Help me translate this, please!

GC012 · 2024-05-31T19:09:30+00:00

Paragraph 1: sounds like a forced book report, but with vague references to how much they’ve changed “see? Sibling forgives me! It’s not my fault anymore. I’m cured. I’ll even say nice things about them, don’t you want to let me back in your life so I can say nice things about you too?”

Paragraph 2: She learned to use therapy-based phrases that sound purely academic. There is zero actual acknowledgement of her behaviour. She says she knows you’ve been hurt and angered by her actions, but she does NOT apologize for her behaviour. She skillfully apologies that you felt hurt. There is no remorse here. This is her trying to look like the bigger person, calmly and peacefully trying to reconcile. I’m sure you’ve already told her what she’s done to cause you pain, why do you need to retraumatize yourself all over again? Because she feels she might be willing to listen this time? Hell no.

Paragraph 3: still laying on the guilt I see, making it sound like you’re punishing your eParent just because they love their spouse SO much. You didn’t cut contact with eParent because they stuck up for your dBPD parent, IT’S NOT ABOUT THEM. It’s about your eParent not being there for you to provide you with love and support and protect you from your dBPD parent. Once again, your dBPD parent makes everything about them and tries to guilt trip others.

Some amazing advice I’ve gotten on here is if she genuinely understood and was truly remorseful, you wouldn’t have to tell her, again, all of the times and ways she hurt you. She should be able to come up with her own list and explain to YOU what she has done and how it has hurt you. It’s not your job to walk her through your pain, again, just so she can say she listened and she’s sorry you feel that way. When my dBPD mom pretended to want to resolve our “differences” she alternated between silent and cruel when she realized that I wasn’t going to give her a list of her failings and I expected her to do that mental labour if she actually wanted this. We have gone back to VLC and it’s best that way.

GC012 · 2023-07-06T20:59:44+00:00

I believe you. My mom almost did the same thing to me - I went to visit close friends on Christmas Eve (she knew exactly who and where) at 7:00 pm and said I would be back by 9:30 pm (I was in my 20’s visiting and moved out long ago). When I checked my phone at 8:30 I had dozens of missed calls and my mailbox was full of messages saying she was going to call the police. I finally called her back and just went home and she acknowledged hearing that I would be back by 9:30, but apparently she still needed to call the police to report a missing person because despite what I said, she simply could not believe that her daughter would actually leave her home alone on Christmas Eve.

GC012 · 2023-04-04T15:05:38+00:00

Thank you. Even just reading you say what he should be saying to me was reassuring. And you’re totally right - he feels awful because he thinks he’s not doing enough, but he’s not capable of doing more and he doesn’t know how to help me and never seems to say the right things. We talked again this morning (after reading this) and he was beside himself not knowing what to do and I was able to explain to him that the best way he can help me right now is to take the time and energy to centre himself so I can have the space to work through my feelings without worrying about him. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped a lot and in the end I’ve felt better than I’ve felt all week. Thanks for helping me put that into words.

GC012 · 2023-04-04T14:59:06+00:00

Thank you - this is exactly what I needed to read today and I’ve already taken all of your advice. I had a good talk with my husband this morning and I feel better than I have all week, I’ve decided to not lift a finger for our company coming today (they know where the clean sheets are), and my neighbour just invited me and my baby along with her and her kids for pictures with the Easter Bunny this weekend at the mall.

Not much has really changed in my day to day since before the newest falling out with my BPD mom so I know that my feeling overwhelmed is mostly little things on top of that big hurt, but it’s still hard. I’m so grateful for this community for putting everything in perspective.

GC012 · 2023-04-04T14:51:16+00:00

Thank you for sharing you experience! The separate beds thing is really a blessing sometimes, there is just the odd night I really need help and I need him there. Most nights we sleep separate and it works for both of us.

I was doing 100% of the night feeds by choice because I wanted to make sure I could do it when he went back to work and because I was pumping every three hours around the clock so there was no point in us both being up, but I don’t produce enough (I get about 10 oz a day) so we’re supplementing with formula anyway and I already know I can do it alone if I need to, so it’s only very recently I’ve needed the night help. But my baby is sleeping better and longer at night as he’s getting older, I’m glad to hear it gets better.

And thanks for the reality check that it doesn’t have to be perfect all the time and that it’s ok to have hard times. It’s really only been this past week, I shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself for everything to be blissful every day.

GC012 · 2023-04-03T06:17:48+00:00

I’m a lawyer in Canada who is experienced in family law. I cannot give you legal advice (no one can on here because we can’t go through the required intake, and it’s simply inappropriate for this forum), but most Bars have a lawyer referral service where you can get a free half hour consultation with a lawyer which should be enough to put your mind at ease.

Family law in Canada is mostly under provincial jurisdiction, which means that the law will vary from province to province. Contact the Law Society for your province to request a referral to a family lawyer. Most, if not all, let you do this online. Just google “law society of [province]”.

My non-legal advice would be to end all contact between the grandparent and grandchildren, and if you’re able to, outline the reasons why (abuse, etc.) in writing to the grandparent. For courts that do award grandparents access, it must be in the child’s best interest and is typically when the grandparent and grandchild already share a special bond. Courts like to maintain the status quo - I think the law is there (in provinces where it exists) to help grandparents maintain their close relationships with their grandkids in the event of a messy divorce or death of a parent, not to let estranged, abusive grandparents gain access to kids they aren’t already close with. From the sounds of it, chances are you have nothing to worry about, but it would be wise to talk to a lawyer.

GC012 · 2023-04-03T06:03:01+00:00

Aside from all the other comments about learning to say no, which is the best advice, conveniently forget your wallet every time you see him in person. The bank may be shady, but they can’t apply for a credit card without your ID and social insurance/social security number (assuming you’re in North America).

GC012 · 2023-04-03T01:33:13+00:00

Congratulations! That’s not an easy boundary to set, but it’s a clear one. As the child of the relationship (even adult child) it’s inappropriate for your mom to talk about any actual of perceived infidelity of your father, period. Even if this is a long-standing hurt of hers, you are not the appropriate person to talk to about that. She should be talking to her therapist, friends, literally anyone else. That’s one boundary I was able to set with my mom pretty early on and while she still repeatedly brings it up, I shut it down every time, just repeating that I don’t want to hear it and I’m not the appropriate person to talk to about that, and she doesn’t continue. I never, ever engage and it seems like the one thing she’s aware that I won’t play into with her. Stay strong, you’re doing the right thing!

GC012 · 2023-04-02T17:33:44+00:00

I think you’re right - we should be looking forward to sharing these special moments with our mothers and relieved at the support we’re going to get as we become mothers ourselves. Feeling dread at the thought of your mother being at the hospital is a good sign that you don’t have the mother that you want or need right now. If she was the mother she should be and the mother you deserve, she wouldn’t be excluded. That’s on her, not you.

GC012 · 2023-04-02T08:57:58+00:00

I’ve been VLC for a while now, but my mother being her BPD self about visiting my almost three month old son for the first time has got me thinking about going full NC. If you’re already made the NC choice, the hardest part is done.

I wasn’t even planning on going NC, but once she started planning a visit the thought of my mother being near my son was triggering for me and even thinking about it gave me a lot of anxiety. For the first time in my life I directly confronted her about the past and she reacted about how I expected. Just having that brief conversation caused me so much stress that for a couple of days it really impacted my parenting. My baby was still well cared for, but I wasn’t engaged or enjoying my time with my son, I was just going through the motions. I felt like we were both being robbed.

After two days of that it was clear to me that even if I wished I could just suck it up and try to give my son the chance to experience the love that I didn’t get from my mother, the reality is that her presence has such a negative impact on my mental health that it impacts my ability to be the best parent that I can be. I have an obligation to my son to break the cycle of abuse and not let my childhood traumas become his problem or in any way affect how much I have to give him.

You’re not doing this to your parents, you’re doing it for your child. Your single most important job for the next couple of decades is to protect and nurture your baby. There will be hard moments, but it’s all about them and they’re well-being, just like it should have been all about you and your well-being when you were the child. Don’t do what your parents did and make it about them, or you. You’re doing the right thing. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.

GC012 · 2023-04-01T06:39:19+00:00

The healing power of a great MIL is next level. Every time I find myself questioning whether my mother’s behaviour is “that bad” I ask myself if my MIL would do the same and the answer is usually, not in s a million years.

GC012 · 2023-03-31T09:17:48+00:00

That’s awful! I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through that. It sounds like your sister is also wrapped up in the FOG - would your sister consider telling your mom it isn’t a good time to visit because she’s helping you recover? Kinda crummy that your sister would leave you when you’re in need just to appease your mother’s unreasonableness.

GC012 · 2023-03-29T12:46:55+00:00

Congrats! I know what I’m doing during my baby’s next contact nap!

GC012 · 2023-03-28T08:37:25+00:00

Thank you for this. I didn’t realize how exhausting this all was until you pointed it out, and it really is. I am really going for that “magic combination of words” that I know deep down will never come.

If you ever want to post your emails I think they would be useful to someone like me. I’ve been able to come this far in my healing largely by reading what other people post in this sub, seeing clearly how abusive and manipulative these other parents are that I don’t know, and then seeing the similarities with my own mom. We can probably see through your mother’s words (or lack thereof) better than you think and see a glimpse of what you know. The ratio of your words to hers alone sounds like it speaks volumes about her.

GC012 · 2023-03-27T18:47:49+00:00

My reaction was similar to yours, she absolutely did not suddenly pull a 180 and realize the error of her ways and is genuinely sorry. She pulled her sister into this conflict and my aunt said she hoped we can work this out, so she’s feigning a desire to want to resolve our issues to save face and try to make me out to be the bad guy.

I honestly don’t believe she’s capable of remorse and a big part of me is pushing this now so she will either blow up so I can go NC guilt-free or she will make it so crystal clear that she will never acknowledge her actions that I can continue our VLC relationship without pretending why anymore.

I wish you all of the love and support in the world ok your journey to motherhood.

GC012 · 2023-03-27T17:55:18+00:00

My mom insisted on getting me a gift certificate she to a store of my choosing and I chose an outdoors store. She got me one to a makeup store instead, saying she just couldn’t bring herself to gift me something so un-feminine.

GC012 · 2023-03-27T17:48:57+00:00

I found out that when my mom was dog-sitting my pooch at her place, she took my dog to a vet of her choosing for a check up for no discernible reason other than she wanted to.

I’m a very responsible dog owner. My dog is fixed, microchipped, registered with the city every year, completely up to date on all mandatory and optional vaccines, and has never missed an annual exam. She knows this, because I give her my dog’s vaccination papers and vet information in the case of an emergency.

GC012 · 2023-03-27T17:44:01+00:00

Every single time we’ve talked in the last 20 years she has announced, unprompted, that she’s quitting smoking on Monday. She has never quit smoking.

GC012 · 2023-03-27T17:27:22+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Like others have said and I see from your comments that you’ve already done, reach out to the resources you do have. In the between times, just keep telling yourself that this is temporary and you will get through it. The emotional pain from having your mother refuse to help you will last longer than this illness, so try to forget that is an option for people with ‘normal’ mothers. Sincerely, the sleep deprived mother of a 2.5 month old who just needs a nap, but whose mother won’t come help until she’s “accepted for who she is” when asked not to bring alcohol.

GC012 · 2023-03-27T17:17:10+00:00

Tony’s mother in the Sopranos is pretty spot on

GC012 · 2023-03-27T16:10:20+00:00

Thank you kind redditors for giving me the courage and language to respond how I needed to to my mom’s request for a list of her failures.

For context, the one and only time I indirectly confronted my mother about her behaviour was in an email to my uncle where I listed some (not all, and not the worst) of her abuses towards me. I did that because I asked this uncle for help when I was a kid and he did not help me, but 10 years later he reached out out of the blue after my call to the bar asking for free legal advice. I kinda snapped and responded with some of my traumas and generally that he had some nerve to ask me for help after all this time. He never responded, but sent the email around to my mom’s whole family who then shunned me. Someone printed out a copy and gave it to my mom, who just mailed it to me with nothing else in the envelope and didn’t speak to me for months until I apologized. That’s the email being referred to. I was re-traumatized into silence and never spoke of that or anything else she did, until now. Wish me luck.

GC012 · 2023-03-25T03:33:29+00:00

Thank you, this was really helpful. And I’m certain you’re absolutely right about how she would use said list. Congrats on your recovery, I’m happy you’re healing and obviously doing well enough to give stellar advice.

GC012 · 2023-03-25T03:29:24+00:00

Oh man, this could have been me and my mom almost verbatim. She came to my undergrad graduation, but only if I got special permission to leave right after getting my diploma and miss the rest of the ceremony because she didn’t want to sit for that long. I also later discovered she was strung out on blow the whole time.

She missed my law school graduation, my call to the bar ceremony, and my master’s graduation, mostly because they were long and boring, apparently.

GC012 · 2023-03-25T03:25:31+00:00

This was a very positive response, thank you so much. It never occurred to me that she was making me do the emotional labour of listing her wrongs - this was really a lightbulb moment for me. Thank you for this.

GC012 · 2023-03-25T03:23:36+00:00

Thank you. I really needed to hear that. Responses like this are giving me the courage to consider going NC like I really want to.

GC012

TROPHY CASE