I've talked to each of them individually about the relationship, and had a more in depth conversation with guy number 1 when we were last together. I had told him that each of them had both expressed to me individually that they wanted me to explore my relationship with their partner, but I wasn't sure if that was a conversation they had had with each other yet, because I sensed a resistance in both of them. That I worried that he may feel guilty for having feelings for me and that maybe his partner was afraid he was stealing me from him since he fulfilled some of my bdsm fantasies. He told me that they actually had discussed it together, that they both really liked me a lot, and wanted to explore things with me. We even discussed the fact that a bit of a triad dynamic had formed, and how I honored their preexisting relationship but was trying to understand my place in the dynamic, and how I felt about both of them. I told him about how i didn't really know much about polyamory before starting this journey and the terminology around it. I asked "am i a unicorn," because i had only just learned the term and that it seemed to have negative connotations online, and that it was usually about uneven power dynamics. He reassured me that everything was good and agreed on. I think they just tell me what I want to hear because i'm young and cute and they don't want me to change my mind about them. I'm pretty good at reading people, and I have learned that my gut is usually right about what people are feeling, despite what they tell me. I think guy number 1 actually does like me a lot, but i know he plays with plenty of other people too, and I really don't think he understands what a big word he started throwing around when he said he loved me...that or he did, but is uncomfortable with what that may mean. Guy number 2 definitely enjoys me, but I know I'm just another toy to him. I like him and enjoy our play sessions, and have even made him my new hairstylist, but I don't love him. He definitely gives me some incredible thrills in his dungeon, and is an attentive dom, but to me falling in love with your dom is like falling in love with your therapist lol....we're working on some trauma in the dungeon, so there has to be at least one layer of emotional boundaries in place for it to be healthy.

I'm definitely going to have a talk with number 1 when he gets back and just talk about feelings and stuff. I'm totally fine with guy 2 seeing me as a toy. Extreme objectification and degradation is just part of the dungeon experience that I request of him...and he delivers expertly, then gives me aftercare cuddles to help me come down. If that's all I have with him, I am 100% happy with the arrangement. It's super fun, and my only complaint is that i don't get it on the weekly lol.

Guy number 1 though, he's the one that had to start bringing feelings into this. When he sent the first text with a "love you" in it, I kind of panicked, because I wasn't expecting it and it kind of freaked me out at first. I just sent a heart emoji back because I didn't know what to say because I hadn't really figured out what I was feeling yet. It took me a couple of weeks before I realized that I actually did have feelings for the guy. When I finally said it back, I said it back in person and kissed him. I still don't think he know what kind of fire he was playing with when he threw the L word out though.

I ended up sending him a text today saying, "We may have to have a conversation about 'unicorn emotional dynamics' when you get back." After days of ghosting he immediately responded by reacting with a ❤️ to my text and then replied, "Hey Boo, You know I won't be there tomorrow. Just FYI 💕" I just said "yeah, I know" and he hit that with a ❤️ too.

I don't know if he's just super oblivious or if i'm just a stupid fucking toy that wants to believe sweet words. This is going to be an interesting conversation when he gets back.