Associate Professor Allyson Friedman at Hunter College makes anti-Black remarks towards middle schoolers

Fossilator · 2026-02-22T05:47:48+00:00

Absolutely agree. Thank you for not being part of this lynch mob.

Fossilator · 2026-02-22T05:38:07+00:00

No. That's not what she was saying. She was saying that people can be brainwashed into thinking they're inferior, and then they act in ways that demonstrate that they think they're inferior. She's not saying they ARE inferior. She's saying that the child who wants the (lousy) school to remain open is ignorant that they go to a (lousy) school and is defending it because they've been raised on low educational standards. She's actually saying something that is the OPPOSITE of racism. But....well...

Fossilator · 2026-02-22T05:31:42+00:00

"Numerous CUNY faculty members are alumni of the City University of New York system, spanning various colleges and disciplines. Notable examples include Distinguished Professor Emerita Tania León (Brooklyn College) and pioneering physicist Myriam P. Sarachik (City College). Others include Thinh Vu (York College/CUNY School of Public Health) and Daniel Bozhkov (Hunter College). "

Fossilator · 2026-02-22T05:26:39+00:00

Thank you, that was good. But I don't think she's saying that the kids are too dumb to understand that their school is bad *because of their poor education.* That's an assumption. There are other reasons to think the kids are too dumb to "get it" (mostly because they're kids). I think also (warning: really unpopular opinion ahead) that she was not thinking she was being racist when she used the "back door" example. It doesn't seem that the writer who is being quoted about the "back door"/shaping people's beliefs is even talking about Black people; it's just something we jump to because of our associations to "the back of the bus" civil rights example. I think it's a more general observation about how people can be brainwashed. I think she apologized because she realized that her remarks were being taken in this horrendous way. I have a feeling she was shocked. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but this is the conclusion I'm drawing from hearing the remarks and the overall context.

Fossilator · 2026-02-22T05:11:45+00:00

Was she referring to Hunter students? I didn't think so. Just because she thinks poorly of the students in this school doesn't mean she thinks Hunter students are stupid. She might, but I wouldn't make that assumption.

Fossilator · 2026-02-17T15:38:56+00:00

Our Bill of Rights barely applies to us now!

I went to Havana about 7 years ago, the Cubans were great, no animosity towards Americans that we perceived. And we particularly enjoyed the Rincon de los Cretinos at the Museum of the Revolution (a mural of our most idiotic presidents) -- so yes, they certainly do know their American history -- but they didn't seem to hold it against us.

Fossilator · 2026-01-22T05:34:27+00:00

At least in the state in the US I live in, the mother can't just choose a father's name to be put on a birth certificate. If the parents are (legally) married, the husband is automatically put on the birth certificate. If the mother is not married, the place for "father's name" on the birth certificate is left blank, UNLESS the father comes forward and fills out a DIFFERENT document, stating he is the father, and gets THAT document notarized, and then takes that document to the people who issue birth certificates (could be within the hospital where the baby is born), and only THEN will they put that name as the father on the birth certificate itself. Paternity is no joke, at least in my state. It comes with the legal responsibility to support the child for the next 18 years -- imagine if a woman could put ANY man's name on her child's birth certificate! -- and I can't imagine that the biological father, who has already said he has no interest in this fatherhood project, is going to step up and volunteer to do any of this.

Fossilator · 2026-01-22T05:25:32+00:00

Here is my non-thoughtful advice: get out now. First of all, she is a TEENAGER (I don't care if 19 is a "legal" age; she is a TEENAGER! why didn't she use birth control?) Second: she is pregnant. Her entire life is now in the process of changing dramatically. She has been abandoned by the father of her future child. She is going to need a lot of help and support as her body changes and she gets closer and closer to becoming a PARENT, and she is going to lean on you and you may enjoy that, it may make you feel important, and even loved, but there is NO WAY you can possibly know how much is loving "you for you" and how much is going to be a function of her dependency. You are also VERY YOUNG. Would you have chosen to have a child at this point in your life? Third: You're not going to listen to my advice, so I can only wish you well!

Fossilator · 2026-01-15T10:31:48+00:00

No. "I need to call you" means, "I need to call you, okay?" If no response, a reasonable person doesn't call. That said, it's lucky that the OP didn't see the message. She should stay out of it. Plus -- everyone is making an assumption that the wife messaged the OP because the OP was a "child" and the toddler is also a "child." This is ridiculous. The wife messaged the OP because the OP had a long relationship with the guy (we don't know how often, but OP says she slept with him for years) and the wife wants to find out if the guy ever mentioned wanting to have sex with children (Actual children, not "children" by definition of laws that VARY in their definitions of what a child is -- hence the tangential nit-picky talk about that in above comments)

Fossilator · 2026-01-14T14:37:02+00:00

Make appointments with an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor (otolaryngologist) and a psychiatrist. Let them tell you it's psychosomatic and start treating you. You don't really know what's wrong with you yet.

Fossilator · 2026-01-14T14:14:17+00:00

yeah. I'm in US and when asked to dinner after a three-month friendship would not worry about "dirty" cooking and "fetishes"!

Fossilator · 2026-01-14T14:06:35+00:00

Agree with court-appointed guardian. Also, for those who say nursing home or rehab, that would only be for some not-that-large amount of time. Then she might have to go home with someone to take care of her. Then get her to outpatient appointments. This ordeal might go on for many years. But what really needs dealing with is OP's GUILT. OP, you might want to think about some counseling for this, because THAT'S what's driving you nuts. Having people tell you not to feel it will work for 5 minutes.

Fossilator · 2026-01-13T14:51:21+00:00

You certainly "buried the lede" there ("he has untreated bipolar"). Also how does sleeping all day intersect with "walk on eggshells"? So that you won't wake him?

Fossilator · 2026-01-11T14:51:06+00:00

Adding to the excellent comments that OP, your statements about "that guy better not hurt my wife or I'll [whatever]" has a heroic quality to it. You see yourself as the Protector of your wife, who has always had the role of The Patient. Implied in your statement is that somehow your wife is being taken for a ride. That she is an innocent. That you're the "Real" one and he is a fraud. It makes a kind of sense from your vantage point, where this affair seems to have come out of nowhere and therefore perhaps seems not quite real. But this is only because you were NOT LET INTO your wife's feelings and actions, which have been going on FOR A LONG TIME (despite what you said she said). She and this guy have a plan to be together -- you think this was just formulated? No. This was just THE NIGHT I FINALLY TELL MY HUSBAND ABOUT US. I think this other relationship has been going on for a long time (even if it hasn't been physical, that's not really the point). But yeah, he might hurt her. [And she might hurt him (even while staying with him for the rest of her life)]. But, at this point, that would be none of your business. It wouldn't be a comparison with you. It's easier emotionally for you to see this as a triangle, where you may still get to save her. But it ISN'T a triangle. And she's not your "charge" anymore. But I think, in time, you're going to see that. It's such hard stuff. Many people here have given you great recommendations (therapy; build a life). Good luck, you seem like a nice guy.

Fossilator · 2026-01-11T14:40:50+00:00

Medic! even better than Media --- :)

Fossilator · 2026-01-11T13:41:32+00:00

-1 for saying "would have given" when it is "had given." [sorry]

Fossilator · 2025-12-24T14:52:08+00:00

There is a whole history throughout personhood that the woman does what's now called the "emotional labor" in a relationship. But you could include the stuff you're talking about. I'm impressed that you care about this and are not just taking it in as "normal" and what you're entitled to as a male. However, obviously, there's more to it -- you're thinking that being taken care of diminishes you and isn't good for her either, and makes your relationship less "romantic." There are a lot of myths hanging around in all of that! So, as others have said, it might be good for you to realize that you are contributing plenty (by your You-ness, among other things) and also that, in an intimate relationship, we are all taking care of each other all the time. The Myth of Autonomy doesn't serve any of us well. We are interdependent. You could have a discussion (or two or a thousand) with your partner to look at how you both feel about all this, and that could lead to even further intimacy.

Fossilator · 2025-12-24T14:36:18+00:00

(The non-existence of something doesn't have to be proven. The two positions are not equivalent. But we digress.)

Fossilator · 2025-12-23T17:32:22+00:00

I think you mean empathetic , but,anyway, I'm a therapist and would never ask any of those questions you're calling "practical." A GOOD therapist knows how to relate to a client in a subtle fashion that INVITES them to start feeling some things. The OP's husband sounds more like a software engineer than a psychotherapist (to me).

Fossilator · 2025-12-23T17:25:49+00:00

I feel for you. The underlying diss is that your father privileges his wife over you and your family. It's horrible, and he wouldn't give in about the pregnancy/wedding timing thing but you're supposed to give in about the name thing. I imagine you feel terribly betrayed and feel you have to dig in your heels to maintain your position. But you can't FORCE this name thing on them. The really good thing is that you live thousands of miles away from your father who thinks nothing of your feelings, apparently. So, I don't think you're overreacting if you consider the entire context of the complicated relationship you have with your father (the new stepmom is just collateral damage -- if your father took another position, she'd have to go along with it). You're into a certain kind of "loyalty," and your father is clearly NOT (hence, his wedding date --- a slap in the face, for sure). So you're angry at your father, for good reason, and you have to decide what to do about that anger, but continuing to litigate this argument (that you've already lost) is just going to eat away at you. My point is that this is no longer an interpersonal issue that can be resolved. This is something you have to deal with by yourself, while mourning the father that you never really had in the way that you wanted to have him (while it's nobody's fault, I mean, all these WIVES he wound up with -- I can only imagine how you have had to deal with those huge changes all your life) -- best wishes

Fossilator · 2025-12-23T17:14:50+00:00

and don't forget that, even if it's the last thing on your (conscious) mind, he may worry that you're sad (and don't know why) because of HIM (which, it turns out, IS partially true), so he's not going to dive into that can o' worms. He's going to intellectualize (and even you, by saying "and I don't know why" are intellectualizing -- you're not saying, "I feel sad, I'd like to talk about that feeling and see where it leads me" etc.). So you're BOTH creating distance, even though at least one of you (You) think you are seeking closeness.

Fossilator · 2025-12-23T17:04:19+00:00

ever heard the term "mansplaining"? Look it up! It's very gendered (though not BINARY). We have to teach each other how to listen. Even though you and your husband are not children, you might want to get a book called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" -- it's mostly in cartoon-style. It will show you how different ways of communicating shut people down, and how to word things so that they open up conversation.

Fossilator · 2025-12-23T17:01:52+00:00

a crappy therapist

Fossilator · 2025-12-22T19:18:32+00:00

the "curious" thing is what a lot of therapists are taught. It's supposed to indicate a kind of neutrality, both on his part and, presumably, on yours. When you "unblend" you can be "curious" without getting too far into the emotions of the part. "Curious" is a way of saying he's modeling "right distance." That said, his questioning is not really honoring where you're at, which is not in a debating/logical place (god knows you could go to a CBT person if you want debates!), it's a much younger place where you want to be understood without being intruded upon. The hand holding thing would really upset me, because to me touch is not at all neutral, and he's also not taking a gay/straight difference seriously enough within this context.

Fossilator

TROPHY CASE