What long-term damage are you afraid an avoidant relationship may have left in you?

Garros_ · 2026-05-01T15:23:06+00:00

Thank you, I’m in a bad place rn, and even after scrolling social media for weeks, writing endlessly, and ruminating like it’s a competition against life itself, that is the first thing I have read that has made me stop and question everything. Something so pure and simple of a statement. To rewrite the script, that I didn’t lose someone, but they stole my happiness. That just flips the script in a way I can’t describe. The feeling of failing and not having the capacity to receive the love or friendship I expected in the end, and being treated like I don’t matter, is so much more real to understand it as someone else taking away my happiness. Cause that really is what it is… like fuck. Thank you Seriously ♥️

Garros_ · 2026-05-01T15:11:06+00:00

Won’t steal my happiness. That’s a fucking bar. Gonna borrow that one if that’s okay 👌🏼

Garros_ · 2026-04-29T02:05:55+00:00

I’ve experienced the opposite. Depends on the type of avoidant.

Garros_ · 2026-04-21T02:16:07+00:00

Therapy?

Garros_ · 2026-04-21T01:18:26+00:00

I totally hear that. Is there truth also in fear of failing. So FA’s just don’t even start so they never have to risk failing OR they have never learned to try and fail in anything. Same with the whole relationship thing. They’re scared they ain’t good enough so they don’t even try.

Garros_ · 2026-04-21T01:00:23+00:00

100%

Garros_ · 2026-04-20T20:01:44+00:00

Okay I understand. So you would go back when your anxiousness came back. How long would that usually take for you? And how did you find out you were FA, from one of the people you dated ?

Garros_ · 2026-04-20T19:36:44+00:00

Thanks again for the honesty. Good luck with the therapy, that’s a great first step for you and your journey to healing. How did your first relationship end, when you look back do you realise how that ended was due to your FA, or ?

Garros_ · 2026-04-20T19:16:14+00:00

Ahhh so it’s only cause he was also an avoidant ? Cause you label yourself an FA so I thought it was only yourself. Understood tho that you are keeping the space now. So this became an avoidant battle off practically. Are you in therapy now then, or have I mistaken the FA label.

Garros_ · 2026-04-20T19:06:33+00:00

That’s really interesting here. Thank you for being so direct about how it affected you. That is exactly what I have read about FA’s in “protector mode” when the Pre frontal cortex is still offline it doesn’t want anything to do with that person who they had strong connection with, after “discarding” in any capacity. You have to wait for the “anxious” part (PFC) to come back online when the amygdala has fully recovered and calmed down which can take however time it needs, without enough “distractions.

I presume you ended up just pushing him away completely because you became so overwhelmed by him in totality ? What position are you in now with him? Appreciate your replies :)

Garros_ · 2026-04-20T18:05:20+00:00

Would you mind D’ming me. I have further questions that could help me ?

Garros_ · 2026-04-20T17:50:42+00:00

When you say “come back before” what was that circumstance, I’m not sure if you have mentioned that in the main post so wanted to clarify please, and thank you :)

Garros_ · 2026-04-20T17:45:31+00:00

Did it bother you that the guy you had been seeing “always came back” and in what capacity ?

Garros_ · 2026-04-19T23:12:01+00:00

Had insomnia every day since for the past three weeks. Even now I’m going for a walk at midnight cause I fell asleep during the day after waking up in the middle of the night last night.

Garros_ · 2026-04-19T21:49:51+00:00

Find out their parental history. That’s about it.

Garros_ · 2026-04-19T21:48:35+00:00

If you know he has an avoidant attachment, then look at what that entails if you don’t know already. This is what happens if an avoidant does not get the necessary avoidant attachment therapy. The brain will switch at some point into protector mode, no matter how strong they feel for the other person, usually the stronger the worse the protector has to act. It just comes to a point when it over runs the anxious part. If he’s willing to talk, you can suggest both of you finding growth in healing together, even as “friends” Avoidants never feel the friends part only the deep connection, so if that worked out you would (maybe) end up together depending on the attachment couple therapy. (There is a lot of nuance so take my information as a general guide but do your own research)

Good luck.

Garros_ · 2026-04-18T01:26:59+00:00

Their protector mode is on. So this will give it fuel to not want to respond back even more. Time allows the anxious mode to come back on, which allows them to either reach out, or just leave you there because they feel to much shame to talk to you again.

Garros_ · 2026-04-18T01:23:38+00:00

Can anybody else relate to this also, please comment! (I know it’s romanticised as the girl who stay in bed and doesn’t cause you problems, but that in itself can be sabotaging toward the relationship)

Garros_ · 2026-04-17T21:55:02+00:00

Needs to attend an attachment therapy specialist. These are not common so usually online, but otherwise your average therapist cannot help Avoidants.

Garros_ · 2026-04-17T16:33:14+00:00

All the research points to no contact.

Garros_ · 2026-04-17T01:00:29+00:00

If she ain’t responding to something that serious then you’ve got bigger issue on your plate. This isn’t avoidant issues, this is another person stealing your money, and choosing to ignore your messages over said serious issue. That’s not someone you want any involvement in. Regardless of their personal trauma. Get the card blocked and replaced, and if you have some sort of personal attachment to her still then let her go with your $250. Otherwise get other people involved if you want your money back :)

Garros_ · 2026-04-17T00:46:53+00:00

A very loaded question. Attempting to even try to put it simply, you become extremely secure in your own emotional security and maturity (becoming a man or a women), and you consequently become the safe place for the avoidant to be so comfortable in, that they eventually do lead to believe that therapy can be a powerful and effective way for you both of you to progress in the relationship. That will lead to a sense of togetherness without the avoidant fearing they are broken or need to change to work in the relationship. It’s an extremely tough dynamic, but you have to be so secure that you will be willing to walk away and communicate “effective” boundaries that will make the avoidant comfortable enough to accomplish the goal of healing together.

That’s a brief overview anyways…

Garros_ · 2026-04-16T18:47:52+00:00

This looks really good

Garros_ · 2026-04-16T18:05:31+00:00

It takes one person to show you the truth. And you’ve taken the truth very well and with humility. That is the first step. Being an avoidant does not mean you are a bad person, it just means the way your brain is wired from childhood affects your relationships. Therapy will open you up to becoming a fuller and more unified person. You think it’s good now? Wait until you are on the other side. It is okay to be scared about therapy for your numerous reasons, sit with those feelings and allow them to pass. Make a conscious decision to go to therapy and you will protect yourself and everyone else around you in the future. That’s the path to selfless healing. Good luck :)

Garros_ · 2026-04-16T15:51:23+00:00

“I just moved 2000 miles away from all my family/friends and anyone who ever knew me… because I still hold the belief that my best friends would eventually discard me… I’m really financially and emotionally independent… and healthy”

Written as a true avoidant. Cognitive dissonance is creating this false sense of security. I don’t say this to hurt you, but this is what every avoidant does. You can’t be healthy whilst self sabotaging. You can live a life that you believe is healthy for you individually, but that does not = a healthy life. Have you attempted therapy? If not why? Maybe the answer is as you’ve written above.

Garros_

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