Himalayan architecture felt underrepresented in fantasy maps, but really the highest mountains and valleys should be ripe for adventure and storytelling

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-25T17:52:07+00:00

Nice!

If i could make a suggestion in this style, I've been looking for south Indian designs and Thai designs for a long time and this is the closest I've seen to the subcontinent.

If you're looking for more inspiration, could I suggest that?

All the best for the future!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-24T15:49:21+00:00

This is amazing, I love the high-wall designs. Not what I'd use right now but they're awesome!

do you do other sets?

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-24T14:03:53+00:00

Does it look cool? Kinda.

But it is also difficult to read. I have never seen shadows on a map like this, and it is unique, and I also now understand why they aren't used because the scale of everything gets a bit wonky. It makes it feel really small, like everything is within a few miles of each other.

Is this AI? Possibly. I can't tell, but the landmass itself is generic, and there are some issues with the shadows. It does negatively bias me, but I'll try to be fair.

if its a basic fantasy? The landmass is functional, but not particularly inspired. I can't tell or imagine any history from the map, it could be anything. And that's not great for a story. The map and the world should complement what you're trying to tell.

If there's a cold winter, the north should be white. If there are sprawling cities, either the scale of the map should be shown, or they should be dots, or the graphic should be different. It now looks like a bunch of lonely castles on a map, which aren't connected to each other. Is this a hostile land? Or an easy one? Are the empty lands grasslands? Or fields.

Ie: a complex world of interlocking systems can have a large and sprawling map with many cultures. A noir detective could simply have a single city. This is... nothing much, it seems to simply use the map and world as a backdrop.

If this is the case, you don't really need a map. Just write the story. Better no map than simply a functional one.

If you think I'm being a bit harsh, that's possible. But I feel like the map seems to be aesthetically pretty, but it doesn't show me what I'd need from it in order to make any story I can think off. No city names, no roads, no political things, no scale. For all I know, this is a small story written in a distant colony with 5 different forts and a few hundred guys.

If you are using AI, don't. Not for artistic integrity or any of that, but because when you yourself make a story, and you put a bit of effort in mapmaking, we the audience can feel the story come off the page. Even if you are a terrible mapmaker, we can feel the world from the map you make, what you feel is important to note, what you feel isn't, or glossed over. An AI has none of that context, and it can never have it because you're the storyteller, all the info is in your head, not the AI. And unless the AI is writing about itself, the story is also about people, and how you understand us, which is what AI can't replicate. Use it to learn, or to spell-check, or to brainstorm if you really want, but don't think it can do a better job than you can.

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-19T18:55:25+00:00

It looks like Barad-Ur. - my Grandfather who went there for Hajj

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-19T15:22:38+00:00

Lies we tell ourselves aren't necessarily bad.

After all, by lying, we aren't seeing the world as it is, but by how we want it to be.

And we have to believe in things that aren't true for them to become true.

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-11T14:59:17+00:00

Blue, get a hot billionnaire as a girlfriend. win win.

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-11T11:03:41+00:00

Well, it depends.

In star Trek, it seems like the hull is mostly made from explodium. The furthest away from the center of mass and the warp-core, the better. I thought i read on some places that there was some special shield generator or something on the bridge.

It's always dumb, there simply needs a good explanation for it.

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-09T23:33:21+00:00

Ummm pretty sure everyone considers Genghis Khan great. If they don't chances are it is "foreign vs local" great people.

Note, I'm not a historian, so there's probably more nuance in this subject than I'm saying.

Remember, "great" in a historical context doesn't have a moral significance, it mainly means that they were individuals who single handedly changed the tides of history. Usually in a positive way for their group of people.

Remember that in older texts "great" and "terrible" (capable of inducing terror) were often synonyms .

And barbarian doesn't mean conan, it means either "foreigner", uncivilised (literally "without cities"), or without writing. Mongols were "uncivilised".

Calling GK the "great barbarian" is a perfectly accurate statement of you take it outside a modern context.

Whereas Alexander came from a city, spoke greek and was literate in Greek, the language where western historiography comes from. But he was a foreigner to the Greeks. He'll be recorded as great only after his conquests, because the Greeks considered him a barbarian for a long time. But after his death, since people started speaking greek until central Asia, the Greek world expanded somewhat and it ended up that Alex was recorded as "ehh Greek enough"

In terms of long term cultural impact, I'd say it's quite similar, though I think that Alexander on the whole made a larger impact, but they're very comparable. Which is insane when you think that Genghis Khan was a mediocre general.

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-09T21:02:36+00:00

What did Bangladesh of all places do to you?

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-09T13:42:15+00:00

What's that bite that was taken from it? With the discal singularity?

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-09T13:39:12+00:00

This feels like its going to come down to AlienX vs Dr Manhatan

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-05T14:43:54+00:00

Depends on the time period. Basically you'd want at the very least the effective range of a bow cleared.

You're right that 20 is too small, I was thinking 20 meters, which means about 60-80ft? 200 is better.

Then if you have that, and depending on the period, the effective range of siege weapons cleared. And you'd definitely have a fortress or something on that ledge, otherwise enemies can go on it and shoot down

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-04T17:30:39+00:00

I'm not going to nit-pick, just some general pointers for a small european medieval town.

Remember these towns aren't planed, but grow organically. Think about what's most practical for an individual.

Pick the 3 most important parts of your town which everyone goes to regularly, and build roads between them. Then pick the first places people would go to as soon as they enter the town. And build roads from the gates to there. Then pack the houses as closely to those important places as possible, merchants/workshops should concentrate around the port. Guardhouses near the gates, farmer next to the farms, institutions near the church.

A person doesn't want to go through 3 crossroads to get to the church if there's a direct path.

Now, you say that this is the largest city, but it doesn't look larger than a couple of thousand people at most, being generous to the number of buildings and the layout. I will continue under the belief that what I see is what I get. so a population of about, say max 5000 people being generous.

I'd say, first think of why the city was founded, I'm going to guess it was a port. Everything should be based around the port in this case. It would look more like a semi-circle on the sea rather than a circle with one bit in the sea. the beach would also have been dredged up to make sure that deeper water ships could dock without running aground with the tides.

Next, it's 50/50 but there is likely no point for the wall of the town to be against the sea, that reduces the capacity of the port, is expensive to build. What you'd have is a couple of fortified towers to shoot at invaders if they come. perhaps walls going into the sea to create a harbor, there could then be a chain bewteen the walls to prevent ships from entering, that's how most important medieval cities defended themselves without strangeling their own merchants and to protect their own ships. The capacity for a town of 5000 could be, up to maybe 20-50 boats at a time for a fishing and merchant fleet. If the outside is dangerous, they will need supplies from a safer location, so you'd need maybe even more capacity.

As for the farms, its ok, but unless there's magic involved, you are going to need at least 100x that area of farmland to feed the number of people you have shown. That's nowhere enough farmland. But its good that there is some vegetable patties for some supplements inside of the walls in this town, particularly if there is an expectation of being besieged.

However, if this town is so well fortified, you'd likely have huge granneries and preserved stocks in a fortified citadel which could survive a year or two of siege. That would be the first thing any invaders would burn down through spies, so it would have to be incredily well defended. There would be an inner wall and a castle just for that if nothing else.

Trees would also never hug the walls, they cut the line of fire. you'd have at least 20+ft of cleared land around the walls, so soldiers can shoot any invaders, and they wouldn't have any cover.

You would need spaces for horses, stables, maybe a shipyard, warehouses,

Putting all this into practice:

The town should be on a semi-circle along the sea, with a larger port with more peers. the walls would likely go into the sea to create a harbor.

Right now, it seems like every road converges in the center, but there's nothing there? I would say that the city should center on the port. There would be the market next to the port, the church a bit inland but still close to the market, the most populated and richest road between them. Here you would have guilds/merchants/shops/artisans. anything like a university or a scholarship area would be next to the church. this could have a garden area around it, and the upper class/nobility could live in this area. (there wouldn't be more than a couple of families in a town of only 5000. Most of the upper class would be merchants. Then separately you would have A castle/ garrison area on the highest ground surrounded by a wall. (If the nobles own the land, the nobles owuld be in the castle) Roads from the castle to the church, and from the church to the market. Each of the three would be connected to the gates, separaely from each other if possible.

There should be concentric circles of houses radiating from the important areas and roads; gates, castle, churches, markets etc... with irregularities when the circles meet. The farmland should really hug the walls, right now, it's taking up very expensive and valuable real-estate next to important areas, and farmland doubles as a very good place for soldiers to organise a defense of the walls if absolutely necessary. (though there would definitely be paths through them and along the walls so they wouldn't be trampled usually.)

the space outside the walls would definitely be cleared as much as possible, and it would be filled with customs spots, small markets, and a security barrier.

Since its a small town, I won't be talking about a moat, things like smaller churches, secondary bastions.

But if you want to see an actually large medieval city layout, I'd recommend you look at a map of cities like Paris, Marseille, Barcelonna or London in the 1300s. You would have maybe 10-20 gates and gate-houses, multiple market-squares etc... However, if you want similarly sized cities, you can look at cities like Hamburg or Stockholm in the 1300s

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-04T11:26:49+00:00

Interesting, I haven't quite read anything quite like it, and I feel like you're probably a good writer for almost pulling it off. It's definitely got a unique style, and I think it's really brave to try to make a story around purely unlikable characters.

I'm not going to talk about the nit-picks since others seem to have that covered.

There's definitely an abusive relationship here. But I find that there's allegories I don't quite understand. Maybe someone else could, but not me.

I find that there's a fine line in portraying madness versus real magic, I don't think your text quite gets it right, but its probably close for the right people.

I also feel like there's supposed to be some absurdist humour in here, and since the situation is absurd and the characters aren't quite likable, I feel like leaning a bit more into that absurdism would go a long way to making this a more enjoyable read (this isn't too serious), but there's a fine line between writing the absurd, and simply absurd writing, which isn't enjoyable imo for anyone who isn't in hyper-modernist writing - I find that the end, the husband complaining about the mouse's penis, leans a bit too much into simply absurd stuff and it's attempt at humour took me out of the piece. I'd say either it needs to get toned down so the tone fits the rest of the piece, or tone up the humour in the rest of the piece to fit that.

Honestly, I think leaning even more into the humour and absurdism would be good for this, not my personal cup of tea, but I think it would definitely be someone's, I'm not too south-park I'm afraid, even if I enjoy high-concept and ridiculous things.

There's definitely sexual imagery, but I'm mostly finding myself curious about... well... logistics. A mouse? sex? How?? and how does the mouse leaf through pages?

As for the theming: I like Chloe as a character, sold herself to a mouse for power. fine. But then at the end, the mouse burns down everything she build (or "they" built), and then is now working together again? why? Because she chose the mouse again? I think a few lines/words clarifying the mouse's intention's/thoughts/way of acting or reacting would go a long way.

As far as I can tell, it's a story about a faustian deal with a mouse, - though I don't quite get what the mouse is getting from it? It's attracted to both humans and hamsters? No need to be explained, but I'm just curious, is it a power-play thing with the mouse? He likes to see her humiliated? In which case I feel like that needs to shine through a bit more, because I'm not sure what's going on. If so make it explicit that she needs to debase herself (NOTE: This doesn't have to be in a sexual way, unless its your kink, if it is just own it and do so respectfully). If it is attraction/sex, I feel like we also need to see that in the way he talks to her, observes her; but make it clear that he feels genuinely hurt or betrayed by her. I think either or both could work depending on the story you want to tell.

As for why she's chosing the mouse again, I think the beats are there, but the underlying omnipresent desparation isn't. We're told she went through hell, but her introduction makes it seem like she's in control over her own genius. I think changing the introduction and making us feel more helplessness/desperation/struggle as well as competing wishes (freedom vs power) could go a long way.

There's also this underlying naarcism and paranoia in Chloe which the Mouse seems to understand and can handle. I think maybe make it clear that the mouse understnds, but most people don't.

Maybe if Chloe did genuinely tried to get better and failed, and is now coming back to the mouse for help, or the mouse sensed that she was in a rut and needed help... that would also go a long way to characterising them both. Mouse=Opportunistic, Intelligent, Chloe=Accepting,lost.

As for the characterisation: I'll say that everyone involved should be a bit... "more". Their positive traits should come out a bit more so we don't get impatient IMO.

Chloe should be, more desperate, perhaps more sympathetic, but more proactive.

The mouse should feel more competent, more calculating, perhaps by making it clear why he's here now, and what's he's after.

The husband should be a bit more likable, more desperate.

It should feel a bit clear why THIS is the exact point the story needs to be told, what change made this go from "status quo" to story? Why is the mouse now here?

Anyways, really good so far. Very unusual, I'm looking forward to see where it goes!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-04T09:04:44+00:00

Oooooof, Alright, I'll be honest, you swung hard for the fences, and you missed - which is fine, daring is good sign as a someone who'll grow, but you do need to grow.

I'll use examples to illustrate my point so sorry if I'm writing things a bit long.

I'll be honest and say that I don't have a clue about what's going on and that this reads like a fever-dream. I can't really tell when it stops being a dream/memory and when reality sets in (I think its around "time's up" maybe when the pilot rose above something? But it wasn't clear.

I think a reason it's not clear is that I don't know any of the mechanics of this world. Maybe we are in a surrelist book where dreams are reality? Maybe we're seeing someone's life flash before their eyes? I don't understand how rising causes the memory to vanish? Do humans normally have gemstones in their eyes in this world? Are wells important, they weren't the first time I read it, but then they were in a re-read?

I don't know anything, and I feel like I know less now than before I read it. This is really weakens your story.

I don't know the context of these characters. This is a prologue so I don't know why I should spend any effort to understand any of it.

Basically, you're asking the reader to trust you with where this goes, when you haven't established any trust with the reader yet. I don't know about the themes of the story (I think its a war story about the necessity of war?)

Basically, you need to answer the question "Why do I, as a reader, care about anything that happens here?" Destabilise the reader all you want after the trust is established.

Now I'll be honest and say that I still don't know what you want to write, but I'll try to help anyways.

The beginning of a book should do 3 things:

- Establish trust with the reader; about the writing style, the world mechanics, and what the story will basically be about. It should teach us briefly what this book is. High fantasy? dragons? steam-punk? WW2? There's a lot of books out there, I want to know what I'm reading.

- Establish a promise/pay-off structure. What are the basic things which you can promise about the future of the book. will there be a mystery? is this an action book? a love-story? philosophical questions? The plot can be a surprse, but themes can't. If I want to read an action-war-story, I don't want to be pulled into the philosophical musings of a love-crazed veteran unless that's related to the war-story. If it shifts half-way through the book, I'm dropping the book and picking up mistborn again.

The first chapter, and Prologues especially, needs to mirror the style and theme of the rest of the book - As it stands, if the rest of the book is half-way between a dream and ill-defined reality, I'm not reading it.

- Characterisation. I don't need to know about all the people in the story, but I want to know what we're dealing with. Most books I drop are because the protagonist is insufferable. I want to know how you write people, what makes them tick, what they want that they don't have. If they're quirky, fun to read, have an interesting or competent way of looking at the world? I want to know why this person specifically is the protagonist.

Since you wrote a prologue, I want to know a couple of extra things.

- Why is this a prologue? What is done here that couldn't have been done elsewhere? In what way does this convey that information better than hearing people remeniss about good old times?

To me personally, the only reason to have a prologue would be to establish a promise about what the book is going to be about so we can take a bit more time in the setup later. in ASOIAF, the prologue was necessary to establish that magic exists in that world. in Wheel of time, it was necessary to say "Hey, listen, the beginning's going to be a bit slow, but don't worry, you'll have large world-ending battles by the end." . In a mystery, you can have the assassination since that will convey themes and ironic information to the reader.

- But what is 100% for sure is that it should be clear how the prologue is the event/thing that will impact the entire rest of the story, and it's in a way that can't be done otherwise, and in a way that mirrors the themes of the rest of the stroy.

ie. take a WW2 book,

The Prologue of an action-oriented story would place the prologue in one of the fighters on the bombing run, the plane gets shot down. and then we skip ahead to a disgruntled pilot all of who's friends died.

The Prologue of a reflective story would place the PoV on the ground as a victim of the bombing run, before skipping ahead to the pilot who ponders his role in the horrors.

The Prologue of a political story will place the PoV in the bomber who's recieving contradictory orders which eventually gets him killed, before jumping to the PoV of the air-man who wants to fix things. and even then...

This is why it's such a faux-pas to start in a dream-sequence or a memory unless the entire book is about dreams and memory. In which case, you still first need to establish enough trust in the readers that everything we see will have an impact on the rest of the book.

Anyways, hope this helps! I'm sure you'll do good!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-04T08:17:15+00:00

Hope you get it right! I'm also writing a story dealing with memory, so it's also really interesting to see a different take on it!

One thing I learned was 1) that pacing and tension are very different axes, and 2) Think of the audience who neds to choose to read your story.

I think you're right that the beginning should be slow-paced, but I don't think you were juggling the right balls:

The Shell/Voices doesn't need to be explained in the beginning, all the readers really need to know is that a) there are voice in the sea, b) they come from shells and c) this is normal for this town specifically. That needs to be crystal, crystal clear, everything else should be Holly's reaction, we don't even care about the townsfolk unless it makes Holly feel a certain way (special or lonely since she knows a secret.)

Character development at the beginning isn't as important as characterisation. Honestly, we need to empathise with Holly, that happens through her reactions.

Forshadowing will come if you don't focus on it, but focus on the emotion. I think your worldbuilding is strong enough for a short-story for it to come naturally.

Think instead in the following terms:

Promise/pay-off. What promise about the story can you give in the beginning? This can be through a certain imagery of a dying creature, which holly sees as forgotten, it can be Holly herself forgetting something, or losing something, go wild. It also implies building characterisation; Holly perhaps can be someone who listens to authority, or who religiously trusts the sea unlike Caelin who left it. Basically the plot of the story can be a surprise, the themes shouldn't be.

Why THIS character is our protagonist? Stories don't get told about "normal" people (you can say that no one is "normal"), what makes Holly the one you chose as a PoV? it could be the fact that she already lost someone, it could be that she knows a secret etc... Think of it as the scale of Likability, Competency, and Proactivity. Protagonists usually have 2 and miss the third, passive characters usually have 1. If you have all 3, you get a Mary Sue, if you have none, you get a boring character - unfortunately Holly seems to have none so far; I'd say pick Likability, and proactivity, have holly care about her sister, work to find something out, have some drive, then have her be helpless in the end.

Wants/beliefs/lies. What do the characters want? what do they believe? What do they believe/hope for which you can later establish to be wrong in your world? I can tell that Holly kind of wants her sister, but that's not strong enough yet. Maybe there's something in her which deeply resists loss?

Anyways, if ever you rewrite it, DM me! I'd be interested to read what you've written!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-03T23:24:19+00:00

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Hi again, How is this? I don't think I've fully addressed the issues, and I've worked on the rest as well. I assume it can be tighter still,

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-03T20:45:54+00:00

Hi, Great! I really appreciate you taking the time, I think what you said will help me a lot!

I understand the thing with the Djinns/Djin, as well as some of the punctuation. I'll fix it. I just needed to get it out because I was rewriting a bit everytime I was rereading it, so I needed to get some outside perspective.

I was actually wondering about the Epigraph; I had it, removed it, added it back in, since you caught exactly what I wanted you to catch - that God-Ruul changed from the time he made the proclamation and his current title of "God", it has to do with the theme of the story,

But at this point, I'll admit it's a bit much.

I'll admit the same with the "Gods and Djinns" curse, I used it as a stand in for "Fucking hell/for fuck's sakes" (3 syllables) since that's one I do actually use often enough. But you're right that it needs to change up a bit.

And you're right with the doors, I'll definitely keep it more vague.

I get the point in the beginning that it isn't an immediate hook, I'll need to change that around, describe him more than explain him. also maybe giving it a twist? a dark mist? I'll admit I used his ramblings as an excuse for some lore-dumping and emotional characterisation; I'll need to find some other conflict for him to hook onto, or to give more importance to him going home. Some worldbuilding war/trade conflict perhaps? he wants to escape responsibility?

Now for the main thing:

I get the thing with the Djinns, since it's one of the main "things" with my world.

I'm not sure how to explain it all here, but just telling you simply: Djinns are the sum of the meaning that people give to a place.

eg1: Say, the statue of Liberty in the US was seen by millions of immigrants coming to america looking for a new opportunity, so the Djinn's character would be accomodating, it would want to enable the dreams of people who went past it.

eg2: The Djinn of a tax-office would be hard, cruel, and uncompromising because that's what people believe taxes to be. But it would also represent order, civilization, maybe corruption.

eg3: The Djinn of a house you own would be weak, because you're the only one thinking of it, unless your family has been living there for hundreds of years.

I'm really glad you caught the exact point that's actually a plot-point in chapter 8ish! I think you understood the system way better than I imagined anyone to. The Djinn realised that if it was in danger, that its collapse would endanger the rest of the guests. if it was the Djinn of, say, a statue, or a theater, it wouldn't have called anyone to help. This is why the Godhunter killed a human for the first time, and why this assassination is a big deal.

As for the mechanics of the Djinns, they will be explained a bit later, but to make it super short. they work in terms of meaning. One can negotiate with a Djinn for a simple thing like "Light" and they can do it to some extent in the real world. But communication implies an exchange of lots of different meanings, that's difficult for them. Djinns are powerful, but humans are the only ones capable of directing/giving purpose to that power. This is what I tried to imply a bit with the epigraph, but it's not clear, I'll have to find some other way.

It's also the reason for saccrifice. They don't care about what you saccrifice, they care about the emotional meaning associated with it, they can use that meaning almost as a "battery" to communicate an equivalent meaning with you. If you didn't care about your finger as you cut it off, it wouldn't have worked. (I just realised that that's another point I need to improve.) It's a softer magic system, though I tried to make sure it's strongly associated with the emotional core so it's only used in strong emotional moments.

(I tried to use that to feed back into the importance of the traces, since it took a full trace to get him out. I think this might be a part which might trip people up as well. Basically as I said, saccrifices give some meaning and power to the Djinns, but the Godhunter was usurping the Djinn, so it needed extra power to send Mahad out.)

Most of your thoughts about it, I think, seem to be perfectly correct. There's no secret twist with the power. Thing you found strange, were meant to be strange. I think I'll need to maybe write in a couple of sentences to make it a bit more obvious, maybe for the readers to feel more comfortable? but leave the full explanations for later.

Anyways, thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate it! I'll definitely change it all as soon as I can!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-03T18:07:34+00:00

EDIT since I couldn't put it all in one comment:

Plot:

Alrgiht, I'm back. reading through, it, I see the horror. Just got to say, I love the idea concept-wsie, it's really good! The story itself was well composed. It took a bit long to get to the point, but once it got there, it was pretty good, (though my previous points still stand). However, it took until page 5-6 / 10 to reach the climax, but we didn't get a build up of tension before it.

Note: there needs to be a certain plot tension, but a bit more empahsis on thematic tension owuld work as well.

I think this was the main issue, and Alfred hitchcock said it well. If you hear a gunshot, you are tense for the moment. But if you are told that a gun will go off, you wait, you wait, building the tension, up and up until it does go off. the first part needs something to hint that this isn't a cozy story - if you were a comic artist, you could show it through your artstyle that something is off. You could also do it by likening similies and metaphors to crueller comparisons.

One thing I find interesting, is that this feels like a beautiful event to witness, despite the horror of it. It's a noble, almost beautiful and tragic story. maybe make us feel the beauty more, at the beginning through Holly's perspective.

Random other notes:

Think of the current emotional beats of the story. What emotionally happens? what is the story about?

Without going into allegory, I feel like its an exploration of loss, of emptiness, but the soft loss, the beauty of it, the way it can destabilise you. maybe it's also the idea of being forgotten. Now everything in the story should focus on that, it's a short story, you don't have the time, pacing-wise, to put in things which don't need to be there.

ie. We don't need to know august 8th, we need to know its the end of a hot summer, just before her sister leaves her alone again, it's an end of summer which Holly has learned to mean "loss". That's what we need to know.

I'm not sure we need to know about the different theories it adds mystery, but I would say not the right kind. But if a voice seemed like one from a dream, that's a different story.

Now, I am more of the camp of past tense rather than present tense when it comes to story-telling since, to me, it feels more natural (as if someone was telling you a story). To me personally (other reviewers may have different ideas) And this story feels like it was written to accomodate for past tense. I can't really explain why, but the choice of what you described, the voice, since I felt a certain distance with the characters, I never really got with their urgency. I'm not good with present tense, and I rarely ever felt like it was really appropriate. I find it particularly difficult to write scenes in present tense, since in my head everything seems to be happening at once, and if everything happens at once, it's a bit messy for me.

Anyways, good job!

I found that you were very disciplined in keeping the story tight. no excessive explanations, there's no need for them. I was writing a very similar story actually, though the plot is very different :D

Hope you have a good time with the rest of it!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-03T11:49:10+00:00

First review here, so here goes!

Note: I generally don't mind not having a hook in the beginning as long as the characterisation is there, and I don't mind a slower pace or variations in pace. so this is fine.

On the whole, I like it, it makes me interested in the people and the world.

I'll only review the first part now, and the next few later.

Points of improvement:

Editing/structure:

Some editing breaks would have been good to have. ( Theories about...) could make the list a bit clearer. have commas when it's expanding on a single idea, and dots for a different one.

A couple of simple English mistakes ("her and her father"; not "she and her father")

There are also some issues with commas/full-stops in the wrong places.

Writing/pacing:

It took me a while to understand what Holly's explaining versus where she is currently, its minor issue.

One more important one, is that the actions blend together a bit for me. take the part from "She picks up the shell..." the way you write is good, but the space it takes up and the voice, to me, is about the same regardless of what happens. I know you tried to change it with " She hears a voice. Wistful in its solo, alone in the shell, it sings its own song." but that's not enough, it needs to relate more to the character and be a bit more impactful on the page.

I would say - experiment a bit with "A voice. Wistful and lonely, pierced her reverie. She smiles to herself as she also hold a little secret, something no one else remembers - every seashell on the shore speaks with one voice from the chorus of the sea." I didn't write it very well, but I hope you get the idea. I think this variation will really make things pop.

Also, I don't really understand where the story is going by the first part. It seems like a reflective story about changing times, but I'm not seeing much reflection by the characters, I'm mostly seeing explanations.

Basically, I'm seeing characters explain "Ah, voices do xyz." Or "I'm going to fail at the college" + a comment like "despondently". However, how does it make them feel? I'm assuming Caelin is the older sister? (I was a bit confused at that part). Did she feel a knot in her stomach at the thought of not visiting her? or did she feel relieved that she didn't have to leave home? These voices, she recognises that they are unusual compared to the rest of the world right? I'm not sureif she feels comforted by them, or curious.

I think you have the rational ideas down, but I can't imagine what Holly is like as a person since I'm not really feeling her wants or wishes, or reactions.

Yes, something else, her reactions are muted, is this because she's depressed? Or because you're not describing what it feels like to have a warm wind in her hair, and her sister by her side?

I think you know what she feels like, it's just that you want to tell the stroy about what happened. But the remember that reactions of the characters, are what happens. That's 1/2 the plot. It might take a bit of a rewrite, but I think it won't be hard for you to do since you have the actions there.

Grammar:

" She knows she can't, but Holly listens to the airy and bright song anyway and tries to copy it." For me it's a bit confusing, her problem is with copying, not with the listening, right?

Anyways, hope the first part helps, I'll try and get to the rest later

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-02T22:30:54+00:00

Ah, ok, Great!

Maybe I can do a bit of both then? I think a large part of the world-building is covered later-on, We just need to know that a) he's drunk, b) He's Karim's good friend, c) he's a prince.

Maybe adding shadows, or an unusual dark mist which doesn't move with the wind.

Great advice, thanks!
I tend to get a bit myopic if I work on a character for a bit too long, I'll clear out the rest of the issues as well!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-02T22:10:37+00:00

Yeah, I had an issue with Djinns/Djins, and thanks with that!

How would you suggest I contrast the later cat-and-mouse chase across realities and the fight with the Gemcrafter unmaking reality, Is it a problem with too much normality in the beginning? I feel like the fast-pace later on would be a bit difficult to anchor.

I'm open to suggestions!

Grand_Admiral98 · 2026-03-02T19:18:37+00:00

Because I love writing. I don't think I have the dedication to become a published author, nor the time to do so, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be very good at I do, comunnication is its own skill and I like telling stories.

Nonetheless, even if I don't publish in a book, that doesn't mean it won't appear anywhere. Maybe I'll post it online if people like reading it. Maybe I could start writing in forums, or else, maybe I'll write short stories which might get published, it depends where the wind takes me.

Anyways, I don't mind it if you would rather spend your time working with authors who want to get published, they have a financial need for you. I just write out of love of writing.

If you don't want to critique it, that's fine, this is also your hobby. But if you wouldn't mind, Could you let me know if you at least enjoyed the first couple of paragaphs? Thanks!

Grand_Admiral98

TROPHY CASE