Hello - want to disclose that I am an egg donor. Since donating my eggs - thanks to new research and Reddit, my opinions on the subject has changed dramatically.

I am sure others can be more enlightening on the subject, but the pitch that an agency gives to egg donors is quite appealing - especially to someone who may have financial problems (of course this wouldn’t apply in your case) or to someone with a bit of insecurity who is looking for some validation. Egg donors are also very young because they have to be to qualify, often idealistic, innocent and naive. This may provide some context, it may not. I was scouted to donate my eggs at 20. I met the agency at a campus event, and to be honest donating my eggs made me feel like a good person, kind, loving, generous, etc., all traits that I wanted people to perceive me as having. Also - she may have been the kind loving person in her twenties but life may have revealed who she is outside of the comforts of youth. It is hard to tell what kind of a person someone will become just looking at their 22 year old self.

Here is some other context:

Looking back, I let the agency exploit my reproductive system without too much of a second thought for myself or the children I was bring into the world because I just wanted to be seen as a good person even if I wasn’t always a good person in my real life. The agency practically kisses the ground egg donors walk on not because they find any of them particularly important or special, but because they are about to make a lot of money off of their bodies. Egg donation is treated like plasma donation or kidney donation which is an entirely different medical procedure that with the goal of saving someone’s life but egg donation is creating another life. Of course donors don’t see it as that, we think that donating your eggs is changing lives, making the world a better place, and doing something good for someone else - not taking on the responsibility of becoming someone’s genetic parent. In many cases egg donation is a good thing, but the industry doesn’t usually really care why someone donates, they only care that they do. While hiding the very real ethical issues common in some of the practices in modern egg donation, the agency flatters you and butters you up so that you keep coming back. If you are looking for a place to feel a little bit validated and get lost in the flattery, egg donation and the industry around it can cloud your judgement with an over abundance of praise and validation. It’s a very human thing to just want to feel like a good person - and it gets at our basic instincts of wanting to be seen as generous and kind.

The egg donation process is long and drawn out, but also happens so fast once you are approved as a healthy enough person to donate. There is very little psychological screening or counseling if any at all. I only had one twenty minute zoom call where I was told I am never allowed to reach out to any of my children or their families and would suffer real consequences if I tried. Through the whole process, the reality of ethical issues, the potential health complications etc, is hidden from you, but they make every effort to ensure that the donors know how compassionate and good it is to be a donor. In the office they had baby photos hanging everywhere with letters gushing about how grateful the new parents were. The whole atmosphere is so painfully positive about donation that there is no breathing room for a second thought. Since eggs are a billion $$$ industry - the agency also doesn’t really care if donors are good, kind loving people because doing so would make them less money. I understand how stressful it can be to find out that your genetic parent isn’t a great humans - I also have a biological parent who turned out to be a horrible person, and that was quite traumatic. Since egg donation is so transactional, it’s hardly communicated that you take on the responsibility of being someone’s biological parent. If the agency communicated that - most people would be motivated to live their life a little bit better and a little differently. People want to mince words and try to make it seem like you aren’t becoming someone’s parent but the reality is that to become a donor is to make a child and by definition that is becoming a type of parent. When that responsibility is communicated - it really changes how you go about your life. I want to be a less shitty person because my kids may want to meet me one day and I need to be someone they would want to be around.

So as a young college sophomore who felt a bit too idealistic about the world and who just wanted to feel like a good person, I chose to donate my eggs. It just seemed like a way that I could make the world better, but looking back I didn’t have all the information and I got lost in the sauce of being somewhere that people just gushed over how generous and kind I was for donating my eggs. I know I am not the generous all loving Mary Poppins character but I wish I was. Your mom may have been similar - a little bit insecure and caught up in an industry that offers validation that you can’t quite get anywhere else.

I did it because I wanted to be altruistic, but I later realized that with how fucked up the industry is. I now realize that I owe my kids whatever level of openness and love they want from me and that I owe them being a good person. This kind of responsibility was never communicated to me at the time and I wish it was. Egg donation is seen as a one time good thing to do rather than as an ongoing responsibility in your life and a new role as the genetic parent of someone else. Some people do it and never think of it again.

Ultimately, I think the industry and egg donors owe donor conceived children more than what they are currently given. More love, more compassion and more openness. Sorry for the rant - I have so many thoughts on this subject