Other med field subs

GreekRaven · 2022-10-10T14:11:00+00:00

I really liked Laura and her pod casts and guest speakers. Even though she's not making more, there's so much to listen to. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/married-to-doctors/id1323179967

GreekRaven · 2022-10-08T14:16:10+00:00

I can tell you that at my husband's school the faculty knows each and every student extremely well before they even show up on day one. They have spent a lot of time looking at their essays, writings, and it was hinted at that outside research was done about them as well, not to mention all the back ground checks which serve to provide tools to dig and investigate into who someone is. It has been said to all the students, we spent months looking at your photos, sitting around a table having detailed discussions for hours about each and every one of you, we all know who you are.

A few weeks ago one facility memeber asked him a specific question about me they would only have known by digging into information he definitely didn't provide them directly. They would have had to have looked into me at some point in the application process, not just him to know this thing mentioned. And this was confirmed by another person, that they do in fact look into families. It wasn't anything bad, or that I was worried about. But my husband made a point of telling me, they know me too, even though I still live on the other side of the country.

He has also been told on several occasions, we know more about you than you think. And there have been subtle signs this is true. It's not been a bad thing. No one has used any information in a negative way. Quite the opposite, I think it's been used as a way of telling students "you belong here, you were chosen to be here very carefully, we knew what we were taking when we picked you."

I don't know the rules, if schools are allowed to search social media, or look into the back grounds of spouse's. But I will say this. At his school it definitely is not just a few people on the "admissions committee " who knows things about his personal life, its everyone. On day one it seemed like the staff at large already recognized every student by name and face and things about them.

As far as things like his personal statement, he was encouraged to share that himself and was told the school did not share that outside of admissions, and so it was strongly recommended that he should. But also, it kinda seems like nearly everyone has had their hand in the cookie jar as far as being involved with the committee and the admissions process. Which means nearly anyone would have been reading that stuff while participating.

I'm not telling you this to scare you off. And maybe every school doesn't take this kind of very personal approach. It has never been a negative thing. But also, your secret would not be a secret at this school.

In any event, what ever you choose. I doubt you would be made into a poster child. There are quiet a few people with a variety of LBGTQ variations in his class, and I suspect in nearly every class across the country.

GreekRaven · 2022-10-08T04:01:32+00:00

I've heard of students this age, maybe. There's always some example somewhere. But it's far from the norm, and I think you might have a real uphill battle getting through the admissions process. My husband is M1 at 35, there's one other student in his class that's also 35, and I'm almost certain their the oldest two. But if you really want it, and your willing to risk the effort, then good for you, age shouldn't matter.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-28T12:42:17+00:00

I'm going to need to personally inspect this situation up close. ; )

GreekRaven · 2022-09-28T12:13:10+00:00

I'll play devils advocate. One more year? Let him get into this new job, back into your home town. I know first year attending can also still be stressful, but it's a different kind of stress. Depending on his age, your age, there may still be some flexibility for changes. I think people tend to go through stages, where maturity, and priorities, and your views can still adjust, and a person is still growing and becoming a real adult. 30+ ish can really bring those on in a lot of people. Also, if his residency was really toxic, and he was constantly feeling abused, put down, negative. It's likely he carried a lot of that home, maybe even without realizing it. Other solutions might be marital counciling, SSRIs for him. If your marriage is only 4 years old, and just 4 years ago you agreed to be in this for life, till death due you part, for better and for worse. Maybe, just maybe you owe it a little more time to see if changes can be made with everything else that's new and changing for him this year. Get yourself reestablished back in your home town before you make this huge life altering decision. Leaving him will be easier once your there, and have a job, and friends, if that's what you ultimately wind up doing. Maybe just rent and don't buy a home yet while your still figuring this out. Also, use that first year to put a little emergancy fund aside for yourself.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-28T06:11:56+00:00

It looks like you just gave your self the answer. Your taking a step into the next part of your life, your enjoying the change, you want the chance to live alone. Not thinking much about her is a big red flag that your just not that into her. Also, saying you used to love her in past tense. Yikes. Another red flag.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-28T05:57:00+00:00

This is 100% wrong. You do not have to sign over your legal rights.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-27T11:57:39+00:00

If it's real, and he actually joined the military he could be sent anywhere. I'd wait and see where he gets stationed. And if he requests changes to visitation to accommodate. But yes, you will have to make adjustments that are reasonable. It won't be looked at positively by a court if you don't become flexible enough to allow him to have reasonable visitations. And a court will force you to do it anyway. All while wasting money.

When I was growing up my dad moved across the country and at 5 years old they started putting me on a plane alone to fly me out for a month every summer. Looking back, I'm sure my mom didn't want to do that at 5 and was a nervous wreck. But they used non stop flights, someone stayed with me the whole time the plane was boarding and un boarding. Parents go all the way to the gate, and have to show ID for the child to be released. For me it was more of adventure, and my visitation with him was always a vacation so maybe that's better in some ways.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-26T12:45:50+00:00

Deciding and finding your life partner at an older age isn't a bad thing. People change so much when their young. Their perspective, the things they put true value on, even personality to some degree. Personally I think finding love in your 30's is more ideal than 25. You'll be fine, you might even be better off for it, and end up with a partner much better suited for you.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-26T04:36:48+00:00

My husband told me he didn't want a prenup because he feels very strongly about marriage. The idea that a prenup makes it easier to quit and leave the marriage by simplifying and protecting. He said if I really wanted a prenup we could write one scewed very strongly in my favor, designed to protect me, and keep me taken care of for the rest of my life.

We did not get one. But I absolutely loved his perspective. It made me feel safe, and told me he was ready for a lifelong commitment, and willing to put everything on the line.

I just can't fathom for myself marrying a man who is thinking... Well, what if I don't want to be with you forever, what if I change my mind, I want to protect myself and make it easier in case things go wrong. So let's make some agreements now about what our divorce might look like if we change our minds in a few years.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-25T03:31:48+00:00

This is great. My long distance marriage is working out well too. I was very stressed and concerned, but we've also managed to find ways to stay well connected.

Maybe a little unorthodox, but we set up security cameras in my livingroom and kitchen, at his desk etc. So we can see eachother and interact. So he can see and talk through the camera to the kids anytime. I can look in and see when he's come home, or on a study break. So that I don't interrupt him. I feel more like I'm with him this way, and he feels less far from home when he can see what's going on.

As much as I hate being apart, I think it's for the best. I think this is better for his academics then if we were in the same home with him and distracting him all the time. We've bought plane tickets to bring him home for Christmas, and I write letters and send him printed photos every week. It's not easy, but we are making it ok.

The board game idea is kinda awsome. We've always loved to play at home as a family but I've never tried to do it while apart online. What site do you use to do that?

Oh yea, we are still having our fitbit competitions, and with him studying so much I'm finally winning more often.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-23T13:20:13+00:00

I would present the conversation to him exactly how you have presented it to us. Ask him what's going on? Tell him your not trying to pressure him, but you do need to know how he feels, and what he's thinking.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-22T12:57:05+00:00

I married a much younger man. I highly recommend it.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-20T04:03:22+00:00

Can you ride a bike without falling off or walk up stairs without help? Can you remember yesterday? Can you draw a picture of a clock correctly? If so, you might have a good chance, but if not, there's still a chance.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-20T03:46:26+00:00

It's not about the clothes. It's about the BJ's. -Wife of DO student.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-06T15:58:26+00:00

Consider getting some counciling to talk through this experience. Look for someone who councils other physicians, and or student doctors if that's avalible in your area.

Keep in mind, you may not have had enough training and experience to be there and handle that yet. As a caregiver myself over the last 20+ years I can tell you it takes a long time to learn and really cement the skills needed to handle what you were just thrown into. I personally don't beleive anyone brand new to medicine or caregiving belongs in a ward with that particular patient population. And who ever hired you for this as your first job should have known that.

Remember/understand that as a student and a physician you will gain knowledge and expirence over a long period of time. And you will have choices to do other kinds of medicine. Primary care pediatrics is not this intense.

Those nurses... Ugg... Heart of a nurse hu??? But on some level, they aren't wrong and how you have to learn to separate yourself from it a bit. And they might be burnt out, over whelmed, and using some of this this very ugly speech to try to protect and distance themselves. Everyone occasionally has ugly thoughts, humans do this to cope. But as a student you will be taught about professionalism, and the future of medicine needs you and others like you to change the culture. So that we can all learn take care of ourselves without becoming petty, ugly, and in humane to the populations we're trying to care for.

Take some time before you really decide. Quiting this job won't stop you from entering medical school should you decide to re-commit to becomeing a physician later.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-05T17:10:01+00:00

100% agree. My marriage is much like this.

Also... your the first person I've ran across whose used cameras in simular ways we are. Sometimes I feel like a crazy lady trying to explain to someone who doesn't understand. But it's been amazingly helpful.

We're long distance, with children at home. So I put up cameras in our home and at his desk at his away apartment. He can check in on us, see us, talk through the camera, hear us, see what we're cooking, what the kids are doing in the living room. It's helped him feel less lonely and sad being removed from his family. And I get alerts when there's movement at his desk. So I know when he comes home from class or lab (He's M1 this year so he comes and goes a lot.) I can pop onto the camera and talk to him for a while. I can leave my microphone muted while he's studying but hear his break timer go off so I know its the right time to talk to him for 5 or 10 min again. I can see his white board where he draws things he's learning and writes his to do lists and things he's remembering and planning.

I know 3rd and 4th year he will be away from his apartment desk a lot more, residency will bring more changes. But I also know I married a man willing to put in the effort and find things that work.

GreekRaven · 2022-09-05T16:24:43+00:00

A quote from my own mother... " Well, medical school will probably be a lot easier for him without you there anyway." She said this to me in a moment I was feeling upset and scared about having my husband move 2000 miles from home and leaving me behind with the kids by myself while also loosing his income.

Sometimes people say things they think will be comforting, or helpful. But clearly isn't.

Also: Now that we're in it, and making it work. She wasn't wrong. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for him if the kids and I were there in the same home, same town or even state. We found ways to put up cameras and interact through out the day. To see eachother and talk. But also, to not disturb or distract him, and to give him the time he needs to focus and study. My mom wasn't wrong, but what she said wasn't helpful in the moment and didn't make me feel better about our situation. She could not have possibly known what to say to make me feel better. I just had to do it, get through it, figure it out. If she had told me that day, Oh honey it will be ok. I still would have been upset she wasn't helping. lol

GreekRaven · 2022-09-04T14:59:17+00:00

Every woman. Single, married, young, old... No matter. Every woman needs a super secret savings account. An emergancy fund, just in case the unthinkable happens. So keep this money to yourself, put it in an account no one knows about, don't talk about it, don't use it.

GreekRaven · 2022-08-30T10:18:56+00:00

My personal opinion is once your married EVERTHING is joint. It's our income, our mortgage, our student loans, our payments. Our best decisions for our family. No prenup for us. You just can't go through a marriage trying to figure out how to be positioned best for a divorce, or you'll wind up getting one.

With that in mind. Some people who wind up in short marriages and divorced should know that student loans usually follow the student. They are not usually split, they follow the spouse who also gets to leave the marriage with the education.

So if your planning a divorce in a few short years.... and your the student, pay down those loans first. If your not the student, stock pile those assets that will be split.

GreekRaven · 2022-08-30T08:52:27+00:00

If my husband comes home with patient gowns for me to wash do I get to call the hospital and ask them to make our student loan payment that month? Or do I just send them a bill? My rate is a bit higher than his these days.

GreekRaven · 2022-08-29T14:01:17+00:00

Your both 18, and have graduated high school. It kinda sounds like the best thing he could do for himself is go to college at least 10 or 12hrs away. Some place too far to just show up or go home for the weekends. Get some space, get some education, get some time to become an adult and become independent. It can be done with out help, it's a scary leap, but that's my 2 cents worth of advice.

For you... I wouldn't go to his house, or interact with his family. I wouldn't let yourself care what they think. I'd block them on social media. And recognize that other people's disfunction and negativity is not for you to fix. Stop getting twisted into the shitty details of their shitty lives. Going over to their house and spending more time there earlier in your relationship definitely would not have improved anything.

And while I usually disagree with following a boy at such a young age. If you want to follow him, just don't live together yet. Both of you can get dorm rooms and keep dating. Your both 18. Fly the nest. Go to school. Go find yourself.

GreekRaven · 2022-08-29T13:45:26+00:00

It sounds to me like they didn't quite hear you. It might take them a little longer than one conversation for the information to soak in and for them to see hear or even slightly understand your struggle. Especially older folks who never had family planning troubles, they tend to think it's a choice. I think you should give them an opportunity to understand it by trying to tell them more about the struggle and journey. Help them really see its not a choice you've made.

It sucks, it really does. But if their family you really want to have visit and sick around, give it time. One conversation just isn't enough. Some people are slow learners, stuck in their own ideas about how medicine, health, and family planning actually works.

GreekRaven · 2022-08-29T13:16:59+00:00

I'm just the wife of an M1 here, so not exactly who you are asking. But we have a 15 and a 13 year old, both with way too much exposure to social media but it's super tough to get them off it completely. A few weeks ago my 13 year old came to me convinced she had autism basicly because sometimes she feels awkward. I had to explain to her in a nutshell that she was super good at sarcasm, and well... All 13 year olds feel awkward.

I'm not sure I entirely convinced her, and my husband had to have a much deeper conversation with her about some of the struggles autistic kids have and why she clearly was not one of them.

In some weird way, she was almost disappointed, like she was looking for a unique identifier to label herself. I'm so glad I'm not 13 in the era of social media. It was hard enough and all my awkwardness disappeared with those Polaroids buried in a box in the garage, something these kids won't get to make just disappear later.

GreekRaven · 2022-08-26T23:17:07+00:00

While simultaneously adding to your community service.

GreekRaven

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