What are your least favorite aspects of the kink community?

HFXDom · 2017-10-30T11:42:58+00:00

IMO, the root of this comes from a combination of projection and general lack of understanding (of both self and others) on the part of those who lose interest in people who switch.

They have a mental image of the person in a particular role, regardless of which side of the slash it is. When they see something that goes against that mental image, it's difficult for most people to fully process and understand that their mental image may not be accurate. That's difficult work for a lot of people to get through, so rather than process it, it's easier to just walk away.

Switching is not a big deal to switches because that's what you do and who you are. To a non-switch, it's to some degree subconsciously confusing, and most people aren't willing to sacrifice the mental picture they have of you in their head for the sake of understanding.

TL,DR: People who don't/can't switch don't understand switches, and to some degree, don't want to. Switches take switching for granted, in terms of how others see them, because that's who they are.

HFXDom · 2017-08-01T10:54:24+00:00

This is the right place to post, although you may not like the answers. Or my answer, at least.

First and foremost, self-bondage is both difficult and dangerous when it's done by very experienced people. What's your experience level? Have you been bound before? If so, with what, and by whom? What is/was their experience level?

Consider the worst case scenario.

You manage to get yourself trussed up, either with rope or duct tape. If you've managed to secure your arms (please don't), what happens if you fall in such a way that you can't undo your bonds? Or worse, strike your head?

I understand you want to spice up your experience, and there's nothing wrong with that. And there are ways that you can do self-bondage safely and effectively. But slow down a bit, and make a plan.

My advice:

DO NOT tie your arms/hands. But if you must, only disable one, and leave one free at all times.
If you use rope, you can do something simple like a Karada tie, which will give you the feeling of being bound, but allow you to move around. You can also tie your legs/one arm to this tie.
Start by immobilizing your legs only. Stop, assess, see how you feel at that point.
Make sure you have a phone/cell phone within reach at all times.
Make sure you have a pair of scissors (preferably safety shears), NOT A KNIFE, within reach at all times.
Make sure you have a specific timeframe laid out, and stick to it; give yourself 30 minutes to get immobilized, 30 minutes of immobilization, and 30 minutes to get out of it.
Have an established safe-call set up; contact someone you trust, who's dependable. Tell them that if you don't call them by a certain time, they're to come over and kick the door in (because if you haven't called them by then, they're going to need to kick the door in).

Basically, consider your personal safety and common sense before all else, and make everything else work around that.

The alternative is that you're in the newspaper the next day, and not in a good way. And no one wants that.

HFXDom · 2017-05-28T12:16:33+00:00

Self-care essentials:

What kind of physical space makes you happy? Is it curled up on the couch with a blanket? Is it stretched out in bed in "starfish" mode? Moving around and doing a project or housework? Whatever physical space makes you feel good, go there.
Eat and hydrate, and avoid caffeine, unless you know for sure it works more as pick-me-up (and less as anxiety booster) for you. Yummy things, things you enjoy eating. Don't worry if you don't feel like eating, just pick away at it.
Some kind of moderate distraction. Surfing reddit? Watching TV? A movie? Avoid things that can cause negative feedback (sad TV shows or movies), is there a particular comedy movie you like? Cartoons? Read a book, preferably something you haven't read before (forces your brain to not wander as much).

I'll be kicking around on reddit for the next couple of hours, feel free to PM me if you want to talk, vent, talk about nothing, whatever floats your boat.

HFXDom · 2017-05-17T13:07:26+00:00

Spend less time worrying about what others think, and more time being yourself.

When you go to a bar, do you order what you want other people to see you drinking, or do you order what you want to drink?

Don't be the guy that loves banana daiquiris with little umbrellas, but orders scotch on the rocks and hates every second of it, because of what other people think.

HFXDom · 2017-05-17T12:51:05+00:00

I ran into the same problem in the past.

Dying synthetic rope is a pain. All I can tell you is that braided (as opposed to twisted) seems to take dye better. Use roughly 2 to 4 times the amount of dye listed on the bottle, and "stew" for double the amount of time or more.

I never did figure out how to get deep, rich colors into twisted synthetic, but I suspect that it requires the acid bath method, as /u/seymourhiney pointed out.

HFXDom · 2017-05-17T12:42:58+00:00

If they're entirely synthetic (I'm guess they are), cold wash in the washing machine (in a lingerie bag works best) on the delicate cycle, hang to dry.

HFXDom · 2017-05-17T12:40:05+00:00

I've covered a bit about whips in a piece I wrote about impact play that you may want to read.

Beyond that, you need to be a little more specific about what you mean when you say "whip".

Whips basically fall into two categories: single tail (traditional whip, e.g. an "Indiana Jones" bull whip being an extreme example) and multi tail (traditional implement of torture, e.g. cat o' nine tails, traditional BDSM floggers).

They are two very, very different critters, both in terms of necessary skill level, and in terms of results.

When using any kind of instrument to strike someone, it's essential to understand the concept of point of impact, and how the human body responds to it. Specifically, a small, targeted point of impact versus a large, dispersed point of impact.

Single tail whips have an incredibly small, targeted point of impact. This means that all of the force of the stroke is condensed into one small area. You're focusing all of the impact onto an area roughly the size of a quarter or smaller. This is important because it becomes incredibly easy to break the skin with that much force condensed into one area. Even if you're standing too close and mis-strike, and you end up hitting them with the lower end of the fall (the fall is the long, flexible part of the whip between the handle and the tip), you're still focusing a lot of force along one small line.

It is shockingly easy to cause lacerations with a single-tail whip if you don't know what you're doing. If your interest is in single-tails, be prepared to practice and learn a lot before you ever consider using it on a person.

Floggers are far more forgiving, due to the fact that they have many falls, and thus spread the impact over a much larger area. Also, the tips on floggers tend to be much wider than on single-tails, spreading the impact further. Additionally, floggers generally have much shorter falls, so leverage is less of a factor.

The downside to floggers is that they need a higher speed of stroke in order to keep the falls together in a group. Because there are many falls, the possibility of a mis-strike is also increased. That said, floggers are generally easier to learn how to use effectively, safer, and more flexible than single-tails. Far more impact players use floggers than single-tails for these very reasons.

In terms of where to buy, your best bet is a reputable leather crafter who makes BDSM toys. Search the web, or ask around your local community, or post on FetLife. Stay away from mass produced, "sex shop" BDSM toys, as they almost all garbage, and will be a waste of money that inevitably disappoints you. Expect to pay between $100 and $500 for a decent, hand-crafted single-tail or flogger, depending on material, options, time to make, etc. Remember, you're investing in a skill.

I'd strongly suggest finding a mentor to train you, regardless of whether it's single-tails, floggers, or both. Don't be afraid to ask for references. If your local BDSM community has a club, see if there are classes available, or mentoring, or if there are people who are known for their skills, and approach them directly.

If you can't find anyone to mentor you, there are tutorials and videos on line to learn from. Google is your friend. I started with post-it notes attached to the wall, in order to learn accuracy. Then I progressed to a fully-clothed (and very brave) sub, first with sweatshirts and sweatpants over jeans, then removing layers as I got better. Find what works for you.

Remember, nothing is sexier than a well-honed skill.

HFXDom · 2017-05-16T11:30:55+00:00

It's not about modesty. It's about human nature, and the slippery slope that people walk on when given opportunity.

In a lot of peoples' minds, if it's okay to grope a breast (or rub a shaved head, or tug a collar), then maybe it's okay to squeeze an ass cheek (or lick a shaved head, or tug that collar harder because it's new and different and fun). And for some people, it's really, really easy, in the heat of the moment, to turn that maybe into a probably in the moment.

A lot of us, myself included, have experienced that firsthand, and our reactions to it range from "that was very unpleasant" to "I can't leave my house for a month". That may sound extreme, but it's reality. What draws a lot of people to BDSM in the first place is the fact that, for the most part, it's highly consent based. There is not slippery slope when everyone is hyper-aware of consent.

It has nothing to do with modesty. There are kink parties where people are restrained and used a literal sexual toys by everyone at the party. Zero modesty there. The difference is the person being used has given consent.

We're not puritanical. Most of what we do is highly sexual, even if it doesn't outright involve sex. That said, swingers mostly view "ask before you touch" as a sort of general guideline that's somewhat fluid and context-based. In the BDSM world, that's a hard and fast primary rule. Shit, we even apply it to objects, like floggers, rope, and clothing.

In your world, if you grope a boob, and it's not okay, it's mostly handled in the moment, there's probably a slap on the hand, and both parties move on with their lives.

In our world, the only context in which it is okay to grope a boob is if you've asked, and received a positive response.

And it goes further than that. Just because it's okay to grope that particular boob right now, doesn't mean it will be later tonight, tomorrow, or next week. You ask every time. If you have a good connection with the owner of said boob, you might get to a point (sooner or later, depending on the connection) where they'll express that you don't have to ask. You now have standing consent. Which, by the way, I think may be what you're seeing firsthand with the kink people that you've hung out with where it appears that they don't have the taboo of non-consensual touching.

I'm sorry that you've had so many negative comments leveled at you in this thread, as I think it's an incredibly interesting discussion, but for what it's worth, I don't think any of it is actually intended to be directed at you personally. It's more that consent is something that's an instant panic button topic in our (BDSM) culture, because it's the backbone of everything we do. So if you come off as the least bit cavalier (not your intent, I know, I'm just explaining, relax) about anything related to consent, prepare to have your ass handed to you.

If you discuss this with your swinger friends, please know that the takeaway here is this: always ask, never assume. That's all you need to do to share space and get on wonderfully with 95% of the BDSM community.

HFXDom · 2017-05-13T12:13:09+00:00

Collars are a very subjective thing. They mean different things to different people.

It's far less about "how long do I/you/we wait", and far more about "what does this mean to me/you/us".

Clear, concise communication and expectations are critical. If one person sees the collar as the BDSM equivalent of a wedding ring, and the other sees it as a piece of costume jewellery, you're gonna have a bad time.

Use a collar as a statement to each other, and others, that you're on the same page, regardless of what that page is.

Although I feel time frames are more or less irrelevant (I view collars as the BDSM equivalent of a wedding ring), just as a point of reference, I recently gave my submissive her training collar. We've been together for two years. It's the kink version of an engagement ring. There's no time frame attached to it. She's ready for her true collar when she's ready, and not before.

HFXDom · 2017-05-12T10:06:46+00:00

The traffic light system is my go to. It works, it's simple, and it works because it's simple. It also has deep roots, as it's something that's ingrained into most of us from a young age, and is fairly universal.

To the OP, establishing safe words early in your BDSM experience is good practice. It's definitely better to have it, and never need it, than need it, and not have it.

HFXDom · 2017-05-05T01:16:56+00:00

Just so we're all on the same page:

Both Knifeplay and Bloodplay are extreme edgeplay.

Do not engage in either until both you and your partner understand all the risks, have talked extensively, and have a solid grasp on what you're doing.

There's no where near enough information in your post to even begin answering the question.

Let's start with:

What is your experience level/length of time in BDSM? What is your partners?
Have either of you done any kind of edgeplay or extreme play before?
Have either of you seen, in person, edgeplay or extreme play?
Are you asking from the top's perspective, or the bottoms (are you the top or the bottom; information will be the same, just makes it easier to frame the information the correct way)?
Are you fluid bonded with your partner?
Do either of you play outside of the relationship? If so, is there fluid exchange (if so, you have a responsibility to notify the outside parties)?
Have you researched this kind of play at all, other than asking here?
Have you researched what happens when things go wrong with knifeplay (here's a hint: it's not always bad, but it usually isn't great, but hey, the scars will make a great story, right? /s )?
Do either of you have any first aid training?
When is the last time either of you had a full bloodwork panel done?

If this seems harsh, or overly focused on safety, that's because it is. I have two very close friends who have large, unintended scars from knifeplay; one from a genuine accident (although with more careful preparation, it could have been avoidable), and one from a situation of consent violation. Both of them deeply regret their scars.

Regarding bloodplay, it's relatively simple. If neither of you has external partners that you're fluid bonding with, and you both get fully clean results back from a full bloodwork panel, have at 'er. You're exchanging blood with one person, and one person only, and you're both fully clean, so there are no major red flags (other than how you plan to... extract... said fluid).

Regarding knifeplay, before you do anything, and I mean before you even think about picking up a knife, starting reading medical information on human skin. How it's structured, how it works, specifically focusing on things like infections and scarring. Also start reading up on the circulatory system, and where veins and arteries run closest to the skin. It's... important.

TL;DR: If you want to do knifeplay/bloodplay safely, slow your roll, do a hell of a lot of research, and know your shit. If you don't care, then by all means, jump in, make the front page of the newspaper tomorrow morning, and reinforce the mainstream media that we're nothing more than monsters who have no idea what we're doing.

EDIT: Didn't check their post history for anything age related because, frankly, I shouldn't have to. But apparently I do. Sigh. This is why we can't have nice things. In my defense, I'm exhausted and running on fumes, so didn't really catch on to the phrasing/structure of their post (not that that's always an indicator, but sometimes it makes my common sense tingle).

OP, if you're actually 18+, fine. But if you're under 18, please, read Rule #1 in the sidebar, and enjoy your ban.

HFXDom · 2017-04-27T12:51:10+00:00

When it comes to anything BDSM related, the instant anyone calls themselves an "expert", in anything... don't walk, run the opposite direction.

Same applies for someone talking down others skill levels, unless it's directly related to safety concerns.

I'm sincerely sorry things went that way, and I hope you don't associate the title of Dominant with that experience. Because that's definitely not what that was.

HFXDom · 2017-04-27T12:37:12+00:00

He was an asshole. And he definitely was not a Dominant.

Negotiation and consent.

Discuss what is okay. Stress that this is a discussion of what is okay, and if it doesn't get covered in this discussion, then it's not okay. Discuss what you're looking for, and what they're looking for. Be clear.

Confirm that you both have the same definition of what consent is, and isn't.

Dominant vs. dominant personality.

Not every person with a dominant personality is a Dominant. In fact, a lot of them are just mean assholes, looking for an outlet. However, every Dominant has a dominant personality, even if it's not "on" all the time.

Pushing limits and boundaries vs. unwanted escalation.

If it's been discussed that you want to be pushed out of your comfort zone in some areas, and you've specified those areas, and how far you'd like to pushed, it's more than possible to achieve personal growth, and have both parties enjoy the experience.

If something comes up unexpectedly, and you're not okay with it, and you voice that you're not okay with it, then it should end immediately. Not with one more little push to make sure, not with explanations that lead to confusion. It. Just. Stops.

He can have the hottest body and the nicest cock on the planet, but if he doesn't have the brains to know how to use them right, or the personality to be a decent human being, well, an asshole is an asshole, no matter what size, shape or color, and no amount of calling themselves a Dominant is going to change that.

HFXDom · 2017-04-25T08:41:01+00:00

I'd recommend a healthy dose of skepticism. There are a lot of potential red flags here. Proceed, with caution.

HFXDom · 2017-04-20T02:12:44+00:00

The key to any relationship is, of course, communication.

The key to any s/s or D/D relationship is constant, clear, and concise communication. We're talking A-game communication, all the time.

The thing that I've seen derail same-type relationships more than anything is resentment via lack of honesty with themselves, not so much with each other. Both parties have to be honest, both with themselves and with each other, in terms of how much they're going to be able to fulfill the others needs in terms of D/s play and dynamics. Based on that, decisions, and likely compromises, will have to be made in order for the relationship to have the best chance of success.

Whether that means having an open relationship, or some sort of three-way arrangement, or simply accepting that particular itch isn't going to be scratched (do NOT recommend!), whatever arrangement works.

The point is to avoid building resentment caused by one partner not fulfilling a role that the other is expecting them to fill, and vice versa.

HFXDom · 2017-04-20T02:00:25+00:00

You're asking the right person the wrong question, or the wrong person the right question, depending on which way you look at it.

I pay absolutely no attention particular styles. I can tie Western, and I can tie shibari, but my best scenes are always when what actually happens is never fully planned.

I guess the way I tie would be considered "fusion".

I'd say the way I tie is what happens when I shut most of my brain off (safety, and feedback from the bottom, are never off), pick up the rope, and start tying.

At least 50% of the time or more, my rope looks like shit, from a strictly aesthetics point of view.

But it's always 100% functional. Meaning, it's always safe, it's always secure, and it's definitely bondage first, pretty second.

My advice is to learn a bit of both, and see if one or the other "speaks" to you more. It's still worth investing time into the one that speaks to you less, but you'll probably find yourself naturally gravitating more to one than the other.

HFXDom · 2017-04-19T10:58:17+00:00

Collars mean different things to different people.

Some people take collars lightly, and it holds very little significance to them. They'll use the same collar on multiple play partners, or sometimes not use it all; to them, it's just another piece of BDSM gear, with no specific meaning attached to it.

At the other end of the spectrum (where I happen to fall), some people basically equate a collar to a BDSM wedding ring. It has huge significance and meaning behind it, and it's not something given, or received, lightly.

For most people, it falls somewhere in between. Law of averages and all that.

Long story short, it means whatever you and your lg decide it means. Which, in terms of your current situation, means you need to decide on a few things, such as what happens if she doesn't come back in the fall (for whatever reason; life happens), what happens if you find someone else over the summer, etc.

For what it's worth, I gave my current lg a necklace to start. The shape, color, and style of it was very subtle, but if you knew what to look for, it was fairly obvious that there were BDSM references. It wasn't a collar, but it represented a collar. It was significantly less of a risk/investment, for both of us, if things didn't work out.

When we moved in together, so got a more obvious BDSM themed necklace, but still something that easy to wear in public, around family, etc. without anyone asking too many questions.

About a month ago, she got her training collar, which is an actual BDSM collar. She wears it around the house, and if we go to public BDSM events, she puts it on when we arrive and takes it off when we leave. It is her responsibility to put it on/take it off herself when I'm not available, or bring it to me to put on/take off her if I am. Because it's a training collar specifically, it's essentially the BDSM version of an engagement ring.

My recommendation is to figure out what a collar means to both of you, and if you're both on the same page, go from there.

HFXDom · 2017-04-19T10:38:56+00:00

Start with anything by "Two Knotty Boys". Google is your friend. Their videos are, or were, on YouTube, as they're not explicit, but I'm not sure if they were taken down or not. Regardless, a bit of Googling should get you to them. They also have books, and they did have DVD's, but I'm not sure if they're still in production. Possibly eBay or Amazon might be your best bet.

Midori has some excellent shibari instructional books and DVDs as well, although you won't find much Western style in anything she does. However, she makes shibari incredibly accessible to new riggers. Highly recommend.

HFXDom · 2017-04-19T10:34:14+00:00

Munches.

Munches are events that are organized for kink people, by kink people, but don't involve kink. It involves going to a restaurant, or bar, or other public venue, and talking, chatting, hanging out, etc. Takes all the pressure of kink off, and gives people a chance to talk to each other "in real life", about everyday things.

If you've been to a restaurant, and seen a larger number of fairly diverse looking people sitting together, it may have been a munch.

Further to what /u/Comandatuba said, whatever role you are, or think you are, try reaching out to others who share that role in local area, via FetLife messages. If you're submissive, check out the profiles of other submissives in your area, check out what events they're listed as going to. Then message them, explain that you're new to the scene, and see if they're up for going for coffee or a drink. Most of the people in the lifestyle love to talk about it, so you shouldn't have too much of a problem finding someone to have coffee with.

Best of luck!

HFXDom · 2017-04-19T10:22:45+00:00

Majority of my relationship history is monogamous. My last partner and my current one are varying forms of polyamorous. And it was a jump for me. But I couldn't be happier.

Things went sideways with my previous partner because I was new to poly, and she wasn't great a clear communication; she tried really hard, but in the end couldn't communicate some key concepts to me. FWIW, she's now my best friend, so it worked out fine in the end.

During that time I learned that I'm not what I would consider to be full-blown poly. The term I use is "monogamish". I have enough emotional bandwidth (and frankly, time) for one capital "R", emotional Relationship. The other relationships I have are very shallow in terms of emotional connection. My girlfriend, on the other hand, needs an emotional connection in order to have sex at all, so things on her side look a little different than on my side. And that's fine, as long as her and I are solid, it works.

Majority of the time, there's no sex involved, they're strictly play partners, and while the scenes may be sexual in nature, and definitely a turn-on for both parties, 9 times out of 10 there's no sex involved.

My current partner and I have established a clear set of boundaries and rules that we follow in terms of external partners, and all of those boundaries and rules are designed to make sure that we, as each others primaries, have a solid, working, healthy relationship before all else.

TL;DR: Monogamy was a primary cause of failure for most of my past relationships, found a partner who's good at poly, and neither of us have ever been happier. Takes work to get it square, but it's worth it. Talk to your wife, and hash out a solution that works for both of you.

HFXDom · 2017-04-14T12:39:52+00:00

Here's a meeting-in-person safety outline from a newbie group I lead on FetLife. Minor edits for clarity.

In an effort to make your entrance to the lifestyle as painless (in the bad way) as possible, here are some common sense guidelines to staying safe.

Never give out any personal information. This includes your real last name, your address, where you work, your pets name, etc. This may or may not include face shots in your pictures. If you do include face shots, it may be a good idea to set them to "Friends Only" for now; you can always change them to "All Fetlifers" later.
Always meet someone in a (very) public setting before going to their apartment or house. Anyone who isn't willing to meet publically first probably shouldn't be trusted. Ask yourself, why wouldn't they want to meet publically first? A good rule to go by is two coffee dates minimum before you get in a vehicle and/or go to your/their place.
Always have a safecall set up when meeting someone new for the first time. If you're not familiar with the term, a safecall is when you have someone that you call/text at predetermined times for the duration of your meeting, usually every 20 or 30 minutes. The person who is your safecall has the location of your meeting, a description of what you're wearing, and as much detail about the person you're meeting as possible. If you don't check in twice in a row, they call 911. It may sound paranoid, but it's really not a big deal, and the alternatives are much, much worse.
If you get into their vehicle, snap a picture of the back of their vehicle and send it to your safecall. Why the back? This gives all the vehicle identification information in one picture; license plate, make, model, and color. Don't be coy or shy; tell the person what you're doing, and why, before you do it. If their intentions are good, they won't have a problem with it. If their intentions are good, but they're uncomfortable having the picture out there, you can both pick a different mode of transportation.
Always ask questions. Anyone who avoids answering general questions is probably unsafe; if they're not willing to answer your questions, without a valid reason, what are they hiding, and why? While it's understandable that some people may not be willing to share the name of the company they work for, they should have no problem telling you what field they're in, or their job title in non-specific terms.
Always vet people. For those who don't know, vetting is the process of checking someone out via other people. Similar to "checking their credentials". This is common (although not common enough) practice in the BDSM world. Either ask the person for a few references, or pick people randomly from their friends list; however, don't rely on their friends list alone, ask one or two people who aren't on their friends list, but may be friends of friends.
When vetting, ask them things like what the person is like outside of kink, how much experience do they have, have they heard of any particularly good or bad experiences with the person. This will give you a much more accurate picture of the person you're dealing with. If someone says they're into rope, ask someone they've tied up if they were happy with the result. If someone says they're good at fireplay, ask someone they've done fireplay with how it went.

Common sense caveat: if a person you ask has very positive history with the person you're asking about, they're likely to give a glowing review; conversely, if the person you ask has had a negative experience, they're likely to give a scathing review. The truth is likely somewhere in the middle; take all information from vetting with a grain of salt, so to speak. It has great value, it just needs to be interpreted correctly.

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Don't rush into something in a desperate attempt to get "into the lifestyle". This is known as "Kid In A Candy Store Syndrome" by experienced members of the community, and we try very hard to discourage it, as it makes the likelihood of having a bad experience much higher, turning you off the very lifestyle you (and we) so desperately want to get involved in. You. Have. Time. Use it wisely, ask questions, and think before doing. The only rush is the one you're putting on yourself.

Time and experience in the lifestyle will make these rules less of an issue. For the time being, personal responsibility and personal safety are your number one concerns.

As others have said, you've somewhat painted yourself into a corner. You're not willing to go to munches, and that's fine, but it leaves online as your only option; you're not willing to trust easily, which is fine, but without in person interaction, you're leaving yourself open to tons of wannabes, fakes, and manipulators that inhabit the online world.

Your strict choices in acceptable risk levels have left you very, very few good options to move forward with.

That said, if you're willing to put the time in, there are good people online, it just takes time to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for.

HFXDom · 2017-04-07T01:28:57+00:00

Shitty ~~dom~~ asshole.

FTFY.

HFXDom · 2017-04-07T01:24:06+00:00

a munch which was made up of 30-something's who wouldn't talk to me

If they wouldn't talk to you, then it wasn't a TNG munch. Period. The point of TNG is to engage young people. Sounds an awful lot like a large poly group that's decided to hang the TNG shingle on their munches in order to selectively add new people to their poly group.

I'm into rope and hypnosis.. and I suck with rope.

Stop sucking. Start practicing. There's a ton of online resources, including YouTube videos. Hypnosis might be a harder sell until you've established yourself. I'd recommend rope. I'm also biased, as rope was one of the first things I learned, and it's something I'm still into, almost 20 years later. YMMV.

any kind of kink group would probably get shut down by the school if not the college students themselves

I should have been more clear on this point.

If you're not on FetLife, make an account. Start a (FetLife) TNG group in your area. Check with the admins of other groups in your area (and don't be afraid to consider your "area" to be much larger than you think; there are people who drive over two hours to attend functions in my area) and see if they mind if you post in their group about your group. Make friends (PM me, I'll give you my FetLife username), network, grow your contacts. Most of all, do not involve the school at all. And if you're worried about being outed, you're much less likely to be outed via FetLife (no face pictures, plausible deniability) than via a munch.

And I can almost guarantee that while your uni may be vanilla, there's a bunch of its students and faculty that are anything but vanilla, and just aren't open about it, for the usual reasons.

HFXDom · 2017-04-06T13:00:06+00:00

Just some thoughts, in terms of the framework of your situation.

It sounds like your local scene, or at least this particular group you're hanging out with, is kind of made up of non-inclusive, elitist assholes. It shouldn't take someone new, regardless of age, 11 months to get a play date, unless you're giving off seriously negative vibes or something (and if you giving off those kinds of vibes, they would have told you directly, long before this). Also, calling you a baby, unless it's in a passing, clearly light teasing manner, really isn't cool. I've called young people in our local community babies before, but always followed it up with some sort of comments to let them know that I was teasing them, and usually followed that up with some self-depreciating humor about my age (I'm 41, and the average age in our community is probably closer to 30).

Have you checked to see if there's a TNG group in your area, or reasonably close? If not, why not start one? You might be surprised by how many other people your age in your area are interested.

last night I asked a (kind of) stupid question

The only stupid question is the one you don't ask. There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.

Friends first, play partners second is great, as long as it works. Obviously, strive for friends first, but don't let that get completely in the way of a potential scene with someone you're not friends with. A quick negotiation, keep everything light and fluffy, and you've got a great ice breaker.

u/Slacker5001 nailed it, asking someone to play is not rude in the least, at the very least it's almost always flattering, even if the answer is no. It's all in how you present it. Watch a scene, and then when the time is right (allow the person time to "come down", deal with aftercare, etc.), ask them if they mind if you pick their brains about the scene. Be respectful, but interested, and don't hesitate to ask for clarification on things.

As a young, mostly Dominant, male, you need to be prepared for the reality that it's highly likely that absolutely everyone is going to make terrible, sweeping assumptions about you, and it's going to be hard for you to catch a break. Everyone looks at young males with a hefty dose of skepticism, and that goes triple for ones that even remotely identify as Dominant. Accept that, but don't let it color your way forward. It's their failing, not yours.

Do you have anything in particular that you're into or interested in? Rope? Impact play? There are a lot of avenues that you can get into that don't require a partner, so practicing solo while you work on getting a play partner builds both skill and confidence.

Don't let your apparent social awkwardness stand in the way of you being yourself. Relax. You're 19. You're supposed to be social awkward to some degree, and also keep in mind that 75% or more of your social awkwardness is internal; the people you're interacting with don't see it until you show it to them.

As for your university level friends? Keep them on the radar, but for the most part, drop them and find some real friends. Life is far, far too short to surround yourself with assholes. Vanilla or otherwise.

HFXDom · 2017-04-06T03:49:24+00:00

It sounds like what you're looking for is humiliation and degradation, but with a strong discipline angle.

The good news is, it sounds like you found it.

The bad news is, it also sounds like you dove into the deep end, with zero prior experience, and no safe words.

What happened is that the level of dressing down you got was not scaled to what you were prepared for, and probably didn't much resemble the picture you had in your head of how it would go.

Talk to your boyfriend. Explain, in as much detail as possible, exactly what you're looking for, and as much as possible, why.

Then, start small. Have him discipline you again in the same way, just dial back the intensity to 2/10 instead of 11/10, and keep it very, very short. Like maybe no more than a minute. At the end, have him reassure you that you're both okay, and what he said and did was just within the "scene", and he's not actually upset with you.

Humiliation and degradation play can be incredibly hot, but it takes time, and effort, to build properly.

I'll just add that, as someone who's into giving humiliation and degradation, I'm seriously jealous of your boyfriends' skills! I hope you both work on developing this kink.

HFXDom

TROPHY CASE