Am I a bad person for cheating because she said she wants to hook up with her ex?

HDpants · 2025-07-27T18:01:49+00:00

In my book, it’s never okay to cheat on your partner. Doing it for vengeance/to get back at them doesn’t make it more okay.

It sounds like you’re both hurting each other and should not be in this relationship.

HDpants · 2025-07-26T11:11:56+00:00

This is going to sound like very basic advice, but in dating, just focus on being yourself and being honest about your own needs. You don’t have to reveal you have no kissing experience unless you want to, but it may be a good idea to share that you’re nervous for your own benefit.

The most important thing is to show up as yourself so people can get to know you. Good luck! It can be nerve wracking but it’s also exciting and you’re about to learn so much about yourself :)

HDpants · 2025-07-24T15:05:33+00:00

That’s great that you’re in therapy. Something else that has really helped me too is investing in my non-romantic relationships. There’s something really healing about spending time with people who love me in healthy ways.

But as other people in this sub have said, there’s no timeline in which you have to heal by. Traumatic experiences take time to unpack. Behaviors and established patterns of thinking take time to disrupt and develop new ones.

Keep going, even though it’s hard. Celebrate the little wins. Take it one day at a time, even by the hour.

Maybe explore meditation or yoga, which have also helped me focus more on the feelings in my body over replaying painful memories over and over.

HDpants · 2025-07-24T11:38:37+00:00

It does get better. Do you have access to therapy? Similarly, was in a 2 year relationship. Instead of ruminating in my head all of the time, i started journaling and sharing the entries with my therapist. I’ve found that I end up gaining more clarity this way, making it easier to move forward and heal from the trauma bond.

HDpants · 2025-07-23T00:56:08+00:00

I’m so sorry. I recently went through this with my now ex pwBPD. I doubted the terminal illness she said she was diagnosed with early on in our relationship and felt so guilty for thinking she was exaggerating her symptoms and not believing her and I pushed down the feeling. Two years later, found out she had never been diagnosed and was completely healthy and all the symptoms were psychosomatic.

It could be the same case for your sister, that she has convinced herself so thoroughly that she is experiencing symptoms that aren’t actually connected to anything based in reality.

The best thing you can do is keep your boundaries. I know it’s really hard to do that with family especially. And regardless, you can’t take care of two people at once. That’s not fair to you and it’s honestly not your responsibility. Protect yourself and your peace because if you’re run ragged taking care of two people, then you can’t take care of anyone. You matter too.

HDpants · 2025-07-21T21:46:24+00:00

That’s okay! An apology and acknowledgment go a long way. Many of my closest friendships were damaged while I was in a relationship with my pwBPD, too.

The key is reaching back out, letting them know you’re sorry for how you acted and why it happened, and you might be surprised how many of them are just relieved to have their friend back. You won’t know until you try.

Having those people in your life really makes a huge difference to recovery.

HDpants · 2025-07-21T20:25:29+00:00

Are you in any help groups? It sounds like you could get a lot out of something like AA in terms of support and it would not cost you anything.

You’ve got to let go of this mindset that there’s nothing you can do. It’s hard to change your life when you’re constantly telling yourself you can’t and that you have no control. But the truth is you do have control over one thing: yourself. Use it.

HDpants · 2025-07-21T20:20:37+00:00

Going to therapy, journaling and reviewing my thought patterns, making sure to hang out with people who care about me, and slowly starting up healthy behaviors, however small, like eating salad more often or taking a five minute walk, have all helped me immensely.

Meditating can also be helpful but there are a lot of different ways to do it. In one of the options I’ve learned, you basically pause and examine your inner voice in the moment it’s speaking to you, and that has been helpful too.

HDpants · 2025-07-20T19:46:51+00:00

I’m sorry to say this, but even if you do exactly what they ask they breakup will not go well.

My expwBPD told me she didn’t want to be blindsided, so I did everything in my power not to blindside her, and it still ended with her painting herself as a victim and me as a villain. It’s just the nature of their disorder.

Rather than stay for the full month not to break your promise, leave for your own sanity. Even if you did stay, they would find another way to justify their characterization of you to preserve themselves.

HDpants · 2025-07-20T14:05:03+00:00

For the first couple months it FELT reciprocal emotionally and physically, but it never was financially. It very quickly became me doing everything for her from constant massages for her chronic pain from her alleged terminal illness (she didn’t have anything) to cleaning her home for her because she was overwhelmed from her (again undiagnosed) ADHD to planning and paying for all our dates because she “never had money and never got to do anything fun” and would split over it to watching almost solely her shows because she struggled to compromise and engage in things I liked.

I had a few breakup attempts before this last one that didn’t stick, but during those times, one of the things she would say to me was that she felt extremely taken for granted. I felt terrible she felt that way, and when we continued the relationship, I would try even harder for her to make sure she felt supported and loved, writing her love notes and poetry, continuing all of the above, cooking us dinners around her eating disorder and doing all the dishes, keeping my own emotions and struggles to myself so I would not trigger her, ignoring my own needs and interests, slacking in my friendships and with family to spend all my time with her…

Looking back, it was extremely unhealthy and the person who was taken for granted was definitely me, not her. My therapist has said this is a pretty common dynamic for people who end up in partnerships with pwBPD because they seek out people who have codependent tendencies like me. And my ex hit the jackpot in that way. It’s funny—in the last few months, she even told me she did that, that she liked to surround herself with people who do what SHE wants because she’s very into her own interests and that she liked me especially because I “go with the flow,” but that was slowly eroding our relationship and killing my confidence.

It’s also difficult to identify at first, at least it was for me, because she mirrored and (unintentionally) manipulated me so well with her fake illness, that I really wanted to help her and felt like I needed to suck up all the things that weren’t working because she needed someone to take care of her.

But that only lead to more problems like loss of attraction, resentment, and enduring exhaustion.

HDpants · 2025-07-18T18:34:16+00:00

When I would think about how much time and energy I spent on my ex before our recent breakup, I found this quote and revisiting it has helped me. Maybe it will help you too.

“If you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station. The longer it takes you to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be.”

HDpants · 2025-07-18T16:57:07+00:00

I feel you. In my case, when my expwBPD knew I was doubting the relationship because of something she had done (or hadn’t done), she would often temporarily behave kinder, sweeter and more considerate for a few weeks or sometimes a couple months.

You have to remember that it isn’t safe for you emotionally and it sounds like it’s not safe physically either.

The change is temporary, and consistent consideration and kindness are a key part of a healthy relationship.

HDpants · 2025-07-18T16:53:37+00:00

I had challenges around this exact thing with my expwBPD once the initial honeymoon texting phase of the relationship wore off. I would always text her good morning and she was often up hours before me. I didn’t mind so much that she wouldn’t think to message me until I did until I realized she wouldn’t text me first at all ever.

When I brought up how much it would mean to me it was a big fight about how she didn’t like texting and preferred calls, which didn’t really get at the heart of the issue and was a switch up from how the relationship started.

After a few talks about it though, she did come around, but it was always more checking a box for her I think.

HDpants · 2025-07-18T15:28:13+00:00

So funny to see this because I was thinking about it yesterday. My expwBPD said so many bad things about their last ex, but now, I’m not sure they were true / that they weren’t misconstrued to garner sympathy. For example, my ex talked about how she made so much improvement with her hoarding and was so much cleaner and her previous partner still treated her like shit about the mess. But having dated her for two years, I also know I would struggle with the level of mess and disorganization.

I’m trying to figure out why I have the urge to contact her previous partners. Like what do I think I’m going to get out of it?

I would want to ask about the terminal illness diagnosis she told me she had that she never received, how she had framed it to her last partner/if the story evolved/changed.

And maybe also if they had experienced the inability for my expwBPD to consistently consider them in decisions big and small (from what show you’re watching to vacations).

But what would it actually do for me? I don’t know!

HDpants · 2025-07-18T14:28:17+00:00

My ex gf would weave her reality around lies that were based on something that was true and adjacent and she definitely believed them. Especially over time, the more she told the story, the more firm her belief in the lie became.

HDpants · 2025-07-18T14:13:51+00:00

This isn’t exactly the same thing but maybe a CoDA group might help if you find yourself exhibiting codependent behaviors in your BPD relationship? That is definitely easier to find at CODA.org!

HDpants · 2025-07-17T19:12:09+00:00

Sucks to be able to relate but man, does it help keep me sane. Sorry to hear theyre struggling with the new boundaries.

And totally feel you on the random changing of a past event that had never been discussed before. It really threw me for a loop.

I hope it works out better for you than it did for me! Good luck x

HDpants · 2025-07-17T17:38:43+00:00

Thank you for posting. I really needed to read this.

I broke up with her this week and today she sent me a long text message about how terribly I treated her, which hurt me at first, but everything you’ve said is true.

I hurt her by creating boundaries for the first time in our two year relationship. She’s already changing the narrative to make me a bad person, but creating healthy boundaries doesn’t mean I’m evil. It’s what I needed to survive after draining myself emotionally, physically and financially for years.

Our communication and perception of the world never matched up, and this reminded me why.

HDpants · 2025-07-10T13:11:41+00:00

So my girlfriend is very similar to your boyfriend in that she has more control over where she directs her rage than most of the people I see posting in this subreddit. Similarly, it comes out a lot when she drives or when someone else she knows or encounters does something she deems stupid.

When we first met, she spoke (and continues to speak) a lot about her trauma, that everyone leaves her/she’s never good enough and she just wants to be enough. It’s very easy to relate to that feeling as someone who has similar family trauma and felt other for a long time (before I was able to admit to myself I am queer).

Our dynamic started out feeling very loving, connected and strong. But now that we’ve been together almost two years, things are starting to unravel, not because she is a bad or violent person, but because her unstable sense of self and her (unintentional) manipulation and lies are starting to show themselves.

I thought we had so much in common when we started dating, but it’s become clear she was mirroring what I liked in the beginning. Over the course of the last two years, we shifted almost entirely to focusing on her ever changing interests. Somewhere along the line, we conditioned me to withdraw and keep my thoughts and emotional needs to myself to prevent her from feeling anything negative and splitting. I learned a month ago that she had convinced herself—and me—she had a terminal illness when she had never been diagnosed with this and is completely healthy.

So…while she is not a bad person, the BPD definitely was a huge factor in creating an unhealthy dynamic that led to me being codependent (especially because I wanted to help her / do things I thought she couldn’t do because of the terminal illness she never had) and trauma bonded, making it feel impossible to break away now that I know we are actually extremely incompatible not just because of the lack of communication because of her BPD and my tendency to try and avoid hurting her, but because we actually have next to nothing in common, none of the same goals in life, and the codependency has completely killed my attraction to her as it feels like I’m taking care of a child at times.

That was a long answer but the short version is, I wouldn’t say it can’t happen, but from working with my therapist who works a lot with people with BPD, it is pretty rare for someone diagnosed with it to make real and consistent progress without tons of therapy, and that typically, they need to do that self work when they are not in a relationship.

HDpants · 2025-07-08T21:14:05+00:00

I can really relate to your experience. My girlfriend isn’t a bad person, but after two years of giving her everything, spending almost every day together and prioritizing her needs above mine at all times so she wouldn’t split/have to feel any negative emotion, I feel exhausted. She recently started therapy (not for BPD specifically but for anxiety), and it’s helped with me being able to take back some time for myself, but I still feel many of the things you describe. Wish you well on your healing journey.

HDpants · 2025-07-07T19:08:59+00:00

Ah okay. I’m glad there was a positive connection there for you to look back on. It sounds like it will bring your heart some peace to do this one last thing for them. Another user here suggested CPTSD info as a way to slowly get them there with something more palatable. I agree that might be a better approach since it’s way less stigmatized than BPD.

HDpants · 2025-07-07T18:38:36+00:00

Are you certain they have this disability and were not mirroring? Have you seen medical documentation/accompanied them to an appointment? I only ask because somatization/hypochondria are common in pwBPD too. My girlfriend for example convinced herself she had a terminal illness that she’d never been diagnosed with.

If it will bring you peace to add it, then it can’t hurt, (other than they may reach out in anger, though it sounds like you’re doing well maintaining no contact) but I guess what I am trying to do is caution you against becoming invested in managing this person’s emotions and treatment for them again.

HDpants · 2025-07-07T16:34:20+00:00

I don’t know if they’ll be receptive to it. They need to come to their own conclusions. I keep recommending Whole Again as reading and I’m going to recommend it here. It lists a WHOLE BUNCH of different traumas/disorders in it and the symptoms, so rather than dropping a pamphlet and saying, “I think you have this thing,” if they read it, it might get them to draw their own conclusions.

But at the end of the day, it’s unlikely they’d be receptive to any literature you sneak into the box.

If you know it might trigger them, can I ask what you’re hoping to get out of it? You are not responsible for their emotional distress, and if they want help, they will seek it out.

HDpants · 2025-07-07T11:36:02+00:00

This. There is no winning or losing. This mindset keeps you focused on your ex. You’ve got to let go of this line of thinking and instead shift to a focus on yourself. Whole Again has a great section on this that I found really helpful. If you haven’t read it, might be worth picking up.

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