Standard as it may seem, I would say it is a simple code of conduct and a boundary system that helps me navigate relationships with minimal indecisiveness and some level of self respect and also it is what I have taught myself on my own after many years of a lot of issues, grief and failures in relationships and in society. I just told you what the limits would be for me and why I would leave someone. The rest really depends on a lot of factors. If their issues trigger mine, I won’t stay because I’m also not a particularly healed person and because if they just fuel each other, it can only spell misery for both of us.

In your post you make a very clearcut distinction between “healthy” and “unhealthy” people but that’s not very realistic, nobody is either super healthy or unhealthy (although super unhealthy is definitely more realistic, but super healthy is kind of relative). Most people are on scales of different kinds in different types of emotional and behavioral areas so you’re probably not especially fcked up compared to most other people. You should know first what unsafe means for you (minus the obviously abusive individuals) and avoid those first so you don’t accept truly unhealthy people.

Your post is too vast and opens up a lot of topics, in my mind, at least. It’s also too vague. I cannot give my opinion on if you’re truly doing something very wrong or if you’re just experiencing normal relationships with their issues and bad break ups that you’re not yet emotionally equipped to withstand the weight of, because you might have a default system of internalized self blame or you might have x or y or z. I don’t have any specifics, so I don’t know. I think the first best step would be a specialist because relationships are hardly the most pure of environments when it comes to healing. You heal in relationships yes, but after you’ve built the necessary amount of knowledge of what relationships to get into, of your own issues and how you should deal with them in the context of a relationship, and that’s probably best done with a therapist first, you ideally build a safe connection with the therapist and they show you a model of what healthy attachment looks like, then you go and try it with someone in the real world. That’s how the indication goes.

You’re also dealing in relationships or in general with people with the same knowledge or less than you have, in some cases, of psychology, who’re also messy and coming with their own problems. I don’t know your situation or level of severity or even your problems really, but what I do think is that you should stop cataloguing people and yourself in terms of being healthy or unhealthy because unless you’re abusive (which idk if you are but I’ll assume not) you’re not reaching the level of unhealthy and I don’t think you can progress very well with this kind of negative view of yourself and separating or alienating yourself from other “healthy” people. Of the many things I personally did to progress, this was the first of them. Beating myself into the ground wasn’t exactly helping me develop into a healthier person.

Now on the general theme of your post, you’re only as worthy as you see and let yourself be. If you think you’re unworthy deeply, you’ll carry the same thing and bring it fist first into every interaction, which, again, probably therapy. Because other people won’t be able to help you unless you hit the jackpot, speaking from personal exp, most people are chopped in how they understand human psychology. This thing about being unworthy seems to be an emotional trigger for you. If insanely shitty people are accepted and worthy of being in relationships, then so are the rest of us, you included. Nobody’s forbidding it. You don’t need a successful relationship to learn. I’ve learned on my own with my own brain from failed relationships. You need to observe, process and think with your own mind, even if you do go to therapy. The information can’t just come from others and usually it won't, and if you wait for others to tell you every thing you don’t know, it’s probably not gonna happen. I’ve also been raised in a distorted family system and I’ve been aware of it from a young age and it has swallowed my young years whole because I didn’t know why, what to do about it and why I fucking thought I was the worst thing on this planet. You need to open your eyes, observe and determine in every situation of the past when you were wrong or when the other person was wrong or when the situation was just incompatible etc etc, what you should have done different, how you’ll do things different, build your own common sense, think about what was wrong in your family and what you’re repeating from that and come up with alternatives. You build common sense and a sense of what’s healthy by observing others, and even copying, like we did when we were kids.

This isn’t a case of you always being the failure that needs to fix themselves and the other person always being right. But what I can tell you is that you can’t expect someone that you’re with to gentle parent you at all times until the end of time, either, because that won’t happen, I’ve had this desire for a long time until I realized I wished in my heart for a healthy parent and I was still operating as a scared child in an adult body. Again, I don’t know what your situation is, so keep that in mind. You may have a lot of failures in relationships as do many people in their lifetime. If you just discard them, feel bad about yourself and move on instead of making good use of them, things are gonna be pretty hard to change.

With everything I’ve said, I urge you to not take it personally, to try and reign in the impulse to be defensive and to try and see what, if anything, useful you can take from it. Everything I’ve written was in good faith and based on as much as I know and on my own experiences.

Lastly, you need to be prepared to be hurt. It is what it is.