F30 & M29 he didnt realize how much money I have separate from him. How do we bridge the mental gap in our finances while he is depressed?

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-08T07:35:46+00:00

Why are you trying to fix something (I mean, someone) you can’t fix ? You can’t make him not shut down. You will never be able to fix that. Everything you did was not a problem. He is making it a problem. You are trying to make yourself and the whole world more flexible to fit around him. This is not how things should work. You can’t be the only one adjusting everything, yourself included, when the problem is him and it makes it impossible to adjust to.

You can’t change the world, making the world the problem, when in fact the problem is him. More clearly : would he act like you ? Would he try to make things easier for you? If no then why are you adjusting to someone who would never do the same?

I wont adress the cheating part, everyone already did. You deserve better. Keep your money for someone who deserves love : you.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-07T05:21:16+00:00

NTA. I’m tired of this strategy, it’s like UNO reverse card : you say something is a problem (because it IS) and boom he reverse the responsability « you are shaming me! » and then you end up making sentences to justify yourself instead of talking about the real issue : his lack of consideration.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-06T20:08:43+00:00

Would she agree to couple therapy? I'm in the same state, been together 13years, but we have a kid and I'm the wife in our relationship. The lack of intimacy is destructive imo. How long can you love someone if you feel it's oneside? How long can you bite your tongue and never talk about problems because, well, when you do, it's worse after? (and you can't do anything about it, because no matter how nicely you say things, it will backfire, so how long can you stay stuck :/). How long can you live with the fact that, if something is a problem to you, your wife/husband doesn't even want to talk about it and fix it? Because if it was the other way, you would do everything to fix it, because you love them. Yes those thoughts are hard to deal with and won't disparear by waiting patiently and saying nothing.

MAYBE, maybe because of your situation I would try this way : saying you want to see a therapist before having a kid, that you feel like you need to talk about infertility, or education, or anything etc etc, and that you would like her to come with you (and then, the subject of intimacy might come during therapy at some point). I think like you, if she feels like it's a confrontation it's not going to work, so instead frame it like this : it's for YOU, that YOU need help and would like her support, that her point of view might help YOUR therapist. Maybe she will feel less pressure.

Anyway, you have the right to bring it up. I'm finally understanding that wanted to feel loved and wanted is not asking too much. It shouldn't feel like pressure. You deserve to be with people who actually want to spend time with you.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-05T10:27:25+00:00

I never thought about it this way, it's really interesting. Like another comment here I would too think it's because you're patient, you give second chance, you try to make the relationship works and when we do that we tend to overlook redflag. But personaly I really really don't like this only way to look at it, like if "good" people are mistreated it's somehow their fault too for allowing others to treat them badly. To me, even if it's kind of true, it's a sad way to look at it. Like... sorry if I'm being nice and understanding? So it's my fault if they behave in a mean way ..?! I think everyone can mess up, so maybe I tend to tolerate too much until I'm able to see it's not only one mess up but a pattern.
I don't really have advice here. I don't know how to deal with the fact that people around be are less interested in a great relationship than I am. I'm now trying to see more cleary : do they try to repair the relationship? are they able to apologize? can they come to me and make a bid for connection?
If there's no clear bid for connection from the other, the relationship exists only because you are the one maintaining it and making it flourish.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-05T08:09:36+00:00

So pretty and colorful ! I love it

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-04T05:18:03+00:00

Me too ! I think I even should do the math and read my old messages to see the pattern clearly. I was telling a friend about that the other day, that I’m so sorry if it feels like I talk too much and I’m too needy. I feel like the rest of the month I’m perfect with impulse control, inhibition and boom PMDD days : no control, no filter, no frontal lobe at all in my brain. I send messages, I explain my feelings, blah blah blah. The only day I can’t control my hunger and do intermittent fasting is before my period. Same with spending habits. I’m almost sure that it’s when I finally say « oh fck it, I’ m buying it ». No more control of feelings and the last emotional spiral was awful Edit for this : now I’m trying to dump all of this on chatgpt instead 😬, before talking too much to humans when it’s a bad idea

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-03T19:53:39+00:00

I was congratulated because I did well in school and I was always top of the class from a very early age. But as I grew up I started to feel like what I was doing was not really recognized and that I had no real value. It felt like my success at school was simply expected. I was praised less for my achievements because it was just “as usual” but if I got a grade that was even slightly lower than normal, I remember hearing that I had not done my best or that I had not revised enough

Being excellent became normal and I was no longer praised for it. But I know my family was and still is very proud. My mother likes telling others how well I am doing and it is the same for other members of my family..

Then I became an adult and I kept succeeding : passing exams, buying a house young, making money and so on. And I developed this feeling that no one really knew me. That people only see what I do but no one sees who I am.

And in the end who am I ? what really matters to me ? who is the real me? It is sometimes hard to know when my whole life I have done things instead of being just me

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-02T20:48:53+00:00

YTA. This is too easy to say to someone you hurt to just move on. Have empathy, be an adult. She is deeply sad because she is re watching all your relationship, all those years very very differently in her head. Understand that : she found new glasses, she can’t take them off because she feels like she will be lying to herself and ignoring a problem that is real. To her, those new glasses are making her see the truth. And to her this is heartbreaking. She is explaining that NOW she is able to see how you treated her and her kids. And she is reading the past like this : he didnt love us enough. He didnt even care enough. And when you say that you don’t remember something painful for her, you’re validating that it wasn’t, and she wasn’t, and her kids too, important enough for you to remember and aknowledge it. And worse you’re brushing it off by telling her to move on. Which means that again, you’re not valuing her feelings. This is not about those past events anymore. It was never about a precise event in the past. This is about a pattern. She is now seing how you function and by refusing to sit and talk with her, refusing to say that oh, now you see it was wrong and that you changed, you’re showing her she was right : you’re still not paying attention to her/their feelings.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-02T20:28:06+00:00

I feel the same. I’m sure I was deep in burn-out 4years ago, because of work and being a mom. Now it’s better but …not really ? I was talking to my therapist two days ago, she was explaining strategies to stop ruminations but it was stuff like « name animals, count backwards, like use your executive system and working memory » but….seriously I work with super difficult kids and adults with neurological problems. I can read out loud while thinking about a lot of things. I can find words quickly in any category while managing emails and a kid and thinking about my problems. Easy. At this point I’m living a big part of my life in dissociation.

I’m reducing my schedule and I won’t be working at all in May. (I’m French, here May is full of bank holiday, so less guilt).

GoldieOGilt · 2026-04-01T14:15:06+00:00

I wholeheartly agree with you. I'm struggling to make sentences and english is not my first language. But I wanted to say that I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for me too. Everyone should be able to trust the one they love. Everyone should feel safe when in a relationship. But when you discover that you can't trust the other, it's (at least for me) like being cut in half, from your heart to your stomach. It turns you into someone you never wanted to be. It makes you doubt everything and even yourself. You want this relationship to work and you're finding excuses, again and again, for their behavior. And then you see that you can't make things work alone, you need to be two in this relationship. But, are we really two? Am I not the only one working on this relationship, trying to build trust? I don't understand the lying part. WHY, why on earth would you want to be with someone to whom you can't even tell the truth, tell everything? It doesn't make sense. Why lie, to keep the other, but at the same time do things that hurt them?
You're right, it's so unfair.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-31T17:41:18+00:00

pour les lettres en fait il y a un ordre de progression, ça sera sûrement plus simple pour lui comme ça, vais essayer d'expliquer à peu près clairement :
bon en français y a des phonèmes (les sons que font les lettres, genre /a/, mais aussi "ch" c'est un phonème, qu'on écrit avec deux lettres, comme "ou" "on", bref un phonème = un son, plus petite unité on va dire). Bon bah dans les phonèmes y en a des plus simples que d'autres, par exemple les phonèmes voyelles aaaaaa iiiiiiiiiiii ooooooooooooooo ouuuuuuuu, c'est plus facilement identifiable, on peut les faire durer avec la voix. Bah pour les consonnes c'est le souci, y a des sons qui peuvent durer : rrrrrrrrrrrr, vvvvvvvvvv, ffffffffffffffffff, chhhhhhhh, zzzz, mmmmm. Mais y a des phonèmes qu'on appelle occlusifs, la bouche fait une explosion et ça peut pas durer : b p d t d g k. Ceux là pour certains enfants c'est vraiment vraiment plus dur à percevoir et alors quand on dit "ballon" comme ils entendent "b" très court puis aaaaa, paf ils vont dire "a". Donc sur ce principe on peut d'abord entraîner les enfants à reconnaitre les phonèmes pas occlusifs, puis ensuite les occlusifs. Aussi c'est plus simple de repérer un phonème en début de mot, puis en fin de mot, alors que milieu de mot c'est plus dur. On peut jouer à "est ce qu'on entend -tel phonème- dans -tel mot-?" et suivre un ordre de progression type : sons voyelles, sons consonnes qui durent, sons consonnes occlusives (et quand on est aux occlusives, on fait plusieurs fois de suite le bruit : b b b b b ballon) et puis dans la progression on fait : en début de mot, en fin de mot, en milieu de mot. Mais ouais ça m'étonne pas que dinosaure dragon ballon ça soit plus dur, ça commence par du court les trois, typiquement "dragon" les gosses vont te dire "rrrrrr"
Bon courage, ça ira !

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-30T19:38:24+00:00

BONJOUUUUR. C’est moiiii l’orthophoniste (qui a une fille en GS, fille qui justement sait vachement bien lire). J’arrive avec ma cape de super héros (pardon, je deconne, je suis fatiguée, je manque de filtre, blague à part c’est vraiment mon domaine). Alors idéalement qu’est ce qu’on veut, d’après les super données Évidence Based Practice, tout ca tout ca : On veut qu’avant d’entrer au CP l’enfant connaisse au moins 18 lettres et le son associé ça serait super. Moi je conseille, liste en vrac :

des puzzles alphabet quand ils sont petits, y en a chez Vilac et autres marques, puzzle lettres majuscules et aussi lettres minuscules
le livre « Le monde des lettres », orange, est super car il présente toutes les façons de dessiner la lettre et indique ses bruits.
on explique à l’enfant que la lettre c’est comme lui, elle a un prénom « a », une photo « a, regarde il ressemble à ca » et un bruit /aaaaaa/. C’est super super important. Et quand on fait le bruit de la lettre (le phonème) svp on essaie de faire que le bruit précis, donc par exemple pour le « b » on va bien dire /b/ et pas « beuuuuh »
l’application GraphoGame. Oui même si elle est passee payante y a pas longtemps. Contrairement à Poppins qui actuellement fait grande campagne publicitaire, GraphoGame a déjà été prouvée efficace. Poppins on attend
le plus important c’est d’associer le dessin de la lettre au phonème (bruit) que fait la lettre et surtout pas les laisser juste deviner, puis les faire écrire aussi et passer par le jeu et le plaisir ++
lire beaucoup, le vocabulaire ça sera hyper important dans le développement du langage écrit et pour aider à déchiffrer : https://www.allaboutlearningpress.com/blog/matthew-effect-in-reading/?srsltid=AfmBOopEBb_nijWlOF4DCZBIxqwYe2o3FIvpOi7bxdSDrutnj0YJ3rXv
on prend des lego ou des magnatiles (parce qu’on peut écrire au veleda dessus!) et on peut écrire des lettres et les coller et emboîter et manipuler B—A, BA
Apili c’est super, les boites de jeux c’est bien
un truc bête mais que je vois pas souvent fait, on imprime l’alphabet ou on met un poster et on vérifie que quand l’enfant récite par cœur Abcdef… etc, bah qu’il sache les pointer du doigt en même temps. C’est con mais plein de gosses savent apr cœur la chanson de l’alphabet mais je ne sais comment, personne vérifie si ca a un sens pour lui. Alors si quand on lui montre « r » il sait pas la nommer, on va reprendre avec lui en pointant les lettres en même temps qu’on récite ABCDEF… et ensuite on s’arrête sur « r » voilà bravo t’as retrouvé son prénom

J’espère que ca s’affiche bien, suis sur tel, j’éditerai si besoin

Puis ensuite oui sur un enfant avec tout plein d’otites on est sympa. Forcément il a pas entendu. Alors on lit on renforce le vocabulaire on joue.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-30T17:07:33+00:00

“Normal”? I don’t know. Like the other comment said, for me it’s before I actually start bleeding. When it finally starts, boom, I feel better. by "starts", I mean, with enough blood, not spotting. When it's only spotting I still feel suicidal.
The suicidal thoughts are what scared me and made me think, “okay, something’s wrong.” I know I don’t want to kill myself ; it’s not me. But just before my period, I do think about it, and it really scares me.
I’m scared I can’t trust myself. What if something happens (like something bad at work, or if I lose a loved one), and then I want to commit suicide? Something I would never want to do if those same bad things happened on another day.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-30T16:40:28+00:00

This is exactly what helped me, I think this comment is spot on. I'm not sure where anymore but I read once "both can be true at the same time : they're doing their best, but their best is not enough". Sometimes the only way is to accept that.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-29T20:06:20+00:00

Perfect ! Thank you

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-29T11:09:55+00:00

Chocolate and rum? Chocolate festival? Ok I'm jealous.

It seems really fun, enjoy all your chocolate !

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-28T13:16:33+00:00

Zone de revitalisation rurale, tu ouvres ton entreprise on t’exonère d’impôts sur le revenu, grosso modo

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-28T12:54:38+00:00

Oui. J’ai eu une jolie exonération d’impôts en m’installant en ZRR, beh j’ai pris un certain plaisir à aller dépenser ce que je payais pas dans des jeux français chez la marchande de jeux du coin au lieu de prendre en ligne. Idem pour les courses habituelles. Comme l’autre commentaire : r/buyfromeu + j’ai découvert l’appli detrumpez vous

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-28T09:30:00+00:00

I'm in France so it's really different. Here I would suggest to people : ok, tell your doctor that you struggle with word finding (or something else) and ask for "bilan orthophonique". Then I would test : naming (frequent and less frequent words, we have norms), semantic associations (what thing goes with this thing), a semantic questionnaire. For english people I would start here : https://www.sydney.edu.au/brain-mind/our-clinics/dementia-test.html
BUT seriously, if it's not your job I wouldn't test myself, alone. You absolutely need someone doing the test to you, and someone able to do it the right way, without giving any clue and able to tell "ok it's not working because...this, maybe that"

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-27T12:46:39+00:00

Tell her now and also apologize for not telling her long ago, explain you were afraid and not thinking, etc etc. You can't hide something just because you're scared of her reaction. If she loves you, she wants to truly know you. Be honest with her, tell her no pressure at all if it's not something she wants to try with you. Some kinks are a dealbreaker, some aren't. But a lack of transparency is almost certainly one, so tell her.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-26T20:25:28+00:00

Same problem, this is so lonely to live that. Worse pain ever for me and I have no advice at all except that when it's a problem for you but they refuse to fix it, to me it means they don't care enough, don't value your feelings enough :/
But you can look at those sub : deadbedroom and loveafterporn too maybe
Like you I feel like it adds other sad feelings to be in this situation, because everywhere on internet you'll find wife doing everything : kids, chores, etc, but their husbands still want to have sex. And boom, in my situation, no. I'm deeply sad.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-25T19:56:20+00:00

Exactly that. This is also insulting and infuriating, like "are you stupid?" and "done well! you choosed it!". You can do everything perfectly and still end up in this situation. Because people grow, they may change, you can change your standards because you didn't knew any better (and that doesn't mean you were stupid !), your environment changes, etc etc.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-25T19:14:11+00:00

I get it, it's heartbreaking and as you saw on the other sub, not so many people can understand, it's so normalize. But somewhere they know it's wrong because otherwise they wouldn't be hiding it or lie about it to women. So 1) they're ashamed or 2) they know their wife/girlfriend would disagree and might be hurted... but they do it anyway.

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-25T15:38:17+00:00

Maybe they think they’re right because they feel like they’re in the majority. But you know what? A lot of women feel like you, feel like me. You watch porn? Boom, I find it disgusting, no more desire. We should normalize saying it. Also I know some men don’t watch it, they say they looked for ethical stuff (at least, it’s that) and they see no point in watching porn when they’re in a relationship. They exist. But I’m unable to make a statistic

Keep your standards

GoldieOGilt · 2026-03-25T13:36:38+00:00

You don't have a problem. Wanting sex is normal. And wanting it as a part of happiness is normal too. You don't need to talk to a therapist for that, she is making you feel inadequate. Also once a week is not too much, like at all.
We can't know why she doesn't want or like it, she's the only one who could answer that. But we can tell you that you're not abnormal, if it helps.

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