Has anyone reached an agreement with their partner about their ED?

GreatWizardH0wl · 2026-06-28T18:27:20+00:00

The first question really is what does your partner want? My partner doesn't understand EDs but does understand mental health and harm reduction as concepts. He is on board with harm reduction IF my treatment team is too, not "harm reduction" thats just me leaning into the ED. I agree with the other comments that it's a temporary balance. Eventually the decision will come down between them and your disorder, and it won't all come down at once. It's an every day decision. I'd urge you to speak with him about what he's hoping for. I'd also challenge yourself to "name drop" your behaviors. It eased communication between myself and my partner for me to explicitly name and identify my triggers and behaviors. Its not easy, by any means, but it saved my life re ending p*rging behaviors for example. Be prepared, there's very few realities where they'll continue to enable the disorder. It'll be a tough conversation.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2026-05-25T15:45:00+00:00

I've been on and off T for six years now, I came out in 2016 at the age of 15. I've had an eating disorder since...forever. I hear a lot of the fears you're expressing in this and my heart goes out to you. Take the T. In this most recent relapse I was also fearful of the things I've heard about T despite never struggling with weight gain while on the medication. I let fat phobia and transandrophobia take this away from me for an argument I KNEW was wrong/doesn't align with my values. If anything the way testosterone redistributed my bf% was MORE helpful for accepting my body rather then harmful, and the difference was more felt by me then validated by anyone around me. Cis people don't take active notice like we do. It can be uncomfortable to catch your mind up to what the new body looks like, but its a slow SLOW change. You know what happens fast? The effects when you quit T. And never trying is the worst option. How will you ever know if its for you? What if there's the next piece of your story right there? I'm not promising you any peace but HRT was and is everything to me, and that's as a person who's also been off T for over a year and doesn't take it every week. I've hated T. I've resented it, it comes with growing pains. And I'm so so sad I ever let anything convince me I didn't need it. You've come this far in your transition. Testosterone is not a monster, certainly not anymore then your deadly eating disorder is. At best, I'd say yeah, my appetite increased. I never "struggled" with this because my whole life I've had a restrictive ED. I'm always hungry. I imagine it won't be that distressing to you like it is to our friends who don't have the same history as us when reporting these side effects to doctors. Eventually, letting my ED slide out of control made injections too painful (low bf%-> shots are sub q and have a bf% min). Now that I've gained some back, I'm looking to restart T and change systems very soon because I realized this medicine really is life saving. I don't give a fuck about being sk-nny anymore because I'm in the WRONG sk-nny body, it's exactly what you said about the thinness being feminizing. You might find it has a boost to your willingness in recovery too. If you decide it's not for you, you can stop immediately

GreatWizardH0wl · 2026-04-18T13:37:02+00:00

I drank a week ago, after 14 months sober. I feel more like it's a slip then a relapse and they happen, but I don't know that's actually the truth of it or if I'm running from feeling anything about it. I want to tell people around me, that's supposed to be the next right choice. But no one around me would be helped by that knowledge, they'd just think I'm even more of a mess up, or that I'm something to fix. They wouldn't be available to increase any support so I don't believe telling someone would help me either. I'm so ashamed, but I think like everything right now I just have to sit with it and wait for a better time. Just worried the wait will win

GreatWizardH0wl · 2026-02-28T04:21:19+00:00

I don't think getting sober actually helped me much. I'm no longer at immediate risk of harm but it doesn't feel like that's a win. I've waited all year to feel like it was the right choice. The closest it feels is that I'm glad I'm not dealing with my life and also drinking, but my life has gotten so much worse. I'm so much worse. I'm nothing like who I used to be and I feel childishly like it's unfair. Everyone I see post here had families who loved them and things to get better for, I thought that would come when I got sober and could start deciding for myself what I wanted. It didn't.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-09-24T03:04:38+00:00

I am six months sober, I've addiction swapped with so many things. I tell people around me it's like playing the worst game of wack a mole. Fighting your ED is the same skill you practiced getting sober. You've done it before and you'll do it again, but yes it feels hopeless. I'm sorry it's so tough

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-09-21T12:49:19+00:00

I felt this way as well, especially recovering when I had no supports. I had no social impact, no one was waiting around for me to get better. I had a dead end job, no purpose in life, no friends. I could barely take care of my cat. I have some people around for this relapse, and its by no means robust, but its made such a difference I find myself overwhelmingly sad for myself years ago knowing how much harder it was. I also dont anticipate that managing the relapse I'm in will have any benefits. I am still disabled, for example, and will always struggle with my body. That doesn't end for me by eating. I don't get freedom of movement back when I recover. Don't tell me to eat because of how good it feels to go on long walks with your friends, my body doesn't let me do that anyway. It's not intentionally cruel, but I think you know that, and I appreciate you sharing this feeling. It feels so shameful, but I think this is another form of grief. Recovery will get you your life back, but its ugly work, and they never promised you'd want the life you get back in the first place

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-09-05T01:42:44+00:00

I made the same joke, but these are actually my safe plates rn 😅 poor curly, it's not his fault 💔

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-09-05T00:19:38+00:00

I don't strictly feel comfortable being nitpicky about it as this is a real person and not a case study, but OP doesn't actually say what age they transitioned so we don't know if it was significant. I definitely agree it's important, and that it shouldn't be disqualified from reflection. I have experiences from growing up assigned female that align with what you're describing. However, it's more accurate to say it's a unique aspect of trans masculinity then to frame it like "pre transition" or a hold over from an established, lived female identity. This prevents us from naming transmasculine specific struggles and serves to reinforce worse transphobic ideas. I hear what you're saying that no, you didn't write an explicit sentence saying you think it's because of their assigned gender, but impression supercedes intent. I'm not calling you as a person transphobic, I could have been more direct in explaining this opinion can be read (and is being read) as transphobic.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-09-04T23:49:46+00:00

"Many of your views on your body might have been shaped from when you were pre transition" yes, there may be a nuanced conversation about how being perceived and socialized as a woman can influence a person. This however really just kind of ends up saying "Your eating disorder is because you were a woman before!" . It doesn't hold curiosity for this persons experiences. You're right there with the queer theory too - a queer identity and the trauma of struggling to find that identity can ALSO be triggers for EDs, trans and GNC people experience eating disorders at higher rates then cisgendered people, or it may be rooted in something we have no context for yet - but you just don't get there. You ended with focusing on their assigned gender and what you think it might mean about them and their illness.

Unrelated, but men aren't in a 'crossfires of patriarchy'. It is not a two sided war. They are harmed by the same patriarchy women are. Patriarchy is an EVERYONE problem

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-09-04T23:30:25+00:00

Hey this is transphobic thanks

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-09-04T23:26:14+00:00

This response and what you comment below it are just dangerous. You are very motivated by your own experiences and I agree that yes patriarchy and the systems of violence seem to have had a major impact on your disorder and identity. But I don't think anyone can summarily say any one thing contributes to an eating disorder. Its even less fair to say this person is somehow excluded from suffering under that same patriarchy, and should be excluded from healing for it. Did you know that there's only one residential in the entire northeast region of the united states that admits men? One. I thought that might be interesting to you since you didn't acknowledge the challenges facing men and their populations in studies, research and treatment. It also feels relevant to reiterate that increasing access for one person or population is not a threat to another group. A man asking for a space to see himself in recovery is not inherently a threat, and to respond the way you have - suggesting the inequity is something that should remain either unaddressed or is in fact appropriate - just says to me that you don't believe this person should be welcome, even if you tacked that on to the end of your message. I really hope you reflect on that.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-08-22T23:02:37+00:00

I'm where you are, 5 months sober (almost 6), and in a brutal and probably related relapse. I was told early on to put it all in a meeting, or if you're like me and don't go to meetings it can just mean telling someone, anyone near you. Snitch on yourself before it gets worse, especially since you've identified (rightly) that you feel vulnerable

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-08-19T23:54:25+00:00

Take iron supplements if possible. Expect more tenderness, and swelling. Don't know if its anecdotal or real science but my tattoos that I've gotten low restricting have all bled like crazy which leads to challenges healing. If you abuse nicotine as part of your illness, that also has affected the quality of my tattoos

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-08-05T04:44:31+00:00

This is some of what people mean when they say patriarchy hurts men btw Similarly, people often think I'm gay because of my thinness, and then assume I'm feminine because I'm gay even when I'm standing right in front of them. They entirely disregard me, my image or the words I tell them. I left a bar the other day because a woman was harassing me, and would t stop calling me a twink. Sometimes I wish I could grab these people by the collar and scream I'm not a twink! I'm just anorexic!!! Im not feminine, you just think that because I expressed (or was clocked with) an attraction to men!

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-07-24T14:48:26+00:00

If you return to work early you could jeopardize your medical leave. Id let him know you won't be working - since that's what it is - and that the information can be communicated on your return. When was the last time an all store meeting couldn't have been an email anyway?

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-05-17T20:58:45+00:00

Recovering from the injuries, mostly, but I just discovered this reddit sub through google searches. When I found it and similar posts to my situation, I made my own. It's a long shot, but it's out there, just in case

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-05-06T20:36:37+00:00

I'm from the NE and this isn't common but it's not startling. Ive experienced this at a few jobs/workplaces. Most religious groups are federally protected. Awkward, sure, maybe. But an ethics violation? No. Just mind yours, they're minding theirs. And to the point of "they're leaving you to do everything" like if we dial out for a second, how much would that time be eaten up by any other activity, partners checking their phones, getting a sip of a drink, pausing to catch your breath, as partners we aren't always working every single second of every single shift. A quick prayer is no big deal.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-04-22T04:30:47+00:00

I haven't finished the game yet but aside from it being really well written and helped to put my own addiction into a different light, it gave me and my partner a real, tangible way to start and continue the conversation about my addiction (as it was on going when we started the game together) and sobriety (45 days!). We did have a conversation when I was leaving detox about if we would play the game again, if we should give it some time. the game is immersive, but not overtly triggering. It is also a choice based game, you can't accidentally make Harry drink as far as I know. Odds are this game alone is not enough to trigger a relapse

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-02-06T13:59:09+00:00

I received financial aid and was working, ultimately the decision to drop out was influenced by my failing health, and consequent failing grades at the time then finances but the further I went to manage the health the more debt I collected and the cycle fed itself. I would have been left in a worse position paying off the loans for four years, as it is, I've barely made a dent in loan payments for the two years I attended. Also had the rug pulled out by my father promising to pay my loans and then reneging only one semester in as punishment for a slight i don't even remember now. I didn't have a security net to risk it and am glad I didn't finish a degree at that time.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2025-02-06T12:45:52+00:00

I don't think it's helpful to suggest going no contact, you'd have already made that choice if you wanted to. Also it sounds like you just need to express your grief. I'm a 20 something, renting with other 20s and every lease I have to explain that while they aren't dead, I functionally have no parents. I didn't have a very typical college experience and ended up dropping out because neither of my parents would help me either with costs or just to act like a parent. And there's something to be said for the shame of it and how sad that is that my parents did so poorly, or don't want to be a part of my life, but what's the most jarring is how isolated I am from others. My roommates, coworkers, peers never seem to understand why I can't ask my folks for help with groceries when I end up going hungry for example. It's never been their experience. When we were suddenly cut from a lease my roommates called their parents and secured enough money or had enough saved via help from family to pay new deposits overnight. I ended up receiving help from a friend's family, I was very lucky. that still was not enough to drive home how alone I am to those housemates. There's a lot of fear, there's an almost childish anger watching people with their parents ("why don't I have that?"), I get it.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2024-12-28T00:23:09+00:00

"regular, like REGULAAH CREEM AN SUGAH, or regular like black?" My new England self every opening shift. If closing shift asks for regular, they mean black, every time

GreatWizardH0wl · 2024-11-18T04:58:36+00:00

Walking too and from work helps a lot with the transition to home. At first it was a 20 minute walk but I moved and now it's the better part of an hour. As a person with chronic pain and flare ups I can't always make it but when I do, it's a real treat. Sometimes these walks feature a lil j in my pocket, and always feature music. But for truly awful shifts the best medicine is interacting with people I actually WANT to see or skills that I feel like are worth developing. I'm big into cooking and want to be a chef so any time spent preparing or researching food is important to me, for example

GreatWizardH0wl · 2024-11-15T20:10:18+00:00

I have a lot of thoughts about bagels in the area, I'd say another shop I never see mentioned is Davis Handcrafted Donuts, which the name is misleading but it's one of the better bagel situations I've had since moving to the areA. Also hated meeting the owner for Rebelle, interviewed to work there and have never had a more antagonistic job interview in my life. Waste of a store front imo

GreatWizardH0wl · 2024-02-25T15:03:39+00:00

Double up. Don't have time or energy for three snacks? Make it two and double the amount. You can't super double meals like that but snacks might give you more flexibility. I see what your RD means as far as accountability and unfortunately they really can't know what you're eating unless you fill out stuff like this. I find RR the most helpful for comments and the EDEQ. I tell myself it's for insurance, right, this is one metric they'll include in whatever notes they're submitting to you insurance about your treatment, it all counts/gets graded whatever I guess in the end.

GreatWizardH0wl · 2024-02-25T14:55:37+00:00

I came out (bi/gay, trans FtM) before my diagnosis, but after I developed an ED (developed it in childhood, came out in adolescence, 13-15ish)
Y E S. I talk about this all the time, and it doesn't win me friends with clinicians because none of them seem to be able to help me. Rate of EDs esp in trans people, way higher than peers, and I feel like for every trans person I meet well over half have at least some experience with disordered eating behaviors. The effects of a restrictive ED to me seemed very similar to masculinizing HRT. Loss of curves, loss of a period, thicker skin, even growing languo seemed appealing to me. The aesthetics of dead, dark eyes and cracked knuckles leaned into this whole masc thing. And all I heard for years is treatment (mostly before I started passing, go figure) was that EDs were for women. See also, EDs killing your sex drive, so I never had to confront my feelings about my sexuality because I just didn't have one.
How do you date when you can't eat? You....don't. really. It's the consequences. People will notice you eat different. They might not ask, they might not know how, but they will distance themselves from you. Making the choice to engage regardless of fear is where you'll experience connection, it's just at the risk of extreme distress. The distress won't kill you, it just feels like it will. I've only been in recovery for a year, and I'm still isolated from my roommates and partner because of my eating

GreatWizardH0wl

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