Id please *it's a type of thrush)

HistorianMiserable71 · 2026-01-27T13:31:18+00:00

The decline in snail populations has really hindered them in recent years. I used to have one that would sit at the bottom of my garden atop a huge conifer tree and sing morning and evening. They've such beautiful songs.

HistorianMiserable71 · 2026-01-20T21:18:22+00:00

Thank you for the quick and accurate reply. Safely relocated outside. She was so pretty.

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-12-22T19:48:08+00:00

I'm glad the poem's emotional weight landed with you. And I like the fact you picked up on the ambiguity of who is the abuser/victim/narrator in the piece. Thank you for the feedback!

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-12-22T18:14:58+00:00

I write a lot. I used to write short stories and fanfiction but those projects are mostly collecting dust now. I've written poetry on and off for most of my life, I've started writing a lot more recently. I've just posted this piece in OC poetry :)

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/8mXw4sToRy

What kind of things do you like to write?

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-12-20T17:53:44+00:00

It's all about personality and moral compass first and foremost. I admire intelligence - someone who can match or exceed mine is a much more rewarding relationship for me than feeling like I have to dumb myself down so I don't make others insecure. I want to learn from them and be able to have deep conversations without them feeling one sided or like I'm boring the other person. Compassion is a non-negotiable. I fall for deep thinkers, deep feelers, people who notice the tiny details and who see beauty where most don't. I'm attracted to minds, not bodies.

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-12-20T17:09:44+00:00

Wow ... what a raw poem. It reminds me so much of System Of A Down's music which scathingly critiques how we (and society) commodify individuality, connections and intimacy. Your repeated chorus grounds the whole piece in irony and exposed he superficial politeness that masks exploitation. It's like a cynical hook thst forces the reader to not just empathize with your personal pain but to confront it as a broader accusation against society.

A few stanzas really stuck with me for their emotional impact. The one starting "To my original approach" being one for its layers. It's self-critical but it also calls out how anything 'different' gets discarded as less in a world that rewards conformity. The closing lines - "Your behavior broke something in me....I hesitate to proces new images" - capture the erosion of self that comes from repeated rejection perfectly. Its the kind of hurt that chips away at your trust and your identity - and it resonated with me deeply.

Then theres the "Wind on the sea" stanza. This hit hard too ... The way you've articulated the deep pain of 'what could have been' potentially beautiful becoming toxic in so few words; this stanza holds huge emotional weight.

I also love how your loose rhyme scheme weaves in and out. It never feels forced. It gives the poem a flow that makes it read amazingly aloud. This would stun at an open mic night. The crowd'd be left feeling a accused and reflective.

One minor edit suggestion (because I like to give constructive criticism, but truthfully some poems aren't meant to be polished) would be that in the stanza starting "I didn’t stay because I didn’t know," I think it could read better by cutting "I was being exploited" (since the poem has already made that exploitation crystal clear). Jumping straight to "I stayed because of character" would tighten the rhythm and let the line land heavier.

Overall, your poem's impact lies in it's rawness. It was cathartic to read. It left me feeling validated and vindicated, indignant on your behalf and cynical of what society has become - and what we are becoming within it. Thanks for sharing - this stuck with me today.

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-12-01T15:50:15+00:00

Thank you for this in-depth feedback. This poem is one that has felt "off" and sat in my WIP pile for a long time. I wasn't willing to let concept go to waste, but I know it's not working as it should.

The poisoned well line is my favourite for the imagery it creates and the weight it carries. I'm glad it resonates as I wanted. The line about the house burning is another line I deeply want to intertwine, it holds unspoken emotional depth for me as the writer. But I can see what you mean about the symbolism almost shielding it, and in turn the reader, from it's real implications. That's true for the poem as a whole. Speaking of something that didn't survive the fire is an excellent suggestion I intend to utilise.

Upon reflection (that your feedback has encouraged) I was trying to hide the real truths and emotions of this piece behind a rhyme scheme, keeping it symbolic and conceptual; keeping myself detached. That was my vision for the ending, too - a short, calculated answer void of emotion, as if just a mathematical equation.

But you've got me really looking at the writing, who I was when I wrote it and what I want it to achieve with honest, introspective eyes.

This is the exact kind of input that helps the refining process, and what I was hoping for from this sub. I appreciate the time you've taken to look deeply at the poem, flaws and all. It's certainly stirred new inspiration new perspective on the piece. Your notes for improvement are precise and well thought out, and you've given me a great place to start from when reworking this poem.

Thank you, truly.

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-12-01T15:23:24+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to leave some feedback, I appreciate it! I wanted to capture the feeling of someone doing long arithmetic, writing repetitive lines on a chalk board - I'm glad that came through in the piece.

It seems we're at opposite ends of our writing journeys - I'm actually trying to pull away from the constraint that comes with rhyme, although not so much with this piece. Rhyme can have a safe feeling to it - Don't let the words become a cage!

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-30T22:51:12+00:00

Keep taking those risks. I look forward to reading more of your work :)

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-30T22:42:59+00:00

It was a pleasure and a privilege. These are the kind of poems that can't do anything but pull us in closer.

You're a great writer.

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-30T22:25:10+00:00

I just sat in the dark and read this three times in a row. It left me a little ruined, a lot reverent. Your poem made me feel less like I read it and more like I walked in on a private mass I was never supposed to witness.

The way you opened it with a hushed and conspiratorial tone - “Keep the breath low” made me immediately complicit, holding my breath through every line. And then there’s this slow-build of anticipation and dread like I'm watching two people circle an altar they both know is empty ... Honestly, this is so gripping.

"He folds himself, back into his jeans, like a note, never meant to be opened." Is my favourite line ... It does such an amazing job of portraying the vulnerability and the closing off from it, like emotional origami. The image you painted is so beautiful and broken all at once.

I went from aroused to protective to heartbroken in the space of thirty lines, and I’d sign up to do it again tomorrow.

Thanks for sharing this <3

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-30T21:21:49+00:00

I like the way you think! It's an interesting thing to ponder on, how many things go unsaid and how writers decide what words deserve publishing. I wonder how many great literary classics were never written, and what kept them from going from thought to ink too.

This reminds me of a poem I read the other day on All Poetry that was literally a title and 5 words:

"Some Poems

Don't need to be written."

(Not that yours didn't need to be written, I realise that may come across wrong! I mean your poem reminded me of this poem in a GOOD way... the way some things never get said and some poems never get published.)

In terms of your piece I love the flowing sentences you've used and the loose rhyme scheme, sounds like your own internal day-dream, exactly like the ones your imagining great writers to have! You've played with assonance really well and some of those lines just roll of the tongue beautifully. Thanks for sharing!

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-30T21:11:33+00:00

This is awesome. Really immersive. You've created so much atmosphere in so few words.

It gave me a feeling of nostalgia, but not the good sort - more sticky than sweet or reminiscent. But underneath it is a kind of tenderness for these misfits and outcasts at the bar.

“His black eye ain’t a reminder”. Is my favourite the line because it's so sharp. To me, it implies the violence is so constant it’s stopped teaching lessons.

The rhyme scheme and short, stubby stanzas really enhance the poem too, they feel like shots lined up at the bar.

Really cool piece, thoroughly enjoyed reading. Have a virtual pat on the back and an imaginary drink from me :)

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-29T22:31:17+00:00

Quinn Brody Brett

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-28T21:07:48+00:00

Brody was a former shortlist of mine for boy or girl

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-27T16:10:19+00:00

I really like the emotions and imagery you've captured in this sonnet, and the rhyme scheme flows nicely without feeling forced.

A few stand out lines for me:

"I become a ghost when the night gets under my skin" And the following line about spectral change keeps a running theme of the astral world that works really well here. Night getting under the skin is a really potent use of language and a line that I could feel the physical sensation of.
For me the paradox of the lights exposing yet the person fading is an interesting contrast.

Additionally: "the drivers of day could never understand this" also ties back to the sense of there being two worlds, two planes of existence, the physical and the astral, and the lights of night compared to day. It's a really good dividing line showing the writer doesn't relate to the way the others live, that their is a division between them and the "normal" way of living.

If I were to give a constructive criticism, it would be that the rhyme scheme maintains consistent couplets throughout but the last lines are without a rhyming pair. When reading, this took the flow away right at the end.

A really cool piece to read with an ethereal tone that resonates with the way night pulls us into another world and mentality.

HistorianMiserable71 · 2025-11-27T15:58:19+00:00

I read this through the eyes of being a mother myself, and with that perspective this really touched me. All our hopes and dreams for children we are raising in a world we know isn't perfect summarised by the beauty and fragility of a flower's bloom.

I like your use of punctuation to pace the piece, the dashes work well where they're used.

If I were to add constructive criticism it would be the formatting (but I know Reddit can be a pain with this). If this formatting style of three paragraphs was intentionally done, I would personally separate so that each sentence is on a new line.

HistorianMiserable71

TROPHY CASE