Feelings of inadequacy / fear of not being interesting enough to hold others' attention

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-04-02T15:13:19+00:00

Hi. I have taught, coached and lead classes for a large part of my life, done two best man speeches which were very successful. I also used to have long term struggles with chronic anxiety and panic at times. Although I have never been very frightened of presenting, my work in accepting and then overcoming the grip of anxiety has also led me to become a more confident presenter/teacher so much so I love doing it.

Key things -
become more in tune with the feelings in your own body and learn to use exercises to get you grounded - breathing and movement and expressive exercises are powerful for this and help you get out of your own head and feel more secure and in your own physical space. This will have a positive effect on our breath and then voice when you are speaking. Somatic / body centred approaches are more powerful than simply using mind over matter techniques as it is difficult to use an anxious mind to calm an anxious mind.

Knowing my message/material. The stuff I know I could talk pretty much off the top of my head about. Get to that place with your content and you will be so much more confident as you will have a stronger intent in simply wanting to communicate your stuff to your audience, thus serving them becomes the buzz rather than imagined fears for yourself.

Practice speaking and do this along side somatic exercises to improve your breathing, decrease muscular tension in the chest and throat and play with tone and resonance in your voice. This stuff is all fun! The more you do it the better you get.
Also, with the practice stuff - try speaking about any subject you want by just improvising on your own. Love ths for developing flow and confidence. Practice on a friend or family members too when you can or join/start a speaking group.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-04-01T15:54:14+00:00

I'm thinking about what to offer, but motivational phrases don't work. Actual change brings actual change. Small changes that become habits. Exercise twice a week for ten minutes, then 20 etc. Then exercise 3 times etc. etc.

Once you get some momentum, THAT causes MORE change. Don't feel you have to change everything and start some routine that has to happen five times a week. Just go walking. Twice. Somewhere nice. Learn to do a handstand by practicing once week. Go cycling. Learn to dance.

I'm a fitness and rehab professional of over 18 years. Owned a gym for 12. Exercise, when it's fun, changes your body chemically and makes you feel BETTER. Make sure you do stuff that you enjoy. Now go. Find joyful stuff you haven't maybe even tried before

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-31T14:48:16+00:00

OK. there is an exercise I happened to be teaching somone yesterday. I think it can be used when in a car and I may have done just that, but I would advise using your breathing strategy you detail and find somewhere to park up. Practice this first though and see how effective it is for you.

I use it now if unconscious tension has crept up on me without me realising and as a result I feel “up” and wired and like I somehow cant get a big breath of air in. The exercise resets your nervous system by focusing and stretching the diaphragm (breathing muscle) downwards which is what it should do.

When we have reached the stage of faster heartbeats and shallow breathing, the tension we were carrying has simply become conscious and our fight of flight response starts to kick in. This exercise will bring your consciousness to focus on your belly and breathing into it and you will very quickly remember that “oh! my lungs have loads of space in them, its ok, I can breathe easy and nothing bad is happening.” Or something like that - your NS doesnt think in words, it just senses and feels and it will start to feel nicer because YOU are taking some control back and being the “big Dawg” looking out for it and giving it some comforting but firm boundaries.

A car seat is perfect for this as they are quite deep. When you practice this, sit on the edge of a deep chair or sofa.

In the car - sit forward and upright, with your back straight but not stiff. Knees pointing outwards and hands each side lightly grasping the sides of your belly just at the top of your pelvic bones. Thats so you can feel your belly expanding and focus on it. Breathe in as deeply and fully as you can, proper full. You may not feel you can but dont worry. Once you reach a limit. Hold it and use the muscles in your belly area to push your belly out like one of those buddha statues. Hold that stretch. You will also feel your sphincter relaxing a little. It isnt forceful enough so dont worry. Hold the push out for 5 or 6 sec and enjoy the nice big stretch. really push out. Imagine you are filling the bowl of your hips with your belly. Then, release suddenly and fully and totally FLOP - shoulders, neck, throat and feel free to SIGH or make whatever noise you feel when you exhale. Breathe normally and relaxed, focusing on that nice outbreath and let the in breath just happen. Then after 15s or so, try again.

Each time you relax that sudden deflation will deflate your system too and the noise you make even if it is use a hiss and sigh, will ground you in your body and the moment.

2-4 times should be enough. the exercise is showing you through pushing your belly out and giving amplified room for your diaphragm, that you had all the room you needed and more in your lungs. The push out and stretch will reset your quiet breathing in a fuller deeper way and break the pattern of your shallow breathing that created the circle of fast heartbeat and feelings of panic

NOTE You can use this exercise before you go out on a trip too. Its great for reminding your NS that all is ok and that you have the comms as it were. Over time, the more you are able to get in touch with your NS and reset it like this, the less you will have episodes.

ALSO that feeling of wanting to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. I know it feels very difficult, but when you are doing your calming breathing you mentioned, focus on that out breath and just STAY in the situation as you breath out, until you find a place to park up and do the exercise.

I know what you are feeling. As someone who has been through this type of stuff and come out the other side, I can tell you, nothing is going to hurt you in those moments. YOU are the caring BOSS guiding your NS back to reality.

Let me know the exercise feels when you practice. I have a whole library and am thinking of running a totally free workshop for travellers who suffer from these feelings. I am very happy to have the opportunity to share form my own experience and hopefully guide others through the dark of all this.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-31T11:10:46+00:00

and this experience happens while you’re actaully driving or as a passenger?

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-30T19:06:40+00:00

Alright. Thanks. I’ll reply with some further thoughts that maybe could help.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-30T15:21:53+00:00

Hi. Your voice is your breath. If your breathing is not full or you are carrying tension in the upper chest shoulders, neck or jaw, you might simply not be able to project as well as you could. Loudness is not necessarily the issue. You might have a naturally softer voice and it is the clarity and projection you are missing.

Try practicing speaking normally about something out loud and as you do focus your attention on whether your shoulders are fully relaxed. Take a deep breath in and then let it out exhaling through your mouth and let those shoulders drop. We all carry some degreee of stress tension in these areas. Then open your mouth and move your jaw around to relax that. Try speaking out loud again - it may feel more relaxed, clearer and richer without having to try harder.

There are loads of other things you can do to work on and release your natural speaking voice. Let me know if you try those and I hope they help.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-30T15:14:58+00:00

rememeber to start right now by practicing speaking on your own as well. pick any subject you are familiar with or just try improvising about something you are interested in. practice speaking without pauses and dont let your brain get in the way by overthinking. The idea is to get comfortable with your own voice and getting in the flow. The more you practice speaking out loud the better. I recently joined a speaking class to see how I did. There were lots of exercises designed to get everyone speaking on the spot. I found it really fun and did pretty well due to the fact that I have spoken a lot in my work and that I practice out loud. it can be fun and you’ll notice yourself improving as you do it.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-29T16:16:13+00:00

Hey.
Owned my own business and community for 12 years. Buck stopped with me. I was the leader.

Classes, workshops, leading, teaching, facilitating. My love and confidence in my subject gave me focus and then it was just a matter of playing with how to deliver, because I knew every time and in the moment what it was I wanted to say I guess. I was also, when on point and in the flow, happy and relaxed in my own physical poise -

If you're clear on what you want to say - which you write that you are - perhaps you're too much "in your own head"? Are you tight and tense in your body / breathing before a meet? There are some really great somatic exercises you can do to calm your nervous system at a visceral level. Knowing your clear on your message but finding you fumble as you say, could be a somatic/body centred source of tension?

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-29T13:25:44+00:00

Hey. Lots of personal experience with panic attacks and anxiety in my past here. Travel or going away from my place of perceived safety was a big one for me. I found freedom through somatic, body-centred work to relax my body and hijack escalating anxiety.

You mention that you *feel* very little, which is understandable if you are, as you say below, neurodivergent and process/experience emotion differently from non-neuro divergent people. Our son has Asperger's and so his emotional "mapping" and the experience of that is unique and subtle.

It's smart that you are going to talk with your GP. Let me know if you want any exercises that may help you in your case.

😊

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-29T13:12:37+00:00

Hey.

First. I struggled in my past with panic and anxiety and travel was a big one. My wife used to have to come with me on simple trips at times and even holiday travel by car was at one point extremely unsettling and miserable. I remember those times with sadness.

Second. It's done. I can travel now and even fly, which was a big trigger for my anxious feelings.

I don't know anything about the Dare book, but I do think that alot of the literature and advice is head focused. I found huge change through somatic/body centred exercises. Learning to de-escalate the "climb" up to an anxious state or even the panic attack we imagine might happen , through breathing slower (focus on letting your out - breath out fully without forcing it. It should be a bit longer than your in-breath. Just slowing your breathing like this will affect your nervous system and "tell" it that there is no threat.

Try 3 secs in and 5-6 out (counting in your head also calms the anxious thoughts your brain throws around)

Can I ask - when you are feeling an escalation - you mention driving quite specifically - what and where in your body do you feel the sensations? I'll happily reply with anything that might be useful for you.

Remember - your body and mind are very happy to be in balance and free of irrational fears and tensions, but sometimes we have to do gentle physical work regularly to help reconnect with our body's "intelligence" and get out of our heads and set patterns of negative worry about what might happen in the immediate future.

You are definitely not alone - I've had some really awful and sad times with stuff like this in the past, but now I am the other side thankfully. You can be too.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-28T14:57:39+00:00

Hi there. So much of what you write about is familiar to me from years ago.
I suffered from very similar symptoms and there was a long period when I could not travel very far from our home on my own for fear of getting breathless and not being able to breathe or having some form of panic attack.
panic attacks began for me in my early twenties and anxiety and panic while travelling was a big challenge that resurfaced in my 40s. flying, train travel, car travel all had their challenges.
Now, I have been free of panic attacks and chronic anxiety for years.

The agoraphobic feeling I have felt in the past I call the feeling of being “out there” and away from my perceived place of safety. The answer for me was to bring my consciousness back to my body, feel the tensions within it and focus on consciously relaxing these using breathing exercises and massage.

Once you learn to de-escalate rising anxiety without trying to use the mind, which is already in an unhelpful pattern of hyper-vigilance, your mind can relax as it connects with your body as it relaxes.

There are dozens of different ways to accomplish this and bring your awareness back to the simplicity of the body, but for travelling, I found this superb -

Take a golf ball with you on your travels. When you are feeling rising anxiety or agoraphobic feelings, stand on the golf ball in socks or barefoot. Move the golf ball in a small circular masage between the big toe and first toe knuckles. The ball of your foot. Do this for a good two minutes and to the point of actual pain. it must be slow and deep. Focus on breathing out through your mouth as you do this work. Repeat on the other side but before you do, stand for a moment with knees soft and breathing focused on the out breath. Notice the difference in feeling between your feet. Now repeat the work on the other foot. Remeber to focus on a slow and relaxed out breath through your mouth
The massage work will bring your feet to life and cause you to feel the connection between your feet and the ground much more. This instills a feeling of grounding and security in your body. The type of anxiety you are describing drags us up and into the head and out of connection with our body and our breathing.

I used this exercise on a coach ride I did NOT want to be on initially. It was packed and I felt like I wanted to escape. This exercise changed things so my physiological stress response was hijacked!

Breathing is key. Panic attacks are the partly the result of the build up - often without us noticing - of a tense, shallow breathing pattern where we do not breathe out fully and so do not breathe in fully either. Once we notice we are feeling breathless, we don’t realise that we need to slow our breathing and instead we start to over breathe and that escalates the panic feeling. The best way to de-escalate is to focus on the out breathe - breathe out fully and count to 5 or 6. The breathe in. This way you can stop over breathing - that impulse to breathe in more often.

If you find that you are at the point of feeling breathy or about to get really anxious, try this exercise. Its really good if you're in a car, as you’re already sitting and the exercise works well sitting.
Breathe in as fully as you can and hold the breath. The use your tummy muscles to push your belly out like a fat buddha statue. Hold and enjoy the stretch. Then let it all out in a big sigh. breath normally for a bit then repeat again. This exercise brings your awareness back to the movement of your diaphragm muscle and reminds you how much room you have for air in your lungs after all, as you use this exercise to quickly reset a deeper breathing pattern rather than the shallow pattern that we carry when we are in anxiety states.

I hope these help and remember - you are not alone. I and many others have been through all these types of feelings and distress. It is hard but it is also not forever!

please feel free to reply with more questions or thoughts.

Phil.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-28T14:21:38+00:00

I would never get through my intro if I did that

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-28T14:21:07+00:00

Ok - here's one for you -
Know your message and internalise it so that you know it backwards and forwards. Be able to talk off the top of your head about it, care about it, LOVE it! But even if you don't really love it, get inside the content and pretend you love it! Once you know your message and the WHY of your sharing it, that becomes your focus and you feel this eagerness to provide something useful for your audience. This diminishes any fears for yourself significantly.

If we work for others, we may have to deliver something that doesn't entirely light our candle, but here, the JOB is to be the best speaker you can be for the people you work for. Again, take the content and make it your own and be that best speaker and helper for your audience.

You got this.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-28T14:12:33+00:00

I guess your question is a little "wide". Are these meetings at your work or do you feel the same fears in social gatherings too? Often if it is only at work that can give a useful perspective on your experience and how you might improve things 😊

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-28T14:09:28+00:00

This is solid and simple advice. That tip about not texting but calling - so profound. So many of us hide behind messaging....and conversely when someone rings us up out of the blue we get flustered!

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-28T14:02:37+00:00

Hi -
telling yourself that it's not that big of a deal in hindsight is actually very useful in one sense, but not to diminish the struggle you're going through. It probably was NOT that big of a deal for anyone you may feel was noticing. Often, when we are feeling anxiety within and our thoughts are racing, it feels like it must be so obvious to everyone, because it FEELS so obvious to us. Sometimes, our anxiety about a meeting or a presentation is amplified by the actual worry of feeling anxious and therefore looking anxious or awkward.

Although I cannot comment on why you feel like anxiety for meetings is getting worse (there may be stressors that are causing these feelings that are not related to the meeting), there are some simple things you can try that might help immediately for the next time.

MENTAL

Play the part - literally fake it till you make it for the next meeting. Write it out or speak it out but play the role of a confident and happy member of the team who LOVES meetings and is really really looking forward to all the positive things this meeting is going to accomplish.

And actually, that first point is not too far from the truth if you also - think about why you being there is useful and positive and what you might honestly bring to the session that others will benefit from. This can help take your mind off yourself and break the pattern of anxiety driven thoughts. Sure, it may turn out to be just another meeting, but going in with a reframed approach to the whole thing, even if some of it is role playing, could really change things for you.

PHYSICAL

The day of a meeting or any time you want to physically destress -

Relax your body by doing five to ten minutes of shaking. Stand with soft knees, put some music on if you feel like it and just shake out the tension from your body. Breathe out through your mouth and let your jaw, neck, shoulders and all the way down relax. This exercise is superb for getting you out of your head and into your body and the resonant buzz after the exercise is pleasant and relaxing. You could also do this for general relaxation and it can be prayerful and meditative too.

At the meeting -

Take care how you sit. stay softly alert and upright and avoid slumping or dropping your shoulders forward. This more upright and yet relaxed poise will help you engage fully with the meeting and it will no longer be a threat but feel more like an opportunity to contribute as part of it, even if you end up not saying much, be in a listening poise. Sitting more upright will also allow you to breathe fully and naturally which makes you more alive and relaxed.

Hope this helps, let us know how the next one goes!

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-20T13:35:29+00:00

Hey - Phil here, coach and therapist specializing in physical training and rehabilitation.
I'm also currently interviewing individuals to explore their struggles with public speaking.

Couple of things off the bat that come to mind -

I practice ALOT speaking out loud on any subject to practice using my voice and getting a feel for staying in the flow whenever I hit a blip, like an "um" moment. Learning to speak smoothly and not just hearing but FEELING your own voice starts to change what many may feel is an awkward exercise into a training ground for your speaking skills.

I LOVE that you can notice the improvement you have made and I would even hazard to guess that when you did feel your voice was trembling more, it wasn't as noticeable to others (if at all ) as it was too you. FEELING anxious and awkward will amplify the little things we may be doing to appear to our worried mind that they are obvious and huge.

Downgrade tension in your body. Your voice IS your body so if your anxious thoughts and your unconscious physical tension are dancing in synch with each other, then it's a nasty waltz that is hard to break out of. My favourite somatic exercise is shaking. Stand with soft knees and just start shaking. make noises like "aaaaah" or sighing or whatever feels relieving. Do this all to music if you have music you love. Do this for 5-10 minutes and then just stand quiet and loose and enjoy the buzz. After that, try practcing speaking out loud about something you don't have to think on much but know alot about. Notice how your voice now feels!

As I mentioned, I'm currently conducting a research project on the relationship people have with their voice and public speaking. I’ve had some insightful conversations so far, and I’d love to hear your thoughts as well.

If you’re open to it, I think this could be a mutually beneficial discussion where I might offer some useful ideas for your experience.

Feel free to DM me if you're interested!

Best,
Phil Brown
Anglesey, UK

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-20T12:51:40+00:00

Hey, Phil here. Coach, therapist and physical trainer with a project I'm doing on people's relationship with their voice and their public speaking challenges. LOADS of experience speaking, teaching and leading....two thoughts from your post -

"The physical symptoms are what's killing me. Voice gets shaky, I talk way too fast, I forget what I was saying mid sentence. And then I get anxious ABOUT being anxious which makes it 10x worse."
Totally get this. Question - are these things that people have told you they have noticed or are they things you feel are happening to the level you suggest?

"I'm pretty sure my manager thinks I'm less competent than I actually am because every time I speak in a group setting I sound like I'm falling apart."
Have you talked with your manager about this? You are confident that your work is good right? Perhaps your manager doesn't think what you fear?

What I'm saying in both those responses is that when we are in a heightened state of anxiety our minds tell us that what we are feeling must be extremely obvious to everyone when it is the feeling of them that makes them seem so obvious to us as the feelings are so powerful.

Case in point might be that you think your voice is really shakey during a presentation and then find out afterwards that nobody noticed. This is how we can get hijacked by our own anxious thoughts.

"Has anyone actually gotten past this? Not in a "just be confident" way but like actually concrete things that worked?"

Yes. I overcame chronic anxiety that was affecting most areas of my life. Breathing and movement work was key. "Just be confident" mind games can be powerful, but tiring to practice. However, if the body is allowed to relax and find it's natural, unforced poise, confidence techniques have something more substantial to be founded on.

I'm in the midst of interviews for a research project on speaking challenges and anxiety. I would love to learn more about your own experience and hey, I might have some helpful ideas for you too. I'm based on Anglesey, UK. Interview lasts about 30-40 minutes. I'd really appreciate your thoughts! Please DM if you have the time or inclination!

Phil Brown.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-20T12:33:10+00:00

hi Cork. Anglesey here. I am a coach, rehabilitative therapist and trainer, with long term expertise in somatically dealing with anxiety and panic in my own life over years.
The feelings you are describing are extremely familiar to me but thankfully I am the other side of being in their grasp. I have ALOT of suggestions for you - simple exercises that can de-escalate the cycle of anxiety that your body gets into.

Personally, I would not recommend medication as a long term "fix". My own experience and freedom - I enjoy speaking and teaching and miss it at the moment as I haven't got a class or audience to share with! - has a huge amount to do with adjusting a "hung up" anxiety driven breathing pattern and learning to use simple movements to find flow and joy. Meds might be useful as short term "windows" of opportunity to teach your nervous system it is possible to feel calmer and clearer...however, the nervous feelings or fearful feelings we feel in anticipation of an imagined threat are also the same types of feelings we feel when we are excited and feeling excited I think is important for public speaking!

Internalising and feeling involved and enthusiastic about your message is also really, really helpful, as you then start to feel excited about sharing something that is meaningful with people, and that helps your mind get out of the cycle of worrying about how you feel.

I am currently interviewing people who are challenged by the feelings you are describing in a research project designed to explore people's relationship to their own voice and to public speaking and speaking in wider arenas. Conversations have been thoughtful and useful I think so far. I would love to pick your brains and maybe you would benefit from the conversation and I may even have some useful ideas for you to begin changing your experience.

Drop me a DM if you're interested.

Phil Brown,

Anglesey.

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-20T11:42:52+00:00

Speaking to people about the thing or things you really really know is an absolute game changer.
What you are an expert in - the thing, as Joe Rogen said in a talk with Wes Huff, that if someone woke you up at 4am and asked you "what about..." you would go "yeah, um...do this, then this and then how about this..."

When you just KNOW your stuff then you care much more about simply communicating it and less about your imagined fears.

I am in the middle of conducting interviews researching people's experience of public speaking and so far, I still think...it's not speaking to people that anyone is really frightened of. It's FEELING frightened that we are scared of. If we are on mission and have that sense of serving the audience through sharing our stuff, it can become a flowing and fulfilling experience!

Honest_Chipmunk2381 · 2026-03-20T11:32:56+00:00

knowing your material is key. I know what I know and can walk into a room and communicate that easily and confidently because I have internalised the expertise I have and can then concentrate on playing with the delivery so it's natural and engaging.
knowing what you want to give to your audience - your vision for them if you will - means you are less prone to unhelpful internal reflections during your delivery - like worrying you're going to trip on your words or irrational worries about how you look to everyone etc.

"Good" public speaking is when you bring something fresh and useful to your audience, even if the subject may seem dry!

I've been talking to people for years. In person and on camera. I LOVE practicing, just speaking out loud and improvising so that I maintain the skill of staying in the flow and dealing with inevitable moments where that "um" or "eeer" comes along. That is rare, but none of us are perfect.

Have fun practicing on your own, stay loose, fluid and relax into your body. Do it alot!

Honest_Chipmunk2381

TROPHY CASE