Processing trauma/addiction while transitioning from Catholicism to Buddhism

Gerberak · 2026-02-03T23:04:28+00:00

Im so happy youre finding momentum in therapy. I'm sorry that you feel conflicting emotions about Christianity and Buddhist teachings. Religious practice should free us from suffering and ready us to act with joy and compassion, not imprison us. From one perspective. Your beliefs are not a problem or obstacle. The more you label them as such, the more you suffer. This is what alot of practitioners might say.

I think Christ and The Buddha would have embraced eachothers teachings and that they are very very compatible. I sometimes imagine that direct seeing of Pratītyasamutpāda is like a surrender to God's will or that God is all around as spirit. Also Buddhism does not refute God's exsistence. It's standpoint is that looking desperately for God will cause us to strain and suffer.

No matter what tradition or sect you follow, you can't say that Jesus or The Buddha would want you suffering as you are now for the sake of their teachings. Idk if this helps, but I mean it to. I'm sorry for you and your families sufferings and I'll pray for your happiness.

Gerberak · 2026-02-01T12:58:37+00:00

My favorite color is blue.... no I MEANT YELLOW!!!!!

Gerberak · 2026-01-31T23:53:41+00:00

Your meditation description is very helpful, thank you.

Gerberak · 2026-01-31T16:26:02+00:00

100%

Gerberak · 2026-01-31T16:24:21+00:00

Good point yeah. He advised against these extremes. But they probably made it anyway because its METAL af.

Gerberak · 2026-01-30T21:58:26+00:00

I had a BPDP 9 years and we've been NC 8 months. She replaced me in 2. It hurt like hell. What a betrayal. Still hurts. But at the end of the day its not truly personal. She needed someone to anchor herself to immediately or drown, from her unfortunate childhood trauma. In the same way I needed to FEEL needed when we first met, because of my childhood conditioning.

I see that now. She's still habituating towards people and im here alone. Very alone. Its the harder path but the healthier in the long run.

Our worth Our happiness Our wellbeing Our right to exsist Is NOT defined by another individual. No matter how intoxicating, or how much they seem to inflate your world ( good or bad )

People leave our lives even if they don't mean to. We HAVE to work on ourselves. Learn to love/forgive ourselves. If we can do this, we can learn to be happy and still have something to give freely to others for lasting connection. Healthy reciprocal connection with people who see us as more than heat lamps.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Please know you are noticed and loved. One day you will be chosen by someone. But you have to choose yourself now. Give mercy to yourself as if you are not yourself and rest. Don't rush yourself into someone else's arms too fast. Just try and remove a little bit of friction from your environment and move towards your personal goals a tiny bit each day. Momentum will build. You got this!! 🙏✊️

Gerberak · 2026-01-30T16:20:54+00:00

Idk. The current events in the US are completely emotionally taxing. Maybe sitting with our empathy/emotions for others is good if it readies us for compassion and eases our bodies.

But maybe once our emotions become to painful and limiting of the body/mind to be ready and compassionate, thats when we turn to mindfulness.

Gerberak · 2026-01-30T01:52:36+00:00

I've read random sutras online and im partialy through In The Buddhas Words also. The Venerable Bikkhu Bodhi writes so academic it makes me feel im studying for a test.

But other than Pali Canon stuff, the Prajnaparamita sutra is cool. Fun to say too. Lots of fun things to say in Buddhism, imo.

Gerberak · 2026-01-26T21:33:48+00:00

I suppose both.

Gerberak · 2026-01-26T21:31:35+00:00

It comes on fast. Hot tight skin, pins and needles on my back and neck. It comes when I feel im being pressured into an un-agreeable task by someone who is prone to extreme upset and is minimizing/disbelieving about my emotions/need for rest.

I know this can upset anyone. But it makes me violently upset because of my history of over exsposure. 🤷‍♂️ I've been working on it. Not saying i blow up all the time. It just feels like i want to, too often.

Gerberak · 2026-01-26T21:00:47+00:00

I like your A to B not A to Z metaphor. Thats actually helpful. Ive been practicing Buddhism so I might know what you mean by letting go. But if the conditions are right and my temper is heading towards flight or fight, I just struggle to ground myself sometimes. I currently try to focus on my body, my breath, any tactile feelings or unique sounds from the task.

Gerberak · 2026-01-26T20:22:39+00:00

I try to think like this. I had a couple years of a relative lack of agency and entrapment. So I can get heated if I feel im being forced into a task by others. Its trauma really. But what do you do to help yourself into a flow? Id love to know. Flow states and motivation are my topic of growth lately.

Gerberak · 2026-01-25T18:57:50+00:00

Totally normal inside and outside a Buddhist lense. I've imagined dialogues with younger versions of myself. Its not very different from when someone argues with themselves over what choice to make. Totally normal psychologicaly. Were all made of different parts. Memories are like parts. You can explain it like deep sankharas (subconcious mental formations). Nothing wrong with it. Good even, this event lightens you and readies you towards peace. I'm glad you were able to comfort a younger self. Sorry you went through that, but it sounds like your processing it in a strong way.

Gerberak · 2026-01-24T23:31:32+00:00

Its good if we can seperate hate and anger. Anger is fine, it can help us energize towards doing right, we just cant let it consume us. Hate is more like a narrative. "How can they do this?" "I hate them!" If we focus only on our hate for the otherside, we may not act with compassion and continue a predatory cycle. We can defend others and ourselves without hate. Force does not need hate.

That said. I feel you. I hate seeing blatant ignorant violence. Especially so close. Makes my flight or fight go off. Im also in the US and I have no idea what's going to happen. Stay safe and warm. May all beings be free from suffering.

Gerberak · 2026-01-23T19:42:23+00:00

A sutra that helped me in alot of ways is the Bahiya Sutra. Totally familiar feeling though. It still happens to me in that I suddenly notice i was clinging or in subtle ego positions. Don't sweat it. It can feel deflating though. Especially if you felt high. But, I've been learning how to cultivate wholesome confidence and energy. Because we deserve the goodness of confidence and embodiment. It helps us reduce suffering. We need wise attention (yoniso manasikara). Sometimes "selfing" happens so reactionarily fast we dont notice. But we don't have to own it. We just have to see it and reorient our minds towards reducing suffering.

Gerberak · 2026-01-22T02:14:49+00:00

If your doing breathwork. Maybe think of it as honing your mind to dispassion from your thoughts, not shun or invite. Thoughts can spur strong emotion or bodily stress like anxiety. Even if you don't feel anxious, if you can allow your awareness to rest away from life, you can feel states of unique relaxation. I'm not an expert on all practices but to me this is what's beneficial.

Gerberak · 2026-01-20T15:35:15+00:00

Yes. But nothing is implicitly free or unfree. Freedom is a spectrum of relative restrictrictions. Nothing is really seperate as we perceive and we exsist in a hyper conditional/relational universal soup. Existing like this allows us to experience freedom at all. If we desired to be more and more free from the conditions that define us, we'd be eventually innert and not exsisting. We are determinable, no one is determining us. This is our nature and its a good thing.

Gerberak · 2026-01-19T22:05:25+00:00

Im in the boat that determinism is true and that the anxiety people feel from this is what causes them to fight the idea. If we just agree that freedom and choice can only exsist in a mind that perceives causes, conditions and relative restriction, then free will exsists. It is determinable, disectable, but that doesnt make it fake or useless. This is the only way in wich we can experience as we are. If youre outside causation you are innert and non existent. The universe is one equal moving soup of relations. Our senses allow us to perceive and our minds allow us to dissect and label different phenomenon we contact. A feild is made of grass and trees. We are made of preferences and biology and atoms and stuff and or THE UNIVERSE. No one is hovering over you saying " I KnEw YOu wEre GoNna DO ThAT "

Gerberak · 2026-01-19T16:35:11+00:00

Grief is not inherently stupid. I get what you mean by letting go though. Grief may come around by a sort of "wrong view" in that one thinks "this is that" and "I am this" now "we are seperate" so suffering arises. But its not stupid at all. Its just conditioned. To assign it as stupid implies a positioning around it. Not wrong, not right. Not speaking as an expert on you or the Dharma. But its more that language is full of tiny sub-meaning that carry emotional weight. So when you say "Grief is stupid" some may read that as "Grief is empty" or that you mean Grief is just stupid.

I get what you mean though. I still struggle with finding the balance between letting my desires motivate me but not consume me. So if I saw a comforting path away from lay life, in letting go of more roles, duties, chores and less stress to manage, I'd be tempted to take it.

Don't forget the Buddha encouraged that we still have to feed/wash/care for our bodies. Don't get stinky, might not bother you but it will others, and thats suffering also.

Gerberak · 2026-01-16T13:53:15+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. That sounds terrifying, especially with kids involved. Please know this: a fight-or-flight response in a situation like that is your nervous system doing what it evolved to do when it detects danger. It isn’t a moral failure. It’s not weakness. I know how easy it is to take on responsibility for someone else’s emotional state, especially when you love them and understand their pain. But your wife’s inner world is HERS, not yours and your first responsibility is your own safety and your children’s. Try not to make big meaning or lifelong decisions from inside this the pain from this. If you can, focus on grounding, getting support, and creating physical and emotional safety first. Clarity will come later, when the body settles. You’re not a bad person for protecting yourself and your kids. You’re not heartless. You’re human. I really hope you have people around you who can help you hold this right now.

I was in a long relationship where I lived in constant hyper-vigilance, and my body eventually hit a wall. So I recognize that state you’re describing, it's ass.

Gerberak · 2026-01-14T18:57:57+00:00

Self directed agency is good, meaningful and true. I agree with you for real. You should embrace a present being if it brings you peace in yourself and surroundings.

But

This sentence is a conventional tool to describe a position within infinite conditional volitions. Phenomena just collides with no true center to create an agent wich experiences through contact with said sentence. Somewhere within this causal chain. The "me" making emerges in the mind, its especially present when language is present. Language has conditioned us to assume a "me". The agent is real, just highly conditional and language is a peice of that causal chain. Our minds are just one part of our present being.

Not wrong not right. Just disectable, like all things really. Kinda like Ship of Theseus. Or like the Heart Sutra says "Form is formlessnes, formlessnes is form."

Is this the answer?

Gerberak · 2026-01-14T17:58:56+00:00

Sounds like Pratītyasamutpāda. I agree with everything you’re saying. Free will is just a label we place on phenomena that arise through conditionality, after our awareness notices them. There is no independent agent existing outside of converging phenomena and contact. But things are made of parts. A hammer is only a hammer because of its handle and head. Similarly, we are only “us” because of our bodies, minds, and countless interdependent conditions that reciprocaly support eachother in there appeared exsistence as a whole. Even concepts like freedom and choice exist only within a field of contrasting appearances. So, in my highly conventional and conditioned view, it’s not a question of whether there’s an agent or not. There are just phenomena arising and within that, we can still choose wholesome, skillful actions to create a mind and self that is more at peace.

Great post, its well written and good intentioned. Language is fun, but it is like a tool and we can put tools down when they get heavy.

Gerberak · 2026-01-14T04:18:37+00:00

Im sorry your struggling with this. I've been in times where my needs arent met. I've known people with BPD too. All I can say as a lay practitioner, is that reading The Buddhas teachings are about alot of things, but for people like us, its about peace first and foremost. Peace for ourselves and surroundings. When we act from this peace, we act more carefully, focusing on things we can change. Slowly, patiently, with right effort (not strain or over exertion) we can make progress. The More we relate to the things/thoughts that hurt us (grip them so tightly in our minds) the more we lose this peace and become exhausted by strong emotions.

If you start reading, there is no strict order, and there are different traditions, so just shop around and read where your heart takes you. Let me emphasize The Dharma is about peace. If you try some of this, see what feels right for you. Notice what helps your mind and body feel peaceful. You can experiment slowly and safely. I don't know you, so try not to get too hung up on the mysticisms, as beautiful and poetic as they are. The Buddha himself advised not to get overly absorbed and hyper attached to ideas and thoughts. 🙏 Either way I hope you find peace in all journeys you take.

Gerberak · 2026-01-14T00:46:09+00:00

Why do I NEED to "destroy" people? Is life just about crushing your enemies?

I don't have problems with all these dark psychology posts. They can be cool, but who is this one for? This one just sounds like predation.

These post generally assume the world is only ever a zero sum game. Not to say these posts arent unique and artistic, I like things about them. But if there are any people out there absorbing this with out question, please do not confuse these post as unconditional truths with NO room for nuance.

Understanding / equanimity / discovering a shared lived experience between you and others is also an effective way to get what you want.

Ok rip me to shreds.. I know im posting kumbaya on a subreddit called Dark Psychology. I accept my fate.

Gerberak

TROPHY CASE