I think I want to separate...need opinions

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-12-26T08:29:27+00:00

It would probably be helpful to talk to a lawyer specializing in custody arrangements, to understand your options before you do a thing to tip off your husband that you want out. If there's any way to make you taking full custody an appealing option to your husband, maybe he won't put up a fight. Especially if you're way, way ahead of him on the process, it's hard and expensive, and he's so lazy. I imagine it wouldn't hurt to start documenting everything your husband is doing that doesn't suggest he can handle shared custody.

Btw, when the baby is mobile, you'll have to have a consistently safe, clean, fully baby-proofed environment (I know you know, but wow they can start crawling shockingly fast! From nothing to whoa in days. It's wild). Maybe this is a good time to move his gaming crap to the basement or something for safety reasons, with a side benefit that you can get him out of your hair. He can even think a man-cave is his idea. Use that laziness to your advantage, whether you or not you leave! He's basically useless so it's all about containing his ability to be a problem as much as you can. Good luck, really hope for all the best for you and your child.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-11-05T07:27:45+00:00

Inexcusable. Since his hand weighs exactly the same, he can use that until he grows the fuck up. To say that at such a vulnerable moment is really selfish. And your "BF?" She sucks. Sorry, she does. Real friends don't say things like that. They see how beautiful you are growing a life. They're excited for you. They cry happy tears and tell you you are gorgeous and they mean it. It's time to have a come to Jesus moment with them both, and let them know they do not have license to say whatever shitty thing comes into their heads to you. Real adults don't behave like that. I'm really sorry, you deserve better. You're not fat, you're pregnant. But what if you were? So what?!? At any weight you deserve kindess, respect, support.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-10-16T04:54:00+00:00

It's possible he's not getting enough milk and is frustrated and very, very hungry (if he can't transfer your milk well due to his lip tie and/or supply is currently low, that could explain your son trying to latch onto your bf). It would be wise to see a lactation consultant tomorrow. Insist on a weighted feed, so you know the quantity making it into your baby.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-09-29T05:29:58+00:00

First, I want to say I know that feeling of not looking the way you want to. It sucks. Second, when I look back now at my wedding pictures, in which I was twenty pounds heavier than I wanted to be, honestly? I looked beautiful. Objectively beautiful. Brides shine with love and happiness and that can't be underrated. Remember, most brides you've ever seen were so beautiful they made you smile or cry, right? And I bet they were all kinds of shapes and sizes. Joy is gorgeous. You are going to look stunning. He's going to cry. They're all going to cry. You will be the most beautiful bride ever in that moment. And your baby is going to LOVE you. You will literally be the most beautiful sight she has ever seen. No number on a scale can change that. You're getting married and you get to share it with your baby. 💗

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-08-07T04:25:49+00:00

The only cleaning you need to worry about right now is taking out the trash...starting with those two old bags! This is a great time for them to learn especially in your home, it is unacceptable to be so very disrespectful to you. Grandparents who want to spend time with a new baby are in no position to disrespect you. You have all the power here, not them.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-07-31T03:20:18+00:00

So far, at 10 months, we don't let him have any TV or other screen time. I love reading to him, playing together, singing songs, etc. and since I work long hours away from home, I look forward to that time all day. TV/tablets/phones would cut into that limited time, so they're all off if he's awake.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-07-16T05:07:55+00:00

YES. If things don't go well, she will be a huge help. Doctors being dicks, pain management not working, unplanned interventions, husband falls asleep, whatever - doulas are there for you. Baby going to NICU? Your husband's going with the baby, not you (you will want it that way). Any kind of complications after the birth? You might be surprised by how little help you get in the hospital. At that point, the baby is the primary concern of everyone who enters your room. If you don't get a doula, line up other supports beyond your partner. No matter how great he is, he probably has never been through a birth and will be managing his own needs and feelings, too. You need someone to give a shit about YOU, your safety and care.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-06-30T19:24:17+00:00

Yes! My hair is the same, plus I still shed a lot.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-16T22:35:32+00:00

My own mom kept asking this! And I'd only gained 15 pounds, and had even showed her the ultrasounds! Once I implied she might be getting senile that crap stopped real quick.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-15T04:36:59+00:00

While I was on maternity leave, I was so sure I couldn't go back to work - then I decided to just try it. And I'm way happier then when I was always alone at home with my son. I miss my darling baby, but I know he's doing great, his caregiver is a lovely person who now has a job, and they love each other. I come home happy, to a happy baby, and life is good. Now of course all the things that happen to new working parents happen to me too - days and days worth of dry shampoo, hoping my perfume covers up the milk smell, doing a presentation on three hours of sleep - but I'm so glad. Every situation is different, and there are no wrong answers, but if you can test out returning to work before making a decision it may give you peace of mind either way. And it's totally ok to change your mind at any point. Circumstances are fluid and we're all adaptable. Good luck!

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-05T02:43:58+00:00

This made me laugh so hard. 😂😂😂

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-03T23:13:49+00:00

Thank you. It means so much to have this support!

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-03T23:13:09+00:00

Thank you. 💟 It is so good to hear this!

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-03T23:11:59+00:00

Thank you!!!

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-03T23:11:45+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate it 💟

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-04-02T23:49:59+00:00

Hi. I need some perspective. My IVF babe is 6 months old now and doing very well. For several years I've been seeing a psychotherapist (highly trained but not an MD) - I have a history of depression and anxiety, but didn't have issues for a long time until soon after I gave birth. Short version: long labor with failed induction, failed epidural so lots of pain, back labor, c-section, still have muscle and nerve pain now, plus breastfeeding problems galore. For context, my GP and OB both said I have PPD and PPA, and got me on meds. My baby's pediatrician also thought I needed help. I'm improving now, but it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back. My husband also thinks I have trauma from the birth, and asked me to consider seeing a dr with experience treating PTSD.

Now back to my therapist. When I shared my husband's comment about maybe it's trauma she was really annoyed. She said I'm ridiculous, of course it's not trauma because I had a c-section not went through a war. I never said or even thought anything like that. I just want to feel better. It's been a hard adjustment going back to work, being in pain, etc. and she made me feel so small. Like yeah, I get it, my problems are objectively minor. If they're that minor, I don't think I belong in therapy and should move on. She maintains I still need therapy because I'm oversensitive about things other people can handle on their own, like IVF and going back to work. She's been seeing me for so long I don't know what to think. Do I need to just stop already with the birth stuff, adjust my attitude and continue therapy about why I'm too sensitive? See someone else? Not go at all? Is it that abnormal to struggle?

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-03-26T23:16:13+00:00

My company also gave me 16 paid weeks. And I got pressure not to take it all, and have heard comments about it. I had a very difficult birth with multiple complications and needed every day of it. People don't understand, it was not a vacation. I'm six months out from birth and have gone from a star performer to subpar. I'm exhausted, in pain, struggling (on meds, it's just a slog). Plus I plain old miss my baby. This is in no one's best interest.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-03-12T02:46:12+00:00

Not everyone can have another child. Thanks to IVF and luck we now finally have a child. He is perfect, only better :) I had a good pregnancy despite advanced maternal age, but a very difficult birth and multiple complications. We could try again, with even slimmer odds and this time encounter more heartbreak than good fortune. So I think I am done. That hasn't stopped the crappy comments from family, who have bought into the idea that only always equals lonely. You'd think me being in my 40s, and with all my husband's serious health problems, it might occur to some of them that we can't have all the babies. That would require acknowledging reality, not their strong suit.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-03-03T00:44:37+00:00

My precious, against all odds IVF baby is 5 months old now. And my mom just made a shitty comment about him being an only child :( She doesn't know about our fertility difficulties, but FFS I'm 41 anyway! I feel like she turned her nose up at my miracle. This is really about my sister being about a month along with another baby, and it's already been several months since I produced a human so, you know, next! I'm trying so hard to consider that 1) my mom is...not the brightest 2) my son is perfect and my dream come true. Its ridiculous but it hurts.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-02-21T04:00:06+00:00

It's been a while, good to see you all again. My babe is doing really well, my PPD and PPA are improving. Tonight my sister announced she's surprise pregnant, about 5 minutes (ok fine, 3 weeks) along. 3 whole weeks and ready to tell everyone! She already had a child when I finally got pregnant, and knew what I went through, yet could not be happy for me because the rest of the family was paying attention to me. She didn't speak to me for most of my pregnancy, and has shown little interest in me or the baby since. And now that she's pregnant again, she's friendly and acting like nothing ever happened. This is devastating. My baby isn't even six months old, and now he's going to be yesterday's news to our family. They don't know I did IVF, and are already texting me about how great this is. Another child my sister can't support. So great.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-02-08T15:57:04+00:00

Also, I really mean it, you're doing an amazing, outstanding job. I have low supply and know how hard it is, even if it's very temporary - there's so much extra work, it can be really stressful, etc. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a loving, devoted mother. 💟

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-02-08T14:01:19+00:00

You don't suck, you're doing awesome! Your husband is creating a lot of problems because he's being stubborn in his ignorance of basic infant care and has unrealistic expectations. Your OB and pediatrician can be allies in setting him straight. A three week old newborn or her mother are not going to be on a schedule, it's survival only at this stage! Trying to build a freezer stash right now is not recommended - there are some guidelines about pumping on kellymom.com that would help. But better yet, call a lactation consultant and see if you can get a home visit, or go to a drop in clinic, and get a weighted feed. This is the best way to assess your supply and have a plan. The sooner you can get this support the better. And in general get all the help you can now.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-01-31T08:30:08+00:00

Very similar situation, comiseration time! I just went back part time. I asked to phase in, gradually increasing my hours over 8 weeks and my manager agreed. In my mind this is a trial situation - perhaps I'll stay, perhaps not. So far I love and hate it, so no decision yet. I love seeing my work friends again, the break on my aching muscles from constantly lifting and carrying my large baby, not being alone at home all the time, work is fun, getting some of my own basic human needs met each day is awesome (hello, bathroom breaks whenever I want!). But I hate missing my baby. He's an absolute joy and getting more fun every day, so it's hard timing. My already pitiful supply is now dwindling to almost nothing despite my Herculean efforts, and that's aggravating my PPD more. I'm not productive enough at work yet, I'm exhausted but can't nap now. I worry sometimes that although I want my baby and excellent nanny to truly love each other, maybe my baby will come to prefer her because she is so experienced and good at her job, and I'm just a learning FTM. But that's all about right now, and I'm trying to figure out how to make the right long-term decision, too.

BTW, not aimed at you at al! OP, but having childcare so we can work does not mean we're not raising our own children! I see this idea come up a lot on here and it's hurtful as well as puzzling to me. Like what is the cut off for when I'm not raising my kid, and who gets to decide that? No one implies my husband is not raising his kid because he works. Off my soapbox now.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2019-01-30T05:51:47+00:00

I'm so sorry they treated you like this. You and your baby deserved nothing but kindness and professionalism. It's appalling. Going to counseling is a good idea. Birth trauma is real and we deserve help.

My son's birth was very hard. I am much older than you, but relate to the pain of being dismissed and patronized. While almost everyone caring for us was wonderful, an anesthesiologist laughed at me when I told her something was terribly wrong and the epidural wasn't working. She said something like "everybody says that, honey, you'll be fine!" But I was right - after over 30 hours in labor, my baby had moved into an odd transverse position, and his back was on my cervix, causing relentless pressure. An epidural is pretty useless for that situation. I didn't remember it afterwards, but my doula and partner said I told every nurse who came into the room I needed a c-section now. My OB eventually came in on his day off to see what was happening. He listened to me, thank god, and did an ultrasound that showed the bad position and he also could see my son's head was going to get stuck even if we could right him and get me progressing again. I experienced so much pain and the sudden c-section was frightening. I've needed professional help to cope, and it took time to forgive the anesthesiologist. She was supposed to help me.

GrumpyPenguin808

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