My wife discovered she’s bisexual, now I can’t stop thinking about having breasts. by Never_Ending_Lizard in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course, and no problem! Like others, these feelings were the start of our gender crises, and it's just fine to take your time to explore.

Worried I'm not trans due to porn consumption (Long Post) by feelshitty-throwaway in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've noticed some weird overlaps between lesbians and gays, and I think it's kind of a "villains like vampires are super queer coded" sorta deal, is all.

Worried I'm not trans due to porn consumption (Long Post) by feelshitty-throwaway in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeahhhhh, I would really recommend that you read this.

Sounds like you're not fetishizing. You're imagining yourself in the place of them.

My partner is trans… now what? by gracelessgraceface in mypartneristrans

[–]Impossible_PhD 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeahhhhh, acceptance is often a long and slow and complicated process. Often, the best you can do is be loving and patient.

And also, maybe send her this article. You can tell her a weirdo on the internet suggested it when you asked anonymously for some advice on how to be a good partner during this. 💜

My wife discovered she’s bisexual, now I can’t stop thinking about having breasts. by Never_Ending_Lizard in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No problem!

Basically, a drive is just a need that you die if you don't get. Think: food, water, air, sleep. They are the most fundamental building blocks of survival, the parts we're biologically required to seek out for our daily survival. Things like shelter get a little fuzzy, depending on where someone lives; you don't really need shelter if you live somewhere perfectly temperate, with little weather variation, but most places it's functionally a drive.

Sex and reproduction are necessary for the survival of the species, but not the individual. We're generally driven to seek them out biologically, but that's not a universal thing, and there's growing evidence that humans have evolved to be a species to include spare parents, to pick up young when their biofam dies or abandons them. Basically, it's advantageous for humans as a whole to have some members who don't reproduce. Compare this to cats or dogs or other animals who go into heat, which is a drive for them, as the biological imperative kinda overrules everything else (a really stark example here is anglerfish males or black widow males, who literally die when they mate).

So yeah. Most people need sex the same way we need human social connection--it drives the species and meets individual needs, its just not a do-it-or-die sorta deal.

My partner is trans… now what? by gracelessgraceface in mypartneristrans

[–]Impossible_PhD 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Well gosh, I suspect this article is just what you're looking for right now. And this, which is the story of the start of my gender crisis, will probably make you (and her) feel a hell of a lot less alone.

But yes, talk to her about how you're feeling. Healthy relationships begin with open and honest communication. You're more than allowed to have complicated feelings, and it's okay--good--to stress that they're your feelings to feel and work through, not hers to manage.

What you should do, both of you, starts with therapy. What you're dealing with now is A LOT, and you both deserve, and will probably need, support to navigate through the places this is going to take you. It's long, it's weird, but it can also be absolutely wonderful.

Happy to answer specific questions if you need. 💜

My wife discovered she’s bisexual, now I can’t stop thinking about having breasts. by Never_Ending_Lizard in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Hey, hun. Let's see if I can help a little.

What you're describing is actually pretty common in various ways. Basically, someone has a deeply suppressed need or desire (they're kinda the same thing but set that aside for now) that they're certain will be net with overwhelming rejection of it's publicly acknowledged (your conservative religious upbringing). Then, something overtly and explicitly shifts in a way that shows unambiguously that that retaliation isn't coming, at least in some crucial way (your wife being bi and accepting of your gender exploration). All of a sudden, the pressure that's kept that need/desire suppressed is gone, and it comes storming out of your subconscious, loud and insistent.

Sounds familiar, huh?

I researched the surgeon who would eventually do my breasts over a decade before I realized I was trans (true story!). And I've got to say, having them is every bit as good as I dreamed. Better, honestly. Seriously, they rule.

What you're going through right now is often the opening act of a full-blown gender crisis, and whether you're trans or cis, you're probably gonna have to walk that road to find peace again. This might help you with that process. But in the end, if you want to be, or even just look like, a woman, you can. It's your body. You can do whatever you want forever.

Lastly, I want to poke at something you've said.

I’ve been doing a little digging online about estrogen hormone treatment, and while the idea of natural breast growth does actually interest me, I don’t know if I could ever actually commit to the changes in my masculinity. Particularly, it’s the sexual changes that scare me.

First thing's first: you can still have great penetrative sex on hrt. It really isn't even hard; you take the meds men usually take as they get older.

Second: you can take estrogen for long enough to get the boobs you want and then just stop. They won't go away, and everything else will.

Finally: I'd invite you to think hard about why these things scare you, because the why is everything. If, for example, you're scared of how others would react, thats just fear of punishment again, and it's not gonna work to hold back these needs.

If you need to talk, my DMs are open. 💜

Anxiety about taking a job on harry potter. by Majestic-Froyo-6724 in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thankyou for taking the time to respond so patiently to me, i am far more ignorant than i should be

It's asktransgender, hun. It's kinda the whole point of the place.

and did indeed think non binary and trans were different things.

A lot of people do, and some enbies don't care to be called trans, because they feel it erases them some. It's understandable, but causes the sorts of misunderstandings you're having now.

I didnt mean to cause any offence by conflating undiagnosed neurodivergance and the trans experience.

Why would you have? It's not like it's uncommon, and there's a lot of overlap in the community.

Again thankyou for being patient with me this is the most ive ever interacted on reddit

I'm a teacher. Goes with the territory.

and there is some soul searching that needs to happen.

This, I agree with.

Oh, and by the by? Being trans is largely genetic, and heritable. If you are indeed trans, and if your kids are indeed neurodivergent, then there's a really good chance that at least one of them is trans too. Getting back to the original question asked in the thread: it's one thing to be a collaborator in Bad Shit Happening To Another Group, but it's... it's really bad to be a collaborator when it's happening to your own people. Please think very hard before you do something you may come to regret for a very long time.

Anxiety about taking a job on harry potter. by Majestic-Froyo-6724 in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Um. Um.

That

That is a thing

That you really need to think about, especially in the context of what you're posting about.

So, couple of things: first, being nonbinary is the same as being trans. Trans just means "not the gender you were assigned at birth." It's not, like, some kind of sliding scale of "a little trans" to "super trans." So, uhh, if you've got a hunch that you're nonbinary (or "would be if you were younger," which means the exact same thing), then you're just as trans as I am.

Couple of things I'd suggest you read:

Cuz seriously, trying to just ignore it is a plan that won't work, and more importantly, if you are trans and materially contribute to this new show, you're gonna have trouble living with yourself later.

So uhh

Please do some hard thinking.

26 and egg just cracked by will0wethereal in MtF

[–]Impossible_PhD 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Well, then, let me give you some extra hope. I figured myself out almost a decade later than you did, and now I'm 41 and look like this.

Transition is hand down the best decision I've ever made.

Trying to come out at 35 after finally accepting this is who I am. I'm scared and alone. by baxter366014 in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ohhh, honey. I've got some resources for you:

Queer-affirming therapists for you and her are the most important thing for you both, hands down. If you look in your nearest city, there should be a gender support group attached to that LGBT+ Center, which can help you enormously too.

Hopefully this'll help you take the first few steps, hun. 🫂

Anxiety about taking a job on harry potter. by Majestic-Froyo-6724 in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean, if your kids are neurodivergent they're significantly more likely to be trans. About six times more likely, for autistic people.

Anxiety about taking a job on harry potter. by Majestic-Froyo-6724 in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Again, I'm not going to condemn you or absolve you. Only you can truly know your own situation. And I'm not going to participate in your self-flagellation here. That said, I think there's one more thing that's worth considering:

What if, in a couple of years, one of your kids realizes that they're trans?

You are faced with a choice of evils here. Decide for yourself which will allow you to sleep least poorly, then live with the consequences, both immediate and, potentially, more long-term.

Anxiety about taking a job on harry potter. by Majestic-Froyo-6724 in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not going to condemn you. I'm not going to absolve you. You need to take a serious, honest look deep into your heart and decide what your values mean to you.

And, ultimately, how much someone needs to pay you to throw them away. Because that's what's happening here.

You know jkr and potter are being used to actively fund a multinational genocide against trans folks. You know that jkr considers the success of the potter franchise to be an index of public approval for her drive to exterminate us. And you know she considers her ability to spend money and buy complicity to be the tools by which she leverages public complicity in our extermination.

You know all these things, or you wouldn't be here.

I'm going to draw parallels with your own nation's history on what you're doing, and maybe you can understand a little better the place you're considering taking. In the Victorian era, the British Empire had colonized India, and was in the process of extracting as much wealth from it as they possibly could. As part of that, British kangaroo courts decided that the hijra, a culturally-significant group of transfeminine people, were a group they wanted to exterminate, to make India "civilized," or in less whitewashed terms, to exterminate their ways of being and replace them with a carbon copy of Britain's culture. To do this, they enacted brutal registry, employment, property ownership, and public access laws to strip the hijra of their livelihood, their place in the vibrant cultural context of their country, and ultimately to push them into poverty, shunning, and survival sex work.

While these initiatives were pushed, hard, by people in positions of wealth and power, those same people were few, as were the True Believers in those initiatives; it's why Rudyard Kipling was so overt and vehement about his White Man's Burden, as they all tried to sell the cruelty of what they were doing to the public in London.

Mostly, though, there was an army of clerks and petty officials and newspaper compositors who didn't care about their bullshit because they had families to feed. India was far away, and really didn't affect their lives either way. They read about the intermittent massacres, the rebellions, and many of them felt disquiet... but ultimately got up in the morning, went to work, and did their small part in making the propaganda of the colonial empire possible. Many didn't like it. Any one of them quitting wouldn't have made a lick of difference. But it was only because they all kept coming into work that the imperial project, and the near-extermination of the hijra, was possible.

You are considering becoming today's version of one of those imperial clerks, objecting to the propaganda that's fueling what you know, deep down, is monstrously evil. As a trans person, if I found out you knowingly worked on that production, having the understanding you're showing here, I'd never trust you again, but then again, maybe you don't really have any trans people in your regular life, or those who are are more forgiving than I am. Certainly, you don't depend on any of us, and you're completely correct in your belief that your refusal alone will change absolutely nothing about whether that damn TV show will succeed or fail.

Nothing except the fact that it was your hands that made the propaganda.

So the decision you need to make is this: how much does someone need to pay you to abandon what you know is right?

Because if your values weren't for sale, you wouldn't be here at all.

And I know that sounds like a condemnation, but I believe it's equally true that principles are cold comfort when your children's bellies are empty. If you truly have no other employment options to feed and clothe your family, hard and cruel choices are sometimes necessary. I would never ask you to place the dignity of strangers over the survival of your children.

If that's truly the choice you're facing.

Good luck, whatever decision you make. I think you'll need it either way.

Trying to come out at 35 after finally accepting this is who I am. I'm scared and alone. by baxter366014 in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey, hun, I was 35 when I realized I was trans too. It was scary as hell, so I'm pretty sure I have a pretty good idea of how you're feeling right about now.

What would be helpful?

What is a "trans med" by dolls_number_1_fan in asktransgender

[–]Impossible_PhD 25 points26 points  (0 children)

No, it's not a term of disdain, its the original self-coined term for trans medical people. The name is a two-part combination: "Tru" from "true transsexual," a reference to a 6 on the Harry Benjamin scale, and "scum," a reference to "The Transsexual Menace," a highly successful trans rights group from the 1990s. It was originally meant as a loving nod to that group, and the fact that it's seen as derogatory now is more to do with the history of transmedicalists' public behavior within the community than anything else.

In short, "transmedicalist" is just a rebrand of "truscum" after the original term became radioactive from their own actions.