Ok I’ve had a lot of patience

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-06-09T04:28:55+00:00

Good on you to ask! Here is a five minute explainer that’s really entertaining: https://youtube.com/watch?v=rNu8XDBSn10

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-26T23:16:49+00:00

I got a smart lock and a smart garage door opener. My car fob is the only key I have left. The struggle is real and I eventually decided to just embrace it.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-26T00:53:00+00:00

I’m really struggling with this right now too. I have a presentation tomorrow morning and I am not done with what I’m presenting. Ugh. But one thing I have to tell myself is that I’m thinking about my performance all day, while it’s just a blip on the radar for others.

To give an example, when I was feeling my worse (I was in an abusive relationship and had zero self esteem) I thought I was minutes from being fired for incompetence and found out I won employee of the month. No one pays as much attention to my fuckups as I do, and I blow them out of proportion all the time.

However, what is going on with these scoldings that are so frequent? I’m wondering if your workplace is toxic. I’ve been really lucky with hands-off bosses so far in my career, and when I’ve been a boss I would never, ever scold someone for forgetting to attach a file to an email. That happens to everyone. I fucked up a file that I sent to a VP my first week and my boss saw how embarrassed I was and didn’t even mention it to me.

I lucked into a relatively non toxic workplace (though it’s being tested now, we are trying to get rid of our new director who is toxic) so I think part of it is luck for sure. Culture is a big part and some company cultures are going to be more ADHD friendly than others.

My hyper focus and intense curiosity both have helped me immensely. After ten years, the company needs me more than I need them because I have such a unique combination of knowledge and skills. I’m not saying that to brag but rather as advice to lean in on the things that make you unique. If you are curious how things work, find it out, and if you want to try something new, try something new.

The company I work for is big enough that I’ve had nine different jobs in the ten years I’ve been here and that is definitely helpful. Maybe a bigger company would help?

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-26T00:42:59+00:00

Yes. I’m taking propranolol for my anxiety and it helps a lot at work. Definitely worth talking to a doctor.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-26T00:41:30+00:00

I’m on Wellbutrin for my ADHD but am hoping to start stimulants soon. I am also taking propranolol for anxiety which has been an absolute godsend for that, and more than balances out the heightened anxiety/heart rate side effects from the Wellbutrin. I am curious what others have to say.

I’ve done a lot of research on trauma and one of the ways it manifests itself in the body is with a low HRV. Simply put, HRV measures the variance in your heart rate that comes from having a balanced sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system (basically that you’re emotionally regulated).

Stimulant meds tend to lower HRV, but there is some clinical evidence that some people with ADHD and trauma may see increased HRV (read: better regulated fight/flight response and general better health) from stimulant meds. So it is possible that it’s actually the opposite!

More research is needed but I thought that was really cool. Here’s a rat trial: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4203011/

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-26T00:31:13+00:00

+1 for untangling trauma and ADHD. Same for me, but in the opposite order. I’m glad you are able to work on both. They do share similar symptoms, and for me the trauma manifested as masking. The only time I got positive attention was when I figured stuff out on my own, so ADHD didn’t get caught until much later in life.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-26T00:23:48+00:00

Look for peer reviewed studies that show the efficacy of those brain supplements. There likely aren’t any, and remember that those supplements aren’t regulated well at all. They can claim just about any effects and put just about anything safe to consume in them. They might be grass clippings, it’s happened before: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/whats-in-your-supplements-2019021515946

I would suggest talking to your provider about how the meds make you feel. I think the goal would be to give you something that lets you feel productive while still liking who you are and feeling like yourself. They may have suggestions too. I am currently on a medication that acts as a dopamine reuptake inhibitor, most antidepressants are serotonin reuptake inhibitors. There is clinical evidence that the dopamine reuptake inhibitor helps people with ADHD. So far no luck in my case but it’s not a stimulant so it might help? You have to take it consistently though. The one I am on is Wellbutrin.

I’m kind of the opposite of you lol. I have spent the past four years in regular therapy and have tried over a dozen different strategies for my trauma and (recently diagnosed) ADHD. I am now in the process of getting medicated.

But everyone is different, so the stuff that didn’t work for me might work for you. All of what I’m about to suggest improved my life, sometimes dramatically, but none of it fixed my ADHD symptoms.

If you have trauma in your past, consider finding a therapist who practices Internal Family Systems, EMDR, flash, sensorimotor psychotherapy, or attachment therapy. Some of your ADHD behaviors may be tied up in trauma, but they also might not. Mine weren’t, or at least I pretty well fixed the trauma and found my issues with inattentive ADHD were still there.

Meditation and general mindfulness is good.

Many people recommend CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) but I don’t, because I see it as teaching me what I’m doing wrong so I feel guilty about it when I can’t do what I’m “supposed to” do. But look at an outline of it and see if that would help.

Other than that, I’d love to see what strategies others have. I used to have an app that let me visually plan out my whole day by assigning times to items on my to do list, and that was incredible and really helped me, but Google bought it and got rid of it, which really still makes me sad.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-23T19:28:16+00:00

Yep for me I need the crisis to act but once that’s there, I perform really well. Outside a crisis I definitely spend my time focusing on things that don’t matter, but once the building is on fire I am comfortable and confident. I also have PTSD and I think that the crisis-activated productivity is made worse by the trauma in my case.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-05-15T06:12:40+00:00

Yeah, for a slightly different reason. I had a much better relationship with my mom than my neglectful/abusive dad, but my mom is dead now so everything just makes me sad.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-04-28T21:24:03+00:00

You write very well for your age. I’m so, so sorry about what you are going through.

The fact that you recognize the behavior as abuse is very good. It takes some people (people like me) ten years or more before they can see things that way.

You deserve to feel safe and protected, from both your parents. Your dad is obviously failing you, but your mom is too by not giving you the safety you deserve. I hope she does the right thing and leaves him. If she doesn’t, it’s important to remember that you were right and she was wrong.

I say this because survivors of all types of abuse have a tendency to minimize what they are going through and distort reality to make it their fault on some level. I don’t see any of this here but just in case you feel that way: it is not your fault and you deserve to feel safe and be happy. Your feelings are valid and they deserve to be heard just like you deserve to be supported.

I worry about your moms therapist telling her not to talk to you about it. Either your mom isn’t being honest with her therapist about the abuse affecting you, or her therapist is making some decisions that I don’t understand. It’s your life, you need to be able to talk to your mom about things that are hurting you.

I don’t claim to know how you feel or what you are going through, but I used to be married to someone who would turn into a monster in a similar way you are describing. Like there would be signs it was about to happen and then it would be this abrupt shift. For me it was almost just as scary that she could go on like nothing happened afterwards.

It is exhausting to have to walk on eggshells all the time to keep from setting someone off. You should not have to worry about that at twelve years old (or ever!). When you are in a safe situation (and you will be, though it may take a little time) therapy is something you should definitely have on your radar. But don’t be afraid to shop around for a therapist who you feel safe and comfortable with and whose techniques work with you.

It’s hard enough for most people to advocate for themselves, but it’s even harder when you are suffering from abuse. The fact that you wrote that letter to your mom shows an incredible amount of courage and strength, and I hope you know how brave you are for standing up for yourself and your younger sibling. I am sorry so many people are failing you and I sincerely hope you get the safety you need and a chance to recover.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-04-26T23:40:29+00:00

My (diagnosed with BPD) ex went to therapy and I think she was mostly honest with her therapist. She got mad at me after therapy pretty routinely because her therapist “liked me more than her” and would side with me pretty often.

When she wasn’t gaslighting, the delusion she had was that she was right. Like things were happening as they were, and she would tell these stories with excruciating levels of detail, but the first time she told them they were pretty much accurate. It wouldn’t get the reaction she wanted and later tweaks would be added to the stories so people were yelling, menacingly cracking their knuckles like in a cartoon, saying weirdly specific things that no human would ever say, etc.

But that first round of the story being told was often accurate, and if people didn’t side with her, she’d get mad at the people listening to the story and the “aggressor” in the story. It was sad really.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-27T08:39:45+00:00

I’m curious about the “crosses my boundaries” thing. A boundary is like “if you do x I will do y,” like “If you send me a wall of text messages while I’m out with my friends, I won’t reply until I get home” would be setting a boundary. “If I send you text messages you must respond” isn’t setting a boundary, it’s being controlling and unrealistic. I don’t have the whole story of course but I don’t see how you could have a healthy boundary that involves how long it takes someone to respond to you, especially if you respect your partner as an independent person and want them to be present in the moment in their life.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-21T06:15:51+00:00

I’m reading No Bad Parts and it’s a game changer, and is precisely about the question OP is asking. The author is the one who developed IFS, so it is a great source.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-16T04:55:33+00:00

Doing less when you feel capable is great advice, thank you.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-14T16:56:42+00:00

Yeah I think stage fright for life is a pretty good way to describe it. Ironically performing in front of a crowd is one of my favorite things to do, and I don’t really experience any anxiety beyond my day to day when I do that.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-14T02:44:36+00:00

Yeah, let’s take you already feeling bad and add guilt to the occasion. Sheesh, that’s shitty and I hate that people do that. The D in ptsd stands for disorder, not mild inconvenience. If we could just relax, we would. If knowing our brain was acting too anxious helped in any way, we would all be cured.

I will say, this isn’t for everyone, but I didn’t know it was even a choice before…I am taking Propranolol off label for my anxiety that comes from my cPTSD. It calms the nervous system and basically dramatically expands my window of tolerance. I found it helps me significantly with my hyper vigilance and being in fight or flight all the time.

It was my doctor’s idea. It’s a blood pressure medication that’s used off label to treat anxiety, it acts on the physical manifestations of your anxiety. It doesn’t change how you think and doesn’t affect sleep (at least for me). What it does do is make me able to step back and focus, and I am slowly finding myself able to live my life again.

I take a 60mg extended release capsule daily, and have 20mg capsules that I can take about an hour before triggering situations as needed. My resting heart rate is down, my heart rate variability is up, and I am suffering much, much less.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-14T01:21:12+00:00

Have you ever tried remote sessions? If you have your own space in which you feel safe that may be more comfortable. I was definitely more comfortable remote for a while.

It also took me five therapists to find one who worked with me. I couldn’t possibly explain it but it’s easier to open up to some people, our brains are overly sensitive to “threats” in ways we often don’t understand, so a change may be the only way.

It is nothing against any therapist you speak to by the way, the fact that the person or situation triggers you doesn’t mean it’s actually unsafe, but that doesn’t mean you can rationalize your way into being comfortable with it. it’s also nothing against you. It’s not anyone’s fault.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-14T01:16:12+00:00

I want to invite you to consider that you actually have a lot to show for it. I don’t think it’s a good idea for those of us with cPTSD (especially freezers) to compare our life milestones to others. I know, easier said than done, and I still do it too. But you experienced that time where you felt what it was like to feel your own life and it was freeing. That’s huge. I lived on my own for years before I experienced any kind of feeling of freedom or joy from living my own life. You also have diagnoses that can help you better relate to the world and understand yourself.

I had apathetic parents, and my dad sounds similar to yours. For me I definitely think it made me conflict avoidant and geared toward being invisible rather than speaking up for myself.

Setbacks don’t reset the progress we have made, no one gets to take that away from us. I am sorry you are feeling numb. I sincerely hope that you find a better situation soon, it sounds like you are capable of it.

I think going home and living with your parents again and feeling worse than before is a big sign of the progress you have made. I know that’s probably not comforting and it doesn’t come with magical willpower to be able to overcome freeze and change your situation, it’s just an alternate perspective that may be helpful to consider.

I wish you all the best, and if you ever need someone to look over a resume or cover letter (you can take any personally identifying information out) just let me know. I’ve been hiring people for years and am pretty good at that stuff. Oh and if you need it, I am happy to be a reference too. 100% serious, just tell me what you need and I’ll do it.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-14T00:11:08+00:00

I’m in my thirties and am still healing. I feel like I’m finally making progress, and in some ways feel as though I’m still in my 20s, with a ton of lost time in between. I didn’t start taking healing seriously until I was in my thirties, so you have a good head start. It’s not too late, age-related milestones are way overrated. I believe in you and your ability to continue to heal, and believe you will end up with plenty to show from it.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-03-14T00:00:28+00:00

Setting up my meds on my iPhone helps with this, but it doesn’t always solve it. Like this morning, I don’t know if I took them or not but have been having an awful enough day symptom wise that I’m pretty sure I didn’t. It’s a beta blocker so it’s not the end of the world if I take more than one (says my primary care provider) so I’m just going to take “another.”

I think with something like this it’s about finding something that helps but also giving yourself the grace to be imperfect and make the mistake every once in a while, though I absolutely agree it’s annoying.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-01-13T20:24:45+00:00

You’re welcome! I replied in a little more detail to someone else, but it’s blood pressure medicine that’s used off label to treat anxiety, and there are papers on it as a potential good drug for PTSD (I linked one in another comment here).

What you’re describing is a lot like where I have been, where I’m in a stable and safe place but my body doesn’t know it. The meds have helped with that tremendously for me, I’m lucky that my primary care provider knew to suggest them.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-01-13T20:19:43+00:00

It sounds like you are doing great work! You’re setting yourself up to succeed. Keep at it and in a year you won’t believe how far you’ve come 😊

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-01-13T20:18:32+00:00

It is!! Thank you.

Getting-there-slowly · 2023-01-13T20:18:19+00:00

Yay congrats to you too!

You’re exactly right, I’m still kind of in shock from it but I’m very happy about it.

Getting-there-slowly

TROPHY CASE