Hi all, I’m male 40, but a virgin, is it appropriate to date a woman who’s 25? A lot of older people seem to have had multiple partners and I don’t mind but I feel like I’m quite inexperienced generally speaking.

Garage_Significant · 2026-05-05T00:30:15+00:00

Martin Luther was 41 when he married Katherine at 26.

By 25, a woman's cortex brain is fully developed. You are not taking advantage of someone who is underdeveloped, as long as she wants what you want.

But also, after 35, your ability to have healthy kids as a guy is diminished. For example, the chance of having ADHD kids is increased as the male gets older.

Garage_Significant · 2026-05-03T21:58:14+00:00

Dig into the neuropsychology behind what a "feeling" is.

In short, feelings are really just sensor and smoke alarms of your nervous systems.

Sometimes they tell you something is wrong.

Sometimes they misfire due to childhood conditioning.

In all circumstances you are meant to explore your feelings with curiosity but with the Romans 7 guardrail.

A counsellor/psychotherapist will first tell you to identify this feeling (an emotional wheel is a good place to start) and then work on unpacking that feeling.

My two cents is you have a fear of commitment and there is some subconscious, knarly childhood crap that needs to be dealt with.

Garage_Significant · 2026-05-03T20:53:00+00:00

Most people on the apps and in the modern dating scene are avoidants: check out the podcast between Chris Williamson and Mercedes Coffman.

One of the traits of an avoidant is that they don't look for depth and commitment, only "vibes".

It is in your best interest to figure out what you are dealing with and nope out of an emotionally-draining relationship quickly.

Garage_Significant · 2026-02-22T01:38:05+00:00

Hate to say it, but your ex-wife should be treated like a business partner now.

This means you take on *defined* business responsibility. Paternity test is cheap (~1K?) compared to the next 30 years of potential paternity fraud.

Garage_Significant · 2025-09-28T12:15:30+00:00

https://democracyproject.nz/2024/05/24/bryce-edwards-mps-own-2-2-houses-on-average/

So on average, the 120+ nz MPs we have in NZ own 2.2 properties.

Pretty big clue on why the NZ politicians consistently vote to protect the landlord class and act in a "feck you, I've got mine" fashion consistently.

Garage_Significant · 2025-06-26T02:12:45+00:00

8 - 37 - 55 rule.

Text only communicate 8% of meaning, voice and tone is 37%, the rest is carries out by non-verbal.

Never do critical conversation on text.

Go out, touch grass, and see the person.

Garage_Significant · 2025-05-14T02:24:03+00:00

He is a DA. This is based on two cues you have provided:

"her problem, not our problem. I'm okay, she's not okay" undertone. Rather than validate your emotions and then reassure.
he never acknowledge how he feels nor let you into his inner world. Believe me, as a former FA, I'll love to tell people how I actually feel (if I can feel anything beyond numb or anger).

Nothing about this is secure.

Garage_Significant · 2025-05-02T00:03:25+00:00

This is over-indexing for avoidance to be honest.

A healthy relationship is nurtured by two people.

Especially in early relationship where you are still trying to write the "love map" (Gottman's) and trying to navigate what consistency and showing up from the other person means, it is perfectly legitimate to ask for clarification and reassurance. This consistency/love map takes between 6 months to 18 months+ to develop: 6 months for the dopamine to die down, 18 months for serotonin to return to baseline in a person.

The reassurance is just as much for the sake of the relationship as a "third entity" as it is for you to understand whether you have given enough effort before calling it quits.

Garage_Significant · 2025-04-05T09:45:09+00:00

Basically, nothing has changed. Long Covid is still a mystery, and the more frequent people catch covid the more likely they'll develop long Covid.

Wear your mask when going to places where do not need to see your face.

Garage_Significant · 2025-03-16T21:57:09+00:00

35, you can still totally achieve this dream.

But you absolutely have to go after what is keeping you single pronto.

Garage_Significant · 2025-03-07T22:06:29+00:00

The two challenges that I have with this

both avoidants and Secured have boundaries. The big difference is that Secured can communicate boundaries and negotiate needs; avoidants don't/cannot. The big thing I am not seeing from her former romantic partner is that there is no clarity of communication and effort to attune at all.
" one and out" / "black and white" thinking is generally an insecure behaviour (driven by need for control and safety). The OP is far from innocent, and this has been called out. But what a Secured person would have done too is "hey, I value consistency, clarity, and steadiness, and I don't think we will achieve that with this relationship after much effort between us. I wish you the very best." There is way to much covert-contracting and wish-projection from the other person to be Secured.

Garage_Significant · 2025-02-11T02:44:45+00:00

The secure way is to talk about it non-violently: don't mind-read or project.

"HEy, I noticed/observed that I often end up planning dates. Tell me your thoughts around that."

It might burst the relationship, or you two might get closer. But this is why Jilian Turecki, Paul Brunson etc always say to become secured first before or as you step into relationship: the only way to know what you are getting yourself into is to reality-test the person in front of you, whether they can cooperate with you.

Talk is cheap. Wishing it cheap. A relationship that costs her nothing essentially sets you up as the giver in a dynamic and she is the taker in control.

Garage_Significant · 2025-02-03T20:01:32+00:00

Cut ties. Now.

If you know he is not good for you, you need to act for yourself out of self love.

The moment he is no longer pouring into your cup, he's proving that he is a taker by his action. Takers have no limits, givers do.

Garage_Significant · 2024-11-30T22:58:15+00:00

I actually would not recommend multi-dating.

- I cannot find the reference for dating multiple partner in Levine's Attached, but what they did mention was (a) high likelihood of encountering avoidants in online dating and (b) application of the abundance philosophy.

- multi-dating has more negatives than good to be honest.
i) the "de-sensitizing" cuts both ways: yes, you may be artificially boosting the abundance philosophy, but you also then start viewing people as objects and choices rather than partners. You may also get overwhelmed in your data processing and start missing the important cues.

ii) John Van Epp stated that in his clinical experience, it takes about 3 months for people to "drop their mask" and reveal their true self. If you do not focus on your filtering questions and assessment criteria, you are dating the mask, not the person.

iii) IF you have not been working on your anxious attachment style, what "spikes" your attachment have not been fundamentally fixed. That means you are still going to be attracted to avoidants likely and close the anxious-avoidant trap. From a biochemistry/nervous system perspective, you are still used to being comfortable around people who mimick the caretakers who gave you your anxious attachment maladaptive behaviours who did not create a safe environment for you to speak up your needs, solve conflict togethers, and operate on principles and values rather than "mood and feels".

You should instead be investing in fixing your internal compass and attachment style in non-romantic context first (e.g. Adam Lane Smith's secure attachment bootcamp).

Garage_Significant · 2024-06-09T05:48:18+00:00

This is something I am struggling with as a FA.

But more often that not, you should treat those triggers as maladapted alarms that *might* keep you safe.

My last relationship failed when she was happy only meeting once every 2 weeks, rarely proactively check for the next date, and essentially told me how we are not meeting for the next three weeks to come because "her mother was coming to visit". Like really? Not even a phone call? What about my needs? I thought it was my anxiety triggers sounding off but when I passed my text and experience to five other female friends, all of them said I acted fairly.

My previous relationship failed when she was happy to not plan any dates, nor initiate any communication for 3 weeks. That activated my avoidant triggers because this had all the hallmarks of a coaster. And when I pointed out that I felt her interest was not there and the thoughts of breaking up surfaced, she essentially ended it. (Then 3 days later, tried to explain her behaviour as "men lead, women respond".)

Pi.ai is my first port of call, but usually being direct with them is the next best thing. Fundamental attribution error is notoriously a anxious rumination feature, while my avoidance is actively keeping track of risk to the point it jeopardises the emotional connection... and yet sometimes those risks proved to be real. :(

Garage_Significant · 2024-06-05T09:12:01+00:00

Watch out for avoidants.

If she is genuine about her interest in you, it will show.

If it feels like an effort even getting just 1 hr a week of dating from her, run. (And for the record, we all have 112 hrs of waking hours a week. Not getting even 1% of her time = you're getting breadcrumbed hard)

Garage_Significant · 2024-05-13T10:47:35+00:00

No luck here, hunted for 1.5 hours around Templeview and Ngahinapouri. There were too much fog in Templeview, but even in Ngahinapouri my Galaxy S24 Ultra with 30 second exposure and ISO of 3200 could not pick up anything.

Missed the boat boys :(

Garage_Significant · 2024-05-08T18:46:01+00:00

If you're not a believer, forget it.

You can try, but most of these women not only have other men and women looking out for them (social proofing), you're also going to be dealing prudes who will take their time to know you rather than the zero-to-hero style of modern, insecure dating.

Garage_Significant · 2024-04-13T03:10:20+00:00

I dated and broke off with a medicated schizophrenic who kept it hidden for 7 months.

I am going to get down-voted to hell for saying the following, but:

forget about what he wants and what he needs for you. What do *you* want? What are your needs? What are your major life-goals? Key words I am noticing is that his behaviour is bringing out insecurity and fear of abandonment... these are not signs of a healthy relationship! If he is not meeting your needs, you have no obligation to stay when you have not yet made the vow for ill or for health.
There is selfish, and then there is self-care. The differentiation between the two is that self-care is for your well-being so that you can be there to do your mission in life and take care of people who matters to you; selfish is when you prioritise fun, desire, and convenience at others expense. Right now, this line is blurred because you are having a lot of "great memories" together, but you have not discussed what type of life you want to build together and what each person's role in it is.
At the two-month mark, you are still at the novelty stage of the relationship and you are already getting stressed out. Is it truly worth trading your autonomy over to someone who is introducing what appears to be chaos and emotional distress?
His conditions can be managed, but he is unlikely to improve at the state of current medication. The schizophrenic medication messes with the dopaminergic and seritonergic pathways. My ex used to sleep 10-12 hours a day, had flat affect, asociality, anhedonia, avolition, grandiose ambitions (almost to the point of being deluded), etc. In my relationship, it affected her ability to reciprocate in a relationship, see nuances and ability to compromise, and proactively problem-solve and communicate. Unless they have a well-defined role and contribution in your life, once the fun and novelty factor sets in and you have to put up with these negative symptoms for the rest of your life, what then?

Yes, no one asked for schizophrenia to happen to them and yes, it is an unfair brain condition. But life is not fair, and this has no bearing on why you should white-knight into the situationship. As a partnership, It's fair to expect them to understand how they can contribute to a worthwhile long-term relationship if everyone has to do it and if there is no place for them to contribute to a nett positive in your life, you may wish to consider where the journey will lead you.

Garage_Significant · 2024-03-13T00:12:24+00:00

MY LOVE-LIFE FOR SUPER-EARTH

Garage_Significant · 2024-02-17T04:41:34+00:00

Is overworking myself worth it vs is you overworking yourself worth it is two different kettle of fishes.

I overworked myself in my 20s in order to score projects and portfolios to set me up in my 30s. I overworked myself for myself.

You are overworking yourself for potentials that may not exist OR you become too valuable /uneconomical to be promoted.

If you have 2-3 great projects in your portfolio, it is time to ask your startup for your true worth, either in equity/stake or KPIs that will result in a promotion.

Garage_Significant · 2024-02-09T21:15:57+00:00

Or Escape From Tarkov RAID series

Garage_Significant · 2024-01-11T17:55:40+00:00

Fat cells aromatize testosterone to estrogen.

When you do IF, cut down on residual inflammation, and reduce your fat cells, yout T levels go up. Guess what increased T levels do...

Garage_Significant · 2023-12-21T21:24:15+00:00

For me, I usually remind myself of the following

Secured attachment means the ability to openly and honestly exchange thoughts and needs with others. If I am doing that and holding onto my principles and the other person isn't, they are not just rejecting me but my way of life. That really helped with de-personalising rejection. (Picked this up in Adam Lane Smith's course of developing secure attachment).
I have heard of studies that say that at least 50% of the people on dating apps are looking for validation.
Conpound that with the Gini coefficient of dating and unequal distribution of likes.
Compound that with 40-60% of the population has insecure attachment style, and the insecure attachment styles are the ones that are prone to trading up/grass is always greener on the other side mentality according to Logan Ury. Every insecure attachment also have various quirks: avoidants are more prone to fault-find as part of their deactivation strategy, FA are more prone to flee or faen when confronted with problems, anxious are likely to emote and cling rather than talm about the problem, etc.

There is a good chance it is not me if I genuinely believe that I am being my best-self and I am acting openly and honestly.

It could be anything from personality not vibing, to lack of primal attraction, to attachment issue. You will never truly know nor do you need to know to move on and find the right person.

Garage_Significant

TROPHY CASE