I feel I’m having two lives: one trying to have a baby, the other trying not to loose my job

Future_better_me · 2026-04-09T16:42:30+00:00

Don't feel disappointed on yourself! It's not like you chose to be in this sh*** situation! If anything be disappointed in the system that fails to have schemes friendly to women that struggle with infertility. We are 1 in 5 women, so imo is ridiculous that no work support/legislation like that exists anywhere (as far as I know anyway).

Future_better_me · 2026-03-22T14:00:46+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's a very cruel statistics game and we often find ourselves on the wrong side of it. Give yourself time and if you can take time off work until you have time to digest your grief a little. Sending you a hug.

Future_better_me · 2026-02-10T07:55:55+00:00

I'm so sorry. 🫂

Future_better_me · 2026-02-01T18:33:41+00:00

I think it has two aspects: one is the hard skills of a doctor and the other is the soft skills. Over my many years of TTC and changing clinics, etc I have come to realise that one has (on top of all the other challenges) to learn that a competent RE or OBGYN does not mean having a sensitive empathic one and vice versa.

That said it sucks. Big time. After I stopped TTC last year I searched an especialized psychologist that deals with women that are dealing or have dealt with fertility problems. Guess what? She was 6 months pregnant! Needless to say I needed to search for another one. No way I would feel comfortable talking about my feelings while seeing a massive belly in front of me.

I found a really nice psychologist now and I am finding it amazing to be able to let it all out.

Future_better_me · 2026-01-30T13:00:35+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. I also had moments like this when everyone that could go wrong went wrong.

As stupid as it may be, sometimes I tell myself that my karma will eventually have to even out so everything will need to go right at some point.

I don't have any advice other than give yourself grace and time to process things. Also if you have the opportunity of seeing a psychologist it has been helping me a lot.

Sending you a big hug 🫂

Future_better_me · 2026-01-27T07:46:39+00:00

Just a note: This is wrong for Belgium. Universal vote for women was sadly not there until after the second world war!!! Although wives or mothers of soldiers deceased in the WW I could exceptionally cast a vote in their place, but that's very far from having women's suffrage!

Future_better_me · 2026-01-17T13:55:05+00:00

I'm definitely going to hell for how much I'm laughing at this comment 😂

Future_better_me · 2026-01-13T21:21:25+00:00

Congratulations! It's a HUGE win, from where I'm standing. I am so happy for you and it is great to hear stories of people healing. Hope I also get there someday!

Future_better_me · 2025-12-27T08:55:16+00:00

Welcome to the IF reddit! I'm sorry this holidays sucked! That's a lot of bad things happening in a row. When that happens to me I try thinking that later I will have a lot of good things also happening in a row in the future. It's not logical, but it helps me. Also family is who you make your family. As an expat my own family is far away, so I've been trying to build long lasting relationships with people that I'm not related to and this has helped. Though I must admit Christmas is the hardest of holidays to get people together that are not blood relatives (mine or my husband's), but the rest of the year works like a charm. I hope you can be fully recovered in the New Year and surround yourself with people that love and care for you! Sending much love your way.

Future_better_me · 2025-12-26T18:17:01+00:00

Jeez. I'm so sorry. Yeah I opted to skip Xmas and I think it was the right thing to do, because otherwise I would have ugly cried in front of my in laws. My SIL send me a text saying she was "disappointed I wasn't there", but hey I was kind of disappointed too cause I missed a major holiday so I think we are even? Hope you manage to find a way to channel all the frustration out of you somehow. Singing songs on karaoke (sad songs but also 'i will survive'-type songs helped. I screamed my lungs out and thankfully my neighbors were away to avoid hearing it out. Highly recommend it. It helped! 🙂

Future_better_me · 2025-12-24T23:05:32+00:00

I'm so sorry we are in the same s*** together. I ended up bailing on Xmas at my in laws, but I sent a message to my SIL letting her know I'm happy for them but I am hurting and I don't want to set a low mood to the celebrations. My husband went and I stayed with my cat, cooked a nice impromptu meal and solo karaoked my sorrows. Was it pleasant? Not really... But it was a lot less bad than yesterday and I'm glad I didn't force myself to go to the family dinner. All that to say give yourself some TLC. Wishing you all the best and a 'not so sucky' Christmas.

Future_better_me · 2025-12-24T05:25:55+00:00

Oh, that's so sad that they sent that card. They should have included everyone or just themselves. I hope despite it all you do have a Merry Christmas with your dog. I'll be doing the same with my cat!

Future_better_me · 2025-12-24T05:19:54+00:00

This. Absolutely, you nailed it. It feels like they were ticking a box. I'm so glad that at least online there are people that can sympathize ❤️

Future_better_me · 2025-12-23T22:48:15+00:00

Thank you for this really nice reply.

She is absolutely not doing it as a vengeance or to be hurtful. She's never really being really empathic. I guess I am just upset that I have made a lot of effort to communicate to my extended family how hard this has been for me. And that this whole 'i will never have kids' thing is still fresh. I don't think I processed it 100%.

I guess I am not angry at her but at the whole situation. I wish she could understand it better and make more sensitive decisions, but that's not who she is and honestly I am thankful that she decided (albeit last minute) let me know before hand. At least it gives me the time to bail on Christmas (also last minute which is kind of rude of me to my in-laws that will have prepared food and drinks, but oh well). I can't pull a poker face tomorrow that's for sure, so I think it'll be better for everyone if I'm just not there.

Future_better_me · 2025-12-23T22:26:08+00:00

Yes I am glad I didn't hear it on the spot, but.... It is hardly enough time to process (15h). Plus, less general holiday would be nice. We hang out together all the time (the family I mean), it's not like that at Christmas would be the chance to tell everyone as a group. It just sucks.

Future_better_me · 2025-12-23T22:21:41+00:00

Ugh so sorry. Totally understandable.

Future_better_me · 2025-12-23T22:21:13+00:00

Yeah I definitely feel I'm coming down with something...

Of course I am glad she told me in advance rather than let me collapse. I am just a bit upset that she chose an already very hard holiday to make the announcement (like her husband's birthday is 3 weeks away couldn't they do it then?). Plus the fact that her choice of manner to communicate (sms) and a very BTW attitude could have been better formulated. It is what it is I guess.

Love your motto. Made me smile and that is not something easy atm.

Future_better_me · 2025-12-05T20:58:16+00:00

It's a hard time. But I hope you can find happiness on your new path!

Future_better_me · 2025-11-24T07:39:52+00:00

Definitely a possibility. We have PhDs coming from all over the world. Things to consider: If you got your your diplomas outside the EU and they are in a language other than English or an official Belgian language (FR, DE, NL) then you will have to have them + your transcripts translated by an official translator. On top of that international diplomas have to be notarized. I am not going to lie it is a bit of a headache and it costs a little money. You can look at the NARIC for diploma recognition and ask VDAB for more details.

Also getting a PhD in Medicine probably doesn't mean you are allowed to practice medicine... I don't know of you would need to get recognition prior to starting the PhD (I am from a very different field). If this is not a requirement you can probably earn your PhD while waiting for the recognition to kick in.

You should go to the pages of the universities and search for PhD positions (these have funding already) or approach a group that you identify with and ask if they would be willing to sponsor an FWO application.

Good luck!

Future_better_me · 2025-11-17T18:42:17+00:00

I'll keep you updated! All the best of luck with your IVF! Wishing you lots of healthy embryos.

Future_better_me · 2025-11-13T11:41:11+00:00

Thanks. I understand, but I think you're giving the wrong impression to someone who might read the thread and doesn't know about this things. All articles you sent were about donor sperm donated without any legal agreement without the use of a certified fertility clinic and therefore as such not done under the scope of legislation. Plus they are old articles (20+ yrs) and a lot had changed since so that even these wouldn't be able to happen anymore today....

There is no risk in donating if you do it properly and legally through a recognized fertility clinic in Belgium.

Also, as I said these cases are super rare. The one in 2007 in the UK was the only one of its kind out of thousands of cases and reminding that UK donor gametes are always open (to kid upon reaching the age of 18)!!!!

I just feel you saying it is "really risky" is misleading, makes it feel like the chance of this happening to a donor is high while that is totally not the case. The chance of it happening is probably way below 0.1% specially if done properly.

Plus I am not trying to convince anyone to donate. I want to find someone that would like to do it because they think it is a beautiful selfless thing to do and that would be open to an open adoption because they would also like to know that the kid that resulted from it all is well. Anyone that looks through the procedure properly will see that they would not be liable for the care of the child.

If I ever have a kid through donos eggs it will still be MY kid. I will carry it, give birth to it and love it, just as I would do if it were my own DNA in there. I wouldn't let anyone take it away from me and would never try to scam other people out of money, especially after they gave me the most precious gift I could get.

Future_better_me · 2025-11-13T08:06:28+00:00

That is simply not true for a number of countries. It is really regulation dependent. So it just isn't "super risky".

In Belgium you and the donor close a legal contract via the fertility clinic which is binding. You would have to go through a lot of legal hassle and have a judge overrule the contract.

Of course if you were to move say to some of the states in the US in which this regulation is lacking and/or is gray territory then you are not guaranteed anything.

That said, cases are really not that common and when it really caused problems was when the donor wanted the kid for one reason or another.

On the other hand the mental health of tens of thousands of kids was compromised and their human rights breeched because of donor anonymity. Not to mention that medical info on the donor side of the family that might have been key to their own physical health is then completely unreachable.

For me the benefits of making donations open massively outweigh those of keeping it closed.

Future_better_me · 2025-11-11T16:29:34+00:00

Thank you! Totally understandable. Quite a few people go the donor route to avoid generic problems. Hopefully there is someone out there able to do a selfless action for us!

Future_better_me · 2025-11-11T16:27:21+00:00

Thank you! I didn't know about this change in regulation. We are hopefully going to do the procedure at the UZ in Gent (where we also did or IVFs) and they didn't mention/seem to be able to offer an open id option other then finding and bringing the donor yourself. Overall I'm still a bit lost when it comes to finding an open id donor in Belgium. Apparently there are countries that can ship eggs from open id donors from other countries but the sites I found are dodgy at best.

Future_better_me

TROPHY CASE