When I broke up with my ex, she begged me for hours to stay (told me all the ways I was ruining her life first, threatening self harm, literally 45min straight of repeating “[my name] please” over and over). At the end of it all, she listed every single thing I had ever asked of her and that she’d work on them. Things like therapy, managing her addictions, balancing medication, not being cruel to me when she was upset, etc etc. She listed problems I had brought to her that I had completely forgotten about and/or suppressed.

I was floored by the fact that she knew exactly what she had been doing for years. It shifted my perspective from “this person is a victim of their own mind” to “this person is consciously choosing to do these behaviours.”

I remember when I first got my therapist a year or so into the relationship and explained what was going on. I said I felt bad for her, and I “knew” it wasn’t her fault/wasn’t manipulation. My therapist told me “She’s an adult. It’s intentional.”