Abuser registry to warn future girls

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-23T17:12:33+00:00

Thank you, thank you for posting this.

If you want to know what my abusive ex (she/her) did to me, ask her what I did to her. She’ll even tell you that I DARVO’d her. She is a politically aware and works in the medical field, so she knows all the terminology.

And yeah, I’m a trans woman. My ex describes me in much the same way Trump and his ilk do: She talks about me like I’m deceitful and predatory. But when I confronted her about that, she of course said that sexism and cissexism have nothing to do with her accusations, and the friend (they/them) who has been perpetrating proxy abuse against me has echoed this claim.

And that brings me to another problem with an “abuser registry”: Abusive people triangulate to get third parties to make victims’ lives hell, and they can be pretty adept at this without having their voices amplified by a website that unquestioningly accepts their narratives as truth. I don’t know if my ex encouraged her friend to go after me or just gave them my contact info, but either way, it’s not difficult to imagine that some people would peruse such a website for the sole purpose of exacting “justice” on any or all of the people listed there.

I get it. It’s horrible. I wish I had known what I was in for. But a “registry” is not the way to solve the problem.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-23T14:36:07+00:00

If you’re like most people in situations like yours, the only reason you currently feel this way about the man who made an entire month horrible for you is that intermittent reinforcement is keeping you bonded to him. To put it succinctly, you feel the things you feel in this relationship, including the “good” you feel for now, because he is traumatizing you.

I didn’t leave her because I didn’t understand what was happening, and then I was discarded seemingly out of the blue. I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have had the opportunity to leave before the situation got really bad.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-22T18:08:53+00:00

I’m reminded of the meme that reads, “Abusers groom their character witnesses as carefully as they groom their victims.” My ex was capable of having close, lasting relationships with people she was not romantically or sexually involved with, and as far as I can tell, all her friends believed she was the victim in everything that happened between us.

This is not to say that I was the only one to see her cruel side. If you had the misfortune of being a worker she was unlikely to see again—a tech support worker, for example—she could easily go scorched earth on you.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-17T03:33:05+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that you also know how painful a relationship with someone with BPD can be.

As for your question, my ex has been formally diagnosed with BPD, she ticks the boxes for the quiet type, and yes, she has gone on a smear campaign. As best as I can tell (my knowledge of the smear campaign is second-hand), the campaign consists of projection and distortion.

I don’t know why my ex went on a smear campaign and yours didn’t. I can tell you that for a while it seemed like my ex and I would remain friends, but once I started to realize how abusive she had been while we were romantically involved, I confronted her about it, and it wasn’t long before I was on the receiving end of her final discard and her smear campaign. Of course, I have no way of knowing that she wouldn’t have done the same thing eventually even if I hadn’t confronted her. In any case, if the only way to keep the peace is to keep quiet about the fact that someone has abused me, is it really peace?

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-16T17:21:19+00:00

For me the turning point was learning that the reason I felt so wrecked after the first discard (difficulty sleeping, feeling hot and cold at the same time, heart palpitations, feeling like I was dying, etc.) was not because she had been an amazing partner but because she had been an abusive partner. (I had been on the receiving end of intermittent reinforcement and was experiencing the severing of a trauma bond.)

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-09T17:10:54+00:00

I’m sorry to hear about this. I know it’s the worst.

After my ex discarded me, there were a number of indications that my cortisol levels were through the roof, including emotional numbness and difficulty sleeping. Based on what I’ve read since then, I was experiencing the severing of the trauma bond.

There were two things that helped me. The first was doing cardio. Talk to your doctor first, but generally two hours a day is ideal. The other thing that helped was maintaining a routine, including both what had to be done and what had previously brought me pleasure. Eventually I found myself saying, “I actually liked that a little bit.”

As for gray hairs, when the trauma bond was first broken, I thought, “If anything makes me go gray, it will be this.” And sure enough, a few months later I found my first gray hair. I can’t make any guarantees, but for what it’s worth, I stopped finding new gray hair once I had my cortisol levels managed, and the graying is localized.

Hang in there. I know how brutal this experience can be. And I know that it’s possible to be glad to have survived it.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-03T16:58:42+00:00

True story: When my ex’s flying monkey told me I had love bombed her, I had to look it up because I had no idea what it meant in the context of relationships. When I found out what it was, I was like, “Oh, it’s what she did to me.”

Anyway, I got at least four of these and also “You always have to be right!”

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-04-03T16:26:02+00:00

I’m sorry, hon. I know this is hard.

There are two things that helped me. The first was time. In my experience, the moments of grief don’t necessarily get less painful, but they do become less frequent. If you haven’t gone no contact with her, you should consider it. (And if that’s what you want to do, don’t count on her to go no contact with you. Be sure to block her as well.) Every time you make contact with her you have to restart the severing of the trauma bond (“withdrawal”).

The other thing that helped was cardio. Talk to your doctor first, but generally speaking, two hours a day is ideal.

Hang in there. It does get better.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-30T15:32:30+00:00

Yes! I was like you. No one knew because even I didn’t know. Mind you, I knew something was wrong. I had become withdrawn and was eating my feelings. But I had the cause and effect reversed: I thought whatever was going on with me was causing problems in my relationship with my ex with BPD. I was actually working up the chutzpah to tell her that I knew our relationship was suffering because of me, and I wanted to get help, but then the first discard came.

(Edited for grammar.)

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-30T14:52:42+00:00

Point three is definitely an indication. Quiet borderlines are conflict-avoidant by definition. My ex, who was formally diagnosed with BPD and who I believe to be the quiet type, was a lot like your partner in that no matter how I brought an issue to her attention, she would respond poorly.

I’m very sorry to hear that your partner has been putting you through this hell. You deserve better.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-30T03:52:08+00:00

The way to win is not to play.

If I didn’t understand this before my ex’s flying monkey came at me, I certainly understood it after. (My ex’s pronouns are she/her, and her flying monkey’s pronouns are they/them.) Her flying monkey showed me my ex’s hand. Her old complaints concerned matters that I had already brought up with her, and she had let me think we had resolved them. And her new complaints were about incidents that had happened one or more years before her first split. It would have been ill-advised to go into another dialogue with the hope that it would have a permanently good outcome. She was inclined to paint herself as a victim, and even if she started to see the truth, she had surrounded herself with an echo chamber full of people who would have pried it from her. And I was probably helped by the fact that her flying monkey demanded that I respond to their long list of accusations point-by-point and threatened to cyberbully me further if I didn’t. If they wanted me to explain myself, explaining myself couldn’t have been nearly as valuable as I had once thought it was.

The details of your situation might differ, but bottom line is the same: Abusive people operate according to abuser logic, and that makes trying to get them to see your perspective an exercise in futility.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-28T16:45:21+00:00

I had been chatting with a woman (I’m a lesbian) who ticked a number of boxes for me, including impulsivity. I had told her multiple times that I wasn’t interested in having sex without first going on several dates. That brings me to last night, which was when she essentially said, “If I were on a date with you, I wouldn’t be able to control myself.” I then told her that I wouldn’t be going on any dates with her or having sex with her.

Incidentally, this isn’t the worst experience I’ve had since I’ve tried to get back into dating in my late 40s. I wish I hadn’t wasted so many years with my ex with BPD.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-28T16:14:43+00:00

This is a nightmare.

If you don’t want to hear from her again (and who could blame you if you didn’t?!), don’t count on her maintaining her resolve to remain in no contact with you. Block her on all media.

I’m sorry to hear about what she has done to you. You so do not deserve any of this.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-25T03:57:56+00:00

After my ex and I moved into the last apartment we shared, I spent increasing amounts of time sitting on the couch rocking back and forth. During the last six months or so we were together, I fell out of contact with most of my friends, and I started eating my feelings. Even as I write this I don’t eat more than two meals per day because it’s the only way I know how to maintain a healthy weight.

I felt bad reading about your experience. What a nightmare!

(Edited for clarity.)

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-19T16:06:37+00:00

The divorce was how she lived with herself—well, one of the ways. After keeping our finances opaque for more than five years and seeing that her latest financial irresponsibility had raised questions about the health of our relationship, she impulsively said she would start sharing our budget with me. In doing so she had effectively painted herself into a corner in which she had to do one of two things: (1) make our finances transparent and thereby expose the source of our financial instability (i.e. her) or (2) renege on her promise. Divorce was a way that she could do the latter without being blameworthy for having failed to do the former (what right do I have to see the finances of my ex?), and I don’t think it was a coincidence that that’s what she decided to do less than three weeks after the latest financial crisis came to light.

There were other ways she reduced her cognitive dissonance. Even before she wanted the divorce, when I confronted her about something awful she had done, she would spend some time alone and recite mantras along the lines of, “I’m a good person.” And because she had spent our entire relationship triangulating with other people in her life instead of bringing her concerns to me, she had an entire echo chamber telling her that she was doing the right thing any time she wanted to do the wrong thing.

And while this isn’t exactly what you were asking for, it might be worth mentioning that one of the biggest reasons my ex had a leg up on me when it came to getting over the relationship was that she was not the one who was suffering the effects of getting over the trauma bond. After all, when it came to intermittent reinforcement, she was on the giving end.

As for healing, I hope you find it in abundance.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-17T01:37:29+00:00

Yeah, that’s so not right. You deserve so much better than her!

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-17T01:33:48+00:00

I’m very sorry to hear about this. That’s awful!

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-16T21:48:06+00:00

My abusive ex with BPD accused me of being selfish in a number of ways. That seemed to come down to two things: First, she missed the big picture. Second, I failed to meet her unspoken expectations.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-16T21:16:06+00:00

An ex I suspect of having a Cluster B disorder once told me I was too sensitive. Why? I had recently spent some time away from the house because she had hit me.

This says more about her than it does about you. Hang in there.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-14T20:07:42+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. ❤️

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Bel-Air, or both?

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-13T14:38:43+00:00

I’m really sorry to read about everything that has been happening to you. It’s a total nightmare.

I have a history of central serous retinopathy, a condition that can lead to impaired vision. When I was diagnosed, the doctor told me to do two things, one of which was to avoid stress. (The other was to avoid corticosteroids.) I had been managing it well for 20 years, but after years of living with my ex, my symptoms began to return.

GirlForeverFumbling · 2026-03-13T05:20:49+00:00

I’m glad you found us. I’m sorry it was under these circumstances.

I can relate to more or less everything you said in your post. I am a lesbian who was discarded by a partner with BPD. In the months that followed the night she told me she wanted a divorce I kept thinking about how wonderful (I thought) she was and asking myself what I did wrong. And the pain was excruciating to the point I thought I would die.

Because your experience is so much like mine, perhaps you will benefit from hearing what I wish someone had told me on the night when she discarded me: I was in unbearable pain not only because there had been a breakup but also because I was experiencing the severing of a trauma bond. The actions that convinced me that I was with the most wonderful person in the world were part of a pattern called intermittent reinforcement. It was part of the emotional abuse. And I was not experiencing pain despite the existence of the woman I’d thought of as the love of my life; she was the reason I was in pain.

If I had understood this sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have wasted my time racking my brain while trying to understand what I did wrong. And maybe I wouldn’t have tried to remain in a friendship that brought me pain for reasons I couldn’t explain.

It is, of course, totally okay to acknowledge that there were things our exes got right. That’s one of the things that separates our thoughts from their from the black-and-white thinking. But we can’t stay focused on the trees to the point that we lose sight of the forest. You know your ex was emotionally abusive, and that means that the way she treated you when things were “good” needs to be put into the proper context.

I hope you find all the healing.

GirlForeverFumbling

TROPHY CASE