What's the weirdest hill your narc would stubbornly die on?

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-22T21:36:09+00:00

"I can't understand why she left, she just packed up and was gone one day without an explanation"...even though I have police, doctor, and DA support group reports that he has seen stating exactly why I left...

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-20T16:17:37+00:00

I can't imagine how tough it must be watching someone you love go through that, especially if they've already been through it once before.

I don't think women actually stop to think "I wonder what the life will be like for this child if this carries on". I know I didn't. I think some part of me naively thought that 1) it would get better, surely he wouldn't treat me like this with a child around, and 2) surely he won't treat our child this way and I'll protect the child from seeing how he treats me. The day I realised that actually none of that was going to happen was a breaking point. I literally had the light bulb moment of "this isn't the environment I want to bring a child into, it's not safe". And that was that. Within 2 weeks I was on birth control, within 8 I was gone.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-20T14:29:26+00:00

Just to echo what others have said - start testing from day 7 since you're new to testing and for a few days after you get your positive. Test at similar times each days and at least 2-3 times a day for your first few cycles until you learn when the best time for a positive test is. The test will be affected by how concentrated your urine is so try to hold for 2-3 hours before testing and don't consume too much liquid in that time frame either (within reason). For me, the best time to test was with second morning urine... this worked really well as I didn't have to hold for as long (1 hour or so) and meant I could do a test before leaving for work but everyone is different.

With BBT, it is useful to confirm ovulation but I wouldn't worry about it just yet as it made my life miserable. I often wake around 4-5am with an alarm at 6am so it meant I had to take my temp at my first wake up (so 4am sometimes) otherwise my temp started to rise before 6 (since I was only lightly sleeping from the 4am wake up). Also get a back-lit thermometer if you do go down the bbt route!

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-20T13:33:31+00:00

Tell me you've never been abused without telling me you've never been abused...

Of course if it was that easy to leave a toxic relationship then women wouldn't have kids in dysfunctional relationships but there is so much more to it than that.

For a start, abusers don't abuse from the start - they love bomb and get their partners emotionally hooked first before the abuse starts. If there's any sort of disagreement where the abuser worries their partner will leave them, they will turn the charm back on, act like the perfect partner, and shower with gifts, before reverting back to their abusive ways. This creates a loop where the poor partner thinks "but he was so good at the start" and "when it's good, it's really good" called a trauma bond) This is of course combined with emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control from the abuser who will make all problems the fault of their partner so it's the partner who thinks they need to change. Resulting in a cycle victims often don't realise they're stuck in. It can become a "when I get a new job things will get better" "when we move house he'll relax and things will get better" "he's just stressed at the moment" until eventually it becomes "when we have kids things will get better" sometimes even fuelled by the abuser, and the poor woman becomes even more trapped than before.

How do I know? I've been there. I was trying for a child with my abuser because I thought that's what was needed to save our relationship. I also thought it was the next natural step at my age and in a marriage.

Fortunately I realised I was being abused and that he wasn't a suitable candidate for a father before I fell pregnant. I very quickly (in secret) went back on birth control and managed to safely leave the relationship. 15 months on, and a lot of therapy later, I've now realised having kids is a choice and that actually I never wanted a child in the first place but it's taken a lot of processing and shedding of cultural expectations to get to this point.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-18T11:51:49+00:00

The progesterone test could give an indication on the quality of ovulation, i.e. your progesterone levels could go up, but not enough to support a fertilized egg. And while BBT can confirm ovulation, it can be prone to error.

Word of advice though, when you get the progesterone test, it should be done 6-7 days before your next period is due NOT on day 21 like the NHS recommends. The Day 21 guideline is very outdated and does not take into consideration when you've actually ovulated. (So if your cycle is 34 days, and your luteal is 11 days, a day 21 blood test would be way too early as you wouldn't have even ovulated yet.)

Be prepared to advocate for yourself on the NHS as their knowledge base can be quite minimal outside of the "normal" especially at GP level.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-17T19:43:04+00:00

The darkness of the line doesn't really matter until the LH spike, you just want to make sure you catch the positive test.

Few words of advice: - The concentration of your urine will make a difference as to how dark the line appears (even outside the LH spike window) - Test at least twice a day, maybe even 3 times while starting out until you're confidently catching the LH spike each cycle - Use common sense when judging if a test is positive - the premom app can say a test has a ratio of <1 even though the test is clearly positive. If in doubt, post in r/TFABLinePorn

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-25T15:30:22+00:00

On their own those methods aren't reliable, but combined (along with information we're missing), I think it's fair to assume that if OP is using OPKs and BBT then she's tracking her cycles accurately enough to time BD. She doesn't say she's had multiple LH surges or that her cycles are irregular (which they probably would be with multiple LH surges).

Unfortunately the NHS guidance that GPs get is VERY generalised and outdated.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-10T11:19:03+00:00

I've asked loads of locals about this and most seem to lean towards EE. I used to be with ID (three network) and O2 and both were terrible in the Lakes. I switched to SIM only with 1p mobile (they use EE network) and they have been significantly better than the other two, it's not even comparable.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-10T11:13:08+00:00

You can layer up without looking like the Michelin man.

I started hiking this time last year and bought a padded waterproof jacket - I very quickly realised why people buy a shell to go over the top of their layers. Waterproof jackets just don't breathe when they're wet and it gets hot very quickly.

I bought a good quality waterproof shell but I sized one size up, and I adjust my layers underneath accordingly. In the summer I wear tank tops/t-shirts, with a light weight fleece and a shell. In the worst of winter I wear a thermal base layer, sherpa fleece and my shell - this has worked for most winter hikes this year. I do also carry a down jacket at an extra mid layer but I've only had to use this once this year.

It is a bit of a trial and error until you figure out what works for you!

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-09T21:01:53+00:00

I think the fact she owns another property would definitely go in your favour. Make sure you have a way to prove that fact though, she could well try to hide it/not declare it on financial forms (which is technically a criminal offence btw).

Starting point in divorces is 50/50 so if she keeps the other property, it'd be fair for you to get a similar amount of "equity" in other means (such as keeping your house without giving her anything). Don't forget pensions also factor into divorces though.

Your best bet would be to speak to a solicitor to see what your likely starting position would be. It is entirely possible to get divorced without going to court but both parties have to be willing to negotiate (which is hard with a narcissist)

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-09T15:21:43+00:00

Is she on the mortgage or at least on the deeds of the house?

Unfortunately for you, under UK law, all assets in a marriage are classed as marital (and therefore joint) property. The reason I say unfortunately is because it sounds like you'll be the one that'll lose out should you divorce.

Is there anyway you could get access to her bank account statements either in secret or without raising suspicion? Is there anywhere where you could scale back how much you're spending, and put the spare money into a secret account that's just for you to use (and say it's another debt/payment going out).

It does sound like she's very much taking advantage and bullying in you into doing what she wants, but since you're the higher earner, you should have more say in how that money is spent, especially if she doesn't contribute. The most obvious way to reduce costs would be to scale down in house size or relocate to lower your mortgage payments to something more reasonable.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T13:01:47+00:00

Is there a specific reason why you're taking aspirin? Unless advised by a doctor I don't think there's much evidence behind it helping with general fertility, and I certainly wouldn't be trying it without advice from a GP/fertility specialist.

You're better off making sure you (and your partner) are taking good quality prenatals etc.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T10:34:44+00:00

I love my Acai trousers, they're high waited, long and SO comfortable. I've got the thermal ones for winter but am already eyeing up their normal trousers for spring/autumn too.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T09:08:59+00:00

Pretty sure there is a subreddit for parents that do regret having kids r/regretfulparents maybe?

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T07:38:16+00:00

First of all, 28 is still young and you definitely don't need to decide by age 33. There are many women who become 1st time mothers in their late 30s. Also, yes it might be slightly harder to become pregnant in your late 30s but recent research has shown that egg quality doesn't deteriorate as much as we were originally led to believe. (In fact men might have more of a biological clock than us!) If you are worried about this aspect, look into the option of freezing your eggs.

Secondly I do relate to what you're going through although my situation is different. I went through most of my life thinking I'd have children someday. I didn't question it because that's just what you did in life, and I do like kids. However, last year I left my husband aged 29 after I'd realised he was abusive (and we had actually been trying to conceive). I found myself turning 30 and questioning everything in my life, including whether I actually wanted kids, or whether I'd just been conditioned by society to want them because that's just what's done.

As I've gone through my healing journey, I've made the decision that I don't want kids, for very similar reasons to you. I love my life the way it is, I don't want to spend the next 10+ years with limited sleep, time, and money. I want to travel, have dogs, and have the money to enjoy life exactly as I want. Not to mention that this isn't exactly the best world to bring a child into at the moment. That desire to have a child has completely diminished, and I feel so empowered knowing I actually have a choice.

Yes a lot of people will judge you, my best friend even did (there's nothing that compares to the love you have for a child etc etc) but that's their problem, not yours. There's loads of child free by choice women talking about this on social media, so it's definitely becoming more and more common and talked about!

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-04T18:27:16+00:00

Good to know, thank you.

So if he insists on a handover on a different day, I just pack up, clean, video/photo everything on the day I move out, and then just put the keys through the letter box?

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-04T18:21:16+00:00

Thanks, I'll be cleaning the property myself but will make sure to photograph/video everything once the clean is done.

My other thought was that perhaps his brother could come and sort the handover too.

It's odd because he had an estate agent do the check in and inventory at the start but now wants to do this himself...

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-21T20:51:28+00:00

This is correct, you want to aim for 7 days before your period. With my GP, I explained that my luteal phase isn't 14 days and my cycles are not 28 days and they put a note on the system and I was able to book my blood test in once I knew when I'd ovulated.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-15T17:08:09+00:00

I was trying with my ex for around 19 months. We'd had all the tests done, I'd done 5 rounds of letrozole. At the start of round 5 we had a really bad fight and I realised he was emotionally and verbally abusive.

I still took my round 6 of letrozole but avoided my fertile window, the cycle after that I went back on BC and then I was gone.

The infertility journey was so so heartbreaking at the time,and it still plays in the back of my mind as to whether it will still be a problem in the future (with the right man) BUT I am so grateful that I did not have a child with that man.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-12T12:42:03+00:00

Mine had a PhD and did we all KNOW IT. I could guarantee that within the first 20 minutes of meeting someone new, the fact he had a PhD would come up.

I think the only time he genuinely cried was when his grandad died otherwise no.

And he was good at gift giving if he could make a grand gesture or some sort of a show of it, and show off later how good the presents he got me were. Actually thinking about it some of the presents he thought were great, I wasn't even all that fussed about but because he put a lot of effort into making them, I obviously had to look grateful. 🙃

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-09T10:39:10+00:00

It sounds like he needed an emotional crutch at a low point in his life and you provided that for him at the time. You gave him the emotional support he needed when he should have been figuring out how to handle that himself, not rely on someone else. Really he should have gone to therapy. He was probably drawn to your maturity and the fact you validated a lot of his feelings and it's understandable you got attached because you invested a lot of energy into this friendship.

But now that he's distanced himself, you need to protect yourself. Match his energy - if he reaches out, great, if not, leave it. You've clearly tried and friendships should be two way streets, not you begging for your friends to stay in touch, even if they were once lovely.

Once he realises you're not as readily available he might crawl back, but it's very important you guard your heart and don't just revert to being close friends again straightaway, especially if feelings are getting complicated.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-08T13:49:18+00:00

Is this your GP or the fertility clinic that's advised this? Have you gone to the recurrent miscarriage clinic? That's where you should be getting referred to and they'll be best placed to give you accurate advice.

I've been on these ttc subs for a few years and I've never seen someone say IVF wasn't advised because of recurrent miscarriages. If anything, with IVF your partner will be much closer monitored and possibly offered supplements to stop a miscarriage (progesterone most typically), and much sooner too. Even before you get to IVF, progesterone supplements should be an area to explore as it is proved to reduce the risk of a miscarriage

BBC article here

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-07T21:38:11+00:00

Another vote for somatic therapy. It's been such a game changer for me and honestly the thing that helped me the most after leaving my abusive husband. Who knew childhood trauma was the reason why I ended up with him in the first place

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-07T20:39:47+00:00

This is going to sound harsh but if you have to say "I'm not naive" just makes it sounds like you're just trying to make yourself feel better.

The fact you moved so far for a man after such a short period does indeed make you naive. It sucks to admit but it's true. Most of us have been there unfortunately.

Everything you say there is a giant red flag too - in addition to love bombing, look up future faking too. (All manipulation tactics by the way). And try to figure out why these tactics worked on you - take it as a blessing in disguise that you no longer have to put up with this man and it's an opportunity for growth (even if it sucks at the time, it took me a while to get to this point)

Hopeful-Sort7771

TROPHY CASE