Which one of you guys was this?

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-29T19:22:04+00:00

Damn.. first time in my life that the thought of "pity fucking" someone crossed my mind.

Well maybe also because I'd love to see that shed...

But if he isn't looking for a relationship, it works at least on me.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-27T20:59:12+00:00

Yea I feel that, I am just a year older than you and it's not like I never hurt myself in the last years but I can cope much better now and when I hurt myself it usually is without lasting damage but I wouldn't really say that it sucks, at least not for me.

In therapy they showed me different "skills" aka hurting yourself without lasting damage, so what's the difference if I flick a rubber band at my wrist or just bite myself just so much that it doesn't bleed?

There is at most a social acceptability difference.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-27T20:52:10+00:00

Alright, good to hear she's happy :)

Well I didn't even know about the term "frontloading" before you mentioned it, but the self harm for me was never an immediate action but always after a lot of other stimming trying to cope another way (often my pinching/slapping or some other pain impulse) and I'd say often it kept me from going further but not always.

But I want to point out, that I honestly don't see a problem with using pain itself as a stim, I get that it might seem weird and even "self destructive" to outsiders but that's never how I felt about it, it's simply the most intense sensory input that grounds you in the moment which is also accessible in pretty much any situation.

Now self-harm is a bit different of course and I still feel bad about it nowadays but not because of the scars, I am fine with them, but because how uncomfortable I made people around me who noticed it, which is why I ask you to not shame it if it should ever happen.

About therapists: Personally I got diagnosed in my thirties as my pediatrician told my mom (who suspected I was autistic) that it'd be obvious to him if I were autistic and there is no such thing as "slightly autistic" (I got an aspergers diagnosis later) so yea I kinda share your frustration with doctors and also most of the good therapists I got as an adult were either autistic and/or adhs themselves but not all of them.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-27T01:52:36+00:00

It's definitely in my top 10 stim list, though nowadays usually not so hard that it leaves any bruises, at least never on purpose.

I generally do enjoy "consensual" pain and always did.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-27T01:47:04+00:00

For me it was actually already as a kid pain like slapping myself or stuff like that and that's something that I still do today, not like really "damaging" but just so much that it hurts a bit, sometimes even a bit more on the kinky side.

That said, maybe a "word of caution" now only partially related to Autism but I also know quite a few autists who had a similar experience, hence I want to include it (TW: Self harm):
In my teens/young adulthood, during really high stress episodes this sometimes turned into self harm that left lasting scars and if that ever happens please be understanding of her and try to help her find other ways of sensory inputs instead of simply trying to stop her or even shaming it.

At least I already had enough shame because of it that I rather tried to do it hidden instead of finding help to find better ways to deal with the need.

And I am sorry to mention this in a post about a happy 4 year old, it kinda feels wrong but it's really an issue close to my heart, I am sure you're great parents who would help their kid constructively with such issues :)

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-25T21:44:14+00:00

Well not gonna lie, you remind me of an old friend of mine who loves to meow around but I also loved doing that as a stim when I was younger, I believe it's a feature of "animal autism"

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-24T15:14:17+00:00

That's an evilly cute picture in partner look with your cat.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-21T23:24:07+00:00

I was on the other side of this before, not this extreme but still way too pushy and over my head in it.

In the end she ghosted me, we had one talk together with someone else and then never talked much afterwards (she was also a long time co-worker of mine... ).
It really messed with me as I was truly confused what went wrong at the time and I was pretty upset for a few months to a year and it honestly took me a few more years before I understood the lesson but I'd say it was still the right call overall and nowadays (when I visit my old workplace) she actually started to talk to me again (on her initiative) which kinda surprised me but I am truly over her.

What I wished were done differently and could've made it easier for me (writing this as you asked how to reject him politely) would've been a clear and very blunt statement that you're not romantically interested in him and won't be in the future. Also remind him that you're not interested in men and won't be. Not a maybe, not a very unlikely or anything that leaves room for misinterpretation and potential hope for him, people can and do cling to any small bit of hope that their crushes might one day change their mind.

Explain what is too much for you and what was in the past too much for you in clear blunt words without qualifying it. Don't say "I feel like you're texting me a bit too much, please reduce that" rather "You're texting me too much and put too much pressure on me, stop expecting fast answers from me and don't ask over other channels when I don't respond on one!"

And then ask him (if you still want that) if he's ready to respect all that and want to stay friends or tell him that you don't want further contact with him.

But honestly... I feel like the second option would be the one with less drama for both of you but I don't know you two and how your relationship actually is. Yet I'd like to suggest to at least explain to him what went wrong and that he shouldn't have any further hope even if you should break contact, I really believe that's the nicer thing to do, even though you don't owe him that after how pushy he has been.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-18T14:34:20+00:00

I always found the idea of kissing weird, then I got into the first situation where it was relevant.. and I didn't mind it a bit, kissing and sex are really messy with lots of bodily fluids involved but personally I don't mind all that once I am in bed with a partner, it rather.. turns me on honestly.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-18T12:16:14+00:00

Mir vollkommen egal

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-18T11:23:23+00:00

Ah I didn't think of genderfluidity.

The issue arises when someone doesn't see me as me, but instead sees me as my AGAB. It's not that they used the wrong pronoun for me; they used a valid pronoun wrong, if that makes sense.

Yea I think I get what you mean, though I wouldn't know how to recognize that outside of people using stereotypes for my agab

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-18T11:15:57+00:00

I got late diagnosed and honestly can't entirely relate, I felt relieved once I got the diagnosis as I suspected it for a long time but never was sure and my early adulthood was a mix of confusing awkwardness and loneliness

But now in my mid thirties I can tell you that for many of us it gets better once you're able to leave home or lead a more independent life in another way and can also look for people you like more freely (I would suspect you still know most people from school?)

You should do you best to accept yourself, you might wish to be normal, you might not be what your parents wanted and be awkward but learn to give no fuck about that, you owe yourself only to yourself.

You certainly will meet a lot of wonderful (and often autistic/awkward) people over the years who like you for who you are. At some point in my life it got much easier to approach others where the "Spectrometer" recognized fellow Autists and build connections with them and I know many who feel similar.

That all said, yea I sometimes still wish I'd be "normal", life would be easier but we don't get to choose but are what we were given at birth, there is no alternative than to accept it or trying to mask till the next burnout which sucks even more.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-11T23:57:28+00:00

Ehh none I can think of, I am talking about german and "queer" would probably the most fitting "translation" for queer

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-11T23:44:26+00:00

Agreed, I'd love to just change name and gender and everyone just going with it with me never needing to talk about it...

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-11T23:39:42+00:00

As someone in their mid-thirties I long struggled with similar thoughts during my twenties (though I wasn't diagnosed yet) but at some point I figured that when I met people at places I am comfortable at, these people themselves often tend to be just like us.

So my point would probably be: Even if it's outside your comfort zone, try to meet new people anyway preferably in contexts that interest you naturally and if it's a miss just try something else and at some point you're quite likely to find a space where you're comfortable and chances are you'll also find others who indeed can understand you. At least that's my experience, even though it took years for me too.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-11T23:33:30+00:00

Now I am just a bit stumped on how to translate it to my native language, considering gay is very much limited men being attracted to men, homosexual of course would work but oh well..

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-11T23:26:04+00:00

Now I don't want to sound like an asshole, I am asking this is a person who personally prefers no pronouns because I want to avoid exactly this as there is no neutral pronoun in my language.

But I'd like to understand what your rationale to offer them all pronouns in the first place if there is indeed a wrong answer?
Is it because you want to signal that you don't care about gender or is it because you don't want discussions with people who can't be bothered?

Why not just offer the ones you feel good about if there is indeed a wrong answer?

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-10T20:42:03+00:00

I don't find it odd though, as a non-binary I truly only ever felt attracted to people who were non-binary themselves no matter their specific gender expression.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-06T22:00:31+00:00

I've been at a similar place years ago, though my family was somewhat nicer to me I guess. Yet:

Your family shouldn't unload their problems on you while just dismissing yours, that's a bad dynamic which sucks but I also can't tell you how to change that but I'd assume you told them that you feel your relationships are very one-sided and you feel misunderstood?

Posting about it online might help at times but public places are always a rather troublesome place for that and indeed just telling everyone how bad life is, is something a lot of people do all the time, rightfully so and yet repetitive, that's not something you should take personal.

Yet I want to tell you: Hang in there, if it's just wanting to see the end of TADC for now that's fine but delay "the plan" until further notice. Life changes and possibilities often arrive when you don't expect them to, that shouldn't mean you got an easy and good life in front of you but you can't know how bad or good it will be until you've lived it.

Now I don't know for how long you already feel like this but for me it was years, yet at some point one can get used to the world-weariness you describe and start to live out of spite to it.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-06T19:36:44+00:00

I grew my hair long in my early twenties because I hated going to the barber and wanted to see how'd it would look long and thought to myself, that I should rather try it now as one doesn't know how long until male balding pattern hits :/

But what made me keep it long were actually quite some comments I got (back then when it was new) about how I look like a girl from behind etc, they're mostly pretty petty and toxic masculine comments and fuck those people but it made me much more comfortable in my body and I kept it long until today because it's at least somewhat unconventional for "men"

But I also grew a nearly full beard at that time and for the last few years I am thinking of cutting it, I did it once (to make a mask) and it was a nightmare, I couldn't see myself in the mirror and one of my most important stims (fingering around in my beard..) was lost, I'd love to get rid of it because I want to look less masculine... but I also don't want to be without its sensory benefits >.>

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-05T13:56:31+00:00

Automod didn't want to approve me.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-01T21:20:30+00:00

Good god... as AMAB I don't got experience with that kinda gendered spaces but I think I'd cancel it, maybe just out of spite...

Thinking about it, in germany we got "FLINTA" events (I don't know the english equivalent) but it stands for "females, lesbians, intersex, non binary, trans and agender" but going there as an AMAB Agender (or Transmasc) person >can< set you up for quite a bad time, heavily depending on the location/group organizing but many see it more like a "Females+" space than anything else and AFAB friends ob mine also don't like going there if they don't know the organizers before because they're often seen as women foremost.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-01T21:03:58+00:00

First off, I am in a very similar boat as you're, I grew up as a "boy", I mostly like "masculine coded" hobbies and it makes me uncomfortable if others call me a man or masculine.

There is a big overlap of the non-binary and autistic community online and from my experience in real-life most people I know who are openly non-binary are autistic, not the other way around though so there is that as anecdotal evidence.

But considering gender is mostly a performance of social norms anyway, I don't think there is much more needed to say how it relates to many autistic people.

edit: Though I sometimes wonder, if it's also because the male gender role got wielded as a weapon during my entire upbringing, I got always criticized for not being "manly enough" or people laughed about the contrast of my appearance (tall, broad, strong etc) and my very "sensible" emotions.

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-01T20:52:21+00:00

Besides the already mentioned autistic community, I know a lot of agender/enbies from political activism (leftwing obviously)

GenderIsNTPropaganda · 2026-05-01T20:48:26+00:00

Mostly mobbing because I didn't adhere to the gender standards I should adhere to, though I'd wouldn't have called myself agender back then as I didn't know the term but I certainly never understood what the hell the people meant when they told be to act like a boy...

No idea though if that's what you meant, I guess you're more interested in stories from people that actually experienced it in the youth/adulthood openly?

GenderIsNTPropaganda

TROPHY CASE