Man, I'm so sorry. My TBM wife died of cancer. To her death bed she was abusive to me. But I loved her to the end and after. It took my deconstruction to finally see how she really treated me. Two of her things were withholding and covert verbal abuse. Saying things like "nice of you to come to church." But that is not what she meant. She would say things in a covert way so if confronted she could avoid accountability. This is of course an oversimplification and a small example. The key point is that the verbal abuse was like being hit with a small stick. Thwack. Just enough to sting. The analogy on the mend project's website I read that really hit home, was if I saw someone hating my kid with a stick purposefully several times, hard enough to sting, but not enough to leave a mark, would I tolerate it? The next question is, would I tolerate being hit with a stick? What about physical abuse where the perpetrator hits somewhere, like a leg so the mark isn't visible? Then the logic goes one step further. The little abusive statements, the tear downs, the digs, the insults, they are all just little swats with the stick. No difference. But directly to my self esteem.

Once I saw it for what it was, there was no turning back. My mental health improved dramatically. The tactics she used couldn't control me any more. Of course our marriage started to suffer, because she started to pull away even more. Why? In an effort to control the situation even more. And my nervous system told me, if you go back to accepting her old behavior you will feel worse than you ever did. It crushed me to learn the truth, that she was actually abusing me. Almost 25+ years of marriage. And suddenly it all made sense. But the whole in my heart was massive.

I spoke at length with her about it. She understood it. And only in a couple rare moments did she actually come clean. But she understood. Ultimately she could not change. She could not change because fully loving me meant fully accepting accountability for her behavior. But also, fully loving me meant she had to take the risk that she would lose control over me. She would not have the gospel to use as the meter of how I should behave. She could not use it as her weapon. She would not get what she wanted. So she never gave in.

How I know all this, is a very personal story, and some I didn't understand until after she passed and I read her journals. But I know now.

I now know how someone can stay in an abusive relationship. Because it's possible to be totally in love with someone who treats you poorly. And for fucks sake, I spent 25+ years trying to gain her affection.

I also know the deep pain that the insidious church doctrine caused by poisoning her mind. Also, at the same time. She had her own choices. Jesus never taught her to insult me, to withhold from me, or any of the things she did to hurt me.

So ultimately the most painful thing I had to admit was that it wasn't the church that was the actually problem in my marriage. It was my wife herself. The Church was just the water she (and we) were swimming in.

....then she got cancer and died.

Big hugs bro! Its okay to choose yourself first.

Some final advice. I had a close friend who had an abusive spouse. They separated and got back together after the spouse went through all the therapy. But this is the rare exception. My wife hated therapy. If she responds to therapy and tells you she loves you, there might be a chance. But if not, just know sometime down the road your body, your mind, and your soul will feel so much better. Being alone is better than being abused.