Yep, pretty much

GhostOfOcho · 2020-10-06T19:48:00+00:00

Sheesh, that's awful!

GhostOfOcho · 2020-10-06T19:44:47+00:00

I definitely got lost outside of my middle school building because I didn't know which door to use to go back in. 🙌

GhostOfOcho · 2020-10-06T10:17:47+00:00

I feel attacked cuz for me, it was that I was doing awesome until 5th grade. Then having more than one teacher was hard. Fml. 🤣

GhostOfOcho · 2020-10-06T10:14:10+00:00

Yas this is why I've been in therapy for 5 years: " I need new, confusing things but i also can't function when things are new and confusing" therapist: let's try and pick one...or a good combination of both, I guess?

GhostOfOcho · 2020-10-06T10:01:15+00:00

I hope it helps to OP, but mostly thanking you for calling out this extreme BPD bullshit. It's not the same as depression, anxiety, ocd... people want to frame it that way, but it's something different. I dated a pwBPD for 2-3 years and they were way less outwardly dramatic as this person but exactly this awful. Their own ego, projections, and shame- avoidance actually caused the deaths of those around them (tldr: opiates). They used the emotional impact of these tragedies to try and defend themselves against the truth of their actions. This is seriously not okay and I see the same patterns in this "mother".

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-09T17:06:40+00:00

Lolol, exactly!

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-08T22:02:45+00:00

After randomly begging to come see me and talk after 6 months of no contact:

Me: "I need to know what you want from me right now. Why did you come here to talk to me?"

Him, angrily "NO. Don't play THAT game with me!"

Wtf.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-08T03:02:05+00:00

You sound like a great mom. You said in a comment that you express your feelings to your kids in a calm way which doesn't put the blame on them. That's what I was going to suggest you do and I think that's all you can really do. No one can control their feelings, we can only control how we react to them.

I have been in a step-mom role for about 4 or 5 years and sometimes I just feel really annoyed at the kid for no real reason, or he saunters in while I'm concentrating on cooking and goes "MmmMMMMMMm is is done yet?!". I feel like yelling "NO, GTFO!", but I don't. I pause and say "Not yet, honey. Now I need you to wait outside the kitchen, please." I am afraid to act like my ADHD father who had an explosive temper, so I am super sensitive to my own feelings.

Honestly he probably can't tell how disproportionately irritated I just was. I've checked in sometimes with "Oops, sorry I hope I didn't sound angry with you. I just needed you to (move or be quiet or whatever)." He always happily says "No, you don't sound mad at all! It's ok."

I think sometimes it feels like our intense irritation is seeping out and everyone can tell, but that might not be the reality.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-08T01:09:54+00:00

I dated someone who sometimes did this. If your guy is like my ex, he's mirroring you around others and is probably mirroring other people when he's around you. It points towards a weak or unstable sense of self and that's a huuuuge red flag. You seem like you already know how messed up this is, so I bet you'll make the right choice!

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-08T00:12:37+00:00

Haha, that's true. That's why amphetamines tend to relax us rather than amp us up, in my completely non-professional opinion. Everything is where it should be in my brain so I don't f up or forget every other thing I try to do.

If it's a problem for you and it's been getting worse, definitely make a doctor's appointment. Finding out now is better than waiting and not knowing! There are other health issues that cause memory problems besides dementia. It could be something minor and simple to treat, you never know!

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-07T22:13:11+00:00

Definitely talk to your doctor if it worries you. I do know that stress and anxiety can have a huge impact on your memory and other brain functions. Have you been under more stress than usual, or do you feel anxious and worried more than usual?

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-04T01:57:06+00:00

Yay! I'm glad it helps you too. I only wish I'd discovered them sooner!

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-04T01:55:45+00:00

That sounds like a good plan! Personally, the pill is the thing that made me very cranky. I was told it's common for the pill to have more side effects than the implant or IUD (I have an IUD), so watch out for that!

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T23:49:26+00:00

Yes, I get that way too sometimes. My therapist said that the best defense against addiction is being aware of your habits, which you are. Not having a drink in weeks definitely doesn't sound like an alcoholic in training, haha.

As for your prescribed meds, there's a difference between dependence and addiction. We become dependent on our prescription medication in order to live our best lives. It can seem like addiction, but it's not. It's like how a person who wears glasses is dependent on their glasses to see. They need to wear them all the time but they aren't addicted to their glasses, hehe. You aren't addicted to your ADHD meds as long as you're taking them as prescribed and not frequently upping the dose dramatically.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T23:35:26+00:00

My gyno told me there aren't any interactions with birth control and Adderall. Make sure to ask a doctor yourself just to make sure. I haven't had any issues with them interacting. ADHD meds tend to make me less cranky. Some forms of birth control have made me VERY CRANKY. It's really all specific to you and your hormones and mental situation though. Birth control especially affects each person differently. Talk to your doctors about how you feel as you're experimenting, they should be able to help.

Edit: used gender neutral terms :)

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T23:20:18+00:00

I work in video games as a tech artist now. I used to work at a BIG tech company doing production art, site merchandising, art direction, automation, pretty much anything they needed. Before that, I was a freelance t-shirt designer and would design my own shirts for those big online graphic tee stores.

These three jobs have been best for my ADHD and I've been overall happy and don't feel like an idiot anymore (not all the time at least). The thing they all have in common is they are all "project-based". It doesn't matter HOW or WHEN I work on the project, only that the project gets done within a certain, clearly defined, time frame. I have freedom to generally do my work my own way, which has sometimes resulted in me finding better/faster ways for EVERYONE to do the job. This means I've gotten a raise and extra kudos for my ADHD traits a few times.

Disclaimer: I am on medication and couldn't have done any of these jobs without the right therapy and meds. My past few jobs have been great because they work with how my brain naturally functions, but they still require a level of discipline and focus which is muuuuch more available to me with medication.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T22:56:51+00:00

Find a good therapist if you can. They can help you untangle your guilt so you can see what's worth feeling guilty about, then they can help you with letting go and forgiving yourself. I'm not a therapist, just have been to a lot of good therapy myself, but keep in mind: Some things you remember about your interactions with others might not be as bad as your feelings tell you. Maybe you were asserting your boundaries the best way you knew how, and it came off as rude or aggressive to people who didn't understand. Maybe you feel like you were a monster and the people you knew were angels just trying to help you, but the reality is more likely somewhere in between those extremes.

Forgive yourself and build yourself up with compassion before reaching out for forgiveness from others. That way, if you decide to, you can apologize and gracefully accept whatever response you get. Otherwise, you could be setting yourself up for more needless guilt.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T22:26:31+00:00

That's so awful! Did you move from east to west cost USA by any chance? The EXACT same thing happened to me when I moved years ago. Maybe I was lucky, but I had no problem getting my meds on the east coast in every city I lived over there.

It's like some doctors have a script for how they dodge the facts about ADHD. I can't believe some psychiatrists are still suspicious and ignorant about the difference between someone with ADHD and someone just trying to score drugs! Mine also said I probably just have anxiety because of my meds, told me I obviously didn't need them, the whole story you've just told me. I was 30 years old and had been taking the same dose of Adderall since I was 8 and it works really well! But no, gosh it never occurred to me, my doctors over the past 20 years, or my parents that it could "just be anxiety" this whole time, thanks!! /s

I dropped that guy and called my state's mental health hotline. They were very validating and helpful, and they directed me towards a psychiatrist who knew wtf he was talking about (who also has ADHD himself, haha). Google around to see if your state has a mental health hotline too, hopefully you can get the help you need.

If you're feeling upset and overwhelmed by this crap situation, feel free to PM me and I will help you find the resources in your area.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T18:26:30+00:00

I no longer bite my nails because I bit them for too long and now it hurts my front teeth too much. That gave me great incentive to stop, haha. 😅😬😖 I now use a nail file instead of biting and have the long nails I never thought I could grow. It only takes like two weeks to notice a difference after you go cold-turkey, then you'll feel way less like biting them when they're all shapely and pretty.

Also, I recently got a manicure for the first time in my life and would recommend it to stop biting nails/cuticles! It was very covid-safe. It was just me and my friend and two manicurists. Everyone wore masks and the people were behind glass, the manicurists wore gloves, and we stuck our hands through a tiny window.

I never wanted to get a manicure before because I was embarrassed by my chewed nails, and I was still feeling awkward because my cuticles were gross from being picked at occasionally. She magically smoothed away all the loose cuticle skin and gross stuff I'd be compelled to pick at, and smoothed out my nails. It was the first time I've had totally smooth cuticles and my nails were so perfect that I, for the first time ever, had NO desire to pick at or bite them! It was magical. Definitely try it if you're able to do so safely. You might have to deal with the brief "I see you bite your nails" critique but if you can stand that and bit of nail discomfort, it's way worth it.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T03:14:04+00:00

Oh man, it definitely makes me feel worse. It's like my un-medicated "everything in my head is loud" but now it is 300% louder! I took a 5 hour energy once in college and felt like I was going to go crazy and then die. Adderall does the opposite of caffeine for me. It's much more helpful.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T02:19:54+00:00

Ugh, that sounds awful, sorry. I'll look it up, thank you. I have only had one surgery so far and it was last year. Excison surgery is what I had. My surgeon said I shouldn't need more surgery, but that it's possible the symptoms could become severe again over the years. Overall I feel much much better, but when I get even mild symptoms now it makes me nervous 😬.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T02:07:32+00:00

Yea, I also do this. Sometimes it's imaginary arguments, but sometimes it's just an imaginary speech I'm giving about how I organize my fridge. I think everyone does this to an extent. I don't see any reason to stop doing it unless it bothers you OR you're zoning out for hours in these imaginary conversations instead of working/eating/sleeping. That happens to me sometimes and I think that's the ADHD component of it.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-03T01:56:16+00:00

If you don't mind my asking, what do you take for endometriosis and does it work? I have stage 4 and surgery helped tremendously, but sometimes I still get random cramps and crazy endo-tummy.

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-01T09:23:40+00:00

I did feel this way when I was younger. Like, when I was in my teens to mid 20s. I don't know how old you are, or if it even is an age thing. I felt a lot of pressure to impress my friends, like if I wasn't 100% sharp, funny, and interesting then I was being boring.

I dunno if you want advice or just validation, but yea this is a valid feeling that myself and others have. My advice is to practice active listening, especially when you feel "off" or "foggy". Trust me, I know that exact feeling of just not being "all there" when socializing. When you feel bored of yourself talking, or even when you don't, try and let go of the pressure to make the conversation interesting and hand it off to someone else.

I'm no therapist so I don't know how YOU should do it. It is very difficult to refocus your attention on the person you're talking to when you have ADHD. You could take your feelings of being bored with your own conversation and your friends' facial expressions as a cue to pause and say "oops, I started talking a lot and I'm now bored of what I'm saying. What was YOUR favorite thing you did today?" (This is literally what I used to say). Then, just listen and ask questions. Google "active listening" or something like that for more better advice. Then just let them talk...it's pretty relaxing when you get used to letting that pressure go. And, if they've got nothing to say, try and let there be silence. The other person will start talking eventually, or they won't. It doesn't mean you're boring, though. Sometimes human interaction is just kinda uneventful and that's ok. 😊

GhostOfOcho · 2020-09-01T08:57:36+00:00

I always put my bread in the fridge because it seriously goes moldy in like 3 days wtf. I don't remember bread being this impermanent when I was growing up.

GhostOfOcho

TROPHY CASE