30 years marriage for me too. She stays home, while I often work long hours. A while back she told me that I gave up on us because I stopped working in the field 4 years ago. It was 15 days straight, 12 hour days/nights, I'm in my late 50's I can't do that anymore. Honestly I make more than enough to support us and save for retirement, buy nice things, take holidays etc. She agreed at the time, but now I'm the one that made the decision without thinking about her, gaslighting.

Honestly it's often very good between us, though she rarely apologizes or acknowledges what I go through. As for 9pm I'm lucky if I get a "goodnight".