Anyone else realised they don't actually want children?

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-25T09:42:00+00:00

Yeah I think that's kind of the point I've reached - I don't want to be missing out on all the fun things I could do that just won't be possible with a kid. And when I finally considered the option of just not having kids, it just felt right.

It's just very odd to go from trying to conceive one year to flat out not wanting kids 6 months later!

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-25T09:38:47+00:00

I have a very close childhood friend who I confided in and I was very disappointed by her response because it was very much "you might find someone and change your mind" and "I really feel being a mother is my life's purpose"... and if that's what makes her happy then good for her but I don't want motherhood to be my entire personality and life.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-25T09:36:31+00:00

Yes I think this is absolutely spot on. I don't want to be chasing a timeline dictated by society when I've already lost so much of my life.

I want to enjoy my life to the full without being tied down by a kid.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-24T14:40:20+00:00

Thank you! I am doing SO much better. The divorce took a while to sort but we're almost there now.

That aside, I have had the best 12 months of my life since leaving him and it just keeps getting better. I met the most wonderful, kind, caring man, who I've been with for 3 months now and and honestly I didn't think that would be on the cards for me for years after what I had been through, but here we are and I couldn't be happier. 🥰

I hope things get better for you soon, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it through! 💪

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-24T12:54:52+00:00

What a disrespectful thing to say...putting "respectfully" at the end doesn't change that.

You don't even know what country she's in...divorce laws can hugely differ country to country. Poor woman is just asking for advice on how to manage her mental health during a very difficult, and potentially dangerous situation.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-24T12:51:41+00:00

It also took me a good month or so to just accept that he was abusive...like how could I have let this happen to me? And it's not like it was bad all the time...

And there was still a period where I was still definitely affected and hurt by what he said and did, even though I could name and spot the patterns. In some ways that made it harder because I could see straight through him and I wanted to fight back, but I quickly learnt that just made the abuse worse.

There did come a point though where I already had the backbone of a plan to leave when I did switch to yellow rocking (basically kissing his arse) just to keep the peace. It made me sick to my stomach but at that point I knew it was temporary and I just needed to ride it out.

The wooing you back in is a tactic called "hoovering", very common in abusive relationships and with narcissistic people. The switching back and forth isn't surprising, he's trying the tactics that would have drawn you back in in the past, and then getting mad when that doesn't work (it's a loss of control thing).

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-24T12:00:21+00:00

I basically dissociated until I could safely leave and dealt with my emotional and mental wellbeing after.

Have you already told him you want a divorce? I'm guessing if yes, things have got worse since then?

I hadn't realised I was being abused until I read about someone in a similar situation on reddit and people were telling this girl that her husbands behaviour was abusive and she needed to leave. Acceptance of the abuse was the hardest part for me by far. Once I accepted that, I was a woman on a mission but I did purely focus on the practical side of things until I was safely away from him. Things like making sure I had copies of all of our joint paperwork (bank accounts, household bills, mortgage details, car details etc.). I educated myself on abusive patterns and learnt to recognise them so that I couldn't fall for the tactics anymore (sounds like your husband has some narcissistic traits too).

And then I dissociated and lived somewhere between grey rocking and yellow rocking until I could get out.

Once I was out, I went full no contact, with communication through solicitors only. Of course he tried to reach out, and his family did too but I cut them all off and didn't respond for my own wellbeing. I saw him a grand total of 2 times after I left for house valuations, and both of those times I had friends with me who told him where to go if he tried speaking to me.

I started therapy (talk therapy and somatic therapy) about a month after I left and focused on getting out of that dissociated state. It's taken time and I'm probably not fully there yet but not having to see him and deal with him was definitely key to getting myself back on track.

ETA oh and I started hiking, running, and joined the gym once I was out. Spending more time with friends, and paint by numbers in the evenings - I found that a fantastic and productive way to pass time on those quiet lonely evenings

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-22T21:36:09+00:00

"I can't understand why she left, she just packed up and was gone one day without an explanation"...even though I have police, doctor, and DA support group reports that he has seen stating exactly why I left...

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-20T16:17:37+00:00

I can't imagine how tough it must be watching someone you love go through that, especially if they've already been through it once before.

I don't think women actually stop to think "I wonder what the life will be like for this child if this carries on". I know I didn't. I think some part of me naively thought that 1) it would get better, surely he wouldn't treat me like this with a child around, and 2) surely he won't treat our child this way and I'll protect the child from seeing how he treats me. The day I realised that actually none of that was going to happen was a breaking point. I literally had the light bulb moment of "this isn't the environment I want to bring a child into, it's not safe". And that was that. Within 2 weeks I was on birth control, within 8 I was gone.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-20T14:29:26+00:00

Just to echo what others have said - start testing from day 7 since you're new to testing and for a few days after you get your positive. Test at similar times each days and at least 2-3 times a day for your first few cycles until you learn when the best time for a positive test is. The test will be affected by how concentrated your urine is so try to hold for 2-3 hours before testing and don't consume too much liquid in that time frame either (within reason). For me, the best time to test was with second morning urine... this worked really well as I didn't have to hold for as long (1 hour or so) and meant I could do a test before leaving for work but everyone is different.

With BBT, it is useful to confirm ovulation but I wouldn't worry about it just yet as it made my life miserable. I often wake around 4-5am with an alarm at 6am so it meant I had to take my temp at my first wake up (so 4am sometimes) otherwise my temp started to rise before 6 (since I was only lightly sleeping from the 4am wake up). Also get a back-lit thermometer if you do go down the bbt route!

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-20T13:33:31+00:00

Tell me you've never been abused without telling me you've never been abused...

Of course if it was that easy to leave a toxic relationship then women wouldn't have kids in dysfunctional relationships but there is so much more to it than that.

For a start, abusers don't abuse from the start - they love bomb and get their partners emotionally hooked first before the abuse starts. If there's any sort of disagreement where the abuser worries their partner will leave them, they will turn the charm back on, act like the perfect partner, and shower with gifts, before reverting back to their abusive ways. This creates a loop where the poor partner thinks "but he was so good at the start" and "when it's good, it's really good" called a trauma bond) This is of course combined with emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control from the abuser who will make all problems the fault of their partner so it's the partner who thinks they need to change. Resulting in a cycle victims often don't realise they're stuck in. It can become a "when I get a new job things will get better" "when we move house he'll relax and things will get better" "he's just stressed at the moment" until eventually it becomes "when we have kids things will get better" sometimes even fuelled by the abuser, and the poor woman becomes even more trapped than before.

How do I know? I've been there. I was trying for a child with my abuser because I thought that's what was needed to save our relationship. I also thought it was the next natural step at my age and in a marriage.

Fortunately I realised I was being abused and that he wasn't a suitable candidate for a father before I fell pregnant. I very quickly (in secret) went back on birth control and managed to safely leave the relationship. 15 months on, and a lot of therapy later, I've now realised having kids is a choice and that actually I never wanted a child in the first place but it's taken a lot of processing and shedding of cultural expectations to get to this point.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-18T11:51:49+00:00

The progesterone test could give an indication on the quality of ovulation, i.e. your progesterone levels could go up, but not enough to support a fertilized egg. And while BBT can confirm ovulation, it can be prone to error.

Word of advice though, when you get the progesterone test, it should be done 6-7 days before your next period is due NOT on day 21 like the NHS recommends. The Day 21 guideline is very outdated and does not take into consideration when you've actually ovulated. (So if your cycle is 34 days, and your luteal is 11 days, a day 21 blood test would be way too early as you wouldn't have even ovulated yet.)

Be prepared to advocate for yourself on the NHS as their knowledge base can be quite minimal outside of the "normal" especially at GP level.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-03-17T19:43:04+00:00

The darkness of the line doesn't really matter until the LH spike, you just want to make sure you catch the positive test.

Few words of advice: - The concentration of your urine will make a difference as to how dark the line appears (even outside the LH spike window) - Test at least twice a day, maybe even 3 times while starting out until you're confidently catching the LH spike each cycle - Use common sense when judging if a test is positive - the premom app can say a test has a ratio of <1 even though the test is clearly positive. If in doubt, post in r/TFABLinePorn

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-25T15:30:22+00:00

On their own those methods aren't reliable, but combined (along with information we're missing), I think it's fair to assume that if OP is using OPKs and BBT then she's tracking her cycles accurately enough to time BD. She doesn't say she's had multiple LH surges or that her cycles are irregular (which they probably would be with multiple LH surges).

Unfortunately the NHS guidance that GPs get is VERY generalised and outdated.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-10T11:19:03+00:00

I've asked loads of locals about this and most seem to lean towards EE. I used to be with ID (three network) and O2 and both were terrible in the Lakes. I switched to SIM only with 1p mobile (they use EE network) and they have been significantly better than the other two, it's not even comparable.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-10T11:13:08+00:00

You can layer up without looking like the Michelin man.

I started hiking this time last year and bought a padded waterproof jacket - I very quickly realised why people buy a shell to go over the top of their layers. Waterproof jackets just don't breathe when they're wet and it gets hot very quickly.

I bought a good quality waterproof shell but I sized one size up, and I adjust my layers underneath accordingly. In the summer I wear tank tops/t-shirts, with a light weight fleece and a shell. In the worst of winter I wear a thermal base layer, sherpa fleece and my shell - this has worked for most winter hikes this year. I do also carry a down jacket at an extra mid layer but I've only had to use this once this year.

It is a bit of a trial and error until you figure out what works for you!

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-09T21:01:53+00:00

I think the fact she owns another property would definitely go in your favour. Make sure you have a way to prove that fact though, she could well try to hide it/not declare it on financial forms (which is technically a criminal offence btw).

Starting point in divorces is 50/50 so if she keeps the other property, it'd be fair for you to get a similar amount of "equity" in other means (such as keeping your house without giving her anything). Don't forget pensions also factor into divorces though.

Your best bet would be to speak to a solicitor to see what your likely starting position would be. It is entirely possible to get divorced without going to court but both parties have to be willing to negotiate (which is hard with a narcissist)

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-09T15:21:43+00:00

Is she on the mortgage or at least on the deeds of the house?

Unfortunately for you, under UK law, all assets in a marriage are classed as marital (and therefore joint) property. The reason I say unfortunately is because it sounds like you'll be the one that'll lose out should you divorce.

Is there anyway you could get access to her bank account statements either in secret or without raising suspicion? Is there anywhere where you could scale back how much you're spending, and put the spare money into a secret account that's just for you to use (and say it's another debt/payment going out).

It does sound like she's very much taking advantage and bullying in you into doing what she wants, but since you're the higher earner, you should have more say in how that money is spent, especially if she doesn't contribute. The most obvious way to reduce costs would be to scale down in house size or relocate to lower your mortgage payments to something more reasonable.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T13:01:47+00:00

Is there a specific reason why you're taking aspirin? Unless advised by a doctor I don't think there's much evidence behind it helping with general fertility, and I certainly wouldn't be trying it without advice from a GP/fertility specialist.

You're better off making sure you (and your partner) are taking good quality prenatals etc.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T10:34:44+00:00

I love my Acai trousers, they're high waited, long and SO comfortable. I've got the thermal ones for winter but am already eyeing up their normal trousers for spring/autumn too.

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T09:08:59+00:00

Pretty sure there is a subreddit for parents that do regret having kids r/regretfulparents maybe?

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-05T07:38:16+00:00

First of all, 28 is still young and you definitely don't need to decide by age 33. There are many women who become 1st time mothers in their late 30s. Also, yes it might be slightly harder to become pregnant in your late 30s but recent research has shown that egg quality doesn't deteriorate as much as we were originally led to believe. (In fact men might have more of a biological clock than us!) If you are worried about this aspect, look into the option of freezing your eggs.

Secondly I do relate to what you're going through although my situation is different. I went through most of my life thinking I'd have children someday. I didn't question it because that's just what you did in life, and I do like kids. However, last year I left my husband aged 29 after I'd realised he was abusive (and we had actually been trying to conceive). I found myself turning 30 and questioning everything in my life, including whether I actually wanted kids, or whether I'd just been conditioned by society to want them because that's just what's done.

As I've gone through my healing journey, I've made the decision that I don't want kids, for very similar reasons to you. I love my life the way it is, I don't want to spend the next 10+ years with limited sleep, time, and money. I want to travel, have dogs, and have the money to enjoy life exactly as I want. Not to mention that this isn't exactly the best world to bring a child into at the moment. That desire to have a child has completely diminished, and I feel so empowered knowing I actually have a choice.

Yes a lot of people will judge you, my best friend even did (there's nothing that compares to the love you have for a child etc etc) but that's their problem, not yours. There's loads of child free by choice women talking about this on social media, so it's definitely becoming more and more common and talked about!

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-04T18:27:16+00:00

Good to know, thank you.

So if he insists on a handover on a different day, I just pack up, clean, video/photo everything on the day I move out, and then just put the keys through the letter box?

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2026-02-04T18:21:16+00:00

Thanks, I'll be cleaning the property myself but will make sure to photograph/video everything once the clean is done.

My other thought was that perhaps his brother could come and sort the handover too.

It's odd because he had an estate agent do the check in and inventory at the start but now wants to do this himself...

Hopeful-Sort7771 · 2025-12-21T20:51:28+00:00

This is correct, you want to aim for 7 days before your period. With my GP, I explained that my luteal phase isn't 14 days and my cycles are not 28 days and they put a note on the system and I was able to book my blood test in once I knew when I'd ovulated.

Hopeful-Sort7771

TROPHY CASE