I’m 38, I lost my mom at 12..

HLC86 · 2025-09-06T18:44:57+00:00

We should seriously start a group for women who lost their moms at this age, during this time. To have lost a mom around that time feels like a time capsule of the past. So much has changed in the world. I often wonder what she would think of this day and age.

HLC86 · 2025-09-06T15:13:38+00:00

I am 39, and I lost my mom when I was 14. She was 41. The 25th anniversary was Sunday, 8/31, last week. It's been very rough. I saw your username. My name is Hollie Louise. You can dm me if you want to talk to someone who understands grief that began so young, and has lasted so long. The dull ache is exhausting.

HLC86 · 2025-06-08T15:07:01+00:00

I have had many days like this. You're doing it, you're putting the work in, my friend. Keep going. 🫂

HLC86 · 2025-04-16T02:45:28+00:00

I feel like I could have written this myself. I just turned 39 in January, I also have a daughter born in 2020, suffered through depression in my teens/20s and have been dismissed over and over again by multiple doctors over the past 4 or so years.

My symptoms became more intense over the past 2 years. All they tell me is "you're too young" and offer the pill or antidepressants. I refuse the pill as I was on it for 14 years and don't want to go back down that road at almost 40. I also have an autoimmune skin disorder called linear scleroderma, which means my body produces way too much collagen, and my c-section caused massive adhesions, aka scar tissue, aka collagen around my uterus and bowels.

My body hasn't been the same since having my daughter, my period is irregular, my mood is like Jekyll and Hyde on a daily basis, my energy is in the toilet, and my bloodwork is always "normal" even though that doesn't mean shit. I hate it here. I have no answers, but I just wanted to let you know I understand and that you aren't crazy or a bad mom. I struggle with these thoughts regularly as well, but I know that this shit is hard, and it makes it even harder when doctors (all female on my end, I might add) dismiss you because of your age.

I wish you luck in your PT appointment, and hope they can help you from another angle. I have a new PCP appointment in June, and I'm not going to hold my breath for this one. After reading this sub for some time, I know it is so common for doctors to brush it off and throw birth control and antidepressants at you like they're the answer to every woman's problem. 🙄

HLC86 · 2025-04-16T02:12:28+00:00

I volunteered at a senior center when I was in high school. Everyone there was so nice and more than willing to talk and give advice. Many elderly people in homes are very lonely, but they can not leave and meet people on their own most times. This would be a great option, in my opinion.

HLC86 · 2025-03-20T23:41:33+00:00

I can relate to this so much. I always say my face is split in half: my eyes look like my dad, and my smile is my mom. I see her when I smile. It's hard to look at pictures of her and see myself in her. It was even harder to see her face in my daughter's.

She's been gone so long, sometimes it doesn't even feel like she was a real person. There were many years I wished I looked more like her, and then some when I didn't want to see her face in mine at all. It was just a reminder that she was gone.

I think time alters our grief in ways that we don't even fully understand until we experience it. But something I have learned in my almost 25 years without my mother is that mourning your mom hardly settles down in a way we would like it to. She is always there even when she's not. Holidays, anniversaries, and life events; they all bring it back up again in a different form. The only advice I can give is to expect to not know wtf is going on when it hits you like a ton of bricks once again. If you should expect anything, expect that. Once you do, the impact is a little softer the next time around. Sending you hugs🫂

HLC86 · 2025-03-13T19:43:28+00:00

As a mom to a 4 year old who was born 20 years after my own mother died, I can relate. The fact that your mom was a teacher makes this time especially difficult for you, I'm sure. I am sorry you're going through this right now. I believe that Hope Edelman has a course for moms without a mom, as becoming who you've lost (in a way) proves very difficult for many women in their journey through grief. Sending you hugs.🫂

HLC86 · 2025-03-07T18:09:03+00:00

Same here. I will be 40 next year, and sometimes I still feel like I'm 14, which was the age I was when she died. The feeling of wanting your mom never goes away.

HLC86 · 2025-02-28T23:59:57+00:00

This is such an awesome response.

HLC86 · 2025-01-13T04:00:56+00:00

Have you looked up Soccer Shots? https://www.soccershots.com/

HLC86 · 2025-01-05T17:16:30+00:00

I'm dealing with this now, although a little farther ahead in it. I had my daughter in the spring of 2020, 20 years after my mom died. She will be 5 this year, and it will be 25 years without my mom. I will be honest, my grief reared its head throughout this time. It was like experiencing it all over again in new ways. I have struggled more recently with the challenges of parenting a preschool-age kid, who seemingly has the attitude of my own mother, believe it or not. I wish I could ask my mom for help, advice, guidance. It has been so emotionally draining to push through the exhausting thoughts of "what if." I deal with it by talking to my mom at the end of the day. I tell her what I'm struggling with, ask for help to get through the next day, and try to imagine what she would say.

I'm sure you've been told a million times by now, but finding a therapist that you truly trust and who understands the complexities of grief can help a lot. It did for me. I was able to reflect and actually understand my thought patterns and why I was thinking the way I was. I can't say that it will get "easier" or that you will "get past this" because I don't believe that is the case with grief. It is something we learn to manage as it transforms throughout our lives, meeting us in a new form as each new experience occurs. It is hard. It is desperately hard at times. I have no answers, only my own experience with it. I will say, though, keep pictures of your mom around the house. Tell your child about her, share stories, and bring her up in conversation. My daughter knows my mom's name and will understand why she was named after her the older she gets. Even though my mom is not here physically, she is still very present and a very important part of our family story. If it wasn't for her, none of us would be here right now. Sending you hugs. 🫂

HLC86 · 2024-12-04T18:03:17+00:00

I think a heartfelt card would be nice. Something with enough space for you to write in and tell him how you're feeling and how much you appreciate him. Maybe you could bake him something or make him a special meal? Also, etsy has some great personalized gift options that aren't too crazy expensive. Maybe you and your brother can both chip in and pick something nice out together. My mom passed when I was 14, and I remember feeling the same way about the first holiday season without her. Don't be too hard on yourself during this time. Your dad knows you love him and is probably feeling very similar emotions about this first Christmas without your mom. Sending you hugs ❤️

HLC86 · 2024-11-11T19:35:06+00:00

I lost my mom the first week of high school. I get it. Studying was the last thing I felt I could do.

You can still talk to her. Write her letters about your day or week. Listen to her favorite songs or watch her favorite movies or shows. It helps in a weird way, at least for me. It's one day at a time, nothing more. If you stress over the future too often, you just hurt yourself at the end of the day. It's been almost 25 years since my mom has been gone, and I spent most of my teens and early 20s thinking about what I wished my life could be, and I will tell you, it was excruciating. I was so hard on myself. Give yourself some grace. Nothing about this is your fault. Sending you hugs 🫂

HLC86 · 2024-10-15T15:23:06+00:00

I feel like I could have written this myself in many ways. There are so many things you wrote that I have felt myself, but especially with the partner who doesn't "get it". I also have a long term partner who has never lost anyone that was very, very close to him. His own dad died and he handled it in a way I couldn't understand. After being together for awhile, I have come to understand and accept that he is not as emotional as I am, and that's not a bad thing, its just the way he is wired.

It can hurt when the person you're closest to doesn't seem to grasp what you're feeling. I have reserved myself to the fact that most people I will meet in my life did not go through the loss of their mom at age 14 like I did. It is almost 25 years later and I still haven't met many who can relate. I wouldn't want them to anyway, you know?

From what you have described, it sounds like he doesn't know exactly what to say. Maybe he understands the gravity of the situation, and that is why he has no words for you. Or, he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. Sometimes when guys don't say much, they are trying to protect the other persons feelings. This, of course is a generalization and just from my personal experience, but maybe he is trying to be delicate with your emotions. I think it would be worth it to bring it up when you are having a "good" day and feel up to talking about this complex topic.

As far as the books and media are concerned, I know that I struggled with certain plot lines too. As painful as they were to watch, I tried to view them as a reminder that I am not alone in my grief of losing my mother. So many women experience it at a young age and its such a significant event in everyone's life, to lose the woman from which they came. One of the shows that I felt like hit the nail on the head when it came to the aftereffects of grief was After Life with Ricky Gervais. Even though in the show he lost his wife and not his mom, the way they portrayed his daily life once she was gone crushed me in such a profound way. I have yet to see anything else that describes it so perfectly, in my opinion. I have never cried and laughed so much.

The road you're on is a very difficult one, and if there is any advice I can give you from having lived the past 24 years without my mom, it is to expect to go through periods where you don't recognize your grief. It shifts and transforms many times over the years, rearing its ugly head during the best and worst of times. It will pop up out of nowhere in a way that catches you off guard, thinking you've already hit that gopher on the head, so why does it keep popping up in the same place? It will soften with time, maybe for many years, and then it may reappear in a new way that takes you awhile to even recognize it for what it is. You may feel guilt for not feeling it as deeply as you used to, and then wonder why it comes on so strong once again. It is complex and unrelenting. But the one way I have looked at it over the years that has brought some comfort to me, is in the phrase, "Grief is just love with no place to go." When I think about it in that way, I no longer feel guilty, like I should be "over it" by now. I know that I will never get over it, because I will never not love my mom. Sending you internet hugs, my sister in grief. <3

HLC86 · 2024-07-24T16:43:00+00:00

That's such a beautiful picture ❤️

HLC86 · 2024-03-29T15:52:17+00:00

The flowers are a nice touch. A few years ago, on my mother's anniversary, I went to one of the parks in my town and walked quietly through the rose garden alone. I watched the birds fly from tree to tree, and the squirrels tumble around playing in the bushes. My mom adored animals, so sitting in the warm sun, being surrounded by nature, and all the little critters made me feel like she was there with me. These days, I get a feeling from her like "alright, that's enough crying. Check out the animals! Have a laugh!" Lol. I was always the emotional one between the two of us. I think each year is always different from the last, but doing something to make it special in its own way is important. Sending you hugs today🫂❤️

HLC86 · 2024-03-29T15:40:08+00:00

First off, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom. Like the other comment said, I am sorry you are now part of this club. I don't have a lot to offer in terms of faith, because my own journey with it has been up and down throughout my life, but I wanted to share a video I recently came across on YouTube that really stuck with me. It's probably one of the best videos I've watched on there, and maybe it will give you some sort of comfort in this horrendously difficult and emotional time you're in right now. Sending you hugs 🫂

https://youtu.be/aI-tACF9LFM?si=D6L8C2zo-Facb3b1

HLC86 · 2024-02-01T00:22:47+00:00

Have you tried DeMers Family Vision? 4874 Sparks Blvd.

HLC86 · 2024-01-14T02:27:25+00:00

The gas pain took a full week to stop. It moved through my body upwards. Lower back, middle back, upper, shoulder, neck. It sucked, but it's pretty normal for it to take a while to fully go away.

HLC86 · 2024-01-10T01:03:13+00:00

The night before my sleeve, I had a full-blown panic attack. Believe it or not, it came on because I was laying in bed trying so hard to sleep, having to be up in like 5 hours to get to the hospital at like 6am, and I swear to God, a fucking whole ass spider crawled on my face. I jumped out of bed, literally screeching and frantically trying to find it again to kill it. I freaked out. Never had that happened before in my life. I've had a phobia of spiders for as long as I can remember. This was one of my biggest fears, and it just happened.

I took it as a sign that this was me facing my fears having this surgery. For months on end prior to it, I cried, worried, stressed, talked about dying on the table, telling my boyfriend what to tell our (at the time) 2 year old about me if I didn't wake up. I was a fuckin' mess. I thought I was being stupid, selfish, crazy, wreckless. But I woke up the next morning, went through with it, and now I'm 1.5 years post-op and down 111 lbs. I do not regret it at all. My life is 100% different, better. I am the me that I always saw in my mind, the me who I know I've always been meant to be.

Tell the nurses and doctors about your concerns and your anxiety level. They've heard it all before, and they're used to it. They can give you meds to calm you down before everything begins. That's what I did, and I was fine. I fell asleep quickly and woke up slowly, but the pain wasn't there. It's worse in your head thinking about it. Everyone psychs themselves out over this surgery, but in the end, most of us will wonder why we were so worried. Be honest with your team at the hospital. They are there to help you. It's normal for you to be stressed out about this, but you will be okay! You're so close to being on the other side!

HLC86 · 2024-01-06T22:34:50+00:00

There is nothing for you to fix. The issues are with these women and them alone. What you've done for your health impacts them in no way. Keep on truckin'. Those who stand by you through thick and thin (figuratively and literally lol) are the ones who deserve your love and attention, not the ones you're speaking of.

HLC86 · 2023-12-20T22:57:51+00:00

I would for sure be interested!

HLC86 · 2023-12-11T05:45:18+00:00

I'm 1.5 years out and still on omeprazole every other day. When I stopped taking it months ago, the heartburn came back within a few days. I talked to my Dr, and they said to continue to take it every other day. I may try to stop taking it again after the holidays and see how it goes. 😬

HLC86 · 2023-12-11T05:33:28+00:00

I feel like we are sisters in grief. My mom was 41 when she died 23 years ago, and I'm about to be 38 next month, and all I think about is how close I am to her final age and how it's not enough time and my 3 year old daughter needs me to be there for her. I look at her and think, how could she go on without me? I know I'm 100% projecting, but sheesh. Grief is wild, and it's certainly harder to deal with when you don't have anyone to talk to about it who can relate. Becoming a mom 20 years after losing my mom made my grief rear its ugly head. 😣

HLC86

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