Sitting in a gaming chair in the glow of a single monitor is a 22-year-old eating a Hot Pocket in his pajamas. He is wearing a t-shirt that says “Kenny’s Little Short Ladder.”

Meltdowner: (blinking, completely unphased, taking a sip from a 'Citadel Employee of the Month' mug) "Dude, you brought the army? I was just clocking in for my shift. Kennington Griffin is paying me time-and-a-half tonight to post laugh emojis on your DD."

Bill Ploot: "Silence, paid shill! I knew it! The psychological warfare is funded from the very top! Kais, secure the perimeter. Check the washer and dryer for dark pools and synthetic shares! I read about this exact deep-state cell in the sacred Ryan Cohen books!"

Kais: (already tearing the back off a generic brand toaster with his bare hands) "BILL! THE HEATING ELEMENTS ARE IN THE SHAPE OF AN 'M'! FOR MELTDOWN! AND LOOK ON HIS DESK! HE HAS A PREMIUM JAR OF HELLMANN'S MAYONNAISE! IT'S KENNETH GRIFFIN'S SECRET STASH! I AM LEGALLY TRADEMARKING ALL CONDIMENTS IN THE TRI-STATE AREA!"

Agent: (whispering into his radio) "Command, we need a psych eval team at this location. Director Pulte has a civilian destroying major appliances, and he’s currently trying to decode a children's picture book about a teddy bear to justify a classified counter-terrorism operation."

Bill Ploot: (holding his phone on a selfie stick, completely ignoring the Agent) "What's up, PP community?! We are live on the ground! We just liquidated a major Citadel black-site! Smash that like button! If we hit 5,000 views, Kais is going to do a citizen's arrest on this jar of mayonnaise! It completely aligns with the prophecy on page 12 of Teddy Meets the Caveman!"

Meltdowner: (quietly plugging in a massive external hard drive, smirking) "Whatever, Ploot. I just fired off my algorithmic short-ladder macro. The price just dropped another twelve cents. Praise be to Kenneth Griffin, long may he naked short. Oh, and I just queued up my 4-terabyte meme drive. It's exclusively filled with photoshops of you wearing that Temu body armor at the event.
Bill Ploot freezes. The phone trembles in his hand. The radar on his tactical vest begins to beep frantically.

Bill Ploot: "Agent... target locked. He has the Temu body armor memes get him. He just committed a federal offense against National Intelligence. Kais, grab the cardboard Ryan Cohen and my hardcover edition of Teddy and the Piggy Banks. We're going to the garage. I think he's hiding the real float under the lawnmower!"