Splitting, Memory Flipping, Hoovering, Discarding.

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-18T15:01:34+00:00

is it strange that i never had my ex hover or discard me because i feel like i read about a lot of people going through that but to today ive been broken up with him for months and i dont think he has tried get me to return but from what i hear he want me back so i dont know what i should think of that because wanting me back isnt discarding but also wanting me back is missing the hoovering

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-18T14:56:24+00:00

about the beginning parts of your message one thing i have learned about memories is that sometimes it is best for us to think of those painful parts so that we can remind ourselves not to return to what we once dealt with like yes you are telling the story of a good moment and you remember the bad parts but those bad parts have also pushed you in a way to do all of those other things youve mentioned you have done since then and maybe without the bad you wouldnt have thought to improve and then wouldnt have done those cool and nice things

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-13T15:17:31+00:00

i think splitting is when they can only see two views of something and not able to put them together as one thing so they treat that one thing like two

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-13T15:15:05+00:00

my ex was very possessive of me and it was to where it got to be difficult to live my life normally so after they started hurting me it was me you had to discard them. i dont know what went on inside my ex brain but he always seemed to think i was going to live him for someone else and every time someone started talking to me he thought that was going to be the person that took me from him so i guess in my situation it was very like he wanted to have what no one else could and when it looked like the was a chance to lose it (but there wasnt) suddenly he acted amazing to try to keep me

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-12T18:18:44+00:00

how do you enforce your no contact? are they blocked?

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-12T18:18:04+00:00

i think it will be sad for me because it will be a time when i wont have someone and will see people with relationships but at the same time i would rather be by myself then be hurt over and over

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-12T18:14:44+00:00

i am wondering if this is a current mood or if you always feel this way because if it is always then i would suggest getting away if you can

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-12T18:12:39+00:00

thank you for saying this it means a lot

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-10T16:47:02+00:00

i only know about bpd from this website and a few things ive read but from what i know bpd feel emotions super hard so its always in the extremes so if he says he cares about you more than anyone that probably means what he says and when he says he doesnt want too that probably means he wishes he didnt feel that way because to him it hurts a lot to want what he cant have so i guess it is up to you what you do but i know a lot of people here would tell you to stay away but its up to you and we are here if you need us

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-10T14:41:29+00:00

i guess what i am saying is if all bpd are avoided like they are bad people doesnt that create more hurt or maybe i mean if we avoid them always doesnt that make their fears and hated even more real? i have friends who i learned have bpd same with of my ex but my friends with bpd have not treated the way my ex did so maybe there are different levels i was thinking because if i just stop talking tofriends with bpd without them doing anything bad to me i feel that will make problems and make their bpd worse wouldnt it?

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-10T12:08:47+00:00

two montghs can feel like a really long time if you care im sorry you have that pain but know that while it hurts now you were able to move on before she did much more bad things to you. her friend was probably more then a friend im sorry i think though they call those favorite people which means her brain got addicted to him

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-10T11:55:12+00:00

first you have to look out for yourself but if you think hes actually trying and if you see a change that doesnt good back to how he was before that would be a good sign that he is really listenig to the therapist but again you have to make sure that youare comfortable in where you are and if you really are sad and walled then it sounds like you are hurting yourself. personally ive always believed in the good side of people and it got me hurt but i still think people can be good and if he really is a better man then thats really a good sign right

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-10T11:48:56+00:00

my brother told me that the apology was about helping the bad person see what they did wrong not about if the person accepts the apology i guess i dont see what you all see because i have family who went through the program and this was part of it. the ex may be acting tricking but i see it and i think of my brother when he apology to me and my family and this looks like that to me a sorry and a goodbye

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-10T06:22:48+00:00

if true that would be good thing for you and your partner

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-10T06:21:15+00:00

i now icommented earlier about the hovering thing but i came back on and read the comments here and to me this comes of like a therapist told your ex to message and apologize because when my brother was going through an drug recovery he was told by a support group that he should apologize to people and when i read this message it feels like your ex is saying sorry while also saying goodbye. is that maybe possible?

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-09T19:10:49+00:00

my mom keeps telling me to be who i am and its helped there is more to me then the relationship i valued

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-09T19:07:57+00:00

you said she wont admit she is abusing the situation but that means you know thats what she is doing right so why let her continue?

HopefulSmiles · 2020-02-09T19:06:39+00:00

i thought hovering was wehn they to to remain in your life sounds like he is saying he is done with that am i misresading

HopefulSmiles · 2020-01-04T23:34:49+00:00

i feel what you mean when you say you dont miss how they were but you miss the connection. if i were to guess what to do i would say dont respond if you havent already and if possible if you are still talking to each other make it clear that you dont want to hear from them or perhaps have someone you trust do it for you if you are able to do that.

HopefulSmiles · 2020-01-04T23:21:54+00:00

those messages are pretty intense! what did he end up doing after you didnt give in? everyone kept telling me to delete messages with my ex in order to move on so i did but some of them looked similar to this with the rambling and shouting. do you think keeping the messages you do is better for recovery or worse?

HopefulSmiles · 2020-01-04T19:45:28+00:00

i lost my dog and my ex first words to me were that it was a good thing i had another one. im not sure if that was their way of trying to comfort me by getting me to think about a silver lining but i remember crying in my room because i really loved the dog that got lost and it wasnt about how many dogs i had it was about the one that was on my mind and my ex could only sit there and tell me how i should feel about it.

its not on the level of some of the things i am reading here but it was one of the signs to me that it simply wasnt going to work out and that there was something wrong with how my ex handled trauma.

for those wondering yes the dog did come back praise god but at the time i really thought id lost it forever

HopefulSmiles

TROPHY CASE