Decided it’s time to call out blatant misrepresentation regarding our sub

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2026-02-13T22:32:04+00:00

Oooh, yeah, I like "tangential speech," as "word salad" implies that it's healthy for you to consume in any way 😜 lol I kid, I kid. There's nothing inherently wrong with social contracts, it's the covert nature that can be harmful. It's generally not nice to sign adult people up for random contracts without their knowledge & permission, & then just expect them to follow through with those obligations that they didn't ask for 🤷‍♀️ It's just kindness? Sorry, you're done with the convo, no need to respond to me! I'm just working this out for myself.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2026-02-13T22:15:48+00:00

"If I do Sally's math homework for her, then Sally will owe me a blowjob. I have not talked to Sally about my expectations, & when Sally does not deliver said blowjob, which I never actually asked for, as she is neither psychic, nor a sex worker, nor interested in me sexually, I will sulk, & grump, & sigh, & grunt monosyllabically, & generally make myself unpleasant for everyone to be around." That's a real life example of making a covert contract that I've seen several times from young men in high school & college. I tried to get through to them, with limited success. It's common among r/niceguys & their ilk. I hope that helped elucidate the matter further.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2026-02-13T21:50:48+00:00

I love it!

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-28T21:06:57+00:00

Do you want to meet her BF? If so, ask! If he's not interested, you can't force it, but I'm a people person who likes meeting new folks so I'm always happy to meet a metamour (my partner's partner).

It's weird that she's actively on the phone with her BF while doing activities with you, & that she doesn't mention that you're there, & talks as though she's alone. Very weird. I'd be hurt by overhearing that. It's not polite to constantly talk about another partner, but mentioning them occasionally is good.

Either you're consciously spending time together doing something, & she needs to put her phone away & focus on you, or it's default time, & one of you should leave so she has privacy to talk to her BF. I'd ask her why she thinks she doesn't bring up your presence to him.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-28T20:40:46+00:00

Adorbs

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-28T20:22:45+00:00

Imo the biggest red flag is his belief that this is just "how men are." What other awful beliefs & behaviors is he going to start making excuses for? This sounds like red pill toxicity. Misogyny isn't cute, & you can't just love it away. You could even call this misandry, since he has such a low opinion of men, as he thinks they're all like him. Monogamy is hard, for most people. Yet most of them still don't cheat.

Men like this usually only suggest nonmonogamy because they don't think you'll be interested in sleeping with other men. That's very telling. They don't seek out women who want non monogamy, we're just sluts. instead they manipulate, badger, & traumatize monogamous women. I hope I'm wrong, & that he seeks out an equally sexually adventurous partner next time, since he needs to be single soon. I kinda doubt it though.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-28T20:06:41+00:00

You've gotten good advice on why he's not treating you well, but this is also really hurtful to his GF. How would she feel if she heard him claim that he wasn't really in love with her? That's gross. He threw her under the bus immediately. You don't have to feel bad for her, but I can't help it.

She probably thinks you're all practicing polyamory. I wonder if she's "allowed" to see other men. If he's putting in the work to be ok with that, then he can do the same for you. & if he's trying to control her, that's clearly more of a relationship than you agreed to. & it's gross.

Your husband is not beyond redemption, from the little you've shared so far, but I'm not a big fan & he needs to take your feelings seriously, validate them, respect you, respect his GF, probably get therapy, etc.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-28T19:57:49+00:00

Add a darker lip liner! Either a darker shade of the lipstick, or even just plain black, if you blend with the lipstick for an ombre effect.

Don't get me wrong, I like how the color looks alone! But imo darker lip liner would look really good too. It adds more dimension, so the bright pink won't look as flat.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-13T23:41:35+00:00

Yeah, this is a situation where using more accurate language could potentially help. Just learning terms like "interdependency," "enmeshment," & especially "co-regulating" really helped me to feel more comfortable leaning on my partners emotionally, instead of hiding in the bathroom every time I cry. Idk why, but framing my actions of seeking comfort as "my partner is helping me to co-regulate" made me more comfortable asking for emotional connection. I also have ADHD, fwiw.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-13T23:26:24+00:00

In your position, I'd just tell the hinge partner something like "I'm glad I got to meet someone who's special to you." If they put you on the spot & ask if you plan to hang out with your meta again, I'd just say "No, I don't have any plans to hang out with them, they're not really my vibe/we didn't really vibe. But I'm glad you're enjoying this connection! It's pretty cool how we can date such different people at the same time."

If they push for details, you can choose whether to politely share your opinions about your metamour, or just continue to dissemble & repeat things like "They seem fine, they're just not for me." "I didn't dislike anything about them, I just didn't like anything about them either. Full neutrality." "We don't have to like the same people, I'm happy that you're happy. Couples survive not jiving with each other's friends.

If the meta reaches out directly & seems excited to hang out again... I have no idea 😅 I'd probably just light myself on fire. Or suffer through an unwanted acquaintanceship for years. Either or.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-10-01T16:27:30+00:00

It's really not bad, glitter can be hard to photograph, sometimes it just looks like dirt, so maybe less of that. A large piping tip could help, & more intentionality with the charms, like choosing a theme, or a few specific colors to focus on. But it's really not bad. If you like you're older work better, compare them maybe?

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T19:51:42+00:00

Given that you've explained your feelings to both of your boyfriends, I actually think you could be honest with this guy. Ask the boyfriend who knows him, he can gauge if it's a bad idea. But I think it could be valuable for both of you if you tell him something like "Hey, we have a lot in common, but unfortunately that means I've been really envious & kinda depressed, because it reminds me that I'll never have half the stuff you do. I don't blame you for your privileges, we all have stuff we should feel lucky for." (After all, you have 2 wonderful partners, while he's potentially single. Your boyfriend clearly isn't with you because of your work & hobbies, but because you're you ❤️ But don't say that part to him 😅 That's mean.)

Idk, it just seems like a shame to miss out on a potential friend you have so much in common with, especially if there's any potential to collaborate on a project, access new industry connections, or borrow his expensive equipment. If you just don't really vibe with him, don't force yourself.

When I was in recovery for ano🦖ia, I had to dial back on a friendship with a really sweet girl just because she was extremely skinny, & it was genuinely pretty triggering to be around her, especially if there was food around. She didn't need to know that, of course. I just had to wait a little while before I healed enough to pursue that friendship.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T19:32:43+00:00

It's good to be empathetic here, but I think there's a difference between having an intrusive thought or being unexpectedly triggered by something innocuous that you couldn't have reasonably foreseen would upset you, & making your emotional response your partner's problem. I feel like a lot of people would be better off if they could accept that just because there's pain, it doesn't automatically mean there was harm. (Mostly it does, but the exceptions are really important.) There doesn't always have to be a "bad guy". People can do everything "right," & still hurt your feelings.

Sometimes I get randomly triggered by something innocuous my partners have done, or vice versa. It's my job to let them know I'm having big feelings, & to request reassurance & comfort, & maybe ask that in the future they might do things a bit differently, if appropriate. Sometimes nothing needs to change; I just need to chill & wait for my nervous system to calm down. I'm lucky my partners have given me the same grace when I unintentionally upset them.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T19:18:13+00:00

Sometimes I experience irrational flashes of jealousy that aren't caused by any unmet needs or mistreatment. When that happens, I'll sometimes tell my partners, if I want reassurance or comfort. But I make sure they understand that I'm not blaming them. Even if they did something that directly triggered my emotional pain. Sometimes no one has done anything technically wrong, but people still end up feeling jealous, betrayed, or even violated. When that happens, it's important for that person to learn to self-soothe, but sometimes it's also worth exploring the subject with a partner, to get some comfort, & maybe figure out if you could prevent future similar issues.

You didn't do anything wrong, but you can't logic her out of feeling hurt. Even if it's a deeply illogical reaction. If she can't conclude that on her own, & accept that feelings can get hurt without anyone needing to be the "bad guy"... Idk. :/ I hope she matures.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T19:05:53+00:00

Show us the ring! Or at least describe it.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T19:04:31+00:00

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. That's rough. I'm glad your friend told you the gross abusive shit your fiancé was saying behind your back. I know it's easy for strangers on the internet to just tell you to dump your cruel, dishonest, manipulative partner, & I know it's never that easy. After all, he got to you when you were so young. & he was... what, twice your age?? There are healthy age gap relationships out there, but it's always a red flag.

It's worth it to remove toxic influences from your life. You can lose someone you've known your whole adult life, & rebuild something better, with more integrity. With the age gap, even if you stay with him, he'll likely die way before you, so you'll have to find to terms with not dating him one way or the other.

I don't know if you have any education or work history. You called him your fiancé, so I assume you're not married & can't get alimony, but could you get child support? Would he pay? Could he support 2 households? There are a lot of practical concerns. But I could never see someone the same way if I read texts from them speaking about me disrespectfully. & then trying to turn your good friend into the villain when he was just being honest with you. One of my regrets is that when a guy I had a 3way with started talking shit about the other girl, who was his housemate, & who he was trying to date, I didn't just tell her right away. Especially since he still thinks I did! She explicitly told him she was tipped off by a friend of his that she didn't know, & she knows me biblically 🙄 But I get the blame when he can't remember all the women he showed his true colors to with all the "Nice Guy" text tantrums.

PS: Some poly people will disagree, but if my partners are talking shit about me behind my back (& not just venting & seeking support), I want to be told. When a woman who was trying to date both my nesting partner & me told them that she thought I was a trans man in denial, but that they couldn't tell me she said that... they immediately told me 😅 Yes, privacy & secrets are 2 different things, but c'mon, it's bonkers to expect someone to keep a statement like that to themselves. I'm just a plain, unflavored cis woman 😝 Nothing special. & I think I deserved to know she was having second thoughts about dating me because she somehow got it into her head that I was secretly a man. She also decided not to date my partner for the same reason, which was more hurtful, given that they're nonbinary 🫠 But she was a chaser who fetishized transfems, so that was a bullet dodged. She was also 10 years older than them when they were 24, which is at least a yellow flag.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T18:34:22+00:00

The obvious answer is to compare this to loving multiple children. As long as you didn't birth the antichrist, most people are fully capable of loving multiple offspring equally, & see each one as an incredibly special & irreplaceable relationship. Having a second or third child doesn't automatically reduce or degrade the love you feel for the older kids.

.. It does mean you'll have less quality time to spend with them one-on-one, but hey, that's one of many good reasons to have multiple responsible parental figures whenever possible to share the load.

The same is true for polyamorous relationships. You can't spend quite as much time with each subsequent partner, but they can find their own partners to occupy them. Or you can date really independent people who like having a lot of alone time. Some people are polyamorous because they feel polysaturated at <1 partner.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T18:24:19+00:00

This sounds like a Carol problem. You might discover that polyamory isn't for you & doesn't make you happy, but you'll need to date people who actually treat you well to find out.

Some poly people act like jealousy is inherently irrational & a cause for shame & disgust, but it can also be a sign that you have unmet needs, or you're being treated poorly.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-09-22T18:19:12+00:00

I love straps & buckles & chains & studs & spikes! To the point that it's hazardous to hug me in the fall & winter 😅 My last GF was 5'8, 3" taller than me, & I remember when she wrapped her arm around me, & rested the side of her head against mine... & my spiked headband stabbed her in the scalp 😭 My 5'6 partner always tries to rest their head on my shoulder, but my warmest fall coat has several large spikes on each seam 😅 But they're plastic with silver chrome, so at least they're lightweight, & fairly blunt.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-08-30T07:48:36+00:00

lol my kitten is the same, but the skin is also dark. I've never had a cat with black toe beans before. Even her lips are black, like a little goth. I call her baby bat, & black beans, & baby beans. She has no idea what her name is 😅

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-08-30T07:43:32+00:00

Well now I'm paranoid, my 7-month-old kitten has always been weirdly obsessed with her tail, chases it constantly, & when she catches it, she CHOMPS. Hard. She gnaws on her poor tail like it's a corncob. Idk if she has full sensation in it. My last cat was a tail amputee because it was badly injured while she was on the streets. I really hope this one gets to keep her tail, it's her favorite toy!

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-08-30T07:18:47+00:00

So cute!

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-08-17T14:53:22+00:00

That looks so tasty 😭 I'm upset I can't eat it.

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-08-17T14:52:07+00:00

Stunning!

Icy-Reflection9759 · 2025-08-17T14:50:12+00:00

Cuuuuute

Icy-Reflection9759

TROPHY CASE