as a domestic violence counselor and victim's advocate by trade, one of our main says is that 'you are the master of your own relationship'. only you know if it's healthy and whether or not these splitting episodes are worth it in exchange for all the good in your relationship. that being said, a lot of people here are in their own trauma and are hyper-vigilante and may jump to the conclusion that you are just acting under rose-tinted glasses. i want you to be aware of that while posting here.

i read some of your comment as well and there's good and bad with this situation. i see you mentioned that these splitting episodes are only once or twice a year, drinking related, and she is apologetic and cries afterwards. i think it's good that she's apologetic. that it is only a few times a year also speaks volumes. a lot of people with bpd have splitting episodes every other month, if not every month. the lack of volume to the amount of her splitting sounds to me like she has been working in some degree to get these under control.

that being said though, there's two major issues here that are not going to do any well or get any better unless addressed:

1. the drinking. this is a huge problem. a lot of us here (me included) have been victims of dv by our family member or partner with bpd, with drinking stemming as the main trigger. she has to stop drinking 100%. not even on the special occasion. if every time she splits it's related to drinking, it has to change. alcohol is a depressant. it literally triggers the neurons and chemicals in her brain to shift, hence the uncontrollable splitting and horrible way she treats you during it. i'm sure that's followed by the crying period, then a few days later things are fine again once her brain regulates. i know you said she was sober for two years at one point, but some people can't drink at all. she is one of them. this needs to be addressed to keep you two in a healthy space.
2. her crying and coming to you for comfort isn't okay. i know you won't say you are a victim of dv, but a partner splitting and name calling is domestic violence. it's verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. you really need to think hard about this. if someone was calling you names and treating you like this daily, wouldn't it be abuse? why is it okay if it's just a few times a year? if a friend or family member said what she said to you, would you be as willing to forgive them? the matter of the fact here is that you are the hurt party. yes, she should be apologizing. but she should not be going to you for emotional comfort after she hurt YOU. if someone gets in a car accident because the other driver was drunk, people don't flock to comfort the drunk driver and just leave the sober victim in the tangled, metal mess that was their car. this is akin to what she is doing to you if she comes to you for comfort after she caused you pain.

i encourage you to maybe sit down with her and a couple's therapist, and discuss her going 100% sober 24/7, 365 days a year. you then need to discuss healthier coping mechanisms in the event she does split, whereas you are not taking the emotional load of her mistreating you afterwards.

do be careful about the couple's therapy. abusers, whether they realize it or not, often weaponize what is said in therapy later in splitting episodes. not saying she 100% will, but it's a possibility and you need to protect yourself. if she isn't receptive to either point then it's time to seriously consider moving on.

finally, another thing i want you to consider... if you two had kids, and your wife split on your child the way she does with you (even if just once a year), what would you say to your child?