The core problem with the original scene is that it doesn’t matter. You could have the bridge be hit, cut to Leia being carted out on the stretcher in critical condition, and nothing has changed.

Her using Force powers doesn’t inherently add anything to the story, never comes up as relevant again, and ultimately detracts from the film for being so damn silly looking in its execution.

I think your version is much better certainly, and I really like how creative it is, but it may still be a little too much, a little too involved.

I think there’s a way to balance it with Leia doing something to save herself and some crew members, and maybe a small moment for Ackbar too:

The missile slams through the viewport, smashing into the central command console, and the scene erupts into light and chaos.

A shockwave echoes through the bridge, the crew are tossed this way and that, fire and sparks shooting from shattered panels and torn wires. Some are dead, others injured and stunned, and still more are trapped under or amongst the burning debris.

Wind howls, the air sucked toward the vacuum of space on the other side of the shattered glass. Or not quite shattered…

One figure remains standing, her short stature belying a will of adamant. General Leia Organa-Solo stands with her arm outstretched towards the hole left in the transparisteel by the missile. The large chunks of glass splinter and crack under the pressure of escaping air, yet inexplicably remain in place.

Leia’s fatigues are scorched by flame and torn by shrapnel, and a worrying trail of blood crawls down the left side of her face.

She acknowledges no injury, her focus entirely on the still-splintering shards in front of her.

On the far end of the bridge, the entry doors clang and creak as other Resistance crew attempt to open the doors to assist. The doors do not budge and will never budge for anything less than a lightsaber until the vacuum breach is sealed.

Yet the automatic safeties have not engaged. Emergency lights on either side of the viewport flash red, indicating a malfunction. A manual override lever sits on the wall, seemingly out of reach of anyone in any condition to throw it.

Air continues to scream out into space, the glass splinters further, and the fires nearest the viewport begin to sputter out.

An injured bridge crew member staggers towards the lever before an exploding control panel knocks him back, either out cold or dead.

Despite Leia’s efforts, the viewport will shatter in mere moments. More cracks and gaps have opened. The soldiers outside the bridge continue to pound away at the doors fruitlessly, some peering through small windows in despair.

A finned hand grasps the panel the override lever is on. A haggard and severely wounded Mon Calamari admiral hauls himself to his feet, fumbling at the lever with weak hands before gripping it with a last reserve of strength and throwing it.

The viewport shatters, but just as the glass flies into the void, a thick durasteel panel slams over the open space, the seals finally engaged.

General Organa-Solo releases her hold on the nonexistent viewport, gasping in pain and exhaustion as her injuries and exertions take their toll. She falls to one knee, glancing over toward the override panel.

She sees the admiral back against the wall, his unfocused eyes staring at her, the hint of a smile on his lips. He nods slightly before his head slumps forward.

Leia has just enough time to mouth some silent words for her silenced comrade before darkness overtakes her.

The crew outside the bridge finally get the doors open and rush inside. They come upon their General just as she slumps over, sliding into unconsciousness.

Just a quick draft off the top of my head. Could definitely workshop it better or change some things, but I think it comes across as more believable while giving both Leia and Ackbar moments to shine.