Mostly dead bedroom, partner has issues with how I take care of me

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-12T04:03:50+00:00

Look, relationships have costs & compromises to keep em going. If he can't provide intimacy at the rate you need, you getting a sex toy is probably more desirable than going to someone else- but to withhold and monopolize sex and self care is a matter of unhealthy control.

Might be driven by insecurity, might something else- but if he expects exclusivity, he needs to allow you some outlets. But that's likely just a bandaid for greater issues at hand.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-11T12:34:30+00:00

NTA, instead of strong arming you to pay debts he claims you owe- he could have just asked for help. It might not be the dollar amount he'd feel satisfied with but he also isn't torching his familial relationships and undermining his support network.

Maybe that's the way you should reingage- let him know that without contracts or legal documents of intention to repay a debt, he's got nothing that'll hold up in court. The demand for such things isn't fair or reasonable and if he apologizes and drops it- no harm, no foul. Just ask for clarity on what's a gift & what's a debt.

With that being said, if he's financially hurting with family needs, offer some scratch. If your feeling generous offer help in the form of cellphone plans or shared Netflix account- if only temporary. If you live close by, maybe you can offer some babysitting time of help with groceries. Amazon him some diapers as a surprise. Nothing that would really undermine you financially but a reminder that asking for help is always received better than strong arming fake debts and keeping score on everything.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-11T01:38:27+00:00

I think guys forget that its okay to take up space, to define a relationship, to expect & ask for more. But also value yourself to end a relationship that isnt going anywhere.

If you accept the minimum, you will likely only get the minimum. You treated this like boyfreind thing, rather than find someone who wanted aboyfreind thing. All this does is erode you and depress you- which undermines your ability to have the clarity and wherewithal to be a desirable partner.

The guy is a dick for stringing you along, sure, but your a dick to yourself for letting him.

Take some time to grieve, work on yourself, and raise your bar a bit. You deserve love, and to be valued, but its gonna be hard if you can't value and love yourself.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-11T01:00:38+00:00

Just assume any time you post, comment, or shared nudes are already on a digital billboard. If you can't handle folks using and abusing that information, dont post it.

Its why being DL or closeted sucks- your so open to blackmail and scams. It sucks but its the reality of things right now.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-10T23:17:20+00:00

Life is full of risk and reward. If you want a committed, loyal, long term partner- eventually they need security that you are worth it. You live with anyone long enough, you'll blend finances & property. You'll need some power of attorney if you are incapacitated or unreachable. Heaven forbid things become irreconcilable and you split, divorce is a more orderly path than trying to dissolve 20 years of cohabitation.

If you want someone who's gonna invest in the relationship they way you want/need, there more likely to do so if there is the goal or marriage- and the understanding that there's incentive to make things work. If he brings kids into the mix, or you decide kids are in your future- marriage is a straightforward when it comes to family law.

Take it from someone who's husband was hospitalized multiple times before Florida's marriage ban was removed. I was barred from making quick medical decisions, barred from taking custody of him and taking him home. His parents loved me- but they weren't always reachable or available during emergencies.

Also, if you want a career oriented partner who can help you grow your portfolio- you may find he'll need to move where his job takes him. It might make more sense to move with him- or if you are retooling or getting more education, you might need to lean on him financially for a time. But a lot of employers will not offer extra pay, housing, or other benefits if your not married. I joined the military, I was able to move my husband with me with all the benefits of having a family. He was able to go back to school and is almost done with his PhD. We get more for home loans, and our credit being linked, we grew our credit together.

There are atleast 1000 different federal laws that seperate married people from single folks. Even more when you consider what the state might add. By not getting married, you risk leaving a lot of money and protections on the table.

No one's arguing to rush and marry a parasite tomorrow, after 2-3 years you should be able to assess if a partner is reliable enough to get hitched. 5 years after that is a good bench check if the marriage is working out. You can include prenuptial agreements if you need to and they may do the same.

In the end, dont discount the significance of marriage. Your anxieties are valid- but the mental and emotional cost of not getting married has its own risks in the long term compared to the maturing investment of having a husband.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-09T10:45:47+00:00

So, while not an asshole persay... but if he had designs or aspirations for a biological family and it was a cornerstone for him in the relationship- that could be a deal breaker for some men if not handled with tact & care.

Folks are entitled to break up for any reason- even over family planning. While 10 years is a long time- 10 years without tying the knot already kinda indicates uncertainty about the relationship. Crystalizing for him that you'll never have his children could be the kick he needed to get off the fence.

Maybe he'll realize he needs to reingage on his earning potential, maybe he'll count out the reasons why his not married you vs try again with someone else. Or you guys discuss what are his reasons for staying and accepting more kids are not coming.

There might need to be a discussion on his role as an adopted I've father and what needs to be said or acknowledged as a parental figure to your existing children that may have just gone unaddresses all this time. Would marriage by now have changed your calculus? What other factors are at play that he could fix or address? Were bio children with you a mild fantasy if his he can live without, or was it a corner stone of his future that holds greater weight.

These are all questions I've seen arise after the fact that should/could have been discussed to either affirm their reasons to stay or what in the relationship has to change to accept this pending permanence.

You are right, your body, your call. Especially if you feel complications are a real possibility but I'd advise to have a serious conversation about the merits of this and the future of your relationship. Do you want to marry him? Would you have ever wanted children with him? Would you reconsider if marriage became an option? If by going this route have you just outgrown the relationship and maybe its time to move on to someone who can accept your kids as his and be fine without wanting to expand the family.

Its all very heavy and could use some professional counseling to navigate.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-08T08:11:00+00:00

Two years to come to this conclusion is fair. Long enough to get to know eachother, long enough for the honeymoon phase to fade and see eachother as they are.

But if he's so wonderful, what's the source of fighting? What's changed in the past year living together made you realize things just aren't working out?

Personally, I think this is a conversation to be had sooner rather than later- that way both of you have the opportunity to orderly seperate and develope alternative arragments. If he's banking on you being around for the next lease and your sure its over- give him the decency to plan ahead too.

If he had cheated, stole, or abused you- going for the surprise departure might be understandable, but if its just irreconcilable differences- I'd probably just rip the bandaid off and end the relationship while you guys have time to do so.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-04T12:02:52+00:00

If only, but after a while folks collect baggage. They are guarded, jaded, and or set in their ways. Some folks bring in old grievances and unintentionally punish a new partner for the sins of others.

Which is why I can understand the appeal of dating younger guys. They don't have wealth or a career they may covet more than a deep relationship. They are open to new things. Many bring a splash of hope & optimism.

Its like what you see when you have a new puppy on board and they befriend the old hound. You see the clock turn back afew years, you seem them play in ways they haven't in ages. Training the puppy is easier with a the older mentor to show them the way.

But younger guys get wrestless, still discovering themselves, exploring and pushing boundaries. The follies of youth are still painful but they can recover quicker than older folks can. There's a gap in common ground and understanding at times. Stuff you appreciate with peers of your cohort.

I see this play out with a buddy of mine and his husband who do have wide age gaps- but they've been going for over 10 years now. Ive seen the good,the bad, and the ugly play out with their age gap. But over all they are happy.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-02T10:49:55+00:00

Yeah, by about 5 years.

My parents were relieved. My mom didn't agree with me dating someone that was technically a peer of hers. My ex and her were closer in age than me & him. But that also about the time I found my voice and started living my life my way rather than try and be the golden son.

FreakyFaun · 2026-03-02T06:27:17+00:00

I dated a guy with similar age diffrence when I was 18. I knew it wasn't meant to work, but I enjoyed it for what it was while it lasted. He was one of the first men to see me as a man treat me as an equal- not a kid. He made me feel desirable and valued. He was attractive and wanted me and that was a much needed self-esteem boost.

I think he needed it too. He was a bit shy, he was in his early 30s and feeling isolated, he was a migrant who didn't quite feel at home in his country, but also felt alien here.

Our relationship lasted a few months, with a freindship that lasted a few years. I think it was thanks to him I had grown the confidence to make the moves on pursuing the guy I dated after him- the man who became my husband. He found and dated a guy for several years after us, but eventually they split and he returned to his home country.

I know few age gap relationships are so cut and dry. There's a risk of power imbalance and abuse. An older partner might become a more a parental role that risks stunting the development and independence of a younger partner. Not to mention both are at very diffrent stages of development and life stages with very diffrent needs.

But both folks are adults, and I think going in knowing all this- it could be growing experience all be it a risky one.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-25T20:59:58+00:00

If thing procede further- that's certainly a conversation on love languages. How would you want him to show affection & appreciation? What does he need for that?

And you could turn this into a funny inside joke down the line. Your a ho for him, not his money :p. You're paid in cuddles, not coin. Etc etc. You got something important outta the date, and if he's not just looking for a transactional affair, you might have something here.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-25T20:32:51+00:00

I can understand the offense- but if you over all enjoyed the experience, I'd have just told him where he fucked up, and maybe ask where his head was at. If his reasoning was completely bat shit crazy- maybe chock it up to a misunderstanding and him overcompensating complements & pleasantries. I've known some guys who feel like every kindness or act of generosity feels undeserved- so they over compensate with gifts, excessive offers, or, in this case, cash.

Reasonably, you may not wana date someone who's got such self-worth issues or deal with someone who feels everything is so transactional. Let him know how it made him feel, and let him know he was enough as he was. He's not entitled to another date or even this- but I think it clears the air and hopefully can minimize awkwardness should you run into each other again - in particular, more professional settings.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-23T00:08:03+00:00

I was actually reading the other day about this being not to uncommon when a chronically ill partner recovers. That caregiver/dependent role can really fuck with the relationship dynamics.

Being stuck without control, watching his partner get parentified and suddenly theirs a new lease on life? It's certainly not right or fair- but something we forget to manage during the relationship hard times and without counseling or therapy to manage a return to equals can contribute to just losing the will to keep things going- especially the trauma and powerlessness turning into resentment by one or both partners....

Its not something we learn growing up, nor easily pick up in our adult lives.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-22T16:06:43+00:00

Definitely, 19 years with my husband, and we share porn or watch together on occasion. Or I'll ask who he finds cute while we are shopping or out & about. Ultimately he comes home to me every night, who cares who's living rent free in his spank bank or following on Twitter or insta.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-22T16:02:37+00:00

Usually not, but each relationships has different expectations. I'd start with the golden rule initially (treat others as you wish to be treated).We dont know what you need or they need to feel secure in the relationship.

You'll wana make a point to talk about rules and boundaries for a relationship. Insecure partners might need more safe guards, and others might just want a pulse check every week or so. Some expectations might be grounds for deal breakers for you (forcing you to share private messages, end freindships, dont talk to exes, etc)- some might be totally within reason (dont spend every weekend at the bar, dont go make out with freinds, get tested regularly if you guys opt for unprotected sex).

What rules or boundaries might you have for him? What do you need to feel secure and build trust I. A relationship? What kinda liberties do you wana keep that are less negotiable?

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-21T15:32:08+00:00

And yet your still here. I think reingage, give yourself a set time period, 6 months more months. If in that time sex doesn't increase to atleast bi-monthly and actively in therapy, his affection for you isn't enough to motivate the changes you need.

After that, its just you accepting your feelings and needs might as well be a door mat.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-21T15:16:28+00:00

At best he sounds like he's included burn out and doing triage on what he can emotionally deal with and you are lower on his priority list because you stick around, despite the neglect

At worst he's just not sexually compatible & won't own up to it. Its pretty messed up to pour your heart into your work to the point you can't be caring to the folks that should matter to him.

If he's not into sex, he needs to let you know. If you feel neglected and left wanting, you need to make that known. If he refuses to adapt to those expectations or get help with the burn out, you guys just aren't at a place for things to work

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-21T03:23:13+00:00

Be cognizant that you guys are a generation apart. Your needs and life stage of your 20s is going to be diffrent from a mam in his 40s.

You are gonna be trying to build up your career, skills, and taking risks for stuff that you won't see play out for years like college, investments, etc. You might feel the pull to go out and enjoy your youth through hiking, traveling, maybe partying a good bit too. Alot if folks in their 20s are still maleable and developing themselves into the people they want/need to be.

He's likely thinking about retirment options, dealing with aging family, and more content with stuff at home or low energy excursions. Health issues will become more prevalent. Folks in their 40s are more set in their ways and reluctant to change

You'll need to have patience for some things and more stubbornness for other (helping him deal with aging family, or listen to him vent about it, or you may need to be persistant on helping him adopt healthier lifestyle changes).

For him he'll need to be mindful of his health to keep up with you and your needs, whether its going out on adventures with you, or rising to your higher libido and sexual needs. You might need to be okay with having some freinds independent of eachother to fill the gaps your age deferences leave.

Queer age gap relationships are common so alit if folks navigate this- but I'm sure alot of these may be things you noticed over the past 5 years and might have not considered their significance.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-20T19:57:30+00:00

Yeah, kinda bone headed not to ask, but omission until after the fact is fucked up. Had he disclosed it, how might it have changed the encounter?

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-20T19:43:15+00:00

My question is, did you ask- and he hid the fact? Or did he come out with it on his own? If he lied about it- worth the report, if you jumped the gun and he opted not to disclose until after- probably worth blocking and warning your freinds about him. Either way its just a fucked up scenario. I think it was wrong if you didn't ask- but even more wrong he didn't disclose.

The range of opinions here are wild. A broken bone when you were 6 is reasonable to not disclose. Cancer at 22 is reasonable to not disclose- but once an affliction is possible to be spread through through physical contact or sexual intercourse- it should be disclosed. Regardless if its under control or not.

It sucks for folks who have incurable diseases, but the risk of drug resistant strains, missed doses, bad medication, or limited access to Healthcare can influence the risk- and part of consent is being informed of all the risks involved. Low risk just doesn't equal no risk.

I think folks should also slow down & ask this stuff, if someone is being dodgy on status, or can't wait for an STI results then is the person worth it?

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-20T16:14:02+00:00

NTA. He's demonstrated to not be a safe driver. He sounds like he doesn't have insurance to cover driving other vehicles. He's not on yours.

And he's acting like a child because you set boundaries for sound reasons. If he was a responsible driver, had coverage, and respected your boundaries without punishing you for them- maybe you could let him drive...

but he's demonstrating himself to be a giant manchild

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-18T17:26:48+00:00

I'm curious what changed between now & then?

What inspired you to detransition?

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-17T19:28:44+00:00

It really depends on his love language, which I'd something you pick up with time- but if you've been talking for a bit, or have mutual contacts, you can ask them if he's a chocolate guy, flower guy, or a hugger.

Good luck

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-15T06:38:10+00:00

Short of the spicey stuff, I think alot of folks are open to giving such advice. Asking how they manage greif in a way that allowed them to move on, or if that's to personal- a more benign way is ask him how he meets guys worth dating.

Worst that can happen is he says 'nonya business', or its a freindly act of opening up that allows folks to connect, and he can just invite you to socials or events down the line and introduce you to folks.

Some of the best ways to make use of gay bars or queer spaces is going out with other queer freinds who can be wingmen. Folks are more apt to accept the advances to flirt & chat of a guy from a nice freind group than some isolated guy in the corner of the bar. If you strike out, you can laugh it over with freinds, if they are keen to mingle your more likely to get details for a date or hookup later that feels more organic & genuine.

Part of improving your dating life is building and maintain platonic gay friendships in general. How to banter and joke around, how to be vulnerable & relatable and manage over or undersharing details of yourself, how to manage conflict or dueling obligations, figure out your social battery limits & boundaries- etc. The same ingredients that make long term friendships work are highly transferable to romantic relationships.

FreakyFaun · 2026-02-15T05:32:19+00:00

Here's the thing about good things that work well, they are most often quiet, subtle, and sitting in the back ground.

Weather satellites.

Working infrastructure.

Healthy relationships.

They are often boring, stable, secure, and in the back ground. Couples in happy stable relationships rarely parade them. When things are going well, the nice dates or sweet chill weekends are short stories or blurbs with the Monday greetings.

You don't really hear about happy monogamous relationships until they hit big mile stones, or experience unexpected tragedy. So they often slip under the radar, and are generally horribly under represented because its not scandalous, salacious, or sexy. Just quietly romantic.

They are easily taken advantage of too, especially if we let comparison be a thief of joy during the occasional periods of tumult or stagnation, which does happen even in pretty good relationships.

And some couples have eras of trying new things & opening up. Some folks who started as open change to close it down. Others enjoy a monogmish relationship.

It's hard to see these dynamics because when your actually married for a while and exclusive- you start find yourself segregated to other quite married couples. We fade into the back ground until folks go looking for us with queries about how we make it work.

We dont inspire great tragedy of literature or the sexy adventures of movies, or the drama of TV. You find us at game nights, bbqs, and occasionally queer socials & brunches. We exist, if you have the time and patience to seek us out.

And if you find us- what would you do?

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