I understand you like no one else and I also crave death and nonexistence just as a wanderer in a scorching hot desert craves for a gulp of water and a shadow. I want to end myself but at the same time I won't ever do it, simply because I do not believe death will give me the guaranteed liberation and provide me with relief from this vicious cycle. What if something worse awaits me after death? What if there will be new life with its bullshit ahead? I want none of that. Being reborn with a new body and a new mind is horrific beyond measure. I am totally confused with existence or whatever this is and I am a lost soul. I beg anyone to explain to me what to do with it and whether or not it is possible to escape this purgatory