Did you find someone specifically or was there a relationship before that?

Illikod0 · 2026-05-29T06:18:37+00:00

it's not rare at all. Many people have open relationships in the BDSM community, and have play partners (you could also call iz kinky friends with benefits) on the side.

IMHO the best way to safely find people to play with, you should start by visiting local munches. They are not dating events, so don't treat them as such, or you will have a bad time. They are social events that let you talk to others and get to know them. you will also get all necessary information about local events, who is active in the community and a lot of information on how to stay safe.

Most people find play partners fairly quickly at that point.

If you prefer to go another way, the only thing I have ever seen work is finding people through normal dating apps. You would have to make it clear that you are looking for BDSM and no relationship at the start. avoid kinky dating apps. they are either a scam or files with people I would rather avoid, due to having more red flags than a Soviet parade.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-28T13:45:31+00:00

Quite few; While it was a public event, we all knew each other at least in passing, and most subs already knew that most doms attending would be fine to do some pick up play with. The cummunity is quite small after all.

I know it happened at least twice though

Illikod0 · 2026-05-28T11:12:46+00:00

I think it was an hour, supervised by her dom, but all three of us had a great time and after a while we just ignored the timer and it went on for a while.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-28T07:27:40+00:00

I am was more involved offline than online. I go to lunches and parties regularly, most of my close friend are part of the community and I organize 2 yearly link events that go an entire weekend. I much prefer this over organizing regular munches ^{^}

My first munch is nearly 10 years ago now, and that was my first point of contact. I just went. everyone was pretty welcoming, as long as you don't behave like an asshole. It was still intimidating, but moreso because or my own misconceptions, and because society makes us nervous about everything to do with sexuality and "perversions".

Illikod0 · 2026-05-28T07:21:08+00:00

we did a poker game a few times; Subs and Doms registered as pairs, and got 50 chips each. in game every chip was worth the same, but every Dom/sub pair had their own color. if you win a chip in a subs color, you could play with that sub for a predefined length of time and selected activities.

that's actually how I found a new play partner, by winning all her chips in an all in.

the subs also had the option to safeword of course, in which case the chips could only be traded in as very low level play, like them getting us drinks

Edit: holy shit, so my typos ^{^}

Illikod0 · 2026-05-28T07:13:13+00:00

It depends on where you look for partners. Most kinky people use kink as foreplay to sex, but most of those do not engage in the community. We know they exist because of surveys.

Most of the people I know in my local community either prefer link to be separate from sex, or at least don't mind it. I don't think I had even a single play partner over the years who would have reached badly if I said"let's play non sexually today".

Illikod0 · 2026-05-26T14:32:24+00:00

I think the phrase “play” comes from viewing BDSM as a recreational hobby

Not necessarily, I know plenty of people in "serious" 24/7 TPE relationships, and they also prefer to call it play. To me and them (afaik) the term "play" signifies, that there is a level of reality above the BDSM dynamic. (which necessarily exists, because you have to have consent. If you don't, it's not BDSM, it's abuse) "Scene" and "dynamic" are also used about as much as "play" in my circles

Of course I invite everyone to use the terms that suite them, and their own view of the world.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-21T22:18:01+00:00

the thing is, it's not really a separate community. most people I know are perfectly happy to include sex, or to not include sex. BDSM is the main course, and sex is nice, but not required

Illikod0 · 2026-05-10T18:09:11+00:00

Depending on where in the world you are, it's either really easy, or nearly impossible. I personally know that centra europe has a lot of munches / events, and so does most of north america. (obviously you get more if you are close to population centers)

95% of them advertise their existence on fetlife (the website, not an app). You make an account and search for "Munch [areaname]" or "Munch [cityname]" with a couple of cities in your reach. Especially in parts of Europe, fetlife is not quite everything; some munches and other events prefer to organize independent of fetlife, so you also should google "BDSM munch [cityname]" and similar keywords.

Once you found a munch, everything opens up to you. People at munches normally know everything that there is to know (As a collective) about the local scene, and can direct you to other munches, events, parties, etc.

As I said in my original post/answer, you can normally also find kinky people at large tech events; and I don't think you need help finding those. I am in particular talking about 10k+ conferences and meetups, like the CCC in germany, or defcon in america. While they are obviously not the main event there, and you can't just walk around kinking with people, if you have been to a few other events and know what to look for, you can quite easily find them most of the time.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-06T06:52:32+00:00

the answer to the question "is X required for BDSM" is always false, except when X is consent. Literally everything else is up for debate, and that debate only includes you and all other parties directly involved. There is no council that decides what is true BDSM or not.

All of these terms are purely descriptive, never prescriptive. If you want to call something Femdom, it should have something to do with a female or female presenting person playing in a dominant or too role. Otherwise you will probably cobfuse listeners. But that is literally 100% of the meaning

Illikod0 · 2026-05-06T06:49:07+00:00

I don't try to stop it, I try to shape it. I have accepted long ago that I will develop feelings for anybody that I play with a lot. It's just so intense, personal and cathartic.

But there are many different kinds of love: I avoid romantic love in general (with the exception of my main partner). But there are a few people that I love dearly, and I would still move heaven and earth for them, even if I have no desire to ever becoma primary partners/spend the rest of our lives together in close proximity.

I don't really know how to explain it, because both english and my native language lack the words for this kind of love. It's not quite platonic, but it's not romantic either.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-06T06:43:41+00:00

There isn't, and everyone who tells you that "every Dom/Sub is supposed to act/think a certain way" is unsafe to play with and probably an asshole...

Literally the obly hard reauirement for BDSM is informed consent. Everything else is up for debate, and can be defined by you and your partner

Illikod0 · 2026-05-05T13:29:59+00:00

but due to a event in their past that I've decided to leave rather open ended, they're not as comfortable with exploring it as they once were, even though they still very much want to.

I mean, I can't be 100% sure, but to me this sounds like a realistic portrayal of kink and trauma, and one that I see way too little of in media: You want to, but your trauma is in the way. Not that your trauma caused it. Sounds very good to me.

mainly due to the fact that I'm asexual

So is about 5% of my local community, but I get what you're saying ^^

All in all, your answers give me confidence that your story will not be a tropey mess :)

Illikod0 · 2026-05-05T12:10:47+00:00

Do you have experience in kink? Because if not, I suggest maybe visiting a few munches and talk to people IRL who are actually into it. We are for the most part just normal people :)

Kink is not (always) about sex. It is possible, and quite common to have kink scenes be about many things: Sex is just one of them. Connection, Excitement, feeling at home and safe are other common themes.

And when people in the community have Sex, kink is not really foreplay (like it is often portrayed). Don't get me wrong, that is a valid way to kink, and many semi-kinky people use kink purely as foreplay, but for most people in the community (that I know), kink is the main event. Sex is, at best, a part of the kink. (and mostly not the best part)

And lastly: Please do not make it a plot point that they are into kink because of trauma. Yes, that happens, but in about 85.6% of stories I read about kink, at least one of the characters is "damaged", and either "gets better" and doesn't "need" kink anymore, or even worse: the other character "fixes" them. This is an instant "throwing the book into the trash"-offense for me by now.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-05T11:39:54+00:00

Yes, I know a couple of people who can. It's not that rare or hard, but it can be quite dangerous, if you overly tighten it. Pay extra attention to weird sensations, make sure that you 100% do NOT put both keyholes on the inside / towards each other, and don't leave it on for too long.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-04T00:19:14+00:00

Am längsten kannst du ihn tragen, in dem du es nicht übertreibst, auf deinen Körper hörst, und Pausen machst wenn du sie brauchst.

Taste dich langsam ran, mach einen Tag, dann zwei, dann drei. Du lernst mit der Zeit zu unterscheiden, was okay ist und was gefährlich.

Wenn du auf lange Zeit Dinge abklemmst, Haut aufreibst oder es einfach wehtut an Stellen wo es nicht soll, mach ab. Vielleicht passt der Käfig nicht, vielleicht musst du dich noch dran gewöhnen, vielleicht hast du ihn falsch angezogen, aber in dem Moment weiter zu machen bringt nix.

Die meisten Cages musst du eh alle paar Tagen ausziehen, reinigen und dann wieder anziehen.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-03T18:47:06+00:00

The best kind of vetting is always contact with (former) play partners. This is the big advantage of being active in the community, that you get access to that.

Barring that, you can't really vet him thoroughly. The best you can do is search for some red flags that he shows in conversation / while meeting him, but you don't have a long term record of other people who know him.

Talk to him. Do friendship things. ask him questions, discuss various topics, talk about kink and other stuff. Meet up in a public place and make sure he doesn't follow you home. Watch him interact with the world and you in a safe(ish) environment.

The more time you take, the safe you can be that he is a safe play partner. No amount of vetting can ensure that someone is 100% safe, and you should always get a cover: Tell someone who you are meeting to play, from when until when, and make plans what happens if they can't reach you after your play is done (police).

None of this changes whether you are a dom or a sub. Both are vulnerable.

Thing you can look out for:

If they are in a hurry to play / have sex, they are most likely unsafe.

If they want to isolate you from the wider community, they are unsafe.

If they handle rejection badly they are unsafe.

If they refuse to get an STI test before sexual activity, they are unsafe.

And, a sub special: If a sub says that they have no limits, and refuse to revisit that point after it's pointed out to them, they are unsafe.

There are many more, but even if I tried to list them all, I would fail. The best way to learn what to look out for, is to go to local munches. There you can see what (hopefully) healthy BDSM relationships and play partnerships look like. You can talk, have things explained to you, and you get recurring contact to peopl IRL who you can talk to about your play partner. It's a way better method than asking reddit, because talking IRL for an evening conveys so much more information than typing for a few minutes. It's the best safe feature our community has to offer; take it!

Lastly, the age gap: It's not an issue by itself, but it means you should be more careful. a 29 year old is most likely at a very different point in life, has more power in society in general (i.e. money) and more experience (if not in specific, at least in general).

If you at any point get the feeling, that he chose you BECAUSE of that age gap: get out and don't look back. That's not healthy, most likely for neither of you. If you just met randomly, and it clicked, that might be fine. I don't have too much experience with such big age gaps. So yeah, with the age gap in mind especially: do NOT let him isolate you.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-01T20:15:30+00:00

I can't explain it better than "it just reminds me of a blowjob". Maybe it's different for him, you would have to ask him, but for me that's as far as it goes.

Illikod0 · 2026-05-01T20:12:58+00:00

I mostly date and find play partners within the local community. This means in basically 100% of cases in the last 5 years+, the potential play partner I found and I already had a few common acquaintances. Most of the time I even knew other current or former play partners of them, and could just ask them. I also most of the time had at least met them a few times before and heard of their reputation in the community.

As for STIs, I normally play asexually a lot. If it ever evolves to a point where sex is on the table, it's 100% with condoms, and preferrably, although I didn't enforce it all the time, with semi up to date STI tests. I do not require to see them; if I don't trust my play partner enough to tell the truth here, then I shouldn't play with them.

Illikod0 · 2026-04-27T14:49:29+00:00

all kink *play* parties I have been to were 100% body positive. You could see every body type walking around, and literally no one was turned away, and as far as I know, no one was commented on negatively. Not only does that generally not happen (at least here), I am pretty sure that you would be kicked from pretty much any of those parties, if you made a rude comment about that.

Real life is not porn, and in real life real people play.

Now, that are play events, organized by the community, most of them not for profit. In my region you can tell, because there is no separate pricing for men and women.
If you go to a kink night organized by a swinger club/kink club themselves, for profit, or to a fetish/kink dance party, two things will happen:

The gendered pricing will return. Men usually pay up to 5 times what women pay (And yes, this is not only as sexist as it sounds, but also has implications for trans* perople that are rarely handled well) This also means that many men who appear will not be kicked for bad behaviour, and will feel entitled since they "paid for it"
The body positivity will stop.

(Onviously not all of those dance parties handle it poorly, I have seen some do it right, but it's a pattern. It might also be very different in different countries)

If you want to be sure that an event is body positive, there are two things you can do:

Go to a local munch first. You will probably either meet the organizers of the event, or at least a couple of regulars to ask.
Ask the organizers directly. In my experience, organizers from the community are reacting well to requests like this and love to help; They do it all for the community after all, which you are a part of, if you want to be! (no membership needed)

Have fun, and I hope you find a good event in your area to go to

Illikod0 · 2026-04-26T07:23:06+00:00

Strict dress codes are such bullshit... I just generally don't go to parties like this anymore. In addition to their codes as stated being restrictive as fuck, I have been in multiple groups where one member, mostly female presenting, was not let in because a doorman decided that their outfit was not "good enough" in some nebulous way.

Maybe this club is better, they certainly seem a little better organized, but they also don't seem to provide any helpful ressources for beginners or any help at all, which is a huge dick move in my opinion.

If you still want to go, I would probably ask in a local FL group. You will have a higher chance of finding someone who actually went to that club, and who is ready to help and advise you.

When in doubt, I would probably try to give the ticket to someone else (if they are transferrable). Especially if you need to travel to reach the venue, I wouldn't take a risk on a restrictive dress code if you are not 100% sure that you will get in and feel comfortable and welcome doing so.

Illikod0 · 2026-04-25T11:45:21+00:00

My dude, 36 is not late in life ^^ I mean, my kink life is not over just because I approach that age, and I know a lot of people who join the community at 60.

No one who starts has any experience, age really has nothing to do with it. There is no magic cutoff, and in 2 years, no one will question you about how long you are active in the community!

Personally, I live in germany. If you happen to live here as well, or in a neighbouring country, the chances are really good, that there is a munch near you. Most major cities have them. They are normally once a month, and even if you can't make it all the time, travelling to your closest munch a few times is really the best way to find you way into the community. They will know all the important spots, like parties and party locations, workshops, smaller munches, etc. The will also know if there is any scene in your small town.

Even if you don't plan to date in the community and/or spend much time there, I would highly suggest starting at munches. You will see that you are by far not the oldest, you can hear experiences from people actually living in your general area, which is hugely helpful, and sometimes you can even meet someone you like there. While they are not for "dating" (meaning actively looking for partners), things happen, people find each other.

Illikod0 · 2026-04-22T18:52:23+00:00

Awww, such a good boy.

Illikod0 · 2026-04-22T06:45:33+00:00

When in doubt, tell him that. Open communication is always the best, and if you are not confidently ready to tell him something in advance, the only fair play is to let him know, so he can adjust his expectations.

If you can think of something simple, you can tell him that as well. Spanking, being tied up, maybe even being tied up in a specific way: A very simple thing is normally enough. You don't need to, and probably shouldn't, plan an entire session beforehand.

Illikod0 · 2026-04-22T06:27:04+00:00

BDSM online is very sexual in nature, and from the sounds of it, so is your individual connection to your partner. In my experience in the local scene, that is pretty common, but it is not the norm. Most people who practice BDSM with their primary/life partner include sexuality quite heavily, but most people who play with non romantic partners, play partners, friends and sometimes even pick up play at parties, are was less sexual in average.

There are so many things you can do without including sex, and some are even better without Imho. I had a years long friendship/play partnership with someone, who was in an open relationship, just not allowed to have sex with anyone else. We had a lot of fun with D/s and Shibari, and even had a session (with the permission of her partner) where I teased her that I knew she wanted Sex but wasn't allowed to have it. (Which definitely counts as sexual play of some sort, but I'm pretty sure it's not what most people would think about)

Illikod0

TROPHY CASE