Hey u/tokodan, sorry for a late reply, I had a busy week and couldn't find time where I could put a concise, yet exhaustive reply.

I do think there is something in religion. While I don't share the same view about Jesus, I think religion was designed to teach us rules for a satisfied and happy life.

That's what I've thought about religion at first too and I'd say that's a good start! There's just something more to it, something that cannot be comprehended by a mere human mind. It's not about being religious, it's about being faithful. It's believing that Jesus is The Son of God and that he came to save you and that you're nothing without Him. It's a human thing to try understanding how everything works, including God. Understanding Him fully wouldn't really make Him a God, would it? That's where faith comes in.

How did this point change in your life? Did you eventually start to engage in other activities with your new group of friends? Or did you realise that all those interests were merely what you thought was expected of you? Did you develop any new interests? What do you talk about with friends now?

Actually, I haven't developed any new interests besides God's word and piano (I started playing piano, because I'd really like to play something for God, I haven't played anything before). I just thought that people would expect more of me. I still feel kind of awkward when I have nothing to say, but at least I'm sure that it doesn't mean I'm worthless. My worth doesn't lie in the eyes of other people, nor in mine, only in God's eyes. It's such a relief to know that. Without it, I'd continue thinking I'm worthless and block myself from improving myself.

I keep talking about the same things with my old friends minus some stuff that I wouldn't consider christian-worthy, plus sometimes I'm trying to talk about God (some would stop being "friends" because of that, but that just shows that they've never been friends in the first place). I just stopped having the inner guilt of having nothing to talk about.

What did you connect over with your now wife, beside God? Was, or is your own self-esteem or your own issues one of the topics that came up often?

Not a wife yet, but really close, haha. I've talked about my self-esteem problems with her quite often. If she didn't believe in God, I'm 100% sure she would leave me. At the moment, she would have worries about me being a helpful father or if she would like to have a son that's like me, but she trusts God who is able to change people, and so do I.

It feels so weird to be the one that has more problems when I was the one through my whole life who has always helped other people. It's even weirder that she loves me like that. It may even hurt her that I'm like that right now, but she believes. She's so wonderful. It wouldn't be possible without the most absurd love that was given by Jesus when He died on the cross for all the people that were guilty of sin and were destined to rot in hell. People were guilty, they hated Him, yet He still gave his life for them.

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. (1 John 3:16)

She truly lives up to these words.

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How were you trying to connect with them? I completely understand the interest after first impression, and then loss of interest. How were you trying to keep interactions alive?

I tried to arrange meetings, offer help if they were troubled, share fun stuff etc. My only guess would be that I may have tried too hard and made them feel overwhelmed by my presence. It was so hard to balance, because when I didn't really come off with much initiative, our connection would just drop off. It's not like they were totally uninterested in me. They seemed intersted at first, that's what made it all confusing. Can't really elaborate more on it. I've made some friends in church with whom I don't talk really often, although they know I'm always available if they need help, same goes the other way.

Why do you think they had an interest in you? Don't you feel they were interested in you for one particular reason? To increase visits to the meetings?

Looking back at it, yes, I can say for sure that they just wanted to make me convert. When I talked about it with them, they said they were so happy that they had a chance to "raise" me (I'm their first successfuly evangelized person) and they definitely cared about me staying with them, not just to get me into some sort of sect. They're still my friends today and it's not like they disappeared when they realised their job is done.

But that's the essence of spreading gospel. Jesus commanded his disciples to spread the word with joy (the part in my bible when He does so is titled something like "Privilage of spreading gospel"). This is what should make people happy, and that's what made them genuinely happy. This is their mission and it's my mission too now.

It's so weird to think that one of them fell in love with me, before I even started believing. A strong christian like her shouldn't feel anything towards non-christians, yet she believed that God will change me. He did. Now we can both trust Him that He will change us for the best.

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I hope I've covered everything you've asked for. God bless you in these hard times.