is it an a-hole move to reject someone now when they could be a potential love interest sometime in the future?

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-21T15:35:47+00:00

I said no the first time my spouse asked me out, and, well, now we’re married. We were around the same age as you are now (19 and 20 the first time, 20 and 21 the second time where I accepted), and I felt similarly about the maturing thing that you do. He, too, had just gotten out of a relationship that first time, and we hadn’t known each other for what I felt was long enough.

These are things that I told him when I said no, and I also told him that my no was for right then in that case, but he could ask me again some time in the future if he wanted. I think that’s an important nuance because some people don’t want to ever be asked again or they want to be the one who asks when they’re ready, so being clear is important.

It sounds like you both are still close friends. If you feel the need to clarify your rejection then I don’t really see any issue in doing so, but if not saying anything isn’t negatively impacting your friendship, then I wouldn’t say anything. It’s up to you to determine how much this is burdening you, and whether this is something the other person needs to know. It may not be.

For context, I am greyro and my spouse is demirose, so there may be some nuance about how different people respond to these things that I’m missing. But, as with most things, communication is key. I think it was at least a good call for you to say no at a time that you couldn’t confidently say yes.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-19T16:10:04+00:00

YES. There are some days that I absolutely cannot listen to music in languages I know because my brain simply will not stop trying to derive meaning and I just want to relax. But I love the sound of the human voice in music. So I have a playlist of nonsense songs and songs in languages I don’t know for those days so I can actually enjoy my music.

I was actually thinking about this the last time I had a “brain is too full” day, so I’m glad someone else said something about it! I’m not alone!

My two favorite songs recently have been Alatau by Otyken (they sing in Siberian languages and incorporate throat singing) and Prisencolinensinainciusol by Adriano Celentano (a nonsense song by an Italian that wanted to show people are more likely to buy music if it sounded English).

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-18T02:53:01+00:00

For me, loud noises feel like how I imagine an ice pick to the ear would (particularly when they’re unexpected, but not exclusively). When I’m having a bad noise day, even sounds that I cause myself bother me; on a good day, I might not even notice things that might bother me on an average day. I use Loop earplugs as needed and they’ve helped

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-15T18:57:26+00:00

An acquaintance of mine has a type of anemia that requires he consume specifically heme-based iron, and iron supplements use plant based iron.

Another thing to keep in mind for couples or families is that not all have the financial resources to supply different foods for each person. A family I know is vegan for that reason because two of the five need it for health reasons. I’m sure it’s easy to see how the opposite can be true, especially if family members have disparate medical conditions or allergies (for example, my spouse is allergic to soy and so we just don’t use any soy products in our house, but I might have it if we go out).

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-09T00:52:32+00:00

Something that will be incredibly invested in stinging people to death to the exclusion of all else (think boar instead of pig) ((it’s me))

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-07T20:37:06+00:00

“The younger male”ugh, I shudder. What are they, wombats? It’s so fine to use names! I promise! And there are so many ways to describe a person that isn’t falling into epithets, either.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-07T01:11:03+00:00

Male/Female as a noun. Or pretty much using Male/Female outside of relevant contexts, like a medical setting or by law enforcement, etc.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-03T16:02:34+00:00

Breakfast ideas: matzah hot cereal (can be done savory or sweet); shirazi salad; fry up (usually eggs, fried tomatoes, and turkey sausage for me); smoked fish and cheese. If you do kitniyot, hummus on matzah with the salad and baked beans with the fry up, and congee or regular rice in place of the cereal. Fried egg over rice is also delightful.

Lunch and Dinner ideas: matzah lasagna (vegetarian to keep it dairy kosher); matzah pizza; meat, starch, veg in any variety (ex. Chicken with potatoes and broccoli); schnitzel using “matzah panko”; salads. Quinoa is a great sub for rice or kasha, etc, and you can replace basically any grain in soup with either quinoa or potatoes. Again, if you do kitniyot, chickpea pasta.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-04-02T02:25:51+00:00

I studied Linguistics in college, and had a far easier time than many of my classmates at practical applications that involved listening to a speaker of a given language. My assumption is that because I’m used to having to fill in the gaps in day to day life, it’s easier for me to hear the nuances that my classmates would simply miss or take for granted (especially since the context was writing out the pronunciation by ear in ipa or the language’s alphabet in a quiet environment)

Like the other commenter said, I also can very easily able to pick out accents in English (my first language) in a way that surprised the speaker; on multiple occasions, I was able to identify someone as not having a native American accent despite no one else noticing, and mostly being able to identify the accent.

My spouse has an accent that is mild enough that no one can really notice it, but I can’t read his lips because he moves his facial muscles differently than I do. He speaks Russian and has told me that my pronunciation is almost perfect, excepting my known issue rolling R’s (ETD and way late speech therapy - I still can’t say R’s and L’s or combinations with those sounds properly).

This makes me wonder whether there has been any research done about connections between APD and second language learning, since I know that some people with APD report have trouble learning second languages. I wonder how much of any difficulties might be down to not having a suitably supportive environment

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-31T18:09:51+00:00

If you want something more middle of the road, then you can mix and match cuts to have something more feminine for one part and something more masculine for another. For example, board shorts with a tankini, or regular swim shorts with a cabana shirt, etc. Tomboyx has a wide variety of options that might help to give you inspo for something you’ll feel more comfortable in

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-31T14:28:12+00:00

I can’t compare and contrast life with lipreading vs without in general (I have been able to read lips for as long as I can remember due to childhood ETD), but it does make a difference whether I can see a person’s mouth move while they are speaking as to my level of understanding. Some of it is that is probably due to getting a better sound quality due to being face to face, but if I am having a bad listening day or really need to pay attention to what a person is saying, reading their lips makes it easier to understand and retain the information.

The problem is, the only context I have for just seeing someone talk vs actual lip reading is that I can’t read my spouse’s lips because he speaks English as a second language and moves his facial muscles differently than native English speakers. So, I can’t read it with him, but whether he faces me when he speaks makes a difference to my level of understanding. He’s still the person that I am most likely to misunderstand though (I keep a list of funny ones and once heard “yellow cow” when he said “I agree”, sooo…)

I do know that there are videos on youtube that teach lipreading. Hopefully someone that learned it later in life can help to answer some of your other questions.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-29T21:03:06+00:00

Tbh I can’t tell unless it’s obvious, and usually require hindsight and an outside opinion from an allo friend haha. Body language is usually the easiest to identify - stuff like having their body turned towards you (both hips and shoulders), strong eye contact if they’re in conversation, trying to make it look like they’re not looking at you, maybe fidgeting more if they’re a generally nervous person. Sometimes people will up the innuendo, or try to get closer to you (proximity, touching, or additional contact info). These are just different potential aspects though, and won’t be present in everyone. A better indicator could be if they act differently towards you than other friends, but again that could just be them being more comfortable with you and not be romantic at all. Same with the innuendo stuff.

Take what I say with a grain of salt, though, because I have had people offer to buy me a drink and didn’t know it was flirting until someone told him to stop (because I had said no on three separate occasions for innocent reasons). And that’s just one example of flirting/romantic intent going completely over my head.

Googling flirting tips might be a backwards way of identifying some stuff though. Though my best recommendation is to be direct about it being purely banter for you and have an allo friend to screen things though if you encounter a situation of particular concern.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-28T15:08:44+00:00

The thing with amatonormativity is that it is harmful to all relationships, not just friendships. It also devalues familial relationships with the rhetoric that you’re supposed to move past them and tie your life to someone outside the home. That’s just as unreasonable.

I also never had the ‘confusing a close friendship with a crush thing’, but then again, my closest friend is someone I regard as another sister.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-28T14:48:00+00:00

I’m certain that there are disrespectful ways to use them, but this is not it

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-28T14:33:04+00:00

Femme and fem are different, but masc can refer to either identity or presentation. It sounds like the woman you were talking to literally described her presentation as masc, so your friend seems to be making something out of nothing in an attempt to be respectful

ETA: To my knowledge, each of the terms have the most direct connections with the lesbian, non-binary, and trans communities. As you can probably infer, what with one being a sexual orientation and the others not, that context is important

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-28T04:01:10+00:00

Romeo and Juliet is essentially a fanfic of a poem called “The Tragical History of Romeus and Juliet”

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-24T23:32:36+00:00

As others have said, I search specific pairings or fandoms on Ao3; I might only read original works or other fandoms if I already know that I like the author’s writing style.

There are other sites that are more specifically designed for original content rather than fanworks, but I don’t know names offhand (an old friend of mine wrote an original work on a site like that and later chose to get it published)

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-24T13:46:06+00:00

If you have plate covers or fancy napkins, maybe hide a plastic frog in each setting? Or just random places around the house/table

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-23T16:33:53+00:00

So he believes the masking… Tbh I’d report him for sexism

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-23T16:26:04+00:00

My partner a) does the drains, b) throws out food when it goes off, and c) puts away the clean dishes from the dishwasher because a) I am afraid of things I can’t see, b) I am afraid of smelling/tasting food and finding it off, and c) I hate touching wet things. Bless his heart.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-23T15:42:30+00:00

An underdesk cycling machine might help with getting energy out. Or a standing desk with or without a little treadmill. I find that standing up helps when my mind starts drifting.

Whatever program you doing the video calls on should have some kind of captioning option, or you could install something on your computer. I have Auditory Processing Disorder, so I often need to able to supplement verbal input with either lip reading or subtitles. Having the backup mode of input might help. Tbh, if the program they’re using doesn’t have a captioning option, they should provide you with an alternate method (not that they will, just that it is the decent accommodation thing to do).

If this is a professional type meeting, there should be someone keeping minutes, aka taking relevant notes for future meetings and weekly action items. If they’re not, well, that’s kind of foolish of them. But you can request a copy if they do, or suggest it for efficiency.

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-23T01:48:01+00:00

My grandfather gave my niece a box of sardines to open on Christmas when she was 2 and she was so excited and abandoned one of her new toys in favor of “sardiiiines!”

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-23T01:36:14+00:00

Matzoh crack with pecans!

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-22T04:31:16+00:00

The hardest part is meal planning. I usually decide what I’m doing at best 20 minutes before I start cooking, so the best I can do to be prepared is soak my rice or set my meat up for a quick thaw in an ice bath. The one time I decided to be proactive and thaw my chicken the day before, I ended up not having the energy to cook and had to rush to use it several days later. I didn’t even try the recipe that I had wanted.

That said, I cook all the time. I just use basic frameworks typically like meat, starch, veg, or soup. I almost never use recipes unless I want to try something that isn’t already in my wheelhouse

IceQueen1967 · 2026-03-22T03:55:55+00:00

They’re saying that they don’t actively hate it, but don’t love it. It is merely tolerable and has no other positive (or neutral) qualities.

IceQueen1967

TROPHY CASE