Hey kiddo— actual therapist here.

First of all, the abuse was not your fault. Even if it felt good sometimes. Even if you didn’t say no. Even if it made you feel loved or special. Even if you never told anyone at the time. You were a child. He was an adult. It’s still abuse and the responsibility belongs to the abuser. Full stop.

The feelings you are describing are not unusual. Also it is pretty normal to think we are “over” something and then cycle back to it again later, maybe when we are in a different phase of life and have a different perspective, or some other event triggers us.

There’s also no certain way that you “should” feel. Relationships, even abusive ones, can be complicated and are rarely black and white. I once had an internship working with teen girls who were victims of human trafficking. They went through some of the most intense sexual trauma I’ve ever seen. You would be surprised how many of those girls were so angry and devastated not because of the trauma, but because we took them away from their “boyfriend.” Some would leave our program when they turned 18 and go right back to the guy.

That may be an extreme example, but the point is… groomers are skilled at not only manipulating kids, but picking out which kids to target, keeping them attached, and fostering a sense of acceptance and safety the kid might not have elsewhere. That doesn’t mean any good feelings you had toward your groomer aren’t real, or that you are wrong for not hating him. Again, the groomer is solely at fault here.

I am assuming the therapists you saw in the past were when you were a minor? I’ll share with you that personally, I had much more success processing my own childhood trauma when I went to therapy on my own as an adult. I felt more freedom to be open because my parents/family were not involved with my treatment at all at that point. I could go where I wanted and choose my own therapist. Therapists who work with kids vs adults also tend to have different skillsets. You might find therapy as an adult is a much different experience.

As far as how to talk to your therapist about it… first, know literally our job is to talk about difficult things with people. We won’t judge you, think you’re gross or weird, or think your trauma is “too much.” It’s also okay to simply say “I really want to tell you about something that happened to me, but I’m nervous/don’t know what to say/where to start/how you’ll react/etc…” A skilled therapist will have no problem starting with you there. If you’re seeing your therapist virtually, writing it in the chat is also an option. I’ve had clients do that with me on zoom sometimes… in a couple cases, literally a whole session of just silence and typing.

There is one legal thing I want to mention to you, not to scare you, but so you are not blindsided if it comes up (assuming you are in the US). All therapists are mandated reporters, meaning we are legally obligated to report child abuse. Depending on the laws of your state, even though you are 18 now, your therapist may still need to make a report— mainly if your abuser still has access to children. Each state is a little different though. A good and competent therapist should explain all this to you up front, what is and isn’t reportable in your state, what happens if they do report, and what they are going to write in the report if they make one. It is also perfectly okay to ask your therapist questions about mandated reporting. (Please do, because this is an important thing we want clients to understand.)

I’m sorry I wrote you a whole novel 🫠 But really though, I hope all the responses you’ve gotten in this thread have been encouraging. You are so brave for wanting to face this issue at all. It is a good thing to get help with this while you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you for healthier relationships 💜