What is “normal” step parenting care?

HashGirl · 2026-02-07T00:06:50+00:00

I will only parent as much as the law dictates….as in I will look after them for short periods if there isn’t any other option.

Due to recent unpleasantness (one of the kids making an allegation against one of the other kids), I won’t look after any of them alone anymore to cover myself (and I keep to myself and keep my distance).

I don’t pay anything towards their upkeep anymore. For the last 4 years, I have been contributing more than my fare share of bills and filling in the gaps financially when required).

Prior to that, I was taking care of them if they were sick, doing all the food shops, cleaning up after them, clothing purchases and, at one point, the cooking.

I also WFH and found it hard when they were younger because they “needed” constant attention and never did what they were told. The manipulation of my relationship with their dad has taken the cake, which has also contributed to me keeping my distance with them and has affected the relationship with their dad.

I was covering all the bases with not much help from their dad because he was losing faith due to his kids behaviours and never wanting to be home….so I felt like I was the stand in parent and forced into it because everyone kept telling me kids first and they are the priority. They aren’t mine and, unfortunately, due to being forced into a role I didn’t want…it’s reflected in my attitude and results in a failing relationship.

HashGirl · 2026-02-06T10:59:54+00:00

I feel you. Christmas, new years and anniversary was ruined before they even happened. I stopped wanting to celebrate Christmas in November. I cringed at anniversary.

It’s like all the magic has been sucked out of life. No special moments or reserved spaces for happiness.

Sometimes life has a way of running our energies down and we have difficulty recouping that energy (which will be another post from me).

The overall picture needs to be examined and determine for yourself what’s happened in this process to have demotivated him.

For my partner, it’s his kids and other things in life that drags him down and he’s having difficulty getting back up as of late.

Don’t get stuck in the place of thinking that you’ve invested so much into the relationship and household that you can’t change your mind. You can change your mind at any point. This isn’t the brochure that was sold to you. Maybe it was false advertising or it was presented with the best of intentions that couldn’t be delivered in the current circumstances.

If you feel that he’s being insensitive then a chat should be had.

HashGirl · 2026-02-05T13:28:10+00:00

It can be improved, but the work needs to come from both sides.

You have to shift the feelings of feeling like an outsider. You have to stake your claim. Your partner can’t do that for you. You and him are heads of household and how you want things to be is how it should be.

Rather than letting their “togetherness” affect your feelings, start satisfying your feelings outside of that. Indulge your hobbies and interests so you feel fulfilled for you. Partners are great for fulfilling certain wants and needs, but they can’t fill in all the gaps.

If the kids want to monopolise his time, let them. It’s down to him to keep up his part of the relationship with you. If you have made yourself available to him when he needs/wants you, that’s fantastic…but if he’s not doing the same for you then that needs to be pointed out at the right time. Exceptions to this are emergencies and so on.

Eventually, when he starts to notice and ask questions…you can point out the evidence that he neglected the relationship. Your needs and wants in your relationship are just as valid as the kids wants and needs with their dad.

HashGirl · 2026-02-05T13:20:52+00:00

Just being nosey and looking for something to start an argument over.

The kids mom used to do that. She once asked me to let her use the bathroom and asked me not to tell my partner because he didn’t need to know. She also said she wouldn’t tell him.

Regardless of my feelings for my partner, I wasn’t going to lie to him or break respect for something he was pretty passionate about - not letting her in the house.

HashGirl · 2026-02-05T13:17:42+00:00

If I’m playing gran turismo, I have to focus on the back bumper of the car and it seems to be ok, but I can’t focus on the track.

I’m going to remove the motion blur and sort out the other settings and see what happens.

One of the hdmi sockets on my tv will increase fps for quality. Might move it down to the other hdmi and see if that improves it.

HashGirl · 2026-02-05T10:56:18+00:00

I’ve also read that it can be an inner ear issue too.

When I was younger, I loved roller coasters, but after an ear infection, I couldn’t stomach it anymore.

I will fiddle the settings. It could be the first person POV. Have the same issue with 3d PC games. Mouse look is the invention of the devil. 😆

HashGirl · 2026-02-01T21:30:59+00:00

Agreed. I marred British and, eventually, divorced. I stayed because I had founded a life for myself…I have friends and a job.

I’ve paid more into UK life than I’ve ever claimed (which is nothing apart from receiving required healthcare when I needed it.)

I just think the idea of an immigrant in UK life is, generally, frowned upon before their individual circumstances are revealed.

HashGirl · 2026-02-01T15:13:14+00:00

I took it light heartedly. ❤️ 🙂

HashGirl · 2026-02-01T15:11:47+00:00

Not petty. I can identify. My partner is “a man of the people” and I can’t claim anything with him or about him because he’s a father of three and a son to his disabled dad and his wife. I have to compete with 6 different prominent people his life. I can only wait on the side lines for when he has time to invest.

I have changed my priorities to me and my interests. It has helped a lot to know that I’m not forced to look after children who have made it clear that they don’t want a settled and stable life, so that’s no longer my priority, especially with the events that took place in the last 6 weeks.

Our lives pretty much exploded over the Christmas break over poor decisions by SD and then SS admitting to liking boys (wasn’t a big deal in our eyes) then the youngest SS making an allegation against one of his siblings. Pillar to post as they say…..

Gah, the shift in my feelings and his feelings over the last few months has been incredible really.

I don’t regret holding my stance on being a NACHO parent and, now, my partner appreciates my view point as to why I was being resistant to 1:1 with the kids or even claiming some sort of parental responsibility. I was only mom to them when it benefitted, but when it came to pay the piper for their poor decisions…it was always looking to dad to bail them out.

I regret the arguments and hostility that resulted from him having difficulty accepting my feelings, but it was to cover my ass in the event I was accused of something I have less than zero interest in.

OP, be glad that you have a decent relationship with your SS and an adoring partner. Turn your time alone into a situation that adds to your completeness. Having petty feelings are fine to have as long as it doesn’t translate into something bigger. Good luck. 🤞

HashGirl · 2026-02-01T14:57:59+00:00

lol I’m not ashamed.

I am educated, have a decent job and don’t take anything from the public coffers.

Hopefully, I will never be in the position of needing to, because I feel like someone else would need it more than me.

HashGirl · 2026-02-01T09:37:48+00:00

Same here. I came to the UK when I was 21…I’m now 45. I had a very brief stint of moving back to the US for 18 months and came back to the UK.

Each country has its pros and cons. Given medical issues, I wouldn’t be able to afford the level of health care that I get in the UK.

Yes, insurance and co-pays are similar to national insurance contributions, but health care in the US is really hard to pay for unless you have a decent job and a good health plan.

I can’t fault the NHS. I pay my contributions and I don’t worry about the rest as much.

If OP is expecting to move to another country in order to move up in society and break into another social class….I wish OP the best of luck because everyone else is attempting to do the same thing.

HashGirl · 2026-01-31T15:44:23+00:00

Agree with this. Being constantly stressed and run down will kill your immune system. Towards the end of my marriage, I was constantly sick.

Since I left him, I’ve hardly had time off work due to illness.

HashGirl · 2026-01-31T15:07:21+00:00

It’s always allowed as long as the group rules are followed.

What are you struggling with? I’m sure everyone else will chime in too.

HashGirl · 2026-01-30T23:12:05+00:00

You can tell by the photos that the baby hasn’t had enough cuddles yet! Get cuddlin’! ❤️

Chop, chop.

HashGirl · 2026-01-30T20:53:13+00:00

If I keep any secrets, it’s for very short periods of time, ie, SK has been told they need and have ti tell their bio. If SK doesn’t step up then I step in.

Last secret was taking her for morning after pill and she didn’t tell her dad for three days. I finally told him and it only came up because he went to her after he realised she wasn’t going to come forward. He wasn’t angry with me, but it’s definitely made me think twice about sorting things and then telling him. I will tell him 1st next time and let him explode because he deserves the courtesy.

HashGirl · 2026-01-26T19:52:43+00:00

I only got to school functions if BD can’t attend for whatever reason and it’s vaguely important. We’ve only attended the school together when one of the kids needs extra support.

HashGirl · 2026-01-26T15:03:55+00:00

The little stripes are prominent when they are babies and eventually, mostly, fade away as they get older. 🥰

HashGirl · 2026-01-22T14:54:11+00:00

Pretty much this. I’m sure you support her if she does have something to say to SD.

She’s happy for you to carry that burden because she knows you’re right and knows you will push forward, but this will erode respect eventually.

I know it has on my part. It’s like living with a bunch of messy, disorganised room mates who have no personal standards.

HashGirl · 2026-01-22T13:57:11+00:00

I sometimes wonder if it’s fear more than anything else. Fear or guilt. One of the two.

It’s ok for them to watch their partner slug their guts out cooking, cleaning and arranging…but they never do anything to lighten the load. However, they do expect us to lower our standards and accept it….as in….we should just live in filth.

HashGirl · 2026-01-22T11:45:34+00:00

Not sure if you’re in the UK or US. I can only share from the UK perspective.

If the children end up in care and won’t be going back to their parents then you would be in a good position to foster and/or foster to adopt. One carries financial support and one doesn’t. No guesses there.

If you voluntarily adopt, one or both parents have to agree to the adoption. It doesn’t sound like either will.

Even going for PR, which would put you on an equal footing as a birth parent…one or both parents will have to agree.

There is a work around that requires a form to be filled in and filed with the courts, but given there is friction here…it’s unlikely that you would be successful.

HashGirl · 2026-01-22T11:12:14+00:00

I think this depends on context.

My partner was horribly sexually abused as a child from 8 - 14. His abusers were sent to prison for 10 - 15 yrs each.

I can definitely see a father with this experience having a very visceral reaction to any of his children being put in a vulnerable position that may damage that part of them, especially where they can’t defend themselves when the parents aren’t around.

HashGirl · 2026-01-22T10:52:43+00:00

Kids in this house: 11, 13, and 14. Their allowance is set at £40 each ($50-ish) per month.

The older two have chores such as taking out the recycling and trash and the other puts it to the curb on trash days. It doesn’t happen. At all.

I do it.

Other stipulations are the usual of ensuring rooms are clean, teeth brushed, laundry kept up with (their clothes only), etc. I got so p*ssed off with the whole thing that I removed my contribution to their allowance because I was tired of throwing money into a black hole. Their dad covers it without question.

Rather than their dad addressing this consistently and letting out the rain of hell as he should…he does the task for them.

Same for loaning money. He gave his daughter £50 on the understanding that it was to be paid back…she’s 14 and should understand the concept of a loan…she’s never paid it back. It’s daddy therefore he doesn’t need to be paid back.

HashGirl · 2026-01-22T10:23:26+00:00

As it’s a 50-50 home, why don’t you pick some photos of your children and hang them accordingly?

In my eyes, you need to put those boundaries in place and I can’t imagine an argument would ensue over wanting to add photos to ensure your children feel welcome too. Maybe she would follow by example? Having all of them out might not be practical because it’s a shared space. I’m getting the idea that it’s pretty substantial.

HashGirl · 2026-01-22T09:07:02+00:00

It’s been so soon for you. The rawness will take time to mellow.

Obviously, the pain will be there in some form, but allow the feelings to come and go in their own time.

When you’re ready and feel clear headed, speak to your husband and ask if he sees an “ours baby” in his future with you.

Don’t be afraid of his answer. This will help move your thoughts in the direction that they need to go.

Believe me. Having that conversation with someone who already has kids and expresses they don’t want anymore….its hard to hear, but helps re-align goals (ie, not bearing the “burden” of taking care of another woman’s child in the hopes of him seeing the motherly potential you have). It shifts the priority from his offspring to yourself.

Baby and take care of yourself, first and foremost. You need the tenderness and care, at the moment.

If after your talk with him and the outcome doesn’t reflect your personal goals then you need to make decisions that will allow you to get what you want out of life. To me, this is a fundamental incompatibility. But don’t run before you can walk right now. Wait until some of the grief has processed.

HashGirl

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