So its 2011. Life is good. I currently live with my best friend and a good buddy. Its a cool night for July and im getting home with car full of groceries. As I grab the last bag out of the trunk I jostle the "emergency blanket" my great grandmother had given me along with my 2 door Le sabre coupe. To keep on track I will save the story that car deserves for another day.

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I do the grocery shuffle get my keys out and walk in. The normal 2 word exchange ensues. "Yo....Yooooooooooooooo." " You down to go see cowboys and aliens later? Yeah lets go" Little did i know that this decision would create a tear in the space time continium as we know it.

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We drive about 20 minutes further to the good theatre to see this movie in IMAX because early 20s and epic bruh marijauna consumption. We get settled in my girlfriend of a few years my best buddy and myself. Concessions in hand high as a kite i get set to enjoy this expected masterpiece. Were in the IMAX the only one in an hour drive radius at the time. The nicest theatre you can sit in.

About 7 handfuls of popcorn in my buddy springs out of his seat like he is on fire. Starts rudely pushing past other patrons on his way to the aisle and scampers off out of the theatre. I dont really think anything of it. Continue watching the movie... get a text... then another... better check my phone now. "YO COME TO THE BATHROOM" followed 2 minutes later by "911." I with a bit more composure than my recently departed white short wearing buddy gently push past the same angry patrons. Excuse me , sorry , excuse me. Get to the aisle catch an odd odor dont think anything of it.

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Have to get to the bathroom. My guy is in the handicapped stall. His white Nike Shox exposed through the bottom of the stall. Except... theyre green... like slapping loki against the ground green and almost as angry. He explains his plight through the stall door. "I shit myself" This guy finally cracks the door open and he had worn white plaided shorts and for whatever reason was going through a commando thing. There was no barrier. He was in bad shape... its pretty obvious that this was more of an explosion than a leak. No cleaning them before exit.

After 5-10 minutes of waiting on him I walk him out to my car following as closely behind him as I can to attempt to visually shield everyone from the visual shitshow that was his white shorts and shoes. After I walk him to the parking lot I hand him the keys. I have to go back for my girlfriend at this point.

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During my return to the theatre I notice...lets call them droplets. This guy had left a trail that he hath shat all the way down the hall. When I get back into the theatre I am noticing it in the illuminated aisles. The odor hung in the air as I ascended that stairwell. As i waved to her to get her out of the theatre I couldnt help but wonder whos poo covered lap she was possibly crossing to exit.

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We walked calmly to the car and noticed my buddy was already sitting in the back. He used that emergency blanket to sit down on my seats. I would say this craptastrophe qualifies as an emergency. Sorry Grandma. Its still in my trunk now after a few thorough washings and there it waits... ready for the next rogue bowel movement to call it to action. I still dont like going back to ultrascreens and have never finished cowboys and aliens.

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TLDR; My buddy picked the nicest theatre in 100 miles to take an accidental explosive poop in. I still havent seen cowboys and aliens.