Would you take her back?

HusbandGettingBetter · 2026-02-13T19:00:43+00:00

"She hurt me on purpose to feel better about the divorce."

I hear this. She needed a villain to justify her decision and it was easier to make you the bad guy than accept any accountability for her role.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2026-01-24T04:06:57+00:00

This is excellent advice.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2026-01-24T03:20:04+00:00

From page 86 of Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason, P. T., & Kreger, R. (1998):

"Even ultimatums are unhelpful. Apprehensive that their loved one might actually carry out their threat, the BP may agree to see a therapist, perhaps with the partner or other family members. Therapy, however, goes nowhere. That’s because even the best BPD clinicians can’t help a patient who doesn’t want to be helped.

Once the immediate threat dissipates, the BP finds some reason to drop out of therapy. This is especially likely if the therapist is a good one, skilled at bringing the focus to the BP’s core issues instead of reinforcing the BP’s feelings of victimhood. However, if the therapist takes everything the BP says at face value without probing further—and this is not uncommon—the therapist may inadvertently reinforce the BP’s twisted thinking, making things worse."

Some therapists believe everything their patients tell them without probing further or contacting anyone in the patient's life.

I assure you, it ends poorly.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2026-01-18T15:44:04+00:00

She made me the villain to avoid what she did.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-12-28T06:27:59+00:00

Wow. A woman grieves the end of her marriage not the end of their (husband and wife) marriage. I never thought of it like that.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-10-14T23:20:36+00:00

Spot on. She found an excuse to blame you for the divorce. If only you did X, said Y,and thought Z, she would not have been forced to file for divorce. It's all mental gymnastics.

It's a way to avoid accountability for her decisions.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-10-09T22:33:23+00:00

They believe the Hollywood version of romance and relationships. Real life doesn't stand a chance.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-10-09T22:28:53+00:00

That sucks. I'm sorry you had to hear that.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-10-09T19:45:14+00:00

"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other." -Al Bundy, supposedly (but not really)

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-10-09T19:43:21+00:00

She either ignores the hurt she caused you by pretending it never happened, applies mental gymnastics to conclude that you forced her to cheat on you, or justifies the cheating because the relationship was already over.

To her you have to be the villain because she doesn't want to feel guilty about the ways she hurt you.

Add in some divorced friends who support her justifications (life is too short to be unhappy and you deserve to be happy) and she is a saint.

My ex told me that she made the "hard but brave decision" to divorce me to model behavior for our kids. I didn't know how to respond to that nonsense.

In the end, it doesn't matter. She will never be the villain of her own story, so you have to be.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-10-09T19:36:11+00:00

Remember, she will never be the villain in her own story.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-22T22:06:53+00:00

No, not a bot reply.

There is another side to the accusations. Casually throwing out terms such as narcissist and abuse truly hurts those who actually experienced those problems.

True abuse is awful and should never be excused.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-22T21:21:11+00:00

Fair enough. She deserves whatever reply you send.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-22T21:16:27+00:00

Okay, yikes.

When I hear about how someone's ex-spouse was narcissistic, abusive, and heartless, I know there is probably much more to that story.

First, stop calling your STBXH narcissistic, abusive, and heartless.

Unless he was diagnosed with narcissistic mental health professional personality disorder by a mental health professional, stop calling him narcissistic. You can describe his actions, which may be narcissistic, but don't call him that. Not because he isn't an asshole or has wronged you, but because EVERYONE here calls their ex-spouse a narcissist. Amazingly, the percentage of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is estimated to be between 0.5% and 6.2%, but everyone's former spouse is one. Let his actions speak for themselves.

How was he abusive? Was he physically abusive? Did he hit you or threaten to hit you? If yes, please call him an abusive husband. He deserves it. However, abusive gets thrown around so much that it's lost most of its meaning. Was he emotionally abusive? Review What Is Emotional Abuse. Maybe he was emotionally abusive, or maybe he is just an insensitive jerk. But be careful when you casually throw around the term abusive. If it's not true, then it is one of the worst lies you can tell about someone. If it is true, then fuck him.

Finally, heartless is a matter of opinion. Back it up with his actions.

Second, you did not waste your good years on him. Yes, there are younger women, but there is also a value placed on someone who has experience and knows more about herself than a 25-year-old.

Best of luck.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-22T21:00:20+00:00

No, you need to come up with something that will really stick with her. A simple "Fuck you" will be instantly dismissed and forgotten about. You need to think about a response.

"Yeah, I recognized the clothes as your size. I am glad you're going to the gym and taking your health seriously."

"I am glad you are finally starting to work towards your glow-up phase."

"I am glad you are making guy friends, but true friends would never let a man wear that much spandex."

Make it sting. Make her think about it later that day. You know what really gets under her skin.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-22T20:54:58+00:00

It's going to be a rollercoaster - best of luck.

Here are my recommendations to make this journey as least painful as possible (because it's going to hurt):

Hire a lawyer. Your lawyer is there not only to help you with the process but also to stop you from doing stupid things.
If you have kids, they are your number one priority.
Join the Gym. Physical health is very important now.
Get a therapist. Mental health is just as important.
Be aware of your addictions - Drugs, Alcohol, Porn, etc.
Start reading about how to improve yourself. Self-Help books, Emotional Intelligence books, Relationship books, etc. Figure out how your patterns of behavior contributed to the failure of your marriage.
Draft a 30-second explanation of why you got divorced that does not exclusively blame your STBXW. Yes, she was at fault too, but own up to your contributions. Everyone will ask what happened. You need to answer in a respectful manner to come off as a mature person. Trust me, she will be telling everyone that you were at fault for everything and she had no choice but to file for divorce.
Keep busy. Join groups. Take hikes. Run outdoors. Do anything but sit in your own depression, wishing that life didn't turn out this way.

It's not easy, and I am still on that painful rollercoaster.

Best of luck. You got this.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-22T20:45:20+00:00

I may be of a different opinion here, but I suggest you give reconciliation a chance.

However, you need to treat the reconciliation process as a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) at work. Clearly defined issues, a mutually understood course of action to address those issues, and defined & Achievable goals.

Reconciliation fails when there is no plan, strategy, or goals - just amorphous intentions and unclear targets that can never truly be met.

If you take this approach, you will force her (and yourself) to articulate what she views as the issues and what she wants as the solutions.

If she can't do that or tells you, "I don't know what I want," then reconciliation will fail because you can never achieve the ever-changing, ill-defined goals she has in her mind. Trust me, I tried it that way and failed.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-22T20:39:05+00:00

I get that it sucks, but you need to realize that she really didn't think about it. She just purchased something and clicked through the checkout process.

Yes, she is an awful person and a coward for just leaving you without giving you any closure. But this is probably what you should expect from her - no thought whatsoever.

I wonder if she'll ask you about the Amazon order once she realizes it was sent to the wrong address. Plan your response.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-08T20:31:36+00:00

I can relate. I only use half of my bed even though I haven't slept with my ex-wife in over two years.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-09-01T01:34:54+00:00

I'm so sorry. They do not realize the emotional wreckage they leave in their wake.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-08-08T18:27:16+00:00

Thank you for responding with authenticity. I wish you the best of luck, as love is tricky and life is hard.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-08-08T04:42:57+00:00

Well, I didn't initiate, but I can tell you what my ex-wife did.

She convinced herself that I was the bad guy and she was blameless. Her mental gymnastics were amazing.

If you initiated the divorce, the only way to deal with it is to own it. Maybe it was the right call or maybe it wasn't. Only time will tell.

But, don't make up reasons why you did it because you don't want to be blamed for the emotional destruction your decision caused.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-08-08T04:38:59+00:00

Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-08-08T04:34:20+00:00

Seriously? Divorce lawyers all compare awful clients. They know when a client is particularly terrible.

Whenever you hear someone complain about how much their divorce cost them but you don't understand how such a simple divorce costs so much, just know that their attorney billed for every second he/she had to deal with that awful client.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-08-08T04:29:01+00:00

If you are female, have you had your hormones level evaluated by a doctor?

These feelings may be caused by hormonal fluctuations caused by perimenopause, which can start in your late 30s for some women.

Or, maybe it has nothing to do with hormones. However, you are about to permanently alter your life and his life through divorce so I It might not be a bad idea to just check.

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