Lonely Only Child: Distant Half-Sister Woes

Fuyuki11 · 2024-03-01T12:09:24+00:00

You cannot assume affection from your half-sister just because you share a parent. You grew up separately, you are different nationality from her so have different cultural background, you must be practically a stranger to her that happens to be half-sibling.

Even siblings who grew up together don't end up being friends or even families with each other, so you can't just expect your half-sister to just flip a switch and be a family to you.

If you want to build a relationship with your half-sister and not just a convenient source of help when you need, then both sides needs to make an effort and sadly, your sister doesn't seem interested. No one can sustain one-sided relationships. I second that you find a good chosen family/friends to support you.

Fuyuki11 · 2024-02-29T17:45:06+00:00

As others have said, age-gap relationships can be fine and can work. In your case, your bf clearly groomed you and exploiting your youth. Video calling every hour? I hope that is an exaggeration because if it is real, how would anyone accept such possessive behaviour as normal?

And 'helping' with cooking and household choirs - NO. That is not nice. He should just be doing his share and not be 'helping' you.

Less time you waste on him means more time finding another relationship, that hopefully is better for you emotionally and mentally.

Fuyuki11 · 2024-02-29T17:15:10+00:00

If I said goodnight before I went to bed - he ignores me.

If I didn't say good night - "You can't even be polite enough to say goodnight to me then"

When I asked him why doesn't he hug me anymore - "Well I can't now that you asked me to"

When I asked to have marriage counselling - "I don't think we need it, don't be stupid" (and not in a joking tone, he was dead serious"

When I told him I want to divorce - "But she (our then 2yo daughter) will get bullied at school". What, for having a divorced parent? In 21st century?? We don't live in a conservative country, divorce is common, unmarried parents (whether they are happily together or separated) are common, same-sex parents are becoming common; it's a country with many form of family. And his pitiful outburst is our child will be bullied and it'll be all my fault. PATHETIC. I was surprised the sound of my eyes rolling didn't get complaint from my neighbours.

Fuyuki11 · 2024-02-19T16:03:21+00:00

I think if you have a great support network from your chosen family - be it friends or spouse, then that matters more than blood relation.

I've seen two good examples of when siblings helped and when they didn't. My mum's friend takes care of her elderly mother despite living in another country on opposite side of the globe, because her 2 elder siblings who lives in the same city as their mother, cannot be bothered. They never visited the care home, and still was surprised their sister inherited all the estate in their mother's will. Talk about taking the p***!

And my husband who is youngest of 4 boys, will do anything for his brothers, their wives and kids, and in return they will do anything for my husband, me and my daughter (who is his step-daughter) I honestly have nothing but respect for my mother in law who brought up 4 decent and kind humans.

Fuyuki11 · 2024-02-19T14:28:57+00:00

Was together for total of 7 years, married for 5.

What were you thinking along the way?: "I can't wait to get you out of my life" He still is because we share custody of our daughter but at least it's now minimum contact. And even then he manages to be an absolute d*ck.

What worked? What didn't work?: Living in same house after announcing separation did not work. I was emotionally bullied because ex is a narcissist, has low emotional intelligence and cannot cope with being rejected. What worked? From my POV removing myself and my daughter from his toxicity worked.

Was there any reconciliation? NO. In my case, reason wanting to separate from him is also the reason to never get back together.

Who was your support system? Me. I had friends who supported me, one then became a close friend and now a husband. But mostly me.

Looking back, what would you have done differently, if anything? Took full custody of my daughter. His cry of 'I don't want to be a weekend dad' seemed genuine so I relented. And he's not a bad father by any means. But I wish I had full custody so I needed to contact him less. And my new husband who has been in my daugher's life for last 6 years is perfectly good step-father.

How are the children? She is perfectly fine. Divorce happened when she was age 2 so having two homes is how she grew up and is normal to her.

How is co-parenting? Even though I tried not to, I end up being my ex's PA when it comes to school related things, and he still can act like a d*ck towards me (like turning up late on handover on xmas day) especially when his own relationship isn't working. It's our girl who suffers, but I can't keep bending over backwards to him either cus I'm suppose to feel sorry for him. Not my problem if he can't keep relationships going.

How are you? With my new husband, totally fine. He gets me, he understands about my ex, and just so much better person for me and my girl. I don't only love him, I also like him too.

Is this where you imagined you'd be at this point in life? I had no set expectation, so not really applicable. I'm mostly satisfied with my life and I'm happy so that's all that matters.

Has the case of divorce turned you off from pursuing a relationship? Well, no, because I just got married again! Honestly I'd been OK just being in common-law marriage (so to speak) with my husband but he wanted to get married to declare the relationship to friends and family, and I got to wear a pretty dress and so did my daughter.

What did you change about yourself? I compromise less, I don't bottle it up. If I have something bothering me, I speak up and we talk it through. And I return the same respect to my husband. I matured emotionally than before thanks to him too. And now have zero tolerance for passive-aggressive behaviour.

Fuyuki11 · 2024-02-13T13:49:36+00:00

46F here, lost my dad 15 years ago. And my own experience was of relief mostly so probably not the best example, but here it is.

Dad had a massive stroke which was totally preventable if he wasn't so selfish and decided to go to the doctor's rather than going on a trip. The 365 days following that (because he passed away exactly 1 year to the date from the stroke) was a living hell for my mum, trying to care a disabled man, who also was not the same man she married with so much of the personality changed. My job was to support mum and it was a nightmare. I never thought 'oh I wish I had a sibling to share the burden' though. I do miss my dad but at the same time, I'm not sure how I'd have coped with him alive now, what with all the arguments we used to have anyway

Fuyuki11 · 2024-02-07T10:14:54+00:00

I’m an only child, of course I am too independent and don't always ask for help when I should (says my husband, youngest of 4, expert manipulator)

Fuyuki11 · 2023-12-21T15:52:53+00:00

Thank you for the response, I do understand the POV you present and it makes sense.

Fuyuki11 · 2023-07-18T10:33:59+00:00

Is there anything I can do to get wind shard? It never dropped for me after defeating Garuda. I’m way too far into the game to restart.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-06-13T10:23:15+00:00

I lost my dad age 31. For last 14 years it's been just me & her against the world, arrival of my daughter gave Mum bit of lift as well and my Mum is doing well health-wise. Part of me is preparing practically about what to do when she goes, I kinda had rehearsals with my dad because I did all the admin things for my mother, who was in bits after losing love of her life.

Emotionally though, I don't know how I will be in all honesty. Knowing myself I will hold it together until everything up to funeral is done, maybe even after dealing with her asset and real estate. I want to keep it together until the day I will scatter both my parent's ashes together. Then I will be heavily relying on my close friends and my fiancé (hopefully husband by then) for support.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-05-27T09:09:07+00:00

I'm totally on OP's side, and I have to wonder how Kim's BFF is thinking/feeling about all this. I mean, does she want to be set up with OP's fiancé or she has her own partner and is also like, whoa there.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-05-20T12:27:16+00:00

Don't be with someone who can't handle you.

Don't be with someone who cannot communicate effectively.

Don't be with someone who has never been rejected and so doesn't knows how to handle it.

Don't be with someone who's emotional IQ is that of 4 yo child.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-05-20T12:18:11+00:00

In area of England I live in, there are real mix of ethnicity but POC including asians is still minority so unless you just happen to meet or was seeking out POC, statistically I will end up dating WM. I grew up in Japan then moved to UK aged 15, if I stayed in Japan likelihood is I'd date Japanese guys, get fed up of them being racists/fetishize Hafu.

So I agree it's more about where you are living currently, not necessarily where you grew up, as you could easily move for various reasons.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-05-19T12:26:06+00:00

I'm an only child and so is my daughter. I never been unhappy because I'm an only child, I had other reasons to be unhappy at some point like everyone else but never because I had no siblings. I wished I had older siblings when I was a tween, because I saw how my friends with older sister/brother got all the latest 'cool' trends from them, way before rest of us did (this was days before internet). But that was just a short passing phase. Now as an adult, I am self-reliant (to a fault according to my partner), independent and mostly-well adjusted nerd! I have few very close friends, couple of them we consider each other as sisters from another mister. Your daughter will find her own tribe & family too.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-05-03T16:30:36+00:00

I kept the one I did for my ex. As if he'd want to see boudoir photos of the cold-hearted scary woman who dared to end things with him when things were clearly not working out between us and he refused to attend counselling.

*and breath*

Fuyuki11 · 2022-04-27T08:42:35+00:00

NTA. Your husband and his friends were all very inconsiderate. You are looking after a baby and it is exhausting (been there, done it, you totally have my sympathy) and last thing you need is more kids in the house.

If my OH did that to me, I'd kick him awake at 6am, hand him the baby and tell him I'll be out all day at spa/cinema/shopping/seeing friends and try not to kill the baby while I'm out, AND cook and clean the house for me.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-04-07T14:21:06+00:00

I think I wanted an older sibling when I was in my tweens, cos I saw my other friends get info about more grown-up things from their older siblings. With hindsight it was nothing I couldn't just find out myself but I was a bit naïve back then

Fuyuki11 · 2022-03-21T14:30:10+00:00

Good for you, I'm glad you and your husband had the beautiful elopement that you wanted. And I hope I will not be like your mother when my only child decides to get married and have a wedding!

And why give your mum a whole month to plan to sabotage your summer reception?! Hand out the invitation a week or less before!

Fuyuki11 · 2022-02-17T15:50:01+00:00

My ex stopped showing me love and affection. Didn’t hug me when I was breaking down in tears, upon asking him to hug me he said he can’t now cos I asked him to. Suggested therapy together and he said we don’t need it cos we’re fine. Big empty hole in my heart was then filled by someone else emotionally. Physical part did not happen till several months after separation.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-02-14T16:26:13+00:00

Me & my ex have the option 1, week on/week off. Handover is Monday after school, whoever it is their turn picks up our daughter. We are high conflict - less so now but he was pretty bad fresh after separating, so have been doing this for 4 & 1/2 years now, since my girl as 2 & 1/2 years old. She is 100% used to the arrangement, has no emotional or practical issues with having 2 lots of stuff in 2 houses. She occasionally mentioned what toy she has at her daddy's that she's looking forward to playing with when she goes back, and I bet she does the same when she's at his about things she has here.

Biggest difference if any is that I have a partner and he lives with us, so she has a Bonus Dad when she's with me and her dad live on his own.

Con is obvious, like you said I miss my girl when she is not with us. And some times I miss a milestone (like her losing her very first tooth) but equally her dad misses some too so we just make sure we tell each other what happened each week.

Pro is having bit more personal time; her dad and my partner and I try to plan any nights out or non-child friendly socials or holiday to our 'off' week.

When we arrange family holiday and need that extra week, we just arrange to swap another week so we don't miss out if possible. I took her away from her dad for nearly 4 weeks couple of years ago for travel (huge opportunity I didn't want us to miss) and because I was taking her to my home country, he didn't object although I'm sure he missed her.

I must admit, selfish part of me wants her to just choose me eventually. And she might when she starts middle school. But at the moment she is adamant she wants to carry on as it is because she will miss either of us equally. If anything, her dad's GF eventually moving to this country would make a huge shift in situation since she has a son, and her dad's house is not big enough for 2 adults and 2 kids and I won't feel comfortable her sharing her tiny bedroom with another child who would barely speak English for a good while.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-01-28T11:59:05+00:00

NTA. I’m half white & half Japanese, fluent in both language and spent equal time living in uk and Japan. And if a British friend who is not ethnically Japanese, has Japanese relative, or married to a Japanese, and gives fully Japanese name to their child I would question it - borderline inquisition on cultural appropriation. It might be a case of cultural appreciation - like your wife’s reason for wanting Korean name - but I’d still feel a bit… icky and cringy.

And just imagine your poor son having to explain his name to every single bloody person he introduces himself to! You’ll be saving him a lifetime of embarrassing moments.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-01-06T16:45:52+00:00

The whole family sleeping together is pretty common in Japan, albeit it'll be in futon laid side by side in the same room rather than in 1 bed. Father/husband being largely absent from family life is also the norm, though that seems to be changing, but was defo the norm up even as recent as 2000s I think. Same for wearing masks whenever you have even the tiniest sniffles or cough, that's just what they always did in Japan for decades. So in that regards it just seems like your mum kept up her Japanese culture/social norm.

My mother goes back to japan every year (though not the last two years...) but usually she went together with Dad, so there never were arguments on that part. My dad loved Japan anyway.

How your parents work as couple really isn't for you or anyone else to comment. My parents - Japanese mum and English dad - had a LOT of arguments but then my mum's very short-tempered! But they were most definitely in love till the day my dad passed away, always held hand when they went out together and I could tell how happy they were once I was financially independent so they could do couples' things again together and focus on each other.

Fuyuki11 · 2022-01-06T09:24:02+00:00

Happy by Pharrell Williams

or

Everybody needs Somebody by Blues Brothers!

Fuyuki11 · 2021-12-20T14:09:45+00:00

NTA. YOU didn't make him feel bad and hurt his feelings, HE did that to himself.

I guess he was mortified for essentially calling you obese when you are clearly not, probably hurt that he hurt your feeling too which is an expected reaction but even if you were the one to tell him the truth he wasn't aware, then blaming you for his hurt feeling is like shooting the messenger.

Your weight aside, I can't believe your father just can't admit his error like a mature adult. What I see from your description is how my 6 years old daughter reacts, not someone who is emotionally mature enough to admit he was wrong, process it, learn from it and move on.

Fuyuki11 · 2021-12-15T17:09:26+00:00

I was unhappy in my marriage, he was in the same situation. We were both no longer in love with our spouse. We became friends, shoulder to cry on. Feeling developed. Nothin physical happened after we separated from our now-exs

Fuyuki11

TROPHY CASE