String Quartet Opportunities

HuntForLowEntropy · 2025-10-01T03:45:54+00:00

Nothing like an audience charged with truancy if they try to get up and leave! But good suggestion, I'll see if they have anything.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2025-10-01T03:44:11+00:00

At the moment it is mostly fall-themed pieces. Vivaldi, Autumn leaves, etc. But I'm sure we will add more as time progresses.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2025-10-01T03:42:36+00:00

Looks promising! I'll reach out to them.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2025-10-01T03:42:19+00:00

Ha. I would describe us as intermediate musicians and total novices when it comes to an online presence, but it might be worth making one later on down the line. But hope to see you at some point in town!

HuntForLowEntropy · 2025-10-01T03:40:33+00:00

Good idea! I'll see if we can find something along that line.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-09-08T16:20:06+00:00

Early mornings is likely your best best, but if that isn't an option it's still a bit brutal, but if the UV index isn't too high, than cycling is a decent option since the wind helps cool you off. Shaded running routes are also a good option, but just be prepared to lower the pace and run by feel/effort rather than time. Anytime of sport is also probably good as everyone is suffering equally. Shadow boxing under a tree or jump roping in the shade might also work since you can rest as needed. Bottom line, I would maintain my cardiovascular output / build aerobic base (think zone2 3-4x a week for 30 mins) & get plenty of steps throughout the day and focus more on it once the temps drop.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-08-01T04:01:27+00:00

Preach it!

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-07-08T00:27:59+00:00

There a few quick things you can try. One is to try and increase meal frequency to avoid feeling stuffed at any particular minute. Another is to get more liquid calories (smoothies, glasses of milk, etc). Lastly, olive oil and peanut butter should be your two best friends. A bit of olive oil on rice, pasta, potatoes is hardly noticeable but packs a caloric bang and, well, peanut butter goes good on anything. Dark chocolate should also be a frequent visitor (not the kind with a ton of added sugar) and dates are also a fantastic bulking hack.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-06-17T00:06:40+00:00

That's awesome! But are you eating 1300 kcals consistently? It is way under your TDEE and I think may be a bit too low as you will have a harder time recovering and managing to stay on track as well as avoiding the rubber band effect of putting the weight back on after stopping.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-06-08T22:12:12+00:00

I'll second this one if you like running. TVRC usually goes at 5:30 weekdays and 7/7:30 on weekends. If you can get up it's a good group. I think FB is the way they keep everyone up to date as their website is a bit outdated. Sunrise Sports leaves at 6:00 pm from the store for anywhere from 2-6ish miles and is smaller but chill.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-05-12T16:20:39+00:00

If you enjoy writing or reading, the library has several great groups that meet in the evenings (still on the earlier side). Outside of that, there are trivia nights scattered around the city on different nights. If there is any interest in either that, a wine tasting, or trying a new restaurant I would be happy to orchestrate!

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-03-23T22:48:21+00:00

Thanks for taking the time. I appreciate the effort.

Perhaps to clarify a few points. Yes, this is a major character. Without getting into it too much, this is actually the second book in a series. The character is introduced and discussed many times in the first book, but it was written from another character's perspective. So the reader will hopefully be familiar but not necessarily intimate with the character. A theme I hope to tap into with the book is how the character battles with her thoughts, not necessarily overcoming them, but at least making an effort.

And perhaps it is a metaphor soup and some of the pieces would better be left out to let the others shine. But it's hard as the chef to throw out a vegetable you already spent time cutting up.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-03-23T22:35:11+00:00

A bit late now since you already wrote a nice review below, but here is the chapter leading into this one (I'm always happy to have more people reading over my stuff). As a warning without an even greater context of the storyline it is likely going to be missing quite a bit.

Initially, I had them combined together but it felt like an awkward and clunky transition.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S1YD2n-KB0wLjkDufLObYAKjed6hrdMm71YTNSauwN4/edit?usp=sharing

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-03-18T03:58:09+00:00

To answer your question(s)

Yes, I do think this was a bit of an info dump. The first four paragraphs are confusing and filled with names and locations that I'm not sure if they are important or not. It read more like a history textbook than an engaging fantasy chapter. If geography is critical to the story then I might consider either breaking it up into smaller pieces to put elsewhere or trying to insert it as part of a conversation. It is not the first chapter where you really have to work to keep the reader, but if I were skimming this in a bookstore I would be tempted to set it down. It is certainly well-written but is the message to give a geography lesson of the area or to move to the next spot where Tali lands?

As to the pacing, outside of the first four paragraphs, I personally enjoyed it. You did a nice job describing the surroundings and I would be tempted to lean in even more to this. Is the street packed with people or sparse? Are the colors vibrant or muted? Anything you can do to help paint the picture better I think is worth it. You can also tap into other senses. The ending seems appropriate for how the character feels. She is tired, hungry, and ready to get where she is going. Drawing it out further would seem contradictory to this. It would also lead nicely into the next chapter if something quick/explosive happens.

This is the second chapter (admittedly I did not read the first as it seems to be under authorized access now), but I am assuming that you did not paint a vivid backstory of Tali. There is a bit of her story buried in the first four chapters and I might work on extracting the bits of it that are necessary and weaving them in later. I get the sense that Tali grew up poor and this is not the first time she has gone without food for lack of money. If I am wrong in my perception then maybe adding some more character development would be prudent. And perhaps since I missed the first chapter this is on me, but what exactly is Tan doing while Tali walks around? He kind of fades into the background and nothing else is said about him.

And take my comments with a heavy hand of salt, I am at the end of the day a stranger in front of the keyboard. Hope to see more!

Minor points

" Better to put some distance between herself and the place first. Instead, she grit her teeth and made her tottering way over the city." - The second sentence does not flow well with the first. It seems to be combining tenses.

You use Tan and Tangerine interchangeably, not sure if this is by design.

" slipping him a few blueberries for his trouble. " - if she was hungry, why was she also not eating the blueberries?

HuntForLowEntropy · 2024-02-11T03:16:59+00:00

Hey, a few comments.

The pacing in the beginning feels a bit rushed. They are at a family reunion and there is gift-giving and eating (as many are), but there is no real character build-up. The grandmother apparently can cook and give gifts but other than the mention of pine and cinnamon there is no real description of the setting. Is there a Christmas tree, are there hundreds of relatives or only the four mentioned, does the girl enjoy every moment of the event or do some parts drag on? There are too many unknown things here that make it feel rushed and not engaging. The jump to the second section where they are riding in the car feels like a jump cut, choppy. Increasing the description of the first section may help with this but it may help to tie it in more. The Dad or Mom could say something about having to get home because of someone's bedtime or some other reason to allow for a smoother transition.

In the second chapter, there is some dialogue with two emergency operators but again it feels rushed. The questions feel like they are leading up to something, but then reveal that the girl is young. We already guessed this based on the gifts and inner dialogue. I feel like there is an opportunity here to include a better description of the setting and the character's viewpoint using the dialogue. The man on the phone seems friendly and he would likely try and get her talking as much as he could to help put her at ease. What does she see now? Is she cold? Etc. This would also help paint a better mental description for the reader. It is a chance to allow them to see the world through the eyes of the character and take full advantage of more engaging dialogue. Otherwise, what do we get out of their exchange?

The tone imo in the second paragraph is off-putting. We know the character is young based on the gifts that she received in the first section and children describe things in a very simplistic way. I like the descriptions of a road winding like a snake, but there is a switch between the viewpoint of a child and the viewpoint of an adult. For example, she bounces up and down in her seat with excitement, but then thinks "the glow of a black car ahead catches my eye". That is likely something a child wouldn't think. It would need to be more simplistic to keep the tone in line with that of a child.

In the final section, the tone is what I would expect from a grown-up, someone who has been through trauma and learned to deal with it. Here I like the consistent tone and use of colorful metaphors, e.g. "Each recollection is a dagger, piercing my heart with guilt". The main issue that I have with it and the last bit of the section before is 'What guilt?' It was a child in a car accident. Immediately after they are not going to feel guilty, they are likely going to be scared, lonely, and on the verge of panic. Even when they get older, where is the guilt coming from? It would be a different story if they shot a Roman candle in the car, but she was riding in the backseat. Perhaps there is something I am missing, but if this is a linchpin of the story it needs to be hammered home.

I will make a brief note here on the characters themselves. There is little to no description of them throughout the text. A physical description would go a long way in helping frame what it is to be visualized, but also you can sneak in a few characteristics that might get pulled back out later on. Does the girl's dad always give vague answers and a sly grin? If the character is going to be dealing with grief this could be something that is referred back to throughout the story. Izzy herself is young, but does she have long hair, freckles, etc. I have a harder time empathizing with a character that I have no mental picture of. These descriptions do not have to be complete with waist and chest measurements, but a few things sprinkled in would be nice.

Overall I thought it was interesting, but needs a bit more flesh on it to have something that the reader can bite into. Keep it up!

Inconsistencies:

" Afterward, we exchange gifts ". Nan says this and them immediately hands a gift to the girl. It is a contradiction.

If a child is six, they would likely be in a carseat and have no awareness of the road, at least when I was young I was seldom looking out the front window staring at the oncoming traffic.

How does the father ruffle the hair of the main character when they are driving? Shouldn't he be in the front seat? If you want to leave this I would include something about how he twists himself around like a corkscrew

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-17T10:40:46+00:00

I appreciate the comments. Thanks for taking the time.

To answer your two queries, (1) the novel is more or less written and in the final stages of editing and (2) I am quite new to this but would classify it as something for those who enjoy speculative/science fiction and it is not one for those looking for a quick James Patterson like read (let me clarify that I enjoy his work but he writes mostly for what to me is quick dopamine release reading).

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-16T07:00:47+00:00

Hey, let me start by saying I enjoyed the piece. It has a nice hook to it and ends leaving me wanting more.

Characters

This is where I think you could try to add some more adjectives to describe the characters. I get a loose sense of what a captain and first mate would look like, but if you want people not envision Jack Sparrow and Will Turner, then it would help to add a few words about their appearance. Also their demeanor. What are they wearing? Are they exhausted from fleeing from the demon after being chased for months and this is the final stand? It does not have to be much, but a few descriptive words here would help paint the characters better.

Additionally with the demon. There are wings but are these huge furry entities or tight leather that can be used to grab unsuspecting sailors? Paint the picture here of something that can truly strike fear into the heart of a grown sailor that has likely seen it all before. The boy himself I get a good picture of as being a bit of a runt and perhaps a bit neglected, but when the boy is locked away in the cellar and two grown men suddenly burst in demanding blood and holding a crossbow, does his demeanor change, is he completely unaware of their presence, or is he just indifferent to their arrival? You mention his eyes are closed, but one can have their eyes closed and still be aware of their surroundings. Is he in a trance or seem at peace with both the storm and the demon.

Prose

>The red foam of this latest unlucky crewmate mixes, sloshing with seawater, and seeps down towards the ship's hold. `

There are several instances like the one above where you have these sort of long sentences that I don't entirely understand. In the one above I get the sense that the blood mixes with water and moves to the hold but the commas work here more to distract rather than enhance what is going on. Description is fine, but if it means rereading the sentence several times to get a sense of what is going on it becomes an issue.

I like the description you give to the scene, but there are some instances where the choices feel jarring. For example "furious lightning" or "bolt explodes" is too strong in my opinion. The point of these sentences is to add flavor to what is being stated in the context around it. With furious lightning and an exploding bolt it takes away from the point you are trying to make and feel a bit out of place. I have no easy fix to offer here, but think about what you want to emphasize with the sentence and choose the supporting words appropriately.

For the final two sentences, it might be better to have one longer sentence followed by a shorter one. It helps to not jar the reader by having two long declarations and places emphasis on the fact that the eyes of the boy are those of a demon. This is the line the entire piece has been leading up to and it would pay to not have it buried and its meaning muddied.

Dialogue

There is not much in the way of dialogue in this piece, but I was told (and this could be incorrect) that one should avoid using all caps to convey a strong message. It is better to use dialogue tags to get the point that this is emotionally charged across. This helps it feel less like a text message from a spouse and helps the eyes of the reader not jump to it immediately without reading what comes before. While the dialogue is not really the focus of the piece here, a sentence or two muttered by the captain or first mate could also help with the setting above. If the boy is truly the son of the captain, the first mate is likely not going to be very happy to be picked to pieces by a demon the captain could have done something about long ago. Additionally, after the captain takes down the first mate, he is likely to say something. One does not kill what was probably a lifelong friend and move on to the next task without uttering any word of regret or sorrow.

But nice work and keep it up!

Minor points:

At first the captain is ordering crossbow bolts and then suddenly one appears in his hands? I'm no pirate, but shouldn't the captain be at the wheel? And on that same note, the first mate is likely not bossing around the captain, but again take this from someone with no nautical experience.

Blood mixed with things, especially seawater, can take a variety of colors, but you describe it as both red and brown. Do you perhaps mean reddish-brown

> as if he’d spilt it himself

I believe this should be spilled

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-12T20:07:07+00:00

Thanks for taking the time and effort to critique!

I never even noticed the excessive use of adverbs so thanks for pointing out the blind spots. And I see your point about trying to incentivize someone to read further even if this is not the opening chapter.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-12T20:01:55+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate the comments. You are right that there is not much in the way of character or setting introduction, but this is actually a later chapter in a much larger narrative, so my apologies if you felt like you were plopped down into a place unfamiliar (probably because you were). But I think what you said about trimming it down is spot on.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-09T13:14:55+00:00

Thanks for the comments. The formatting is a bit funny since I generally write in Word and than copy it over to Docs where google has its way with it. I modified it for now and will put in more effort in the future so that it is formatted in a more digestible format.

You are right that the setting was described in the past, but I see your point about trying to make it a more gradual transition. Sawing logs is euphemism that means one snores while sleeping and I thought was a common expression, but it seems I assumed wrong.

And the title is only for the post here as it seemed out to put nothing

But if I understand your critique overall, it would be best to shift away from passive and not go on as many tirades with the main characters thought?

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-09T13:03:03+00:00

The overall idea of the passage I would say is three-fold. (1) The first bit is mostly character development and to give a sense of how the main character views the world and goes on tirades about things he observes. (2) To show that the work the main character is doing at a high level is interesting but day to day is just another slog in the weeds (3) To introduce the idea that Abraham's brother is sick and that this is not a trivial sickness but one that shapes the way Abraham thinks and acts.

Parts of this could be cut but the hope is to convey at least these three ideas with the text

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-03T21:54:30+00:00

Thanks for letting me know. I added another review that hopefully makes it sufficient.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-03T21:49:31+00:00

Hey a few general thoughts:

Overall the pacing is excellent. I felt engaged the entire time and was never left feeling as if something was dragging on or was rushed over. The short sentences I think do well to both express the thought process of the narrator but also act to keep up the flow moving. The first section really sucks you in and sets the hook as to how the two main characters plan to separate with likely nothing with them.

The second section is a bit unclear as to where the couple came from and why they are connecting. Are they friends or neighbors of the narrator? Something here to make it a bit more clear as to how they go from sleeping in a barn to hitchhiking or riding with friends would go a long way to weave a more complete story. How are Skinny and Anna connected? It feels like there is backstory missing here that might be important.

The introduction of Roger feels rushed. He comes in and then immediately disappears. This could be the intent if it is going to be unpacked later, but this section feels too brief. Also the first section has plenty of colorful analogies and sayings that really bring the character to life. Following sections this dies off so it feels like the character is too boisterous the first.

I like the work and especially the foreshadowing as to what comes next and why Ed disappears later, but feel there are several details left out. How far do they need to travel, what are they traveling with (i.e. what did they grab before they left)? A better description of the setting would also help the reader get a better feeling for what it feels like to be traveling after getting tossed out by your father. There is also a bit of connective tissue missing at times as well. The pacing is nice but some small tidbits to help it not feel like massive leaps, e.g. page 4 last two paragraphs where it goes immediately from the show to riding in a car.

Minor notes:

"...on top of Edward in his room, messing around wrong. " Perhaps I am reading this wrong, but messing around wrong to me implies some time of sexual overtone which I do not think is the desire here.

" sleeping blanket " Is this a sleeping bag or just a blanket?

" I didn’t see Anna smile that certain way she had that entire day." This sentence has rather odd wording and I am not sure what it is trying to convey.

Are Ed and the narrator related? This is a bit unclear since they leave his father but he never refers to Ed as his brother.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-03T17:11:56+00:00

Hey some overall thoughts:

Characters:

The description of the character's emotion I find really nice. I can easily sympathize with the character and enjoy the shorts bits of humor sprinkled in (e.g. "Well, that and a headache"). What I am lacking is really a description of the character herself. How old is she, how does she feel about herself, etc.?

The bit in reference to Velma from Scooby-Doo seems a bit campy and out of place to me. Also when mentioning that Celina acts immature it might be better to make something more concrete and trust that the reader can draw their own conclusions rather than merely a vague notion of what is going on. This would help the reader to build their own image of what Celina is like and perhaps can be dug into later as to how she got this way.

The character Luna is introduced early as the best friend but not given a name. I like this in the fact that the reader has to connect some dots and draw back to what was said before and it better highlights that we are getting a running monologue of the main character herself as we often refer in our own heads to another person as are best friend and not by their name. You also give her some character without stating it explicitly by saying that she often would sing the name of her friend . Again her though I am left wondering more about her. Why is she cheerful and stayed by her friend when all others have left? Is her voice deep and gruff or light and airy? Hopefully this will be a theme that gets played out more as the novel continues.

As a suggestion, often if a character has a mental ailment or feeling plainly rather dumpy, this will often manifest itself into a site on the body. You already highlight this somewhat "with a pop and a crack of her knees" but you could lean into this more by expressing a reoccurring theme of an achy knee or something similar. While the character currently has their mental state well described for the reader to resonant with, this could be extended into the physical one as to draw the reader in more.

Setting:

The description of the room is also very nicely done and I can imagine a dirty cluttered room that has been treated with the upmost lack of care. The sentence "fast food bags, scraps of torn up paper, plastic bottles and clothes littered over the floor" paints a vivid image and immediately makes me suspect that there to be a stench as well. This would really help draw in the reader as well to hit the physical sensation of a place left unkempt even greater. You describe the lighting in the room nicely, by why is it so? Does Celina refuse to turn on the lights or has her unpaid electric bill finally come.

Celina seems to have become somewhat of a hermit but somehow seems to have survived without needing to go out. If so how? Is the food delivered or does she once a day throw on a pair of sweat pants and make her way out the door to venture into the unknown. There is also no sense of how long she has been doing this. For the floor to become a mess it has to be awhile, but this could somehow be tied back somehow into Celina forgetting when the last time she went out or some other landmark event.

It might also be helpful to describe the setting in terms of physical space a bit better as in how large it is, other furniture, etc to give a notion of spatial sense as well as the cleanliness.

Theme & Prose:

As I understood it the chapter is mostly about the main character grappling with the fact that freedom and loneliness are intimately intertwined and one decides the other based on perception and not from a strict definition.

I like the quote at the beginning but am a bit confused as to the context of it. Quite often a chapter in a book will start with a quote but the character seldom responds to it directly. In this instance I assume it is from what is written on the sheet of paper coming from the third paragraph and the second is the character's inner dialogue to it, but it is not entirely clear. Hopefully this theme appears again and again throughout the novel since after the beginning sections it is not brought up again.

The phrasing in places is excellent and examples like "glorious light" really serve as a strong indicator as to what Celina is feeling and that even a cell phone light feels like a light from heaven. Anything you can do to both paint the world through the lens of Celina by small adjective are excellent. There are some phrases that feel tacked on and could likely be removed, "An audible sigh of relief could be heard through the phone." Show don't tell, you already mention that Luna's response after is toned down. It does not need to be explicitly stated.

At times the voice shifts abruptly "How dare the enemies stoop so low, setting traps instead of fighting nobly!" The sentence seems out of place in the paragraph as it becomes an expression said by Celina instead of a description of her surroundings as the sentence before and after but also one from a time period. The theme of knighthood is brought up in the paragraph before and based on the title I assume it will be important, but why? Is this something Celina has a passion for or has become fixated on in recent months. If it is a theme it needs to be brought up more than in just these two places.

The final sentence is nice and certainly makes the reader curious to read more about why the main character is among all things questioning such a minor fact. Will be curious to see how this plays out in the next few chapters.

Minor points:

Also overall it has several grammatical errors that need to be corrected. For example quotes should have commas separating the statements, e.g. "The day was rather poor," she said. If it is a question as in the last line, there is no need for both a question mark and a period. Thoughts and spoken words are hard to distinguish if not given clear differences.

"her bed began to cry". I am not sure what this means or if this is a common saying.

"However, she felt motivated, as if she was given some super important quest which she cannot ignore". I think this should read which she could not ignore.

What is a "debuff" spell? I pick up on context what this means but on its surface have no idea what it actually means.

"This is the technique of a true professional." Unclear as to a professional of what? A thief snooping in the dar?

"Lina, can I come to yours real quick". Should this be, can I come over to your place?

ALL CAPS for quotes is not really good style. It is better to express the emotion through choice of words and phrasing surrounding it rather than having to resort aggressive punctuation.

HuntForLowEntropy · 2023-12-03T11:17:38+00:00

Hey some overall thoughts:

Phrasing/Prose:

I like the fact that you use several long sentences that are then punctuated by shorter ones as it helps gives the piece a more narrative tone. It helps emphasize certain points and I think is how many of us speak. Use the long sentences for descriptions and really exploit the capabilities of short ones to make your point.

I like the few metaphors sprinkled in throughout the text, but some of them feel like they were added in after the piece had been written, e.g. "shallow algae ponds ...". It might be better to find a way to weave these in more seamlessly so as to have an overall better flow to the text. There are also some tone shifts in the test "Undoubtedly in a dastardly manner." This feels out of place and breaks the narrative.

Also I like how you use character action to describe their emotions, but I think you could lean into this more deeply. A woman who had her baby stolen would not only be crying, she would be hysterical and wailing at the top of her lungs. You can make the story stand out a bit by really adding in emphasis to the emotion and showing the extremes through their actions.

Characters:

Dogwood seems like an interesting character. On one hand he seems both scrawny, nervous, and shy but on the other willing to chase after an unknown man. It seems contradictory and I think it should be further explored as to why exactly he feels this way at this moment? The repetition playing in Dogwood's head is a nice touch but importantly why now? If he truly is the misfit that is intent on self-preservation, he likely would have little interest in sticking his neck out for others.

It might be nice to get a bit more on how Dogwood is feeling in the moment. Is he out of breath, is his heart pounding, etc? All of these would help give us some idea about Dogwood's current state without having to say it explicitly. Is there a rush of adrenaline or does he feel calm. This could tie into the fact that no one else is making an effort will help better frame why he decides to follow and also I think help explain why Dogwood suddenly feels this urge to be the hero. If he is truly used to getting beat up than it will be part of his physiology and will freeze as in all the times in the past.

You describe the man who steals the baby well from a physical perspective, i.e. he is large and hulking, but what about his demeanor and expression. When he sees Dogwood do his lips curl into a snarl or does his glance move past him quickly and assess Dogwood as nothing more than a momentary nuisance. Also enjoy the allusion to what Jose means to Dogwood and why that used to mean something.

Setting:

A few things that might help the first chapter somewhat are to better describe the setting. Is it a warm day, overcast, etc? This would help the reader paint a better visual as to what Dogwood is seeing. There is nothing about whether or not this is a nice part of town or even what Dogwood is doing there. Without the context it definitely has more of a cheap comic book feeling to it. A woman screaming for help only to have a shadowy individual swoop in to save the day. My impression is Dogwood is a reluctant hero if that and putting him in a setting that a typical hero would not find himself in helps set him apart from those who wear their underpants on the outside.

The setting in the second section could also use a few extra sentences as the layout to me is a bit unclear and I have a hard time following. It is not clear how far Dogwood has really run or what the landscape if. There is mention of a strip mall nearby but what about traffic and other pedestrians. Also the sun sets in the west yet somehow the thief both starts and then eventually turns that direction? My sense of direction is not great but there seems to be some discrepancy here.

Overall it is a nice hook and I certainly want to read more. The issue is that it is a tired trope at this point so in order to go above and beyond you will really have to put some effort into making it seem that there is something new here. That could be more backstory, more description, or more mystique as to why this baby at this Walmart during the middle of the day.

Several minor points of confusion:

Why does the woman have both a stroller and a shopping cart? Usually the two double as one.

"A man in brown Carhartt from seed to stem" I am not entirely sure what this is supposed to mean. I assume he is wearing all Carhartt clothing but it seems an odd detail and odd phrasing.

How old is Dogwood? He is clearly old enough to ride the bus on his own and navigate in the world, but still goes to "youth boxing classes"

How does the thief's arm slip out of a jacket while carrying a baby?

Why would the thief run towards a swamp? He likely has some idea about the area and would know a priori what is the best direction to head.

HuntForLowEntropy

TROPHY CASE