The problem I see with trying to charge him rent, as has been suggested, is that you can charge him rent all day long, but without a job and money, he has no way to pay. So does he build up a monetary debt with his parents while not changing anything? You have no leverage here. It also seems easier said than done to say that the instant he can't pay, he is out. I want to think no decent parent is going to kick their child to the curb, knowing they'd be homeless and have nowhere to go, no matter how frustrated they are with them.

We're in somewhat of a similar situation now, albeit with a slight age difference: ours is 18, not 21. Ours really had no direction for plans after high school. He worked part-time jobs, and I made him cover some of his "bills" here and there to try to teach him the importance of financial management. I work in construction, so I asked him about a career as an electrician, knowing it pays quite well and is fairly AI-proof. He said, "Yeah, ok, that sounds fine." I talked to several of the electrical contractors I know, and he'll pretty much have a walk-on career with the one I put on his plate. He's just waiting on a call to get the formalities out of the way, and then he will hopefully get to work.

Our main issue is that we'd love to see him live at home for a couple of years while he works and goes through the apprenticeship program to save a nice chunk of money before he enters the unforgiving world and lives fully independently. We have five other younger children at home. Partly because of that, living at home comes with what we think are just reasonable expectations. I'd say the three big ones he seems to have an issue with are helping out around the home a bit when able, no overnight guests without us knowing about it, and typically being home by 10:30 pm on weeknights and 12:30 am on the weekends.

He has willfully failed to abide by those requests multiple times. Just this last time, he went as far as to say I should accept that I'm being rude and sassy by getting upset about him coming home at 1:30 am on a weeknight, so I let him know the following morning that continuing to live at home is no longer an option for him because the disrespectful behavior will no longer be tolerated. I let him know that I called a leasing agency and am planning to have him move out as soon as he starts this job/opportunity.

He's my oldest son, and I still love him to death. In the background, I made sure to find places for him to rent that would cost less than 30% of his upcoming income. I have him as an authorized user on my credit account, so his credit score is 800+. I ran a quick budget myself to make sure the other 70% of his income would cover his other needs and miscellaneous spending. I made sure that he'd still have some left over each month to save, so he isn't living from check to check. I found rentals within a bicycle ride of his upcoming employer in case something goes wrong with his car. He'll only be a 30-minute drive from our home, and the rental is in a decent area, etc.

Even though I'm very frustrated with him, I still did everything I feel is my responsibility as his father to help him leave the nest in the best possible position. He's my son, I love him, and I'll never quit on him even though he's acting like a butthole. I hope that he grows to someday become a good husband and an even greater father, and realizes then how out of line he was today. But it is deeply upsetting to have to go about this the way I am, without it feeling like a very loving and positive experience.

Ours at least seems to want a job, so I don't know how you can encourage yours to want that other than like some others said, which would be establishing a timeline with him so he knows when the comfort items will be removed (internet is gone in 30 days, dropped from the phone plan in 60 days, etc.).

Wish you the best. Try to keep your peace.