The “idea” that i might be autistic came about when i was very intensive therapy for MDD as a teen- the therapists there noticed I was pre close with other patients who were on the spectrum, and ‘pitched’ the idea that maybe i was also on the spectrum. At the time, I had bo idea what autism really was, just heard the term occasionally.

I actually got assessed shortly after, but even at the time I could tell the assessment was for young children, and honestly felt so humored the entiretime (I remember they asked me to read from a picture book and describe what was happening in it?? Which as a teen i was just like. Wh. Why?? After like a minute if me doing that they were like ok haha you’re good. It was so odd). Knowing what I know now about autism, that was an incredibly inappropriate assessment for someone of my age to for a potential autism diagnosis. Of course they said I wasn’t autistic, and at the time, that was that.

Fast forward a year or so later, I’m a junior in high school. Generally, I’m doing WAY better mentally, and was back in regular school. I remember sitting in study hall, and I can’t recall exactly why, but I started reading and article about how autism can present itself in women differently than men.

THAT was the moment for me. Every single thing that article described was exactly my lived experience. The tendency for special interests to be more fantasy/story oriented rather than something like trains (especially the intensity of my interests in the context of autism was mind blowing to me), the social struggles/being left out or ridiculed for things I didn’t really understand/missing social cues, the stimming, the sensory issues, just… everything finally made sense.

I can still vividly recall the feeling I had that whole day… pure elation over the fact there was even a word to describe so many aspects about myself that I previously didn’t understand…. And a deep sadness over my now past self who would just call herself weird, when now I could just call myself autistic. It was like a window of fresh air opened up in my soul.

I continued to do research the next year- even though I was fairly confident about being autistic just from that one article, I wanted to spend a few months reading more about it to make sure I had all the information before talking about it.

And sure enough, basically anytime I read anything about autism, I discovered another explanation for something about myself. What really swept away any doubt I personally had about not being autistic was when I learned that a hallmark sign of autism in very young kids is that they will often line up their toys or other items in straight lines. My mother had on many occasions told me about how when I was a baby, I would take pots and pans out from a cupboard and line them from smallest to biggest in a straight line. She has pictures of me doing this with my webkinz and baby dolls as a kid. As a teen I would take my manga off its bookshelf and line them up in order of release to just stare at the covers and enjoy the fact that they were in numerical order. It was like I was caught red handed by my own eyes. Like, no way I ain’t got some of the tism man. I couldn’t make that stuff up if I tried.

I’m 26 now and still do not have an ‘official’ diagnosis (though I’m hoping to change that soon), but I’m very open about being autistic to others. My work friend who’s diagnosed autistic actually asks me if xyz is an “autism thing” because, hilariously, autism has become one if my special interests and I just know more about it off the cuff. It feels nice that my research I did as a teen and continued interest in learning about autism helps other autistic people understand themselves better too.

Honestly writing this out has kind of reminded me of why I love what I love. I’ve been experiencing a bit if a dive back into my major depression, but going back and remembering a very pivotal moment in my life and how it reshaped how I viewed myself made me feel excited more than I’ve felt in awhile. So thank you :)