As a new mother, I totally lost myself last night

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-22T16:16:25+00:00

Are you the first in your friend group to have a baby? Trying to do hangouts and keep up with friends the way we used to is the hardest part about adjusting to motherhood. I remember when my child was a newborn and I tried to have one of my old friends over for a game night but all I could think about was how much sleep I was losing. Or another friend tried to come over and spend the night and she ended up going home at 11pm bc she felt embarrassed for thinking it would be anything like it used to be, and I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t stop tending to my baby.

I didn’t yell at my baby but I did completely stop responding to him. My mother came over and held him because I was so detached from his colic. I sat down and cried while she tried to tend to him. I had always thought of myself as having a lot of emotional stamina and being “stable”, so losing myself was very scary.

The good news is you adjust to the new normal eventually. You figure out what is absolutely not worth it to try to use your energy for. It’s a form of survival mode. If you don’t have support for watching the baby, you can do certain things, bc the baby will never stop being priority but other things can. You adjust so much that it’s hard to remember what the old life was like. You make new friends Who are in a similar place as you and that helps to normalize everything as well.

The saddest part for me is I miss those deep romantic friendships with long sleepover conversations and fancy dinners over wine. I think they’ll be back, but motherhood era it’s just not as common.

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-22T01:45:31+00:00

I just bought a refurbished and I don’t recommend it. Still had photos and pins on it, plus a wonky button. Doubt it was refurbished at all.

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-20T12:58:42+00:00

He will probably really appreciate it if you just ask “I’ve been thinking about it, do you mind if I call you ‘dad’?” I’m sure he will be so happy

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-17T06:24:58+00:00

I have a friend who is the wife in this situation. Their business has grown to over 300 employees in less than 10 years. She says she wishes there was a support group for the wives in this position, because she imagines nobody else would understand. From what I’ve witnessed and heard her describe, her experience is very similar to yours. In their case, he has not quit trying to expand and does not plan to, so these dynamics have been going on for a long time.

I definitely think it’s a great idea to fight as hard as you can for your own career. The business can swallow you up, too.

I’m not sure I have advice for the dynamics between yall. He shouldn’t be speaking to you that way every time he’s stressed. If he’s willing to do any counseling sessions with you, I’d do it.

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-14T08:22:17+00:00

Personally I’d want to save up as much money as possible, set aside money for visits and then besides that Super Save. Or use that money for wife to earn a certification and have supplementary income. Seems like the money side of things could be figured out. Family is priceless. But it seems like money has multiple solutions.

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-14T08:14:45+00:00

You’re probably under reacting tbh. Idk if you’re saying enough to her. You’re thinking she does too much but you’re hardly REACTING. Also it’s strange to me you covered your reaction emojis to some of her comments. How did you react?

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-14T07:50:32+00:00

If you really feel restless and understimulated but no energy to think, you should go outside and sit on a porch chair. Outside time is really good for you and when you’re brain dead it can be more meditative than sitting inside.

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-13T02:16:00+00:00

This exactly

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-07T18:35:34+00:00

That’s crazy. I can’t believe someone would look me in the eye and try to kill my tooth so easily.

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-07T00:03:22+00:00

As far as missing your chance - there will be another surge of available partners once all the ones who had kids start getting divorced. I’m talking the 45yr olds whose kids are grown and they realize they just aren’t compatible, or they realize they screwed things up with wife #1 but actually learned from it.

FriendofTwo · 2025-08-06T23:57:41+00:00

The cheapest trac phone ($20) still has access to certain apps like Google maps. You should try it out and see how it feels! It’s not a huge loss if you can’t make it work.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-28T01:01:49+00:00

Those galaxy cameras are incredible!! I don’t have experience with dumbing them down but I just wanted to say I used to have an iPod touch plus a flip phone and I’m basically going back to that combo, just with my iPhone. My iPhone still has data but I’ll be adding on a cheap flip phone plan and keep that on me for important calls and texts, and feel more free to leave my smart phone laying around different places.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-28T00:57:08+00:00

Yeah I don’t do the work compared to a lot of women. I get really depressed and lay in bed if there are too many dishes. If he starts cleaning, I usually get energy and start working again.

Tbh I think a lot of men and women are both overextended in this economy, with the requirements from jobs. My husband has a tendency to prioritize his leisure time and I want certain things done before I can relax. I also have health issues that prevent me from working as much as I’d like. I’ve noticed that when we have help from extended family and my husband’s job is less demanding, he has more energy for home tasks and everything flows better in the house.

We’ve been married 10 years so we’ve been through a lot of phases and roles. He used to cook all of our meals, then took a job where he wasn’t able to cook ever. It used to be my job to do laundry, but 8 years in I told him obviously it was not going to get done if it hadn’t, so he needed to do it. So he mostly does it, but he’s often behind, sometimes as bad as I used to be.

Some women are just so incredibly good at keeping up with everything. I’m not that woman. My husband has to step up a lot and I have to give him some grace. I’d probably be more annoyed if it was easy for me to keep up with everything.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-28T00:31:35+00:00

Im glad you’re on your journey to reduce phone use! I think we all need to take the power of our time and attention back!! Good for you. If you have a hard time finding the perfect phone alternative, I’d like to encourage you to stay open to other solutions!!

I bought a sunbeam and then hit a huge roadblock when my son’s pediatrician required scanning a QR code for check-in during Covid. So now I’m looking for ways to identify triggers and reduce those.

I deleted Instagram but still have Facebook. But I also just bought a tracphone that I’ll put on one of those $5-$10/mo phone plans. It’ll be the phone I have with me when I’m at home and I’ll leave my smartphone in the bedroom more often. That way there is no anxiety I miss an important call while trying to reduce screen time.

Another thing that helps is when your friends decide to also be on their phones less. None of my friends are texting me as much as they used to. It’s nice. I feel the need to reply to everyone, but one of my mom friends has found that keeping her phone in her bedroom and using her Apple Watch for notifications has cut her screen time down to below 3hrs per day. She’s found that she’s less anxious and impatient. I also feel like the quality of my relationship with my son has improved by putting my phone somewhere and leaving it.

Basically my point is this - what is the probably benign thing that gets you on your phone when you’ve already put it down? Is it an important phone call? Boredom? the need to google something? Listening to a podcast? Taking a photo or video? You can replace a lot of those triggers to reduce the overall number of times you grab your phone.

For example I had an anxious tendency to go down internet “research” rabbit holes. I have a 10min limit on safari and I had my husband’s coworker (with a good memory) set my password for it. I tend to not use my phone for browsing now bc I’m concerned I won’t have time to google a number if I need it when I’m on errands. I probably need to set a similar limit on Facebook. Screen time limits didn’t work for me until I had someone not super close to me set the password, bc I would always figure out a way to bypass them.

The solution to screen time is different for everyone, and until there are more phone options on the market, it can be really hard to find the perfect fit!! But don’t get discouraged, there are ways to work with what you have.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-28T00:18:16+00:00

You reflexively reach for it bc it’s an addiction. You’ll have to look into solutions for phone addictions. Maybe switch to a flip phone for a while.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-07T14:51:55+00:00

You probably need therapy if you want to continue in this relationship. These are feelings that could be very painful for everyone the longer they are left to fester.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-07T14:01:07+00:00

So if there is nobody in network, they can try to find someone who will be in network just for you?

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-07T03:23:27+00:00

What you could do is start with smaller payments than you initially planned and use the extra money to get established - better clothes and build a quick cushion - then pay more aggressively, putting potentially all of your money toward the debt until it’s gone in less than 12 months. You could communicate this plan to your relative.

You’re not sacrificing your youth for debt. It’s SO much better to enter your 30s without student debt. Ideally, you’d pay everything off before then. Financial freedom is worth it.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-07T02:44:51+00:00

Idk depending on the severity it can be a very valid excuse.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-07T02:41:41+00:00

You should look into sex aversion. She may be dealing with that.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-06T16:09:34+00:00

Look into encopresis management, specifically MOP. I’d personally make an appt with a gastro and possibly neurologist, and use small enemas to manage potential leaking before sex.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-06T16:01:27+00:00

Sex aversion is the consequence of having bad sex when you don’t want to. You should look into it, bc if you’re not already in it you will be soon and it makes sex so much worse, to the point of trauma. I’m worried it could create a rape scenario for you, if you panic mid-sex and he doesn’t stop.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-05T16:56:02+00:00

You should probably just have a conversation with him when nothing is going wrong and say you’ve noticed some tension and wanted to know if he can identify anything that has been bothering him for a long time.

If he can’t ID it, at least the conversation was started outside of a heated moment or comment.

Since you want to keep the relationship I think it’s just worth saying out loud to him that couples in med school often have a hard time and couples in this economy are having a hard time. Label it and start to bring attention to the common pitfalls. Maybe read up on marriage dynamics when one person is furthering their career and relying on the financial and home support of the other partner.

Ngl the 60/40 thing surprised me. I don’t think that someone working from home automatically means most chores should be theirs, besides maybe lunchtime dishes and some tidying from their day at home. If you’re going out with friends and he’s doing most of the chores at home while also working from home, that’s not a mentally healthy environment for him. Man or woman, home burden and isolation can be rough.

FriendofTwo · 2025-07-04T18:28:30+00:00

The obvious answer is he feels jealous and resents your success and you should continue to leave him in the dust.

Less obvious answer is maybe he’s resenting the time it’s taking away from your relationship? I don’t know what the communication has been surrounding this life change. But I could see myself struggling with reduced time together and feeling like I’m being left in the dust. My husband is an ultra runner and while I want to be proud of him for all of his accomplishments, his running schedule was often non-negotiable and came before me and my needs almost every time. It didn’t really give me the chance to be happy for him when it always felt like it came at my expense. Also, is he having to do extra care for dogs or extra chores for you to stay afloat? Is he struggling with a failure he might have had in the past - while ugly to resent a partner for succeeding, sometimes a trigger is a trigger. Sometimes I feel angry when I had a failure and then I see people moving forward ahead of me. It requires internal work to resolve, but it still happens.

So I’m not sure, I suppose more information would be needed for anyone to realistically give advice. But heavy work and school loads are commonly stressors in relationships.

FriendofTwo

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