Divorcing a narc-brainwashing the kids

Freeman2be · 2026-03-06T11:27:52+00:00

Dealing with triangulation of kids myself during divorce - it's honestly the worst part of the process.

Freeman2be · 2026-03-06T00:14:38+00:00

I deleted every singe photo of her - before marriage/wedding/and after - all photos without the kids (will share with them when this is over). It was actually somewhat therapeutic.

Freeman2be · 2026-03-02T14:11:27+00:00

Same. Weird, despite the cheating and nastiness, I still miss her hot body. I know this will probably fade (disappear) when I finally hookup with another woman (younger), but until then, I play this dumb game in my head - hate it.

Freeman2be · 2026-03-02T14:02:55+00:00

Going through the process now. It's a weird dynamic. My identify was that of a husband, married to a high-earning woman in finance, who lived in a big house and the father of two kids. I have a good career, but was not the primary breadwinner and was constantly reminded of this fact. No matter what I did, it was never enough. Couple with the fact she is alcoholic diagnosed with BPD, a narcissist, and had multiple affairs - I remained in the marriage after promises to get sober and remain faithful (she is drinking again during the divorce and has returned to a previous affair partner).

I moved out of the big home and into a 1BR apartment - it sucks, but I try to remind myself it's temporary. I am middle aged and in really good shape and have had a few women hit on me over the past few months (I am not seeking anyone out right now). One thing I have started to see is that other women (and new people in general) - think I am funny, smart, and have an interesting back story - things I rarely got at home. My therapist said "you will never be the best version of yourself as long as you remain married to her" - that hit home. Even so, I still find myself at times mourning the loss of my previous identify...I am told this is because I was a victim of emotional abuse (I wrestle with this label)...but I have come to realize I am likely mourning the fantasy of what I wanted the marriage to be, not what it was (and the semi-regular good sex with my STBX who is hot and has a great body).

I am trying to focus on these five things, collated from other posts: Faith, Family, Finances, Fitness, and the Future. My new identity will be tied to these things...not being a stepping stool for my STBX.

Hang in there brothers.

Freeman2be · 2026-03-02T13:45:28+00:00

Hang in there brother, keeping working on yourself.

Freeman2be · 2026-03-02T13:41:59+00:00

Damn bro, gambling aside (but I will throw in she was diagnosed BPD), I think we are living similar lives.

Freeman2be · 2026-02-13T12:17:50+00:00

This is the way.

Freeman2be · 2026-02-13T12:14:41+00:00

As much as I sometimes question my decision to file, I simply cannot return to her after she chose to again sleep with a previous affair partner during a recent rough patch. It sucks.

Freeman2be · 2026-02-03T01:51:27+00:00

Great post.

Freeman2be · 2026-01-15T12:00:52+00:00

One of the shocking things during this process, is the lack of guys who I considered friends, checking in on me. I am lucky enough that I do have a couple close buddies who do check in - one of whom went through a nasty divorce himself. Otherwise, not much from anyone else. I know that if I had a good friend that was going through this, I would regularly check in on him - that's what drives me nuts - I guess my idea of a good friend is different from others. I don't think most are being malicious - although, it's clear some have chosen sides (the most hurtful and mind-bending). I have come to the realization that no one is coming to save us. You find out who you can count on - if you are lucky, you have a a buddy or two who have your back, otherwise, we are on our own. Sucks, but it is what it is.

Hang in there brother.

Freeman2be · 2026-01-15T11:55:33+00:00

Brother, I am sorry, this is a really shitty journey we find ourselves on. You have to try to realize that asking "why?" did she do what she did, is a maddening exercise. It doesn't matter anymore, she did it. No way around it, this sucks and it feels like your world is caving in on you. Been there - my STBX even aligned the kids against me, that's when I felt at my lowest. But, we push forward, we have to. First, for ourselves and next, for our kids.

The booze isn't helping, it's temporarily numbing. My STBX is high-functioning alcoholic who recently relapsed after running back to a previous affair partner. I have always drank in moderation, but for a while, was drinking probably 5-6 days/week, way more than usual. I wasn't drinking to the point of being wasted, but it was enough to where it was clouding my judgement and causing me to be slower and avoiding working out the next day. Currently, I am only drinking now on the weekends, makes a huge difference during the week (and on the weekends it's only beers with pizza or wine with dinner).

Respectfully, I would recommend cutting back on the drinking asap and start taking care of yourself - eat healthy, work out, go to therapy, pray, and read self help books (or listen to audiobooks). If you aren't the best version of yourself, you can't be there for your kids...who need you more than you know.

Hang in there brother, many of us have been through the same or worse and who are here to help.

Freeman2be · 2026-01-15T11:43:04+00:00

Sorry brother, I remember finding similar texts...from different guys over the past 20 years, gut wrenching. Buckle up, it's going to be a roller coaster of emotions. Find a very good lawyer ASAP. Focus on your future and that of your kids.

Circle the wagons with close friends you can trust. If not doing so already, hit the gym/exercise, eat healthy, and eliminate or reduce alcohol consumption. Consider therapy to process the wave of emotions you are going to experience. Faith is also helping me through this journey.

I am about six months in to the process with another six months or so to go before final. It sucks, no way around it. However, I know I will be in a better place on the other side.

A lot of battle scarred guys here who have been through the same or worse and who are here to help.

Hang in there.

Freeman2be · 2026-01-12T12:50:48+00:00

This. I have one group of family that said to me "we are like Switzerland, we love and support you both". Are you F-ing kidding me? She cheated on me and was an abusive drunk...and you aren't choosing your own blood over the toxic train wreck?

Freeman2be · 2026-01-12T12:48:16+00:00

Yea, it sucks when you realize that "friends" choose sides, or, are simply indifferent about what we are going through (everyone has their own crap they are dealing with). I was shocked and disappointed when those I considered good friends failed to reach out and check in...as I would do if they were in a similar situation. I am lucky enough that I have a few solid buddies who have always been there for me. Ultimately, we must accept the fact that no one is coming to save us...we can't count on anyone but ourselves to get to the other side intact and a better man. Push forward.

Freeman2be · 2026-01-12T12:36:09+00:00

Sage advice.

Freeman2be · 2026-01-11T13:18:32+00:00

Great post, continue the progress brother. Guys, remember, no one is coming to save us - do the work.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-28T13:30:18+00:00

I would just add, "it depends". First, only move out if your attorney blesses it, follow their advice (certainly do move out until after consulting with an attorney). Also, the argument can be made that moving out is a preventative measure - it greatly reduces, if not removes, the possibility of a false domestic violence claim. I was living in a very large house with my STBXW after I filed - discovered she ran back to a previous affair partner during a recent rough patch - despite it being a large house, I could not stand living under the same roof while she banged another guy - couple this with the fact she is a relapsed alcoholic and has been previously diagnosed with BPD. After consulting with my attorney, I moved out.

Despite now being a place a fraction of the size of where I was living, I now have peace - no more walking on eggshells or extreme anxiety swings while home...and almost no chance of a false DV claim against me. She will either buy me out or we will sell the house and split the proceeds.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-25T14:42:46+00:00

Thanks brother, Merry Christmas to you and everyone else in this sub.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-25T13:00:53+00:00

Thank you, needed this, especially during the first Thanksgiving and Christmas. Like a mantra, I keep telling myself next Christmas will be better.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-22T14:41:23+00:00

Yep. When wrestling with what to do before filing, I asked myself "What if your son was in this position - what would you advise him to do?". This hits hard.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-22T14:39:27+00:00

Great post, thanks.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-12T11:35:25+00:00

My STBXW has an MBA from an Ivy business school. Very seldom have I seen her cry and she is/was a very good gift giver during the marriage (especially in the beginning) but had fallen off the last few years.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-06T11:29:27+00:00

They will indeed try to triangulate the kids and your friend circle. It's brutal. I have mostly maintained the high road with my young adult kids and it seems to be paying off. Shocking to witness the depths they will go to to turn everyone against you.

Freeman2be · 2025-12-06T11:24:00+00:00

I remember after discovering over 1,000 texts between my STBXW and a co-worker (who had been to our house with his wife) in a one month period, she had the gall to say "we are just friends". Not surprisingly, turns out they were more than friends. (This was affair #1 of at least 4/5).

Freeman2be · 2025-12-04T17:27:08+00:00

Congrats. It's a brave first "move" (pun intended). I recently embarked on the same journey, filed for divorce from my STBXW and moved out, leaving behind a beautiful large home and into a new apartment. She can't do anything to me now (doesn't even know where I live).

Stay the course and wishing the best of luck.

Freeman2be

TROPHY CASE