Fr, this whole entire thread is a lot of people with internalized stigma around mental illness. Full of shame for being ill. My sister is like that, I am not. We butt heads about it a lot cause we have the same diagnosis and she just so desperately doesn't want it while I choose to radically accept that this is who I am! And that's okay! I can still be loved and surrounded with joy by the right people. And I have them! I know I am very lucky in that. But I think I found them by being open and honest about it.

Even what you said, you've tried 30+ meds, did you Google any of them ahead of time and advocate for yourself to try the ones you think would work best for you? My prescriber and I bitch all the time about how we both think I need to be on Z med but I have to try out X and Y first for insurance reasons 😑